To be annoyed by midday lie in?

[TaraFey]

Hi, I've been a lurker for a while and just now joining in with a gripe.

I'm a single parent with an eight year old daughter, live very near my parents but no other family or friends. When I work, I usually use a mixture of child-minder and extended services for child care, but neither are available during the Christmas holidays and so I rely on my parents, who agreed(not particularly graciously) to have her today, tomorrow and Saturday.

Because I was working at 7.30am this morning my Mum surprised me by offering to have my daughter overnight (she wouldn't usually). I dropped her off at 8pm last night, and collected her at 5pm tonight. When I collected her my mum said laughingly, she didn't get up until 11.40am. I thought she was joking and ha-ha'd no really when did she get up? really, she got up at 11.40am.

So, I was pretty shocked by this and said something like 'wow, she'll never go to bed tonight' I was peeved, and while I didn't say that I was, my face probably didn't look altogether impressed. My mother obviously sensed I wasn't finding it as hilariously funny as she was (I've had a tough day, I have an OU assignment to work on, I was picturing a nice early night for daughter, a bit of ou work, a glass of wine and bed for me...silly I know!) So she started screeching at me to find another baby sitter, she's doing me a favour so she'll decide what happens with DD, I'm ungrateful blah blah blah. So we left.

This isn't an unusual reaction from my mother. Most differences in opinion are met with withdrawal of help with the small amount of childcare I occasionally ask, a Peggy Mitchel style 'get outta my house' or a period of 'not speaking' from her. And we're talking silly differences, not major arguments. In fact anything where I don't agree explicitly with her. Such as thinking maybe that colour is a better match than the other colour. Mostly now I nod and agree.

I can probably just turn up in the morning with my daughter, drop her off, apologise and go to work. And suffer the silent treatment. I really wish I didn't have to but I'm left with little choice. But I'm wondering is it actually me? Is this reaction reasonable...because it doesn't seem to be to me. Is it hilarious for an 8 year old to stay in bed until midday? (there'd been no previous late nights, until that night...she didn't need the sleep) Is it unreasonable of me to think that even though she's being good enough to help out with childcare this week, it's a bit thoughtless to let my daughter sleep so late when she knows I'll be shattered tonight. Or that as her parent I should be able to say I didn't think it was the best idea? And am I being unreasonable to be pissed off at having the childcare favour constantly thrown in my face and used as a threat? I'm happy to accept it's me with the problem if needs be. Maybe I'm just a tired, narky cow :(

[ratbagcatbag]

I was never allowed in bed later than 10am, and hated it, so I let my DSS sleep til whenever he wants at the weekends, normally somewhere between 10:30 and 1pm :)

Think you are worrying unduly, set her up with a film in bed and she will be fine :)

[HomeEcoGnomist]

I was never allowed to stay in bed past 8am when I lived at home - and if I didn't leap up at my mum's first stirrings, she'd come in, open curtains and windows and then start hoovering

I personally cannot wait till my 2 want to lie in!

Op - it's annoying to always have the favours thrown back at you. But unless you can find a way to avoid accepting the favour, you probably just have to grin and bear it. Surely DD can lay in bed reading or even watch a film quietly until she wants to sleep?

[CinnamonCandle]

Tara sharing your pain, this reminds me of when MIL looked after DD when I went back to work after maternity leave. She used to let DD sleep all day, she would then be up all night! I discovered there is no such thing as free childcare and have used paid care ever since (DD is a teenager now). I've used a mixture of after school/workaround care, holiday clubs and childminder. I've found the childminder most flexible, she even took DD overnight a couple of times. Worth looking into?

[M0naLisa]

My 4 and 6 yr old didnt get up till 11:15 today but they've still gone to bed and asleep by 8pm.
I wouldn't have kicked up a fuss as others said if she didnt need the sleep she's have woken up before then

[BacardiNCoke]

I can understand why it's annoyed you, especially as you were hoping for a quiet night once she had gone to bed. But I don't think it's worth falling out with your mum about. My 2 dds have gradually been getting up later and later over the past 2 weeks of being off school. Today and yesterday they both got up at 11am, they're 9 and 6. This has been great for me and DH as we've also been able to lie in too, and DSD who's been off work. She normally has to shout at them a few times to get them to be quiet so she can sleep in.

[notnagging]

Yabu. It is difficult when someone else doesnt have the same views as you but it's not going to damage her permanently is it. It's the holidays, all mine are out of sync.

