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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU .. Smoking & Children...

92 replies

HungryHippo89 · 09/01/2013 09:47

I smoke... I have a DSS (8) around for 2 days a week ... DSS Mother has asked me to no longer smoke infront of DSS because i'm glamourising smoking and it isn't good for his health ... I think she is over-reacting since i have been smoking infront of him for the last 4 years ...

I smoke around or less than 5 a day ...
I Don't smoke in the home - I go outside and shut the door
I Don't smoke in the car
I Don't smoke withing a few meters of him-
I have explained to him how harmful smoking can be and that i should really stop ...

AIBU to think she is over-reacting to cause a problem? And that it is an unreasonable request to ask me to stop smoking infront of him 100%? After all he can walk through the high street and see loads of people smoking? My OH won't give me any advice on the subject as he isn't amazingly bothered about him seeing me smoking just as long as it's not in a confined space and he isn't having to breath it in ...

AIBU to think she is over reacting?

OP posts:

OrangeClub · 09/01/2013 11:30

How on earth does smoking outside in the wind, cold and rain make it a glamorous thing to do? She's telling you not to smoke when your DSS comes over, what next? This would annoy me massively and I say this as a mother of an eight year old boy who goes to his dad's overnight each weekend. I would not dream of telling my ex husbands partner what to do in her own garden.

Do we really think that kids not seeing things stops them from having addictions when they get older? My parents were teetotal. Never drank around me or my brothers. Both of my brothers are/were alcoholics (one died last year as a result).

BunFagFreddie · 09/01/2013 11:31

It's funny how times change. My DM told me that she remembers talking to the health visitor whilst breastfeeding me. She had a fag in her hand and was drinking a cup of coffee. That was in the 1970's, back in the days when smoking and drink driving were cool.

Original poster

HungryHippo89 · 09/01/2013 11:31

I could always give up you are right - but I will give up when I want to give up not when i'm being dictated asked to. What's the point in giving up something when you are not ready to give up? Because surely it's easier to start again because you aren't in the correct mindset that you don't want to do it anymore .. you are giving up because somebody else is telling you that you have to give up ...

OP posts:

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 09/01/2013 11:33

"Do we really think that kids not seeing things stops them from having addictions when they get older? My parents were teetotal. Never drank around me or my brothers. Both of my brothers are/were alcoholics (one died last year as a result)"

sure there's always exceptions, but seeing any bad lifestyle choice does go a way to normalising it and does increase your liklihood of trying it

I've only ever tried vices that I have first witnessed someone else doing!

manicbmc · 09/01/2013 11:35

A bit precious, especially if she's only just trying to impose this on you. Does she do a lot of that kind of thing?

How does she protect the poor lad from all the traffic fumes? Does he have to wear a mask when near cars?

You continue with your 5 a day, OP.

spidermanspiderman · 09/01/2013 11:36

Ok so because her son is 8 it's ok to poison him. Seriously, read the facts.

LadyBeagleEyes · 09/01/2013 11:36

Quite Hippo, I've given up in the past, 18 months was the longest but it was my decision and on my terms.
I will do it again when I feel ready but the one thing that makes me want to light up is being told what to do.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 09/01/2013 11:38

Told or advised?

Smoking is shit.

OrangeClub · 09/01/2013 11:39

The point is, as with any addiction, you can't give up because someone else says that you have to. The OP is not smoking in the house. She is smoking five fags a day in her own garden, which she is legally entitled to do.

The lady who lives with my ex smokes. As far as I know she does it in the garden. My son mentions it now and again but he says that she does it outside. I really can't see the problem to be honest.

mrsjay · 09/01/2013 11:40

Ok so because her son is 8 it's ok to poison him. Seriously, read the facts.

she has 10 cigarettes over a weekend he is there Id imagine he will not be poisoned there is so many other things harmful to a child she is outside fgs where things like cars are and pollution is in the air unless he is in a bubble then he is being poisoned every day ,

Original poster

HungryHippo89 · 09/01/2013 11:43

manicbmc - We get a bit of it - this is probably the worst though, we get a lot of "you can't do that because mummy will tell you off" and she likes to control our time with DSS like what we are doing/where we are going and if she knows about something ahead of time that she doesn't like the sound of she will make up something so that DSS can't go. A while ago we were going to a wedding and she said the it was a family members party that same night and DSS really wanted to go to the party not the wedding - the next day we picked DSS up and he cried because he thought he had missed out on this family members party because she made up a total lie. She also came round wailing when DSS was scratched by the cat ... DSS was scratched by the cat for trying to pin him down on his knee after being warned multiple times this would happen if he did that kind of thing.

However I think I will still be enjoying my 5 a day - But with lots of handwashing and will brush my teeth after ...

OP posts:

spidermanspiderman · 09/01/2013 11:46

Actually, what the op has been asked to do is not smoke in front of dss, not to stop. The op is whining about not being able to smoke on days out. She could however still smoke on days out if she wanted but not in front of dss (which would be possible) and then wash hands and avoid physical contact with dss for 20 minutes afterwards (again completely achievable with an 8 year old).

BunFagFreddie · 09/01/2013 11:46

I think people are getting hysterical about this 3rd hand smoke. Seriously, people might not smell nice after they've had a fag, but they are hardly poisonous. We have so much pollution, nasty chemicals in cleaning products and in our food, yet people worry that someone who smokes might be poisonous to the child?

