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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would this annoy you?

67 replies

StormInaCup · 31/01/2013 04:43

I organised a cinema and dinner trip with 3 friends, all of them agreed. As I organised it I said we are eating here and watching this - all agreed.

I picked everyone up, and then one of my friends say actually we aren't eating there now and we're seeing a different film and then she wondered why I was annoyed. And made the remark - well if you're gonna be like that then we'll go eat there then.

I'm not a controlling person who dictates what me and my friends do, but I organised the night out and if she had a problem with it or wanted to do something different then she should have said it earlier instead of changing the plans on the day.

OP posts:
lljkk · 31/01/2013 14:17

What Sparky said.

Pandemoniaa · 31/01/2013 14:20

It is rather odd to plan a night out with friends and not let them have any input into the arrangements. I'd normally expect a discussion to go along the lines of "I've seen that X film is on in Y. Do you fancy seeing it and having a bite to eat at Z afterwards?".

If everyone had agreed to see a particular film and eat somewhere afterwards then yes, I'd be surprised to discover we were doing something completely different. But do you think the decisions that you made on their behalf might have instigated a bit of a rebellion?

HecateWhoopass · 31/01/2013 16:52

I think they were telling you that while they want your company, they don't want to be told where they're eating and what they're seeing.

In future, why not say let's get together, X, Y and Z films are on, I quite fancy seeing Y, what does everyone else fancy? and what about A place or B place for food.

You see telling them we ARE going out and we WILL see X and we WILL eat at A as organising, but I bet they see it as controlling.

Original poster
StormInaCup · 31/01/2013 19:57

I knew the controlling comment would come up (it usually the same people that say it, surprised the same pack of people hasn't called me aggressive or said my friends have anxiety issues)

It's not controlling, I organised a plan (which I rarely do anyway) and told them the plan if they had wanted to change it they could easily have said - sounds good, would you maybe prefer to x instead though?

But when you all agree then suddenly decide you would rather do something else then speak up before we are actually travelling there.

If you don't want to see the film or eat at that restaurant then be an adult and say? Hmm

Instead I should just say I have no idea about times or films but lets just see if there happens to be a film we all like and will be showing at the right time and won't be sold out and then we can just hope that theres a table free and we get to finish the meal before the film actually starts. It was Orange Wednesday so definitely wouldn't be busy or anything ....

OP posts:
timidviper · 31/01/2013 20:00

Was it just the one friend who wanted to change it or more than one?

If just one then she is being a pain, if more than that then maybe they are rebelling against being organised.

Pandemoniaa · 31/01/2013 20:01

OK then. YANBU. We are.
The End.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 31/01/2013 20:08

It depends how the invitation went.

"Let's go to the cinema."
"Yes, we'd love to."
"OK, we're going to eat at x first and watch y" = YABU

"I really fancy going to see y, and thought it would be nice to have a meal out at x first. What do you all think?"
"OK, we're up for that" (and then change minds) = YANBU

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 31/01/2013 20:08

Hmm. Should read thread properly. That's what Hecate said.

Mind you, she is always right.

digerd · 31/01/2013 20:14

People should be asked if they like the idea and not told this is what we are doing. Or at least " what do you think about doing this?" Or " Would you like etc". But the others should have said they didn't want that at the time, and not left it until the arranged day.

Granitetopping · 31/01/2013 20:26

This situation with your inconsiderate friends would annoy the hell out of me!! How bloody rude! You organised the film and food - your friends agreed and then on the day changed their minds. They couldn't text you, give you a call?

Sounds to me like they made a plan behind your back and then just expected you to go along with it!

Cheek!

HumphreyCobbler · 31/01/2013 20:37

You asked them to go and see a specific film and then eat at a specific restaurant. This is entirely reasonable behavior and only on Mumsnet could this be seen as controlling. They could have said no FFS.

I have been invited out with my friend to see Argo next week. I won't be turning up and saying I would rather see the Hobbit.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 31/01/2013 20:40

They could have said no when you asked, on the night is just plain rude.

AmberLeaf · 31/01/2013 21:02

They agreed to your suggestions as you were so overbearing that felt they could say no, then they spoke together and decided they would just tell you what they wanted to do.

