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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not want to go to wedding when I know the bride isn't being exactly faithful

44 replies

mawi · 14/02/2013 03:45

We are invited to a wedding and I don't want to go. The wedding is in Spain, is going to cost a fortune to go to and we are not exactly flush.

The bride has cheated 3 times in the last 8 months that I know about so I don't think I should be paying out to go to a wedding that I think shouldn't be happening in the first place.

I have says to her about cheating and she denies it but it happened in front of me in nightclub. I am debating with myself whether to tell the groom but they have a family and I don't want to be blamed for tearing their family apart.

I have told her that I don't think they should be getting married & yet I am still invited. Would I be unreasonable to tell her that I am not going because it is a sham in my eyes, all for show & nothing to actually so with the sanctity of marriage?

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 14/02/2013 10:59

well I wouldn't go

but I wouldn't be bollocking on about the 'sanctity of marriage' either

it all sounds like a tawdry waste of money to me

egdeh · 14/02/2013 11:02

Not on the same level of cheating by the sounds of it, but I had a friend who was planning her wedding & buying house with her fiance. We all thought he was lovely then, just before Exchange on house and about 2 months before wedding she got an anonymous letter basically saying he was living a double life, had another girlfriend etc. Turns out was true, one if his friends wrote the letter as he couldn't let her get married not knowing. Broke her heart but she was so glad to know and I know she is grateful to the friend who told her.

YellowDinosaur · 14/02/2013 11:05

It's hardly a rare occurence for someone about to get married to have a last bit of fun before they get tied down

If my dh had had the view that this was in any way reasonable, from justifying infidelity to thinking when you get married you are 'tired down' there is no way in hell I would have married him.

keely79 · 14/02/2013 11:07

Don't go. The point of having guests at a wedding is that they are there to support and witness the marriage - if you don't support it (justifiably IMO) then you shouldn't be there. Whether or not you tell the groom is a different matter - is there someone close to him (like a sibling or cousin or something) that you could discuss this with?

Bogeyface · 14/02/2013 11:08

One drunken snog where you wake up and think "OMG! What did I do?!" and make sure you never do it again is one thing. 3 times in 8 months is not on and I wouldnt want to marry someone who did that.

I would be inclined to let him know, and would not be going to the wedding.

Justforlaughs · 14/02/2013 11:18

I wouldn't go to the wedding unless the groom was a close friend/ relative, in which case I would be telling him about her behaviour.

jellyboatsandpirates · 14/02/2013 11:23

Really interesting to see what kind of responses a WOMAN gets cheating on here.
Three times in the last 8 months, and has been seen by the OP drunk and copping off with a bloke in a nightclub.
Loads of responses ranging from:
"Keep your beak out, it's none of your business."
"It's hardly a rare occurrence for someone to have fun before they get tied down"
"Not the same level of cheating, is it?"

Reverse the roles and you had an OP who was female and saying she was about to marry someone who was doing what this OP's friend had been doing.
Would the responses have been the same?
Nope, it would be more like an unanimous chorus of "LTB!"
Cheating's cheating, regardless of which party's doing it, no?!

FriendlyLadybird · 14/02/2013 11:25

I wouldn't go but I probably wouldn't say anything to the groom.

Not that I condone the bride's behaviour but people are complex creatures. The groom may already suspect but has decided not to 'know'. They may have decided to get married as an arrangement. She may stop snogging other people once the ring is on her finger...

phoenixrose314 · 14/02/2013 11:43

jellyboats I couldn't agree with you more, am thoroughly disgusted with the responses of people here. Not all of them obviously, but seriously am astounded!! If it were a man doing this I bet you'd all be up in arms, flaming the bastard and quite rightly.

I agree that one drunk snog followed by plenty of remorse, although betrayal, would be forgivable - mistakes happen. But the behaviour put to us by OP is that this is repeated snogs, so presumably no remorse?? It is in nature the same as an affair in the respect that there is no guilt or shame in the action, and it has been repeated, with total disregard for the fact that they are supposed to be faithful to someone they are claiming to love!!

I guess I must have a very naive view of what love is... This world depresses me!!!

MrsKeithRichards · 14/02/2013 11:49

Don't be depressed phoenix, I'd be saying the scoop regardless. Not your place to say. You don't know what's going on with them. Decline invite.

girlywhirly · 14/02/2013 13:39

When people are invited to a wedding, they are not obliged to attend, and they are also not obliged to provide an excuse or reason for refusing the invitation. So you can just send a 'Thank you for your invitation sorry we will not be able to attend' card now, and send a congatulations card near to the wedding date. There is no need to justify yourself to the bride and groom, regardless of why you don't want to attend.

whiteflame · 15/02/2013 05:11

I never understood the view that someone about to get married is about to get "tied down". A hundred years ago perhaps. Today, by the time they get to that stage, they are already well and truly tied down!!

StuntGirl · 15/02/2013 08:46

I would not go, I wouldn't give a reason. She will probably work it out herself anyway.

mmmuffins · 15/02/2013 09:07

I wouldn't go. Feel free to tell her why, but if she is definitely going through with it, you can encourage her to take her vows seriously and be faithful to her husband, particularly for the sake of her children.

If they already have children, then I wouldn't tell the groom. Perhaps the bride can still get her act together.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 15/02/2013 09:11

jellyboats I have seen the 'keep your beak out' response on here regardless of who is doing the cheating. Agree with you on the rest though.

The OP says the bride has cheated 3 times that she knows about so it could well have been more. As for being tied down if marriage to someone is that bad then don't marry them.

Mawi on the information you have given I'd say decline the invitation and cite cost as a reason if you wish to give one.

PurpleStorm · 16/02/2013 15:30

I wouldn't go. But I'd tell her that the reason was the cost if I needed to justify not going.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/02/2013 16:15

I wouldn't go. Cheating makes a complete mockery of the marriage vows and i wouldn't want to spend time and money watching somebody do that.

As for telling the groom, I would not tell him unless he was my brother/close friend, in which case I would be prepared to take the fallout. People tend to shoot the messenger, so you have to decide whether you are invested enough in his welfare to take the flak.

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/02/2013 16:25

The perspective bride actually had sex in front of you at a nightclub?

To some people that would be the only thing they class as cheating, it is not your place to decide for your self what this couple personally define as cheating not impose your definition of it on them.

By all means don't go, but if you decide to tell then you need to work out a few things,

Why did you not say anything the first time?
Why have you chosen to leave it until now?
Why is it anything to do with you?
What drama will occur if you do.
Will anybody thank you?

Unless she has caught a sti as a result of cheating and the groom is unaware of the sti then cheating is not a lawful impediment to marriage so you have no duty to declare your knowledge

mrsbunnylove · 16/02/2013 16:31

don't go. bearing in mind you don't wish them any happiness together, attending the wedding would be a travesty.

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