to be raging witb my mil...

[uptherear]

Just need to vent really but it would help to hear that others would also feel pissed off and Im not just being a stroppy cow

My in laws practically raise my bil's kids. They provide free childcare on tap and bend over backwards to help him and his family who live 5 mins from them.

We live 200 miles away and tbh when we lived near thrm it was no diff. Plus they just about packed for us... Thought it was a great move etc.

Everynow and then it gets me down that they offer us none of said support the others get.

I just texred to say we have a been ill. Oldest been off school a fortnight and with DH working away I am completely down in the dumps and fed up.

Id live to have family nearby just to share tge weihht even for an hour.

Sent long text telling her of all thr sickness etc and asking are they well etc and she sends back 'hope you revcover soon, all fine here'.

Aibu ... Even a little 'wish you were closer so we could help' even if her and I know thats a lie.

[uptherear]

Biglads- that sounds awful but also sadly familiar. I too have had times where we have really been rock bottom and this eben when Ive asked for help been refused it.
Lowering expectations is a good plan.


Im glad to hear you have great friends.
Worth their weight in gold imo.

Dawn- easy to misread on here esp with all my typos as using phone, no worries. Thank you for taking the time to respond again.

[DawnOfTheDee]

Apologies OP - I misread your first post. I'm sorry to hear of what's been happening. To a much lesser extent I have this with my PIL/BIL.

It's pretty sad and totally not what you should have to do but I agree the way to deal with this is by lowering your expectations.

[bigladsdiditandranaway]

Ah, Uptherear, I feel your pain! We have the same situation here, except it's both sets of GPs doing all they can for the other grandchildren.

We live about 2 hours away from our parents, and both have siblings who live within 40 mins of them.

The stuff our parents do for our siblings and their kids would blow your mind! MIL gets on the bus at the crack of dawn every Weds so she can go and get the grandchildren to school, she hangs about SIL and BIL's house all day and then collects the grandkids, then gets bus home. MIL first had my nephew to stay overnight when he was 4 weeks old (SIL needed a break).

When my DS was 4 weeks old, my DH went into hospital for an operation. He was then on bedrest for a number of weeks. No one came to help us, except the night before - in laws came up to drive DH to hospital. They left the day he came out.

My parents do loads for my sister - absolutely tons. They must have the kids over once a week, plus they go there and stay for a week in the summer so my sister and BIL can go away.

When my DH had his 2nd op (in hospital for one week then bedrest for 8 weeks - DS was 18 months old) my parents came over for one night "to help".
They took me to the hospital to visit DH, that was it.

When it came to DH's 3rd op, I said that we were ok for 'help' but maybe they'd like to come over and take me and DS out somewhere, as DH was on bedrest again and we wouldn't really be getting out much. To give them their due, they did come for 2 nights. Did nothing to help, but we had a nice time.

I've lowered my expectations now. I don't expect anyone to help us out, ever! If DH being in hospital so many times over the last 3 years, plus DS being ill (call-the-ambulance style of ill too many times to count) hasn't brought out the desire to help, then I don't think anything will.

We just get on with it now. I'm very lucky, I have some wonderful friends who give me all the support I need.

Expect nothing, and when you get nothing it's not so hard to accept,

[uptherear]

Bupcakes- most days I can find the happiness I need looking at what i DO have rather than feeling pissed off about what I don't have. Today was a bad day.

Im glad you have other members of family/support network to fill the gap. It makes you really appreciate those that do care doesnt it.

[BupcakesAndCunting]

Uptherear, I have simlar problems with my own DAD! Not the treating one sibling more favourable than another because I am my dad's only child but he is pretty indifferent to me, DH and DS.

I have days that I cry about it and get angry. Most of the time I look around at the people that I do have around me, be thankful for how lucky I am to have such a great Mum/MIL/BIL/friends that it helps me not feel so bad.

[uptherear]

Can i just add that this is probably first phonecall in 6 or so months.

[uptherear]

Fuckadoodle- no need to apologise. I really appreciate your contribution. Like i said good to know Im not alone.

However..... holy moly.... Mil is either pyschic or a mnetter as she just rang me!! Fuck a duck. She quite sympathetic and although it doesnt solve the bigger problem it does make me feel a whole lot better that she cares enough to ring.

Maybe there is a God.......

[PureQuintessence]

Protecting, not projecting...

[tethersend]

If it makes you feel better, my MIL lives in France, has never met me or our kids or ever sent a present or card.

By all accounts, she's a massive wanker

Hope you all feel better soon.

[PureQuintessence]

I second what Amaretto is saying.

However, next time they come I would decline any invitation to meet up, just be busy doing other things. If they ask, you can just say that you are simply projecting your daughter from being hurt that they dont want to spend time with her. They have made it quite clear that they are not interested in building a relationship with her, but she is too young to understand and end up hurt and tearful each time they visit. You have therefore decided it is better for her if she does not know they are holidaying in the area. Their loss to be honest.

