to stop giving the family youngsters automatic presents when they reach 18?

[cozietoesie]

I've always given all the family youngsters automatic presents at birthday and Xmas - Amazon vouchers or cash to spend. Now they're getting to their 18th and beyond. I've been giving them a lump of dosh each for their 18th (not a whole lot, maybe, but as much as I could afford) and then regarding them as adults who get a present if appropriate. I've told the parents and they're pretty well fine with that approach.

Just that I noticed that the 'first round' of 18+ youngsters seemed pretty pissed off to get Xmas presents and not cash or vouchers this year. I can understand that they might have assumed that they would get something from me in cash/vouchers to buy their Call of Duty Purple Ops 87 or whatever but I felt quite low when the Xmas paper was ripped off their (carefully chosen) presents and they were flung aside.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't see it right that I should be just handing out cash for ever and a day but maybe I'm being too tough. I'd welcome views.

[bigbluebus]

Rule Britannia I'm in the same situation as you, 1st round of nieces/nephews just gone off to Uni but have younger siblings. They were all home for Xmas, so would be there when we went to visit with gifts - seemed a bit mean not to buy them anything - and they are not really earning, so I got them a gift each. Also with birthdays, my DBs children all have their birthdays within a 2 week stretch, and in the summer holidays, so hard to miss eldest one out. On DBIL side, eldest niece also has summer birthday and home from Uni when we are usually over there visiting PILs for a holiday, so again, we see her and it seems a bit mean not to bother.
I am hoping that once they have all gone through Uni and got jobs (some of the will probably be earning more than we are!) and have officially left home, I will stop then.

[valiumredhead]

So you suddenly gave presents instead of vouchers? I can understand stopping giving gifts altogether but why swap to presents? Sorry if I am being thick.

[3smellysocks]

cash gift at 18, 21, 30 and 40 maybe?

[bubbles1231]

We stop presents/vouchers/cash for nieces/nephews at 21.

[Happymum22]

In our family big presents/cash stop at 18 and until 21 they seem to get smaller things like a bath set. Then that is it, I think by that age you either have a close relationship with that 21 year old or you don't and presents shouldn't be expected.

They do sound very rude, I find it hard to understand howby that age they haven't learnt the manners and general understanding of how much time/effort/kindness you put into selecting and buying them something. How can they ever think it is ok not to open something, say "wow these are lovely I can't wait to use them" or similar phrase (whatever they think of it) and thank you immediately. How have their parents allowed them to grow up with such hideous manners? If my DC did that and they range from 15-24,, whichever one of them it was I would be calling them out of the room, having strong words and returning them to apologise and thank you.

I'd stop next year.

[meboo]

In our family the person turning 18 gets £ on their birthday and then nothing for xmas from then on.

[shotofexpresso]

Personally I wouldn't its a bit mean,
but each to their own.

[starfishmummy]

Littlelady - my aunt and uncle were like that; they carried on getting my brother birthday presents well into his twenties but seemed to forget that i had a birthday! He'd get a generous amount of cash at xmas and i would get a pair socks or similar! They did once ask my mum when my 21st was and she told them they had missed it by a few years!

[Scholes34]

I now tend to send cash/voucher to friends' children. Haven't yet reached 16 or 18 with them, as mine are the oldest children. We'll see what happens. Have switched to buying a family game/book/or something else for the family to share at Christmas instead of individual presents.

I still get a bottle of wine every Christmas from my great aunt and uncle - they're in their 80s and I'm nearly 50.

[KellyElly]

Are the presents cheaper than the cash/vouchers you gave them? If it's around the same price just give them the vouchers/cash or even a £10 voucher or whatever. Or give them nothing ungrateful buggers

[zlist]

I think it is kindest to stop at 18 as after that age they may start to feel the need to reciprocate when they really can't afford it. I was put in that position when I was 18+ by a few people and I really wish people had stopped, especially as I lived quite a long way from them and had to pay for postage too/or lug presents about on the train.
I've only been on the other side once so far - I used to give my friend's son £20 every birthday/Christmas and when I reached 18 I gave him £50 but made it clear that it was the last gift as he was an adult now.

[zlist]

he reached 18!

[nickelbabe]

yup, that's what happens in my family too.
we're about to have to do it for eldest niece on DH's side- we will be telling the mum so she knows what not to expect.

[littlewhitebag]

My youngest DD (age 15) has missed out big style with presents as she is the youngest child on my DH side. When we stopped giving the older ones presents (6 kids in 2 families, now age 18-26) the other two families stopped also so she has had no presents from them for a number of years now. She doesn't really bother about it though. We make sure she gets plenty.

[RuleBritannia]

happynewmind Gifts until they have a baby? Good idea but that means perhaps at least another 5 years of presents for my nephew and then what happens when there's a second baby? Divide the money between the two?

I think I'll get something for his 19th and tell the family that 19 is the cut off point. Future babies will receve something though but won't tell him that because it would encourage sowing of oats.

[MovingOnNow]

Tricky! I have 9 nieces and nephews and we have always sent money or a gift when they were younger. We used to do £20 each before we had kids of our own and then only one of us was working but then we downgraded it to a tenner, because we were more hard up! Now we don't really bother, we just buy wine and chocs for the family so my siblings and their family. But I am now gaining great nieces and nephews, even though I have a five year old myself! So we do buy a pressie for them. TBH some of the nieces/nephews I am close to and some I am not. Some of them have never sent us a card, present for us or our kids or even acknowledged our kids births. Not their fault, more where they have been distant due to family breakdown, ie my brothers splitting with their mums. So I think we have been reasonably generous and tbh if I won the lottery tomorrow we would do it for absolutely everyone and not care if they reciprocated or not. With the ones who are having their own kids though, I have said not to buy for our kids because they are generally young, in their 20s whereas we are in our 40s and our kids do alright so we are happy to buy for theirs but don't want them to spend money they cant afford back or if they do just a selection box or something. If we all just gave to not receive, none of this would be an issue!