[Gillyweed001]

How was she sleep wise, OP?

[nkf]

I think you both overreacted.

[cumfy]

When did DD go to bed that night ?

How well did she sleep ?

Did she sleep til 1140 or just lie in ?

[MissNJE]

How silly! YABU

You should be happy that your mother looked after her instead of complaining. If I was your mother, I wouldn't look after her another time.

[cumfy]

Just notice you mention she had a late night.

If so YABU, she needed the sleep.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

With regard to your DD sleeping in, you are making a huge fuss about nothing. If she didn't need the sleep, she wouldn't have slept. How was your mother to know you would want her woken up? If I had a child sleeping over I wouldn't wake them unless we needed to go out. Children don't sleep unless they need the sleep.

She's 8 - so should be able to read, play, watch a movie or whatever - so your evening didn't need to be ruined.

However, your mother sounds difficult and reactionary - so, I would stop using her for childcare. Although your CM isn't working over Christmas, plenty of others do, so do nannies etc so there will be someone available.

I am sorry your parents are like this and aren't willingly having their GD and enjoying it - it's :( but you have to deal with what you have, not what you wish for :(

[Pandemoniaa]

I think this is a battle I wouldn't have picked given your mother's volatile and difficult personality. Especially since, in school holidays, it won't really hurt your dd to have a lie in. But I do sympathise with the walking on eggshells way you have to deal with your dm and wonder if there's any way you could make different childcare arrangements. Because a grudging acceptance and the subsequent grief must be very stressful.

[socharlotte]

I can see why your DM is reluctant to have her.You sound hard work.Don't find fault with people who are doing you a favour!!!

[whatatwat]

you were out of order, if i babysat and your child was given back to you, happy, healthy and having had a good nights sleep and you rolled your eyes at me and got jealous that she had slept late id tell you to find other childcare.

[TaraFey]

Well as I thought it was after 1am when she slept last night and a very mardy little madam at 7am this morning. But I concede maybe I could have done better at hiding the fact I was thinking 'Oh god no...sob sob'

Unfortunately I live in a very small area with poor and limited childcare options. I've just missed out on a permanent 35 hour contract after doing so for 9 months on a 16 hour contract with 19 hours overtime. The condition was working until 6pm 2 nights and 7pm another :( but the CM finishes at 6, extended services at 5.45 and there just aren't any other options, so as of next week I'll need much less childcare but be very poor (starts scouring job ads!) While I certainly didn't have a go at my Mum, or would ever do so, I clearly need to work better at not showing my feelings! I also need to work on DD entertaining herself in her room at night.

[HollyTheHedgehog]

I get stressed out by the thought of my children going to bed late when I hace loads to do in the evening/desperate for a rest/both. This exact thing is happening right now in fact. No idea what time they'll go down and Ive got so much to do.

So I dont think YABU to think 'oh arse I really needed the evening to myself!'
But YABabitU to not let her sleep in in the holidays.

However your mums reaction was OTT and she sounds like right hard work.

[jellybeans]

It wouldn't bother me at all but all my family like a lie in when no work/school. We are not morning people! I would say unless they are harming your DC then let them do what they want while they are caring for her.

[chickencurryfor7]

YABU. Your ds is 8, surely she goes to bed when told to, and if she can't sleep tonight could she just read in bed and/or stay out of your way? It's the school holidays after all, and you're asking a lot for your parents to have her for 3 full days on the trott. If you rely on them for childcare, you're not in a great position to be too picky with minor irritations like this.

[Halo21]

I think ur are being completely reasonable to expect ur dd to be up before half eleven and I don't think you should have had to stipulate this. It's common sense. And as for then going to bed to let you study, I'm completely with you on needing a bit of a mental break and then being able to focus on ur own tasks in the knowledge ur dd is sleeping.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Oh sorry to hear that :( Do you have a good chance of getting another contract?

Also sorry about the childcare situation - you tend to forget that not everyone lives in a town! Could you not have arranged a school friend to have her for one night a week or something? If your DD was my DD's friend I'd be happy to help you out like that one night a week.

If your Mum was having her again today, why didn't she just stay over last night as well? Anyway, if she was mardy today - your mother only has herself to blame.

Yes - at 8 she should be able to 'go to bed' when she is told and read/amuse herself if she isn't sleepy, if she can't - you definitely need to work on it!