Focus on seeing your own parents more often so your dd can build up these family bonds instead.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Sorry, didn't mean to gatecrash.

[MrsAmaretto]

Your PIL are shit, and its horrible that your daughter knows. I would get your husband to ask them outright if they intend to do any family stuff with his family when they are on holiday or want to spend sometime with their grandchildren they rarely see. It's not unreasonable to ask as you need to know whether you should carry on as normal or not and you don't want your daughter to get upset again.

I would also stop texting them, there's no point as your children are not benefitting and it's just causing you stress.

[uptherear]

Thanks Catus ... making me all teary now!

[uptherear]

Fuckadoodle- that sounds hellish. Good for you for holding it together at these public events as think I might have publicly exploded by now. That is just so hurtful.
As you said, and I have this on my mind too, how long until the dc start to see the situation for themselves. I hope my dc find a way of dealing with it without it causing them too much hurt/disappointment. Hopefully they won't miss what they have never had.
I was very close to my Gran and perhaps this is why I feel so sad that my dc won't have this chance.

[PureQuintessence]

I really feel for your dd. They do sound vile, to be honest.

[catus]

That's the spirit! Don't give them your headspace!
You sound lovely btw. I truly hope you and DH can move on.

[uptherear]

Sorry forgot to answer about my own family. Fuckadoodle sorry you have no family of your own to offer support.

My parents also live 200 miles away. They help as much as they can. My dad at the drop of a hat will come fix my car etc despite having to drive 4 hours to get here. My mum doesnt keep well but will help out when they are here doing stuff round the house etc. I am lucky to have them.

I am going to try and put them out of my mind. I have a fire to stoke and i need to motivate myself to do some bloody housework. Dh just rang to say he will be home tonight rather than tmrw which made me cry my eyes out, in a pressure off kind of way.

Thank you for the chat, the support and reminding me that others have similar shit to contend with.

[catus]

Sorry, x post about dinner at theirs. Well, just say no then. Not easy at all, I'm sure, but you can't go on like this. It sounds unbearable!

[catus]

Jesus, they sound awful! Poor you, and poor DH!
Don't put yourselves through this, please! Don't invite them, and don't have them to dinner. Suggest dinner at theirs instead if they ask you maybe? At least you can leave when you want. Let the ball in their camp.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I feel your pain OP I really do but you are not going to change these people.

When my PIL's were alive they never made an effort with us........we only saw them if we went over there, they only ever phoned if someone died and frustrating as it was we just accepted it. I know one year DH got arsy on his birthday and when his mum did actually phone to say happy birthday she said for him to come and get his present. He refused and told her if she wanted him to have it she would have to come over to us. We both watched out the window as she drove up and down the road trying to figure out which house was ours.....we had lived there ten years at the time.

They didn't love us any less, it was just the way they were. Very frustrating but I gave up getting annoyed as there was zilch I could do about it.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Just saw your last post. That's really sad for your dd! She must have felt so left out!

My inlaws turn up at the local children events with the other gc. My children are there too so they see them at the same time but don't come to see them or come with them iyswim. We don't even know if they are going to be there, depends what other gc want to do. Im wondering how long til my dc notice.

[RubyrooUK]

Dinner at 5? FIL likes to be in control?

Oh dear, maybe this is more about them than your BIL/SIL. I'm not sure I'd WANT them to be more involved in our lives if they're like that. Perhaps BIL/SIL put up with all kinds of shit for the free childcare that you couldn't. (And I couldn't.)

[uptherear]

Catus- no dinner at their holiday cottage. They prefer us to go to them as fil likes to be in control. Dinner at 5.

[RubyrooUK]

Sorry you've had such a crappy time Uptherear. :-(

I guess you have three options:

1. Tell them explicitly that you would love them to come and visit by themselves to spend time with you, DH and the grandkids. Put aside the past and why things have been a certain way and take steps to change it for the future.
   

1. Detach from the situation and don't let it bother you. Accept that they think BIL/SIL need more help than you do, even if you disagree.
   

1. Rage about it some more. :-)
   

I've decided to do point one from now on. If it doesn't work out, then I will move to point two, knowing I've done my best. I won't do point three anymore as the only person who gets upset is me.

Of course, there are still moments of rage occasionally. There are times I feel irritated that my inlaws fund BIL/SIL so she can stay at home rather than work, while it was without question that I would return to work (as we wouldn't choose to have a lifestyle we couldn't afford). Sometimes in my darker moments I think: "Why should she get to have that life they can't afford and we don't?" But then I remember that I am very proud of how I look after my own family and I can only live my life, not theirs.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

As this current situation shows, when my dc have been ill for nearly two weeks there are no gps waiting in the wings to help out.



I have no family of my own to help so i think that makes it sting that bit more. Is that the same for you?

Is your dh close to them? My inlaws all go on holiday together and things as well without even mentioning it to us. The look on my dhs face the first time . . .