To wonder how on earth you cope with more than one child?

[BB2000]

Clearly IABU. But please talk some sense into me (kindly). I am very sleep deprived and loosing the plot somewhat.
I have a lovely 18month old DD. Lovely in every way, but was a really very, very, very clingy baby - not wanting to be put down at all (she had a difficult start poor thing being in SCBU). She is now actually a very easy toddler and sociable little girl, but is still a terrible sleeper.
We had been making quite a bit of progress on sleep using a mixture between the no cry sleep solution and pick up put down (I didn?t want to co-sleep and really didn?t want to do CC or CIO). But we?ve had a bad January with various illnesses and teething and after nights and nights of terrible sleep ?up 1-3 1/2 hours a night ? I?m struggling to see reason.
I would love to have a second child and had been planning to get on the case soon (due to biological clocks ticking and all that), but am very worried about the sleep. How on earth do people manage with a new born and a poor sleeping toddler (let alone people who have more than two DC)? I feel like the walking dead already and I only have one child! On the other hand to not have a second child just because of sleep when hopefully that will eventually right itself seems silly really and something I would undoubtedly regret later on.
Oh I should say I have a lovely DH who does his share when here, but is away a lot for work. There is no doubt that lack of sleep has put a strain on our relationship, though we still get on very well and he is a great dad.
So AIBU? And even more importantly, those of you with poor sleepers how do you manage with two (or more)?

[Molehillmountain]

Low standards! Prioritising the things that keep you sane, doing those and let the rest go. I need downstairs tidy once a day, and hoovered. I couldn't care less about dust or windows. You will be fine. Although there's no law that says you have to have more than one.

[Passthesherry]

There's roughly 2yrs between my two - and my eldest started getting night terrors from about 2yrs - which lasted until she was over 4yrs old. So for a couple of years, sleep wasn't great. Eldest would have terrible screaming episodes in the middle of the night It went in phases - sometimes it would be once a week, sometimes it would be several nights a week, then there'd be a few weeks of peace, but then it would come back again. The terrors could just be a single shout-out, to several horrific screaming episodes a night. How we never had the police or Social Services round I'll never know!

Luckily, our youngest was a wonderful sleeper, dropped off quickly and easily from day one, slept almost continuously apart from changes/feeds for the first two months, and even slept through eldest's night screaming (In the same room. Quite a feat.). It's true that one child can be completely different to the next - even today (they're now 3 and 5) - youngest goes out like a light, whilst eldest tosses and turns - though she has grown out of the night terrors.

The other tricky period as I recall was potty training eldest whilst youngest was still on the boob, so there were times at soft play etc, that I'd be in the middle of feeding youngest, when eldest suddenly needed to 'go' - which were a bit of a juggle and could be stressy. But that didn't last very long.

I'll be honest and say sometimes it was awful, and incredibly stressful and a strain on myself and DP's relationship. But because it wasn't at the same constant level all the time, it was 'OK'. Somehow we just got through because the next day could be fine etc. Also I think the second baby for a lot of people is much easier, because you've sort of been there before, and are just more relaxed. I found that my youngest just slotted in really easily.

I love having the two of them so much! They're brilliant companions for each other, and I actually found a 'secret' note by the eldest the other night, which said "I love my little sisder [sic]" that made me go "Awwwww..." The lack of sleep in the early days is more than made up for now. We can also have longer lie-ins again, because they have each other for company and entertainment. They just chat and play by themselves, while we get an extra hr or so in bed!

[Downandoutnumbered]

YANBU. Sleep is one of the reasons we're not having another. I nearly killed myself when DS was about 9 months because I was in such a dark place with sleep deprivation. I can't do that again even though DH would like another (although I do also have a proper medical excuse as having another might leave me in a wheelchair). It's more important for DS to have a mother than a sibling.

[CheeseBallsRule]

Op I could have written your post- only difference is I am 18 weeks pregnant with number 2.

Dd is a terrible sleeper but she is now in a full size bed and I can sneak in and give her a cuddle if she needs it. We did co-sleep though as I bf. we were given a cot which we took the side off and fixed to our bed, it was a sanity saver.

I figure I am having no sleep now. I'd hate to get used to finally having a full nights sleep to it being interrupted again with a newborn!

(Clearly I am delusional and very sleep deprived and have lovely rose tinted glasses!).

[BoffinMum]

I have 4 and I find the more you have, the easier it gets as they look out for each other. I did space them out though.

[Imaginethat]

wonder

[Imaginethat]

You cope, but I have to say that when one of my children is away I am blown away by how easy it is and winder to myself why I had another!

[MorrisZapp]

I couldn't cope with a second child so I'm not having one. I have no idea how anybody copes with two.

[BB2000]

Thank you for all your replies, thoughts and experiences. I really do appreciate it. (As for those of you who have 4+ DC you have my greatest respect ? I don?t know how you do it!!) DD has had a burst eardrum and nasty teething at the moment (poor baby) so I think that is what has brought it all to a head.

Good news is that my wonderful mum has just been on the phone and offered to babysit DD on Friday so DH and I can go away for the night. Bliss! A much needed chance to recuperate and get a bit of perspective on it all.

[determinedma]

You will cope. Everyone else does. Just under 3 years between dd1 and dd2, then a 9 year gap to DS. To be honest, that has been harder than having the two dds close together.
Also, project a bit. Do you want one turning 18 and one 21 in the same year. That was an expensive couple of months!

[Almostfifty]

I can remember crying when I was pregnant with number four asking DH how on earth I would cope when he was away and I had the baby and the toddler awake at the same time.

It rarely happened and I managed to get our eldest to school (with his packed lunch) before the bell every single morning, with me showered and all of them dressed and breakfasted.

You cope because you have to. It just happens. Somehow.

