to be angry with friend when it doesn't really affect me

[landsahoy]

My friend is a nurse who works for the NHS, and in the past five years she has been off work over 3 years of that (this includes a year of maternity leave). She has massive chunks off work up to a year but as soon as sick pay runs out she gets miraculously better. Her problems range from intense migraines, rectal and vaginal bleeding to severe back pain and even laryngitis for four weeks. I do think she does suffer from some of these problems but not to the point where she needs to be off work for this length of time anyway. The problems seem to spontaneously clear up after a few months without any real answers to the cause. When we meet up a few times a week when she is off sick I rarely see any signs of problems apart from the odd limp. The time she had the severe migraines which allegedly rendered her debilitated, yet she could still manage to drive a 300 mile round trip every weekend to see relatives.

It is made worse by the fact the GP are willing to give her sick notes. She was given a three month sick note in November so she did not have to stress about work over xmas. Her workplace are being so accommodating it is nauseating and have meetings with her where they bend over backwards to support her.

She often brags about how well off she is and I have calculated she must have cost the NHS over £150,000 when you consider her sick pay and the need to cover her position when she is off. I think I would be well off if I sat at home and collected full pay.

I am almost at the point where I am not bothered if I never see her again.
AIBU

[landsahoy]

Well, obviously I am being unreasonable. I will carry through on my convictions and stop being a friend. I have been through enough stress of being led to believe she has advanced cancer then weeks later the problem has gone away. I cannot take it anymore, so I will join her other friends in jumping ship as I am the only one left :(

[KittyFane1]

SirBoobAlot In my Aunt's case, she was pulling a fast one. My cousin, her daughter told me. It happens.

[landsahoy]

For the record, I am not a troll and I have namechanged. Maybe I just needed to vent....

No one will suspect who she is as I changed lots of details in the original post

[landsahoy]

I have spent numerous times wondering if her two children are going to lose their mum. It is hard :(

[Feelingood]

YANBU she is costing the NHSa lot of money that's a fact, I think she may have these illnesses or she would be able to get some of what you've mentioned diagnosed BUT it does sound like she milks it. What tipped my over was the childhood thing.

I had a friend like this once, colleagues had to cover for her, no one liked her becaus elf this so when she did return to work no one wanted to work with her or support and their were complaints made. I knew she was lets say doing extra stuff outside work hours. She did had some nasty infections etc but she didn't help herself in many ways. They bent over backwards to help her and she still was not able to maintain a decent level of attendance. She was a teacher who eventually lost her job.

Though I do recognise there are some illnesses that are made worse by not beig out and about active at ones own pace, for example going shopping or for a coffee when suffering depressions entirely different to go in a face a stressful job at a set time and pace.

[Feelingood]

So sorry I meant to say I found it quite conflicting in that I felt some loyalty to her but I increasingly disagreed with her decisions and behaviour. It was very awkward at times. And yes I knew the supply cover cost £160 per day.

Oh and drama when she returned about her room, resources, books management. She was a one off though, complete drama queen. Eventually I distanced myself as she made a pass a friends husband and then started an affair which I just disagreed with completely was a bit of a car crash, she wouldn't listen.

[VictorAndBarry]

If you changed the details I take back my criticism for sharing on a public forum, OP

[landsahoy]

Feeling Good. That is how I feel. What is more worrying is the fact this is carrying over to her boys, as she often rings me with stories of how ill they are and when I see them they look fine to me.

I am not suggesting Munchhausen's by Proxy here, it is more lying about them being ill.

[LessMissAbs]

YANBU. High levels of absenteeism in the public sector are a public concern.

I don't think this is Munchausen's by Proxy (at least not a classic example) but I did have to deal with a case of it once. I researched into all of the symptoms and apparantly it is not unknown for sufferers to contaminate blood and urine samples, or to create infections by rubbing dirt, bleach, etc into small cuts.

Other symptoms, such as bad back, migraines, and so on, are very difficult to disprove and possibly other health professionals are reluctant to argue against a nurse.

I too have a friend who has been on long term sick leave in the public sector, due to a bad back, who nevertheless competes in a particularly active sport involving heavy lifting.

The fact her friends are drifting away I think is notable.

[ShellyBoobs]

I don't think this is Munchausen's by Proxy

It can't be.

Unless you're talking about the children's 'illnesses'?

[LessMissAbs]

Should have said simply Munchausen's, ShellyBoobs. Diligently spotted.

