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AIBU?

that my partner didn't cut the umbilical cord?

127 replies

ScouseBrow · 01/02/2013 17:52

My first is only 3 weeks old and whilst we are extremely happy and exhausted we are still quite upset by the fact that my partner never got to cut the umbilical cord.

It was written in my notes that he didn't want to cut it. When I was in labour however the nurse asked him again would he like to cut it and he said he wasn't sure and she said she would ask him again when it was time to cut it.

However once he was delivered the dr cut the cord himself and my partner was never asked.

We both feel like it was a special moment taken away from us. Aibu?

OP posts:

Report

dangly131 · 01/02/2013 20:23

I don't particularly understand what is special, I am not criticising other's choice to cut the cord, if they so wish it is up to them. However, i just don't get it....

NumericalMum · 01/02/2013 20:33

yAbu but then you have a very good excuse. 3 weeks post birth I was unable to have a sensible thought and burst into tears constantly. My DH didn't cut the cord as I ended up with a ventouse delivery and they wouldn't let him do it. I was gutted I had failed as a mum, ended up with PND and generally hated myself. Nearly 5 years later I realise I was focusing on the wrong things but with no sleep and a lot of "advice" I wasn't really myself!

honeytea · 01/02/2013 20:33

Yabu it was a very strange moment when dp cut ds's cord, tge baby was on my tummy with his legs towards my head, they put tge clamp with the cut cord between ds's legs and in my post birth drug confused state I thought dp had cut ds's penis off, I kept saying omg yiu cut his Willy off!! I had to check it was still attached myself.

Maybe your dp could do your baby's first toe nail cut to make up for it?

MummyPig24 · 01/02/2013 20:47

Haven't read whole thread, apologies. I didn't write a birth plan but mw asked dp if he wanted to cut dds cord, he said he wasn't sure and she said she would ask at delivery. However, dd came out with her arm up by her face and the cord wrapped tightly round her neck twice, so mw had to cut it. Tbh it didn't really matter and dp doesn't feel he missed out.

EugenesAxe · 02/02/2013 00:48

Go to a butcher and ask for a... I dunno, maybe a sheep trachea and cut through that. I reckon it would be similar. It wasn't really a zen moment for me or my DH, more one of interest about how tough it is.

There have been some rather blunt comments on here that nevertheless say 'this is a small disappointment compared to many worse potential outcomes, so get over it.'

GlitterySkulls · 02/02/2013 02:38

aww, your baby is only 3 weeks old & your hormones are all over the place.

in the grand scheme of things, it's really not a big deal- it just seems like it at the moment.

cheer yourself up with the thought that at least your DP got to witness the birth- i gave birth to my DD in the back of an ambulance (and gouged the poor paramedic's hand with my vice-like grip )as DH was waiting at home for BIL to collect DS- it really doesn't matter so long as mum & baby are ok.

Catchingmockingbirds · 02/02/2013 03:23

Yabu, he said he didn't want to do it. Who is more upset about it now, him or you?

If the doctor delivered your baby I'm assuming it wasn't a straightforward labour? I'm sure there were far more pressing things for the doctor to worry about than 'does the partner maybe want a 3rd chance to change his mind about the cord cutting'

McNewPants2013 · 02/02/2013 04:30

Op are you ok

Trazzletoes · 02/02/2013 05:24

Perhaps your DP needs to learn from this to be more vocal if he changes his mind about something.

as others have said, really this is such a small detail in the grand scheme of things. But then again, my DH was adamant he was going nowhere near any cord!

Longdistance · 02/02/2013 05:41

He was given two opportunities to cut thecord. Once on birth plan which said no, and he wasn't sure the time the mw asked at the time.

Doctors and mw's don't have time for dithering. If you plan to have another dc then get your dh to cut that.

Yabu. You have a healthy baby, and you should count your lucky stars.

It's not that bad.

I hope you are well in yourself?

FellatioNels0n · 02/02/2013 05:47

I despair sometimes, I really do. The more touchy-feely we encourage society to get, the more some of us need bloody therapy for narcissistic, first-world non-problems.

dylsmimi · 02/02/2013 07:11

Op - congratulations on your baby.
hope you are ok as i think some posters are being a bit harsh. Generally though I think what people are trying to say is please try not to focus and build this one thing up. It's not that long ago that dads stood outside smoking pipes to come in to a newborn all clean & swaddled. I hope you & Dh can look back at the support he gave & how special it was just to be there. If your Dh or you feel its affecting your bond with the baby you may need to speak to someone.
Fwiw my Dh couldn't cut the cord with Ds1 as he was ventouse & straight onto the ressus trolley. He did with Ds2 but hasn't really mentioned it since and loves them both the same.
There will be so many more moments to have - much more special - your very first smile will only be a few weeks away now :)
Hope you haven't replied as you are catching up on sleep ( we can hope!) And if not both you & Dh give your beautiful baby a cuddle - Thats a special moment :)
Take care

dylsmimi · 02/02/2013 07:14

Sorry just realised its your dp - didnt mean to marry you off!