CatsRule · 09/01/2013 11:49

I'm afraid I agree with DSS's mother!

The toxins will still be on you...your hair, clothes, breath and as an asthma sufferer smelling this from people alone triggers it. You maybe can't imagine what my lungs feel like when someone smokes too near me but it's awful...not worth the 5 cigarettes!

You say you don't smoke within a few meters from him...does your smoke know not to go near him? Glamourising or not there are health issues there.

Also, if you only smoke 5 a day, why do you smoke? Genuine question there. Why not give up and spend the money on treating yourself in a less harmful way?

Someone mentioned the ecigarettes, The World Health Organisation are warning that these aren't as 'healthy' as they are made out to be. They also haven't been around long enough for extensive tests to be done on the smoker or the passive smoker.

I wouldn't allow a smoker to smoke near...few meters or not...to my son. Obviously I cannot control this on a public street but I certainly can in my home and he just wouldn't be in theirs. Passive smoking is not good for people...they don't have the choice though, a smoker chooses to smoke. I also have the added worry for my son incase he develops asthma, which I know smoking won't necessarily cause but it won't help either!

BunFagFreddie · 09/01/2013 11:49

Scratched by the cat, ffs. I feel sorry for you Hippo. She sounds like she just wants to stir up trouble with you because you're with her X.

spidermanspiderman · 09/01/2013 11:49

Whoever said 'I would imagine he would not be poisoned' is blatantly incapable of reading the scientific facts. Is the world still flat in your world?

manicbmc · 09/01/2013 11:49

It's a control thing then and best ignored. You're not smoking around your dss. You aren't making him think it's a wonderful thing to do. And it's not like you're a chain smoker.

I'd love to see how any research can prove or disprove that particles on clothing will give a child a chest infection/asthma/cancer. There is no way you could ethically conduct a survey of that nature and control all the other factors and pollution.

FeckOffCup · 09/01/2013 11:51

Ok so because her son is 8 it's ok to poison him

Hysterical much? She smokes outside, not in an enclosed space with the child .

olgaga · 09/01/2013 11:51

You have three very good reasons to give up smoking. The negative impression on your SS, relations with his DM, and for the sake of your own health.

Frankly if you are really smoking just 5 a day it shouldn't be that hard. If you really aren't prepared to contemplate giving up for the above very good reasons, wearing a nicotine patch for two days a week is not a lot to ask.

I smoked for 3 decades, gave up two years ago. Believe me, it doesn't get easier to give up, it just gets harder and harder. So do it now.

Whether or not your SS sees you smoking at home, he'll smell it when you walk back in the house, on your clothes, your breath, hands and hair. And boy does it stink. As an ex-smoker I'm amazed how strong and acrid the smell is, even if you just walk past a smoker, or one walks in the room.

If you're smoking in front of him on days out, whether in the open air or not, I would be very unhappy about it if I was his mum.

So what if she hasn't complained about it until now? Maybe your SS has begun to notice it, and told her he doesn't like the way you smell. It was around that age that my DD started to fuss about the smell and get irritated about me disappearing!

You also need to bear in mind that he is at an age where they will be discussing smoking at school, in an extremely negative way.

WorraLiberty · 09/01/2013 11:56

She's being a control freak.

What next? Can you stop eating McDonalds in front of him? Can you make sure you hide any bottles of alcohol in the house including the empty bottles?

You gained too much weight over Christmas but you look good...so can you go on a diet please and stop glamourising being overweight?

Silly woman.

KellyElly · 09/01/2013 12:00

*mmmm do you though? up until very recently yes, but now smoking is not socially acceptable at all, I can't remember the last time I was at a bus stop with anyone standing there smoking. The only places I now ever see smokers is outside the hospital and SOMETIMES in the outside areas of bars (but even there its become rare), and no longer okay at outside tables of cafes where people are eating

Its no longer okay to walk down a street passing people by while smoking

10 years ago, yes it was a very normal sight, but not now* I take it you don't live in London. I see people smoking every day.

Dahlen · 09/01/2013 12:02

I don't smoke. I don't like smoking. It stinks. I think this is a totally hysterical over-reaction.

The OP is smoking outside. And I read other posters on here claim that the so-called 'third hand smoke' hypothesis has been totally debunked. Apparently it was based on people's perceptions of how dangerous they thought smoking was, not on any scientific research.

Which isn't to say that smoking is perfectly ok, because we all know it isn't, but there are no passive smoking risks associated with the set up described by the OP.

As for the glamorising of smoking, unless the DSS follows her outside, I shouldn't think he sees the OP smoke apart from on very rare occasions. And skulking outside for one, shunned to the garden, is hardly glamorising it.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 09/01/2013 12:06

I think she had the right to ask you not to do certain things around her son.

I wouldn't want anyone smoking around my DD. I don't think its precious, i think it's sensible.

And anyone who says kids aren't stupid blah blah blah. I started smoking when i was 12 because my mum did. I never actually saw her smoke until i was 16, but i could smell the smoke on her and i found the cigarettes in her coat. If she hadn't smoked, i doubt i would have started if she hadn't smoked as none of my friends did.

manicbmc · 09/01/2013 12:09

It's the OP's partner's son too though. Does he get no say in this?

thecook · 09/01/2013 12:11

YANBU The mother is. Does she cover his eyes when they walk down a street together so he doesn't see anybody smoking? Good god, pity that is all she has to worry about.

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