to dislike this child and consider not letting him be around Ds2?

[extremepie]

I'm currently living with a friend until I can move myself DH and DCs into a house of our own, hopefully at the beginning of next month.

DFriend's gf lives with him and her son from a previous relationship - I don't especially like him as I find him naughty, rude and aggressive sometimes but he is only 3 so I try to be understanding (hey, my dcs aren't perfect!) and I never let on that I don't really like him.

Despite this I was looking forward to seeing how he would get on with Ds1 and 2 as they and DH came to visit me recently and immediately this boy and Ds1 got on really well. Great. However he seemed to take an instant dislike to Ds2 - I am a bit more protective of Ds2 as he is autistic and non verbal.

This boy seemed the make a point out of tormenting Ds2 - he would constantly hit him 'because he (Ds) was being naughty

[WorraLiberty]

I don't know if you do need to help him learn to be honest.

The idea is a nice one but not at the expense of your child.

So you 'help him learn' while he's using your child as a punch bag...then what?

The next child who comes along and needs help to learn uses him as a punch bag too?

Where does that end and what will your child learn from the experience?

It's down to his parents to help him learn these things...it's not down to you and your child if the learning process affects your child negatively.

All your child will eventually learn is he should become a victim for the 'good' of others.

[CoolaSchmoola]

Well you clearly ("Because if that is what you are suggesting then YABVU!!") don't think YABU - so not sure why you even bothered to post.....

Children of three struggle with change - sounds like he has had plenty.

Also you don't know his background - your child may be more than likely is the first non-verbal child he has ever come across, and for all you know his mother may call him "naughty" if he doesn't answer her when she speaks. He may have been asking your DS a question, and when he hasn't replied (for obvious reasons) the 3 year old has seen this as naughty behaviour.

I doubt very much he has any concept at all of people being non-verbal, he probably finds it very confusing.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, but it sounds to me like the adults in his life have failed him.

YANBU to protect your son, and if you have to cut contact to do that, then that's up to you. But to say you dislike a child because of a behaviour that the adults in his life should be teaching him is unacceptable is unfair and puts too much onus and blame on the child. Dislike his Mum and her ineffectual parenting - don't dislike the child.

If noone teaches him it is wrong how on earth is he meant to know?

[pigletmania]

Op it's not up to you to make him learn, tats his parents job

[WorraLiberty]

How can you help your feelings though?

I dislike lots of people because of their behaviour.

I understand why they behave as they do (various reasons obviously) but understanding them doesn't make me like them.

Not when they behave the way they do.

[Kickarsequeen]

Worra, I've never suggested that the hitting be allowed to continue.

It is possible to protect a child and teach a child all at the same time and if they are to continue to live in the same house its going to be pretty tricky to keep them apart.

extreme clearly has the safety and well being of her child at the forefront of her mind, so I think the ultimate outcome of your last post is highly unlikely!!

[pigletmania]

I totally disagree coola, we are entitled to not like a child, just becase tey are chi,dren we have to like every child . What would be wrong if you showed him you did not like him.

[pigletmania]

They are going to move out at the end if the month so te situation is no going to continue

[WorraLiberty]

Kickars the OP is asking... "WIBU to, when we move not allowing Ds2 to have any contact with this boy?"

Not about keeping them apart when they're living together.

Therefore I don't think it's down to the OP to invite this child to spend time with her DS2 when he doesn't have to put up with the way the other child treats him.

[Kickarsequeen]

Worra, agreed, I would keep them apart in future, I was thinking of how to deal with the problem now. It is possible that in another 10 days when the OP is due to leave that the problem will no longer be there.

If I targeted a behaviour in one of my children around the age of 3 consistently with naughty step 7 days was the max usually to put a stop to it.

Some things would persist for longer... It's a difficult situation. :)

[extremepie]

Yep thats correct worra - they were only in close proximity for the short time they were visiting so it isnt an ongoing situation.

I dont mind helping him to learn how to treat others with respect and to learn that hitting people is not acceptable but I'm not sure I am happy to let Ds2 have contact with him until that lesson is learnt - he is going to nursery soon and I know they will not tolerate that behaviour there so hopefully its a lesson he will learn sooner rather than later.

[AmberLeaf]

He is very young, is it a possibility that he has heard adults saying your son is naughty?

[Spermysextowel]

You're there by your friend's goodwill, whether this child is nasty or not, or whether you were there first. You may find that there will be no desire for contact on either side once you've moved out.

[extremepie]

No Amberleaf, none of us have said that - besides it started from the first time he met him before he had an opportunity to overhear anything!

That seems unlikely as df is a good friend we have known for years and we are moving to a house 5 minutes down the road!

[AmberLeaf]

I didn't mean if you or your DH had said it!

Im thinking if maybe his mum or someone she was talking to had described your DS as naughty?

*My son is also autistic, so sadly I know the sort of crap people can come out with with regards meltdown behavior etc.

[SundaeGirl]

'I dont mind helping him to learn how to treat others with respect and to learn that hitting people is not acceptable'

If this is your attitude then you are not going to get on well. Who the hell do you think you are?

It's not up to you to help him learn anything. Your value judgements in this situation seem odd - you are staying in his house. You are a visitor - definitely not there to teach him. Get your beak out and remember you are a guest.

[extremepie]

Well at the moment it is my house too - I have my own room and pay rent so I don't consider myself a 'guest' or a 'visitor' actually.

By the way you never answered my question about what age you feel it is acceptable to excuse violent behaviour? If another child was strangling your dc, would you just sit there and do nothing because 'its not my child so its not my place to intervene?'

I'm sorry but your statements are quite ridiculous as well as inaccurate!

[5madthings]

yanbu to feel.protective of your children or to not have contact with this little boy again.


i feel sorry for him tho, lots of change in his life and he needs help and support to learn its not ok. i also wonder what he has seen if he thinks hitting/kicking is what you do to naughty children :( he is only three and its never ok at any age but it is more understandable/a common enough phase for children if this age. tho this sounds a bit extreme.

i do also agree he is prob unsure of your little boy because of the communication issues, this doesnt make his behaviour ok but maybe is affecting his behaviour. have you or anyone explained simply to the boy about your ds's autism? or just explained that your ds doesnt talk and shown the boy alternative ways to communicate/intetact with your son that are not violent.

[Astelia]

So a 3 year old is being introduced to his mother's male friend and there is another family living in the house and one of the children doesn't talk. I would imagine a 3 year old hasn't a clue what is going on.

You say it is only for a few weeks- in which case keep DS2 away from the 3yo when he visits. You say you have a room, do all four of you share it? do you have your own sitting room or private space? If there isn't space for your DS's to play when the 3 yo is there you will have to go out until he has gone home.

If the 3 yo is staying over then you will need to keep an eye on your DS's in the morning. Don't let them go down to watch tv without you or DH being there.