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AIBU?

To leave my 4 month old ds to cry?

97 replies

YorkshireDeb · 01/02/2013 13:12

Night times are pretty hard work at the moment. My ds tends to wake up 5-6 times a night. He usually just needs a cuddle & his dummy to settle back down, sometimes he takes a teeny amount of milk (1-2 oz). I can deal with the lack of sleep at the moment but will be back at work in about 6 weeks & don't know how I'll cope if he's still doing it then. So - is now the time to start letting him cry it out? Or using the pick up put down method? My heart tells me it's so wrong to sit there listening to him cry & do nothing. But my head tells me if I don't tackle it soon he'll turn into a little sod who cries if he doesn't get his own way. X

OP posts:
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Bottleoffish · 01/02/2013 22:18

Karoleann you didn't try not letting your DC cry at all, you said you let them cry from around the same age as the OP's baby, 4 months old. That's not really trying is it, when only half of all babies sleep through for 8 hours some nights by 5 months old?

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Tryharder · 01/02/2013 22:19

How do people sit in their houses and listen to their young babies scream for hours on end?

I hate threads like this as well.

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5madthings · 01/02/2013 22:30

Could you take a side off his cot and put it next yo your bed and then you can pop his dummy back in without getting up?

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Zappo · 01/02/2013 22:30
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Karoleann · 01/02/2013 22:31

I obviously do occasionally have child in bed ith me having had three but link here, but not little babies, it's far too easy for one of you to roll on them or overheat.

www.bmj.com/content/339/bmj.b3666

This is why the nhs advice not to co- sleep is partially based on.

There is also a long interview with a the SIDs guy from st Thomas' on mumsnet which has lots of links to studies to back him up.

Iggly - why would I post if I didn't have to normal children, if I had psychologically scarred them for ever I would shut up.

That s one reason I use my name on mumsnet, I woudn't say anything on line that I wouldn't say in real life. Babies need to learn to self settle.

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5madthings · 01/02/2013 22:32

Leaving them to cry doesn't teach them to self settle, its something they learn over time and at 4mths old the op's baby is tiny and cc is not recommended for babies of this age.

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5madthings · 01/02/2013 22:34
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Zappo · 01/02/2013 22:35

Actually midwives are usually supportive of co-sleeping though normally for breastfeeding mothers.

I agree you need to read the guidelines though ( no falling asleep on sofa, covering them with duvets, taking alcohol, drugs etc)

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Karoleann · 01/02/2013 22:36

For the list of references from dr sears, only one of the papers has been written in the past 10 years, this one

www.prematuros.cl/muertesubita/muertesubita11.pdf

A significant amount of the deaths were babies in parents bed.

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Karoleann · 01/02/2013 22:38

Smad - it does teach them to self settle, i've done it.

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Karoleann · 01/02/2013 22:39

Smad - the article you linked doesn't recommend co- sleeping.

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elizaregina · 01/02/2013 22:39

Yorkshire

With dd no 2 i got a co sleeping cot.

I have been fairing really well in the sleep stakes - baby is also just four months.

a co sleeping cot is the BEST thing I have spent money on and first dd is 5 .

She has alsways been right next to me but in her own space - i dont wake myself up too much seeing to her at night = nor wake her up to much. her face nad mine are so close but there no fear of smothering her or anything so i can really relax at night.

it could be coicidenhtal but she is a really really good sleeper she has fallen into our pattern and sleeps well and when wants feeding as she is right next to me - she doesnt wake her self up crying to get my attention - she just stirs a bit and i hear her and am right there.

there are loads on ebay - larger better.

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Zappo · 01/02/2013 22:40

Just had a quick look but it many of the deaths were to those mothers who smoked or used a duvet- two co-sleeping no nos

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elizaregina · 01/02/2013 22:42
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5madthings · 01/02/2013 22:43

It explains when you shouldn't co-slerp is if you smoke etc and tells you how to do it safely. It doesn't not recommend co-slerping but points out when it would be dangerous to co-sleep and tells you how to do it safely.

Many local health authorities give out advice on safe co-sleeping.

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bringmeroses · 01/02/2013 22:44

Please don't leave your DS to cry it out at 4 months. Listen to your heart.

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ClippedPhoenix · 01/02/2013 22:45

Letting a baby cry is very wrong and this controlled crying shit is terrible. You do what you have to do, it's that simple.

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Bottleoffish · 01/02/2013 22:48

Karoleann the article you have linked to discusses risk factors when cosleeping, such as sofa sharing or cosleeping where one or both parents have taken alcohol or drugs. Confused

It's well known that in order to cosleep safely these things should be avoided.

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elizaregina · 01/02/2013 22:51

But if you want the best of both worlds op - simply get a side car cot!

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SirBoobAlot · 01/02/2013 22:51

Recent studies have suggested that co-sleeping is actually the safest thing to do, and reduces risks of SIDS, as long as it is done safely. IE, common sense. Don't drink heavily, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't tuck them up under a duvet or a pillow.

CIO and CC produce short term results. And they teach a baby that no one is there for them when they need it. Frankly, I'd take less sleep and a better attached child any day.

Your life has to change when you have a baby. Your child should not have to be deprived of the comfort they need simply because you like your sleep.

And it always makes me roll my eyes when people say ''I did this and my children are fine''. As someone who was in a psych unit, and manages a serious mental health condition with deep roots in childhood, it would amaze you how many people end up finding out that their parents left them to cry during the night, and the stress hormones kicked in young, and have never settled down. And all of their parents thought they were just fine too.

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Spice17 · 01/02/2013 22:53

People are being a bit judgy on here, every parent and child is different and depends on the extent of the crying.

My DD, who is almost 4 months, does a really tired, feeble cry literally just before she drops off but because I know her, I realise a) it's OK, she's fine and and not upset and b) she'll be content and asleep soon.

I'm a bit sad that the people who shout on here about 'don''t feel judged for ff' or whatever, will (unintentionally or otherwise) make others feel bad for doing whatever they think is best for their child.

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5madthings · 01/02/2013 22:56

My dp works with children ineof whom was left to cry if out, at 14yrs old he still doesn't sleep at night and is terrified if being on his own. He has serious attachment issues. Some babies will be fine but you cannot predict which ones. The evidence shows it can affect the development of the brain. They are little for such a short period of time and they will learn to sleep.

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5madthings · 01/02/2013 22:58

spice what you describe is very different from leaving a baby to cry, my ds4 had a grumbky whingey noise he made if I tried to comfort him when he did it he would get cross and upset. He literally did it for a min or two as he was going to sleep. He us now four and still sometimes makes the same noise as he sucks his thumb to go to sleep, its obviously comforting for him.

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TheHouseofMirth · 01/02/2013 22:59

But Spice17 it's not what's best for the child is it? It's what's convenient for he parent.

I am glad people will judge and speak out against parents who promote a practice which is proven to cause long-lasting damage to children.

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