AmberLeaf · 31/01/2013 21:03

could =*couldnt

ceeveebee · 31/01/2013 21:06

It sounds like a very odd way to organise a night out. I am always organising my friends into doing things, but I would say "does anyone want to come and see x film? Shall we eat at y place?" Give people a choice. They're probably rebelling against you!

WhichIsBest · 31/01/2013 21:06

What did you see? Your film or hers?

HumphreyCobbler · 31/01/2013 21:08

why overbearing?

If I wake up and decide I want to see Gone with the Wind, phone my friends and ask them to come with me, how on earth is that overbearing?

skullcandy · 31/01/2013 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeistyLass · 31/01/2013 21:16

YANBU - I'd be annoyed especially if I'd booked the restaurant. Plus, as quite a few other people have said, there are certain films I'd want to see and others I wouldn't so I would be unhappy they changed it after agreeing to it. It sounds like one of your friends isn't really that nice.

HecateWhoopass · 31/01/2013 21:37

I didn't say it was controlling from your pov. I am sure you don't see it that way.

I said I bet they see it as controlling.

And I stand by that. I bet they do.

I certainly would.

And I would do what they have done. Said actually, we'd prefer to do this...

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 31/01/2013 21:41

Rude!
Them not you.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 31/01/2013 22:25

Hecate, I don't normally disagree with you, so this is a bit weird.

I have a friend who is definitely controlling. She will say let's go see x film, eat at y first. But I'm an adult, so If I don't want to see x film, I decline and don't go.

I would not agree to go to see x film, and then wait until we have been picked up, get others to gang up and see a different film / eat somewhere different. That is rude.

It's different if the invitation is to go to the movies to see an unspecified film. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

HecateWhoopass · 31/01/2013 22:53

Grin i am no doubt projecting wildly.

I just know what I'd think if someone said we're going out and - what was it? "we are eating here and watching this."

I'd think whoa, buster. Hold up. Is that an invitation or a command Grin but I'd probably nod politely Grin and say ok, thinking I was going along with what everyone wanted to do.

So it isn't impossible to me that her friends could see it as controlling and individually not had the guts to say no, or each thought everyone else had ageed to it and so said yes but then all got together and said were you ok with that? no, not really, I wish she'd asked what I wanted. Me too, I would have liked to have seen X not Y, yeah, I wasn't bothered about Y but I don't really like A food, me neither, but it was like - this is what we're doing... well, what would you like to see? why don't we say that? we can go to eat at that other place instead...

Of course, they could all be like my mum, who can't make any sort of decision whatsoever, not even choose what type of biscuit to have and dithers for so long that I am seriously considering leaping across the table and beating her to death with the biscuit barrel Grin

I think it was the 'we ARE eating here and we ARE watching this' and that they agreed to it, that made me think less agreed between all of them and more decided for them. iyswim.

Yes, it was rude of them to spring it on her, they should have just said at the time that they'd like to all decide together, but I do think from what was described, that it is possible that they saw it as dictatorial.

But, I may very well be totally wrong. It's just an interpretation of a few sentences.

from which I seem to have developed some sort of screen play Grin

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 31/01/2013 23:11

Grin hecate, you are funny.

So if someone said do you fancy going out on Friday to see Psycho, and you would rather see Love Actually, would you agree?

Maybe this is me being precious with my rare nights out.

And before anyone says anything, I know these films are old, but it's a measure of how I don't get out much.

I do agree though that OP might well be controlling and her friends don't feel they can refuse or suggest changes. It's just that I personally am strong enough to say no.

TigerLily89 · 01/02/2013 01:43

People should be asked if they like the idea and not told this is what we are doing

I don't think the OP is friends with robots. Surely if they are invited somewhere and don't want to go they can say no? Hmm I don't think the OP has pointed a gun at their heads and demanded they do anything.

I don't think it's odd to say - "Hey, would anyone like to go and see The Hobbit on Wednesday? Thought we could eat at Nandos before too?"

Surely the friends could say - "I'm definitely up for seeing that film, but would you prefer to eat at Pizza Express instead?"

Only on MN could the above situation be described as controlling and having friends rebel.

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