[BubaMarra]

And I actually asked myself the question from the op many many times. I was always able to push myself, but the second baby was a bigger challenge than I expected. Think that making preparations for the second baby is really important. Maybe we were a bit laid back because the first baby was that easy for us, so the second one caught us bit unprepared. Even if the second one is easy going baby it is definitely harder with a baby and a toddler than with one baby only, so good preparation is crucial (sleep and potty training, etc).

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

When they do the thyroid levels, ask for haemoglobin and ferritin levels too.

When my twins were born, the others were four and two. The two year old had delayed motor development so wasn't walking confidently and was still physically like a baby. The first seven months passed by in a blur, so I don't remember much about it, but things do get easier.

[Sugarice]

I had mine 3 in 4.5 years, it will be okay I'm sure.

Relax and go for it.

[Bogeyface]

That is, 2 or 3 loads a day during the week, 3 loads a week would be heaven!

[Bogeyface]

Low standards.

I have 6 and you would be amazed at the things that I dont do in a standard day! Washing is usually done at the weekend, with the washer on constantly rather than 2 or 3 loads during the week. I prefer to do jobs in bulk rather than a bit each day so once a month I make enough lunch sandwiches for everyone for the month and freeze them. Online shopping, and a cleaner if you can afford one!

And dont sweat the small stuff. The floor will not have rotted away if you have a nap instead of hoovering. The dust will still be there tomorrow..... :)

[BubaMarra]

Having one child was really easy for us, no change at all. When the second one came it was a shocker. I guess this is not really something you want to hear. The second baby was not a bad sleeper, but she only slept on me so for months on end I had a lifestyle of a newborn. She was really really clingy although very sociable at the same time. I was preparing meals, cleaning, doing all the stuff with her in my arms (sling would have been better, but we just didn't manage it). I still don't know how to carry my children in my right arm because I've never done it - I had to carry them in my left arm so that I could keep doing other stuff that needed to be done. You kind of grow into that role and just keep going. After 12 months it is much much better.
The thing is, the new baby won't just miraculously appear in your home, it's going to take 9 months in which you can make all necessary adjustments to your lifestyle, routine, etc. In that time your toddler will be almost a year older which will definitely change a lot of things.

[Fairylea]

This is why I have 9 YEARS between mine! Am I'm still struggling!

Seriously though I do think some people cope with lack of sleep better than others. I am not one of them.

I would never have been able to consider having another child until dd was much much older and sleeping through reliably.it would have broken me.

Ds is now 7 months old. I am older and more tired than I was with dd but there is no jealousy between them and I only have one difficult sleeper to contend with!

I'm not saying wait 9 years. But could you wait a few?

[Aethelfleda]

Yes, do get your GP to check your thyroid out. My cousin was shattered by her number 2 child and it turns out she was was hypothyroid.

I've got three and it does get easier, honest. My age gap was two years (ok) then four years (waaay easier!)

[SofaKing]

My first didn't sleep through till 8 months, second was 19 months, third was 9 months, and there are 18 months between the eldest and 25 months between the youngest.

I really struggled with sleep deprivation, especially as DH could only help with DC3 due to heavy work commitments when the oldest two were little.

I co-slept with DC3 as I felt I had no choice, he was awake 5-6 hours a night and one night I feel asleep while bf'ing him sleeping upright, which terrified me. I really wish I had done it from the beginning as it saved my sanity, we took the side off his cot and he slept there next to me and was rolled toward me for feeds and away for sleep.

You will find a way to cope, be it naps in the day during nursery or if a friend or relative will take one or both to let you rest. Mainlining coffee is also useful.

On the plus side all of mine are good sleepers now. I read research which suggested almost all children under five suffer poor sleep at some point, so on the plus side if your DC get it over with when they are newborns you won't suddenly find yourself with an unsleeping toddler and pre-schooler just when you thought it was all over.

[Sugarice]

Ds1 was a text book sleeper.

Dd2 was a terrible sleeper with frequent ear infections and I had to give up my job as I was so exhausted.

Dd3 was just like ds1 and a dream text book baby who did exactly what you wanted.

Ds2 started sleeping well when he was 18 months old and 15 years later sleeps like a dream

[gordyslovesheep]

I have 3 - it gets easier - hang in there x

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

Do you have to think about it now? DS1 was a terrible sleeper from about 18 months - 2.5 years. People would ask me how I coped, but it had just become normal for me, but I absolutely would not have had another in that time. When he got a little older (from 2.5, reasoning started working a little -reward charts etc) and by 3 he was sleeping though til 7. We had DS2 when DS1 was 3.10! So clearly that extra sleep worked! They are both fab sleepers now - DS2 is 26 months and sleeps 7-7, so there is no reason you will have another bad sleeper. Do what you have to do to get more rest right now, and I am sure she will get better. See the GP and get referred if you think she has a real problem.

[MsPickle]

My ds was a bad sleeper and then got better at sleeping but spent months getting up at 5/5.30. We spent a lot of time sofa dozing while he watched tv! It got better gradually over the last year and now he's 3 he's generally pretty good, although we still have occasional early rising days/night wakings cos of monsters. Dd is 7 weeks and although she's given us her fair share of trouble so far she's a much better sleeper than ds at the same stage. We weren't ready any sooner for no.2! I've friends with a smaller gap but where no.2 is the same as dd, I think the main difference at this stage is that ds is more independent and toilet trained. He's also safe to be left to play without needing eyeball contact the whole time but that's more to do with personality I think, he likes playing with his toys so rarely comes up with dangerous 'experiments'. He's also doing a great job of adjusting, helped by dh managing to be home for bedtime, necessary as dd cluster feeds then (hence me posting now!). I think there's no such thing as the perfect gap, your family will be a family whatever the gaps/exhaustion