Splatt34 · 02/02/2013 07:35

The fact that a doctor not a midwife was delivering your baby means it wasn't straightforward. Be grateful for the fact DC is healthy & move on

seeker · 02/02/2013 07:47

Just wanted to pick up on this-

"I believe its also quite important to cut the cord quite quickly. Not a time to discuss it."

It isn't. If there aren't any problems then many people think it's good to wait, at least until the cord stops pulsing before cutting it. I don't know whether it's actually beneficial, but it certainly isn't in any way necessary to cut it quickly.

BrianButterfield · 02/02/2013 07:55

DH wasn't allowed to do DS's for some reason (she did say but I was so not paying attention!) and we both felt "oh! Well, never mind," about it. You're allowed to feel a bit miffed that everything didn't go to plan but then you should try to get over it. The whole birth experience fades OK into a haze anyway IMO.

GailTheGoldfish · 02/02/2013 08:02

The staff on labour wards are so busy and an attending doctor most likely had time to glance at your notes, do what needed to be done and then get to the woman in the next room, then the next.... There will be lots of other special firsts he can have with your baby.

scottishmummy · 02/02/2013 08:05

he was offerered but dithered and declined.in notes as dad didn't want to cut cord
go eat some quinoa,muse about the wonders of birth and hopefully his disappointment subside
if dr delivered was there some concerns if not a mw delivery?don't dwell move on

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 02/02/2013 08:17

Really no need for the brain damaged baby comment. That's just plain nasty.

OP, it's a shame he didn't get to do it but he'd said no, then he wasn't sure so it's hardly surprising the doc forgot and did it himself. Just try to forgot about it and both of you enjoy your gorgeous new baby.

EmmaBemma · 02/02/2013 08:23

I watched a very enlightening programme on TV a few months ago called "Four Born Every Second". It was about the very high rates of maternal and infant mortality in childbirth in places like Sierra Leone and Cambodia. One mother's uterus ruptured in childbirth, several hours drive away from the hospital. By the time she made it there, the baby had died long before and shortly afterwards she died too. Sadly, this wa an all too common occurrence.

It certainly put the demands we make upon our own healthcare professionals in this country in perspective. We take our right to give birth in a clean, safe environment for granted and now birth has to be an "experience" too, and everything has to be perfect.

5madthings · 02/02/2013 08:24

Oh dear some harsh replies.

Its one of those things op and wont matter in years to come.

Also re comments on cutting/delayed clamping it is beneficial to wait for the cord to stop pulsating before clamping and cutting. The baby gets all.its blood volume and white bloid cells. In those transition moments after birth its a lifeline it provides the baby with oxygen.

They have special resus tables and equipment they can use (in some hospitals) so that they can leave the cord unclamped if a baby needs help ie resus. In this situarion the oxygen the baby gets via cord is massively importsnt and there is lots if research now to show that in premature babies it gives them a chance at a better long term.outcome if they dont clamp the cord immediately.

Anyway congrats on your new baby op xx

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 02/02/2013 08:44

I'm putting it bluntly. YABVU

I WISH I had actually HAD a partner that even bothered to turn up. Let alone cut her cord.
My baby was a little early and delivery got complicated. They wanted her out and to be checked so I didn't give a flying flip about a cord. I wanted my baby to be okay!

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MammaTJ · 02/02/2013 09:19

I had an EMCS to get my DD out. She was then very poorly, we nearly lost her.

When DS was born it was EMCS under GA, we nearly lost both of us.

Be glad that your DP not cutting the cord is all you have to worry about, it was the furthest thing from our minds.

YABVVU

PessaryPam · 02/02/2013 09:37

I can't believe that so many here are actually encouraging this lunacy.

TaggieCampbellBlack · 02/02/2013 09:48

Congratulations.

What sort of birthwas it? Your mention of a doctor doing the deliverig makes e suspect it wasn't normal and straihtforward. So in cases like that the doc usually cuts cord and baby gets handed to a paediatrician for checking. (the benefits of leaving the cord intact haven't reached most doctors yet).

I highly recommend an afternoon nap every day.

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