[Wishfulmakeupping]

There might be people who take the piss- I'm sure I've been accused of it in the past. I have had 3 long term sick leave period in the past 4 years due to stress- the levels of sick leave in my dept is stupidly high but I do believe that the people were all genuinely ill when signed on long term sick- majority due to stress. It's no coincidence that we are understaffed to start with causing people to gave to work long hours leading to fatigue and stress.
I'm not saying every nhs/public sector person on long term sick really is ill but I would believe the majority really are.

[landsahoy]

I mean the children's illnesses :(. For example, one son was alledgely diagnosed with a condition that could severely affect their development but it was treatable.

Fast forward a month or so - I asked whether DS had been to hospital about problem recently as she had not mentioned it in a while.
She replied... he had been discharged as treatment was not needed at this point

[landsahoy]

I work in a highly stressful industry, not nursing and we have a lot from our dept on long term sick too, but it is with stress and such. I think she is highly stressed, as I believe nursing can be with short staff wards, but there is just so many things that lead me to believe she is not being 100% truthful. She is brilliant at putting on the mascara and bursting into tears as soon as she goes into a meeting or to see GP. And she is very naturally thin and a bit hyper so she can make it look as though she is stressed and up a height.

[DreamingOfTheMaldives]

A friend of mine is a police officer and she has recently distanced herseld from a friend, who is also a colleague, because she couldn't stand to see her friend abuse the system anymore knowing that there had been redundacies and officer numbers reducing due to budget cuts.

Her 'friend' is rarely at work, always off sick because of a knee problem yet is able to go on skiing holidays, horse riding and doing physical work at the stables. She has been offered the chance to go on to restricted duties but refuses; she takes months off sick, whilst partaking in the activities mentioned above but makes miraculous recovery just as full sick pay runs out, but then goes off sick again when she is again eligible for full sick pay.

[DreamingOfTheMaldives]

I should have said no YANBU Op

[knackeredmother]

Yanbu, there is definately a culture of sick leave in the nhs, particularly amongst nurses. I see it with my own eyes every day .

[landsahoy]

I think it is commonplace, but as long as GP's sign the sick notes there is not much you can do about it. She did admit that she picked the locums who were more likely to dish out a note :(

[feellikearubbishmummy]

YANBU

[HollaAtMeBaby]

YANBU. I hope her boss does read this! Skiving cowbag.

[hammyimo]

You can really easily come unstuck with this sort of view. It might seem like this now. But i know I've made assumptions in the past then felt a real cow after they were diagnosed with some terrible illness.

I last worked for the NHS around 10 years ago. At that time we were hauled in to personnel if we had 3 incidents of sick leave in 6 months I think.

I took one day off when a 30 stone patient fell on top of me in a toilet and I injured my back. I then took two days off when I was advised to, following amnioscentesis. Then one day when I turned up at 10 weeks pregnant (having lost my baby a few months before when left to do 12 bed baths on my own) and was told I had to work in the norovirus ward because there was nobody else to do it - I refused and went home. I was called in to explain myself to personnel at that point.

You might think why - bascially you go to see occupational health who say you must not push beds, work in isolation wards or with known infection, or do bed baths on your own - and then you're just left in the position because there is nobody else to do it, there are patients waiting, relatives complaining and the ward manager doesn't give a flying toss to protect you.

I think it's difficult to see the full position if you aren't in it.

[Feelingood]

The friend I described earlier had tummy pains, ended up got herself a referral and the consultant told her it was pyschosamatic, I don't think she understood what that meant as she told me, or that n she thought I was thick.

High sickness is a symptom of a public sect that is inefficient in its use ot people and resources and understaffed over inititatived

My DH moved from public to private in same sector, bloody massive differences, sickness is really looked down upon but they are well paid resourced etc. stress exists but you can balance the demands in your head re rewards, not just monetary but being proud of work n general professionalism.

[TastesLikePanda]

I think ywnbu to distance yourself from this colleague to be honest.

It could be that she has many unfortunate circumstances - or it could be that she has figured out how to play the system... I suspect the latter but then I'm cynical, having worked with one myself.

[iluvsummer]

My mil does this, in the last 3 years she's taken 3 lots of sick and has returned to work just before full pay runs out...she still manages weekends away, shopping trips blah blah blah she's going back to work on Monday after being off since the summer...and I can put money on her being off sick again before the year is out!! Bloody sickening and there's sweet fa wrong with her!

[ShellyBoobs]

I think it is commonplace, but as long as GP's sign the sick notes there is not much you can do about it.

This is smply not true, in as much as it's not illegal to sack someone who has a doctor's note.

Nor does an employer doesn't have to accept a GP's note as proof that someone is too ill to work.

I would be very surprised is a public sector employer took the bull by the horns, though, so to speak.