To stop seeing a friend because she has a violent preschooler?

[bt1978]

I met a friend at a baby group a few years ago when our first babies were a few months old and we've been meeting up regularly (say 2-3 times per month) ever since - her DS and my DD turned 3 this month. We both now have two DCs around 17/18mo.

Her DS hits and pushes my DD whenever we meet up, and he does it to other kids too as we sometimes have others involved in our meet ups. Sometimes not a hard push, sometimes a very hard one, sometimes shouts in our kid's faces etc. At first I just brushed it off as something toddlers/preschoolers do, thinking he'd grow out of it...she seemed to be dealing with it - naughty step/time out etc....except it has been going on for over a year now and he is getting bigger and stronger, and therefore capable of causing more hurt. For instance, this week he pushed my DS (17mo) over so hard he fell on his face and cut his lip. (It was superficial and he was fine a few minutes later)

I felt dreadful that I had not protected him and actually I am now thinking I will give her and her DS a break for a while.

What would you do? I don't want to over-react. Kids do often go through hitting/biting phases etc don't they? BUt surely not for over a year. It's no fun when my DCs get hurt.

I have a friend i really like, but her 2 year old is out of control. He hits and kicks other children, runs around other people's houses and destroys them ( open puzzles, throws them on the floor and moves on) his mom doesn't stop him.

I try to only see her outside, but often end up at other people's houses. I really like her, so dont want to end the friendship, but spend most of my time holding on to dd when we see them.

We had a similar situation with a couple our friends kids when Dd was small. They were very agressive and used to thump and push her. In contrast she wasthe most shy, quiet, clingy passive child ever! We distanced ourselves for a little while and bu the time the kids were a bit older one had grown out of it completely and the other was still volatile. In that time Dd had also grown in confidence and actually enjoyed playing with them both.

I think so much depends on the other parents reaction OP.

Many many children grow out of this behaviour but for now, if I were you I would distance myself a bit.

Offer to have the child for a couple of hours without the mother.
You can discipline him yourself then. Chuck in a couple of deathstares as well.

I cannot socialise at all because my DS3 is 'too rough'. I don't ever get any time away from my DS3, so I don't socialise.

It isn't that he bites, or pushes, or shoves or snatches.

He walks through people as if they do not exist. Which often hurts the people he has barged past.

He is being assessed for Autism in May. It has lost me a lot of my friends, as they all have DC's around the same age, and have decided that they cannot see me with my DC's present.

I physically cannot always be quick enough to stop my 2yo DS3, as I have arthritis (was only dxd 7 months ago, it didn't start until AFTER DS3 was born!).

And they have decided that they need to protect their DC's from being barged through.

While I understand it, it is still upsetting and isolating, because nothing I do helps. My DS3 has a severe speech delay, and doesn't understand me when I say or sign to use gentle hands, or that he has to look for other people.

If he genuinely DOESN'T understand what I am saying to him, then the naughty step is useless. As is trying to explain anything to him. He just DOESN'T understand.

He doesn't even know what his shoes are, he can't get a toy if asked to bring it to me.

When you are in a situation where your friends have had to stop seeing you when your DC is with you, yet you never get any time without your DC, you end up living your entire social life on MN.

It's lonely.

Just bear that in mind.

Does her DS have any speech delay or other issues?

I was making the point pat butchers earring tyhat you were all being very smug that your dear children would not be capable of such acts and the poor mother involved is probably at her wits end then to make it worse her so called friends drop her like a hot potato! obviously friends like you are SHALLOW

Jollygoose If by being 'shallow' you mean that I will prioritise the physical wellbeing of my own child above a relationship with someone whom I have known for less than 3 years, then I would be delighted to accept that title.

Also, let's not forget the primary reason why most people (and certainly myself) made 'mum friends': for the benefit of their CHILD. If the relationship is therefore no longer benefiting the child and hasn't been for some time, why should anyone be obliged to maintain it?

FWIW my DD has been known to be less than pleasant at times in various ways. As a consequence, I'm aware of a couple of other mother's doing the distancing routine with us. Do I blame them? No. Because I understand that that is there prerogative, and they must do what they see as being in the best interests for their child.