To not moan about my DH, therefore unintentionally pissing off nearly every woman I know?

[badtasteflump]

No exaggeration - all my female relatives and most of my friends seem to have one favourite topic of conversation - being 'the general crapness of men'. Whatever the subject, it always seems to end up being about men being useless, men being thoughtless, lazy, dim, whatever. Sometimes it's in a jokey 'Mr Bean' way, sometimes it's a real slanging session.

I don't feel comfortable with these conversations for two reasons. 1 - I have sons, and quite often they're around when these conversations are going on. I don't want them to grow up believing that men are there to have the piss taken out of them. 2 - My DH isn't perfect (nearly but not quite ) but he works hard and does everything he can for me & the DC. So I don't have any reason to slate him and don't want to anyway - why would I be so shitty about someone I'm supposed to love? .

So anyway, usually when these conversations are going on I go a bit quiet or make my excuses and go (because apart from anything else it's boring to hear again and again and again). At that point my friends/family will start pulling faces and making remarks like "Ooh Mr Flump would never do that.... ooh loves young dream Ooh sorry I forgot you live in a perfect little love bubble" etc ect....

One of these times I did actually get quite pissed off and tell the family member concerned that it was really sad that she'd rather spend her life with someone who she clearly doesn't have any respect for and slag him off constantly behind his back than do anything about it . We had a few frosty weeks after that...

So anyway, AIBU?

[Jelly15]

YANBU. There are several things that annoy/have upset me about DH but I don't moan about him to family and friends because I love him and he is mine but most of all I would be hurt if he slagged me off to others.

[Pandemoniaa]

YANBU in not wanting to join in with constant fault finding even though none of us are perfect. So while there are things that do desperately irritate me about DP at times, I don't bang on about this to the exclusion of any other conversation and neither do my friends.

I tend to take the view that if someone is so awful to live with that their awfulness needs to be the topic of constant conversation then you should examine why you are with them at all. If someone is, genuinely, in an awful relationship then you support them of course, but most of the people I've come across who want to slag off their partners relentlessly seem to want to do so for the sake of it.

I still remember the truly vile tea party hosted by someone who spent two hours talking in graphic and vitriolic detail about her husband's failings in pretty much every area. When we got onto the topic of his wanking preferences me and another friend suddenly discovered an urgent appointment elsewhere. All was made worse by knowing him in another capacity (so to speak) and I was never able to look him in the eye without thinking "I know why you take your briefcase to the bathroom on Fridays but I wish I didn't".

[pictish]

Mmm...one the one hand yanbu at all, because I agree that moaning about men is not only boring, but often counterproductive as they all commiserate with one another and cement together the acceptability of crap relationships.
On the other hand, you don't need to be so tight lipped and prickly about it really, do you?
Behind the bitching and the shredding is the very real message that they do not like their husbands. That's a big thing to deal with in their lives.

[Loa]

It may be contrary, but I don't actually mind my friends discussing their DH's and their problems

I think there is a difference between talking through problems to help clarify what the problems are and how to communicate that to encouraging fault finding for its own sake and dripping poison in ears.

Mostly I think some women just get into a habit of low level moaning about DP with out being unhappy as such which is depressing to be round and really not good for anyone.

[Berts]

YANBU - I have a friend who never, NEVER opens her mouth to even mention her DH unless it's to say how crap/selfish/wrong he is about everything. And she never misses an opportunity to jump on any tiny thing I mention about my DH to go 'See, at least your DH does ..., you're so lucky, etc, etc' until it's come to the point that I avoid talking about my DH at all, or only ever mention negative things about him. sigh

It's depressing and makes me think she not only doesn't like her DH, but has absolutely no respect for him at all. She not only slags him off to me, but to his face in front of me, which I find mortifying, and rude to me as well as him.

Call me old-fashioned, but I was raised to never discuss your arguments with your husband outside the house - you sort them out with your DH before you start airing all your dirty linen elsewhere. It's the sort of thing that corrodes your whole relationship.

[badtasteflump]

I agree Berts . It's the 'walls and windows' thing for me.

[Wishiwasanheiress]

Replying direct to op - don't moan about mine either. He's pretty steadily fab. Drives others bats.

Now, his mother on the other hand.......

[Goldmandra]

Gold yes I see what you mean about 'venting'. But in another way I think they are managing to slowly but surely ruin their relationships. My mum and one of my sisters spend lots of time together at my sisters house - where the main topic of conversation is how useless her H is. These conversations don't end when the H walks in - and then they wonder why he goes out all the time

Fair comment. That is a bit beyond venting.

I still think having a moan and sharing frustrations can be healthy in the context of a normal loving relationship. It helps me to hear sometimes when other people's DHs are also incapable of noticing anything which needs putting away or getting what's going on in their own children's heads.

What you are describing sounds toxic!

[badtasteflump]

Wishi ooh yes MILs are exempt

[lottiegarbanzo]

YANBU at all, I hate this and similarly often go quite or leave. I would be very angry if DP spoke about me in this way.

There are degrees of it though. Many people, men too, believe the 'Mars vs Venus' stuff and, as with any belief system, always seek to explain everything in that context, however absurd or contradictory the result. I am that 'sometimes I'd rather be right than have friends' bore who talks about bell curves and a continuum of behaviour, which may have extreme masculine at one end and feminine at the other but, 'remember, those terms do not mean the same as male and female and most people will be in the middle.' Blank looks, return to entertaining prejudice.

Post-baby, I have found the roles adopted by my parent-friends interesting, some depressing and have seen the extent to which women who have 'hopeless, bless them, hardly help me with my housework and parenting' partners had similarly disengaged fathers and, however much they hoped for something different, have chosen something familiar - because in their world, all men are like that, so why would you reject someone for those attitudes or expect otherwise?

I walk a tightrope between demonstrating that people do live differently and not wanting to make them feel worse about a situation they're already unhappy about. Given that major change is unlikely, I am rather more sympathetic to their need to blow off steam and seek comfort in fellow-feeling.

[twinklesparkles]

Yanbu :) and I think its lovely that you started this thread

I don't slag off my dh, it just puts him down (even if he isn't there to hear it). He tries his hardest and even when things are hard moaning about him to all and sundry isn't going to help. I doubt it helps the wives/girlfriends either although it can be good to vent, I don't understand how putting someone down then others agreeing with you (even though they aren't involved) can make the situation any better.
Plus sometimes it does feel like the women are just doing it as this is the general topic :( its like a mass slanging match towards hubbys

If I knew my dh spoke about me like that(he doesn't... Well he better bloody not lol) to his friends I'd be so devastated and would hope we couldve discussed it between ourselves.

XxX

[Loa]

This is a book www.ask.com/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book) that deals with social games people play and often don't realise they are - I can't remember what they all are but I wouldn't be suprised if this behavior was one of them - could explain why it's so hard not to go alone with and why the are so nasty OP when you don't.

[idococktailshedoesbeer]

I have a laugh with my friends about stupid things DP does and I know he tells his mates about my obsession with keeping the house tidy as they all wind me up about it. But it's all done affectionately, he is brilliant on the whole and I also tell my friends about all the lovely things he does. I would never be vicious, why would you be with someone you can't stand?

[CartedOff]

Games People Play blew my mind way back in the day. Great book.