Too hurt to cry, too sick to eat or sleep. Apparently I am not anyone's partner, I am undesignated - after six months of partnership level commitment. I have NEVER tried to own him in fact was thanked for my indulgence for three months while he spent most of his time with his mates cos one was leaving. He calls me by this woman's name in bed then swears they don't like me and am banned from the area of his life he has spent most of November and December with (obviously thinking of them not me). Fuck his privacy that is just an excuse to treat me like this - and where the hell does he get off telling me we aren't married and he has no label (ie status) in my life, just more than a friend. Friend with benefits then - arrogant git has nowhere near the level of trust my actual HUSBAND earned - and it's polite to wait til you're offered! He should be so fuckin lucky.
emailed to him 24 hours later
Although there is no legal definition of living together, it generally means to live together as a couple without being married.
(ie bar the odd night back at the Hotel, since the beginning of AUGUST - nearly six months)
You can formalise aspects of your status with a partner
So you are unfair and unreasonable just because you do not want the ex et al finding out you have an undesignated.
There is obviously baggage and issues but you have enjoyed partnership level commitment. Nowhere NEAR the level of trust earned by my actual husband - how dare you?!
I do NOT presume to step into her shoes I was just stupid enough to goby the rest of the world's definition. I acquiesce to your attempt to sabotage the first date FOR ME and your attempt to put me in my undesignated (actually, friend with benefits) place.
I do not and never will agree with your distorted viewpoint.
You do this when you are sleep deprived and choose not to get at least a nap on the day of your night off - as when your money runs out. I get it in the neck with your nasty erroneous conclusions.
I will see you when you have slept and are not being as much of a bastard - now there's a label for you.
That will be some time after Valentine's Day then.
AIBU?
to be livid at being told I have no partner are 13 months?
brightspark2 · 13/02/2013 00:20
I do not know what to do about this couple of friends. I do not wish to ban him from there unless I am with him that is wrong, as would be making him choose.
erm...I don't think you are in a position to be able to ban him from anything. Again, you clearly don't have much of a grasp of reality if you think this is a relationship where you can call any shots whatsoever. You can't even get him to come home to you each night, never mind dictate which friends he can and can't see. but let's suppose you could - it would not be wrong to make him choose between spending a sensible amount of time with friends, together as a couple, and practically living with them and totally excluding you. Because that's how you tell the difference between a proper partner and a cocklodger. Which bit of this can you not see? 
And actually I think he is either lying to you about being at Claire's house all the time, or perhaps Claire and her husband are equally cheesed off about the amount of time he spends there. Perhaps he uses them like he uses you because he's a parasitic man-child who won't take any responsibility for looking after himself.
It is odd the way he spends great extended chunks of time with all these friends and yet seems obsessed about keeping you away from that part of his life. Have you considered the fact that he might actually be living a double life with another woman? He could even be married. It happens.
Look at all the red flags:
He is very touchy about discussing anything that formalises or acknowledges an actual live-in relationship with you.
you do not want the ex et al finding out you have an undesignated.
He wants long term love but to be ostensibly single.
but objects if I refer to him as my partner
and where the hell does he get off telling me we aren't married and he has no label (ie status) in my life, just more than a friend.
He is very controlling about the access you have to his friendships and family, and tries not to be seen with you in public, like you are a secret. 
then swears they don't like me and am banned from the area of his life
We only go to darkened cinemas cos that is what he likes we do not go out socially with others at all
We enjoy each other's company except he does not like pubs or clubs just going round to friends
He spends extraordinary amounts of time away from you, frequently overnight for days/weeks on end, for quite far fetched and weird reasons.
in fact was thanked for my indulgence for three months while he spent most of his time with his mates cos one was leaving.
spent most of November and December with [Claire and Mark] (obviously thinking of them not me).
he lost his job four weeks ago and practically lived at his best mates,
he does not use drugs but does go to help his disabled mate at nights.
his best mate just moved away, the other couple he sees a lot are Mark and Claire and he was round there often in party season and plays poker round there.
I will see you when you have slept and are not being as much of a bastard - now there's a label for you. That will be some time after Valentine's Day then.
you are supposedly his only partner but after only 13 months he is not spending Valentine's day with you?
...when he chooses to stay up not sleep after he has been up several days - some necessary, some not.
Unless he actually works nights (works for pay in a proper job, not just 'helping his disabled mate') then there is never a necessary reason to stay up all night for several nights, or out all night for several weeks. He is shirty with you because you keep quizzing him about where he has been. The lack of sleep thing is just you trying to justify it because you won't face the very obvious truth.
He is very gentle around me today and will talk to me when he has a day away from his disabled mate which is Friday - I am not letting him brush this under the carpet any more and he will not be coming back here after he has been to A Road to see the couple who do not like me.
So you say that your 'relationship' has had six months of 'partnership level commitment' and you consider that you live together, yet as far as I can tell he has barely spent more than a few fragmented weeks with you since October.
Shall I go on? Are the scales falling from your eyes yet?
He calls me by this woman's name in bed
Gut feeling he is still hung up on his ex -they split 10 years ago
Claire is the name he called me once in the kitchen and once in bed.
he often calls me by a different version of my real name too and is horrified when he does that.
I do not and never will agree with your distorted viewpoint.
You do this when you are sleep deprived and choose not to get at least a nap on the day of your night off - as when your money runs out. I get it in the neck with your nasty erroneous conclusions.
Actually I think the only person who has a distorted viewpoint here is you. He is telling you this is not, and possibly never has been a proper relationship and you are not listening. You are a FWB and a convenient stopgap when he needs a place to dump his stuff between other relationships/homes/jobs. He won't stop coming round until you stop telling him to. And it sounds as though you keep begging him to.
we will have to talk about the homewrecking mates dripping poison and his collaboration with them, plus his double standards and issuin unreasonable orders with no explanation expecting me to blindly follow them
now you are sounding a bit unhinged and histrionic and paranoid. I'm sorry but you are. Stop fantasising and laying the blame for his lack of interest and commitment at the door of his friends. It is not their responsibility to send him 'home' to you.
I don't care how long he has known them; if he goes there, he takes their sofa, does not get dinner or bed here and can go on to his disabled mate's from there.
Right. Now you are talking. That is the only line you have posted that has made any sense whatoever. You know what to do, so do it. I sincerely doubt he will even look over his shoulder.
One of three things is happening here. Either:
he is living a double life and he genuinely doesn't want you to find out, and he has picked you because you are gullible and easy to manipulate, or:
He is a non-committal cocklodger who stays with you when he feels like it because it's easy and comfortable and convenient, or:
He started off committed to you, but his feeling changed, and he has told you this many times but you refuse to accept it. He has virtually moved out, but is not in a position to get a place of his own so he sofa surfs at friends and only comes back to you when he has no choice, because that is where is stuff is.
Either way, you need to take control and change the situation, because he sure as hell is not going to.
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