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AIBU?

to not understand the rules of double barrell names. Explanation needed!

95 replies

heliumballoon1 · 14/02/2013 10:56

Dh and I have decided to give our new baby both our surnames. I kept my surname when we married and want our DC to have my name too.

However, I'm not entirely sure how it works. Sometimes double barrell names are hyphenated and sometimes not. Why is this? And which one should we go for? Does a hyphen mean that the two names are one complete name and are always used together?

We may just decide to use just one name on a daily basis - does that mean it would be better not to use hyphen?

Advice needed please!

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GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 08:32

Well, I love my husband more than my dad?! I don't know, I guess I don't see any reason to break with tradition. I quite liked getting a new name.

GingerbreadGretel · 15/02/2013 08:37

My name represents a group of people who were cleared off the land in the Highland Clearances, shipped to Ulster, never quite found their niche there then moved to the antipodes and founded a new town. They changed the spelling at Scotland/Ulster step, so the name now links directly to that. Yes it is my father's but it is mine and many others too!

It is fine to enjoy getting a new name. It would be nice to be able to recognise the validity of other people's choices too?

malteserzz · 15/02/2013 08:38

I think it's wanky too I was proud to take my husbands name when we married

GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 08:40

I didn't say anything about it being wrong to do it. I was asking a question! I have a big thing of my family tree at home and surnames change all the time.

RealAleandOpenFires · 15/02/2013 08:46

Our LO has a double barrel name (with a hyphen) as myself & DP are the last of our lines.

GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 08:53

That's interesting realale. That way you see your family name continue. That's nice to do.

okthen · 15/02/2013 09:21

Our kids are firstname myname dpname. No hyphen.

In hindsight I'd add an hyphen as it clearly marks out the first name from the surname(s). As it stands there is often a bit of confusion with docs/forms etc. though nothing that is not cleared up by a quick question and answer. Be warned though, plenty of people will just call your child by the man's name regardless!

We didn't double barrel through wankiness or aspiration. We did it because I think women taking their husband's name is outdated and sexist (we're not married but if we were, I'd keep my name). It actually makes me cringe when a friend- who has built a life, a career, an identity which includes her own name- wipes out that identity when she gets married. Fair enough to want the same name; but in all honesty, how many men would take their wife's name? How many DO? Very very few. When this changes I'll reconsider my views.

As for what my kids choose to do if/when they find partners and have kids- well, it's up to them. I expect by then things will be much more fluid wrt names. They could make up a new one if they wanted. There's no reason why there needs to be a consistent family name for generations. Especially now that divorce and blended families are commonplace.

GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 11:58

I disagree okthen. The life I built up has nothing to do with my name, it's my fathers name and I just happen to have it.
I have I emotional attachment to it at all.

It sad that a friends decision makes you cringe, it's just a name.

aldiwhore · 15/02/2013 12:07

When I write my double barrelled name I don't use a hyphen, it's simply two surnames. I don't have a hissy fit when someone hyphenates it though..

You can legally call yourself whatever you like.

I took DH's name, he took mine... we did it for a number of reasons including; he's self employed, has a common name, mine not so common, he gets more work now as he's easier to find. I struggled to think up first names, having two surnames made it easier to not have second names. When I married I was still me, DH was still him, it seemed logical to create a union of our names rather than me to lose mine. It sounds nice.

We didn't need deed poll. Our solicitor drew up a declaration for free, this was accepted by all official bodies when applying for passports/driving licences etc.,

Legally, you can call youself anything... to make it official, you need a solicitor and 2 witnesses. My mate changed his name to Phineas Bluestone Breeze Blue... no hyphen, formally his surname is Bluestone Breeze Blue. Yes he's a hippy.

BornInACrossFireHurricane · 15/02/2013 12:08

But it's not just your fathers name, it's yours. In that case you could argue that nobody has their own name.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 15/02/2013 12:26

When we got married i kept my name and my husband kept his. When we met i had one child form a previous relationship who had my name. We then had four dc together, two before, two since our marriage.
I wanted to have all my children to have the same name so we decided all the children have my name.
I did not want to end up with children with a different surmane from mine and felt a double name would not solve the issue as when my children have children, will they have four grandparental names and which and what about their children?

sashh · 15/02/2013 13:05

I thinnk the only rule is do not actually spell 'hyphen' in the middle, otherwise do as you want.

GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 13:12

But it was only my name because my mum married my dad. You could argue that I should have had my mothers maiden name. But then her mother had a different name..... And so on.

It's just a name. I just wanted my children and my husband and me to all have the same one. I didn't want to keep mine, as I said before I love my husband more than my dad, plus my name was a bit silly.

If you are changing names to parts of this and another or double barrelling you are in fact changing the name as well....

I can see why you would keep your name when you are about the history, but I can't see why you would keep it just because you feel it's empowering or something.....

lisac99 · 15/02/2013 13:14

I was born with a double barrelled name.

So was my Father.

So was my Grandfather.

It's been in our family for over 300 years so no middle class aspirations here, only using the name I was born with.

I think if I ever had children, I'd like them to have my surname, however I could compromise and have half of my surname and my partners. If my partner wanted us to all have the same surname, he could change his and I'd therefore change mine.

I think it's wanky that some people seem to think that a name you were born with could be considered 'less' than a name you choose to take on marriage. I'm proud of my name... it's been with me for over 31 years.

StuntGirl · 15/02/2013 13:22

I don't think I have ever seen an argument over this as ludicrous as "I love my husband more than my dad"

GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 13:24

I'm not arguing. I'm just saying to me it's just a name. I see nothing to make me want to keep my old surname or my dads family name, that's all.

I was pointing out that I see a big reason to take my husbands name.

I was interested in why people keep their maiden names and people have posted some interesting replies.

StuntGirl · 15/02/2013 13:35

While you continue to see names as simply the property of men to be given out you won't understand. What on earth makes you, after however many years of your life, feel that it is not 'your' name?

And why, in this miraculous union of families, if a name is 'just a name', could equal consideration not be given to your name as well as his?

GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 13:45

I felt that I wanted to be part of a new family, not still remain in mine. I did not want to keep my old name, it's as simple as that!

What on earth is the problem!?

nickelbabe · 15/02/2013 14:02

Girl - i'm afraid I agree with StuntGirl - it is a bloody flimsy excuse/reason to take a name.

fine, you wanted to take your husband's name, but please don't dress it up as that because it doesn't sound very well thought-out at all.

GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 14:05

Dress it up as what? Sorry, I am confused to what the problem is.

okthen · 15/02/2013 14:08

GirlOutnumbered- you say it's 'just a name' then list several reasons why you wanted to change it. Clearly it is loaded with some significance for you, ergo not 'just a name'.

Did your husband consider changing his? Would he? That's not an attack on your husband specifically btw. How many men REALLY would change their name?and if not why not? The answer to that would explain my issue. Because if there's a reason men wouldn't, why does that not apply to women.

As for feeling like a family unit by having the same name... I don't get it. Surely you don't need a shared name to feel like a unit?

ironhorse · 15/02/2013 14:16

i always think a surname with a hyphen in it is seen as a double barrelled name however if its just firstname mysurname othersurname then the mysurname in the middle is seen as a middle name - it doesnt make their/your surname double barrelled.

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Viviennemary · 15/02/2013 14:17

I think this trend for double barrelled names is a bit silly. And I hope in will die out soon. The old rule used to be double barrelled with hyphen then names always used together and filed under first letter of first surname. And double barrelled without hyphen last name usually used for filing purposes.

GirlOutNumbered · 15/02/2013 14:18

I didn't think you did need one family name no, but before we were married I had a different name to my son and I hated it. I never thought about getting married before, but thought that I would actually like to be married and have a family name. I never realised how traditional I was I guess.

Yes, we did think about whose name to have, my husband would have given serious consideration to it, if I had been adamant I wanted to keep mine but I wasn't. The choice to me was either my fathers family name or my husbands family name. I was happy with husbands that's all. I guess either my dad doesn't mean that much to me or I really do just think its a name and took the nicest one....

Not sure if that makes any sense and its just my feeling anyway, I appreciate its not the same for everyone. It's nice that people can choose.

nickelbabe · 15/02/2013 14:25

exactly - what okthan said.

you obviously didn't just take your DH's name because you didn't think about it and just accepted convention - you clearly did it deliberately.
but you do sound like you're trying to make excuses for it.

take your DH's name if that's your choice, but don't fob it off as giving up your father's name in favour of your DH. it's your name you gave up.

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