Why do I end up alienating people whenever I stick up for myself or won't do as they say?

[911AreBack]

Other people seem to get away with being true to themselves and everyone respects them for it.

First example; my 6 year old DD fell out with a friend at school. Her mum was a friend and blamed the argument solely on DD, which I thought was unfair, as having heard DD's side of the story it did sound as though it was just six of one and half a dozen of the other. The mum phoned me up and was quite aggressive about it all and really was very negative about my DD, and I said that I thought it was just a kids' argument and that perhaps we should leave them to sort it out amongst themselves. She slammed the phone down and has refused to speak to me ever since. This was about 4 months ago.

Second example: my sister keeps cancelling plans we've made to meet up for lunch, as she's been invited elsewhere by friends. It happened twice recently and when it happened for the third time the other day I said that I was upset that she kept cancelling on me as I'd been looking forward to meeting. Cue a torrent of nastiness from my sister, saying I was difficult and I would alienate people by being the way I am.

Third example: A friend relied on me to do lots of favours but it was never reciprocated, and when I started saying that I could not do things for her, she got quite arsey each time I said no, and now never contacts me and is passive aggressive towards me on Facebook and if she sees me.

I want to just be true to myself and not care what anyone thinks but whenever I try to act as anything other than a door mat people get annoyed with me.

[911AreBack]

What upsets me a lot too is if someone falls out with me, all my friends continue being friends with them yet the person I've fallen out with's friends shun me too. The woman that I did the favours for who has got the hump has a friend she always talks to at pick up time and I always got on well with her. As soon as said friend stopped talking to me this friend did too. She's just walked past me this afternoon with her nose in the air and ignored me. Yet the women I did favours for is still pally with all of my friends, nothing has changed for her.

Don't get me wrong I don't want my friends to stop talking to her, but it'd be nice if her friend still spoke to me, seeing as I didn't actually do anything wrong at all other than refuse to be my friend's slave.

[2rebecca]

I think that if you are assertive and stand up for yourself then people who like other people to be doormats will avoid you.
In the first instance if you were sure your daughter hadn't been bullying the other girl and you had listened to the mum putting her daughter's angle on the story then if the mum decides not to be your friend that's OK, your daughter doesn't like her daughter anyway, if the friendship won't survive this sort of thing it's not a real friendship.
The same goes for the 3rd case, this doesn't sound like a real friend anyway. If any of my real friends said they felt I took advantage of them I'd be upset and would try and sort things out. The fact that she didn't makes it sound as though she didn't value your friendship, block her on facebook.
Your sister just sounds as though she didn't like hearing a home truth.
Try finding friends you like and who like you. Dropping people who take advantage is OK, but it's not surprising that they have a huff when they are dropped as people who use other people tend not to see other people and their emotions as being as important as theirs.
Accepting some people will like you and others won't is part of life. Concentrate on the people who you can have proper reciprocal friendships with.

[Salbertina]

V true.
Op - can relate to much of what you're saying, right down to the rather toxic dsis. I now realise family roots have caused me doubt myself so much and need to be permanently vigilant to this.

[CailinDana]

Another way to look at it is like this:being a people pleaser isn't actually a positive thing for the person you're trying to please. The message people pleasers tend to send is - "I need you to validate me." That is quite a lot of pressure and can be extremely annoying. It's much more fun and interesting to be with a person who is sure of themselves and who you know will tell you if something is wrong. With a people pleaser you never quite know what they're thinking - you always get the "oh whatever you want," "I don't mind," etc etc. so you're constantly second guessing yourself.

I have one particular friend who is a terrible people pleaser. If she wasn't such a wonderful kind person I don't think our friendship would have survived as long as it has (ten years). Her inability to say exactly what she wants and needs drives me batshit and in fact I find it quite insulting that she doesn't trust me enough to be honest with me. It is great to have a friend where you can say "How about the cinema?" and you know for certain that if they don't want it they will say so and suggest something else - it's so much easier than wondering if the person saying "I don't mind" actually means it or not!

[911AreBack]

Euro, I really hope I care less and less with age; I'm in my 30s now and admittedly I do care less than I used to but still care far more than I wish to!

takeonboard, I need to discover how to have that knack too!

[takeonboard]

I often think this, I get walked all over or I say no and it turns into a huge issue. Yet I know people who without a second thought for anyone else just go ahead with what they want to do or say and still come out smelling of roses.

There is a knack to it - being assertive and friendly at the same. I just don't seem to be able to do it.

[EuroShagmore]

911 age helped with me. In my 20s I cared desperately what people thought of me. In my 30s, I give far less of a f*. At this rate, by 70, I will be the eccentric old bat lifting her skirt at pretty young men in the supermarket and swearing at everyone who gets in my way.

[911AreBack]

Euro, I agree! I need some tips as to how I can stop giving a fuck though!

Piglet, I guess they did do me a favour, at least I have found out now what they are like.

Do any of you other people pleasers also find that throughout your life you've taken flack for other peoples' bad behaviour? A friend of mine recently fell out with another friend and commented on a FB status of mine but slagged off this friend they had fallen out with. I deleted their comment but the friend that was being slagged off saw it, and instantly deleted us both from FB. Those two have now made up, but the friend who it was written about won't speak to me, even though I phoned her to say I wasn't involved in any way. I get scapegoated a lot.

[pigletmania]

Look op you sound lovely, thse people you described are not very nice. They did you a favou revealing their true colours, in waste a second thought f those 'so called friends, your sister is family which is more difficult. After that abuse I would definitely keep my distance unless it was ut of character and there could be more to it

[EuroShagmore]

I think you need to learn to give less of a f*, personally.

[911AreBack]

Cailin, I try to distance myself from them as much as possible but then they make out I'm the bad guy and I get moaned at for upsetting them all and not getting in contact. Glad it's not just me that is in this situation. I think there is definitely something from the people pleaser element

[Oblomov]

I totally 'GET' OP, because scenario number 1 happened to me, only it was even more dramatic and destructive.
And on my thread it was suggested that I was a people pleaser and I accepted that indeed I was.
Am enjoying reading the responses from people to the Op, and taking on board their comments too.
Hope this gets better for you OP.

[Cherriesarelovely]

I have this very same problem. I've had several scenarios like the ones you describe and I just don"t understand. One thing is that I am definitely a people pleaser but also that I tend not to say how I feel at the outset. Instead I stew about it and when I finally do speak up it is hard to do it calmly. My DP is the opposite, she just says things in a calm, assertive way and people take notice of her. She is famous for it at work and is often called in to deal with tricky situations and people that noone else will touch. I am a bit mystified by it!

[hattymattie]

I also find myself in these situations, I think the problem is like caitlin said it's very difficult to shake off. Some people seem to be able to give out a load of stick and forget about it whereas with me it goes round inside my head - I suppose that's just how we're made. Also the injustice of some of these situations is very difficult to handle.

[CailinDana]

Understandable. And a very difficult thing to shake off. It seems to me that in the long run distancing yourself from your family would be good for you. But you don't necessarily want to do that.

[911AreBack]

Yes, absolutely. I think as a child I had to really fight to keep myself liked within the family. Slightest indiscretion and I'd be in trouble and ignored for days on end. I find it really hard to cope these days with anyone ignoring me

[CailinDana]

IMO that explains a lot about why you worry so much about what other people think. Would you agree?

[911AreBack]

They do, yes.

[CailinDana]

I think I'm seeing where your people-pleasing tendencies might have come from! Do they always side with your sister?

[911AreBack]

It would probably have repercussions. My parents would side with my sister. It would affect my kids.

[CailinDana]

So what if they blame you? I mean that as a genuine question.

[911AreBack]

I like your thinking! Very true that people are all generally self absorbed.

I don't know why I'm worried. Probably because it would cause unease and upset in the family and people would blame me

[CailinDana]

It might sound weird but the thing that makes me confident is the knowledge that while I'm worrying about what everyone thinks of me they're worrying about what everyone thinks of them. People are basically self-absorbed - their main concern is their own life, their own looks, their own children etc. It might amuse them briefly to make fun of me or criticise me but in the end it all comes down to their own insecurities and anyway I'm forgotten in ten minutes. The only person whose opinion I really have to live with is myself and I quite like myself, we're good friends. So I please myself and keep her sweet :)

Why are you worried that your sister will cut you off? It doesn't sound like much of a relationship anyway.

[911AreBack]

That all sounds very accurate, CailinDana. This was the first time I'd spoken up to that mum, even though she's not always been nice in the past (bit of a frenemy). I think I've always been a bit scared of incurring her wrath as I've seen her be very nasty to others.

[911AreBack]

CartedOff, I think I will block her.

MrsBethel, yes you are right I do find disagreements to be a big deal. I think in my head it puts a big of a wedge there between the other person and I and like you say it ramps up the tension. Whereas if, like you say, I was more free with my opinions, I would have nipped these things in the bud ages ago, probably before the 2 friends actually became my friends. As I wouldn't have let them behave badly in the first place let alone again and again.