Because I see the efforts that the VICTIMS of bullying have to make to get support. They have to go through the hoops of trying to convince teachers and headteachers that they have a case in the first place. They have to convince these people that their child is not making it up, exaggerating, over-reacting and then wait.... whilst they hope the problem is being tackled by the school.
The parents are usually left in the dark about what "measures" are being taken to tackle the bullying behaviour "because that's confidential and can't be discussed". They have to reassure their children that they are trying to help and, of course, they did the right thing by telling them because now we can help you when, in actual fact, the parent feels absolutely powerless.
And then there are the meetings where it's suggested that your child is maybe not robust enough or needs to walk away from situations, or learn to stand up for themselves. You end up thinking that you need to move YOUR child from that classroom or, worse still, the school.
AIBU in thinking that the parents of the "accused" bullies are having it easy in comparison to this?
And BTW I would LOVE to hear from parents who have children who have been accused of bullying for the simple reason that I have never heard your side of the experience and it would help me immensely to know what YOU go through!
AIBU?
To think that the parents of bullies have it easy
EnyainIkea · 15/11/2012 23:56
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bumblequeen i know that feeling well.
i was bullied terribly at school, i was punched, egged, stolen from,
i never told anyone at home and have only one or two mates, i was often alone and miserable.
some of the bullied did try and be freindly into adulthood some of the boys wanted to date me and i would laugh. how can someone fo that and expect to be friends after 
it would crush me if my dc where bullying and would want to do everything i could to stop them, even if it meant home schooling or moving schools.
I think most kids take their turn at being bully and victim.
Crap. My DS is a nice polite gentle boy who can misbehave as hes no angel, just a normal boy - but hes very kind and thoughtful of others, has lots of friends and wouldnt dream of bullying any other kid. Unfortunately the same cant be said for the 10 year old psychopath who bullied him relentlessly for 9 months. He just happened to be our next door neighbour so my DS couldnt go into the street without fear of verbal and physical assualt.
Unless you have been the parent living with this day in day out no-one can understand how it consumes you and slowly destroys you seeing your happy go lucky child eroded and destroyed psychologically in front of you - you feel so helpless. He goes to dancing classes so the milder end of the verbal abuse was to be continously called "gay". The bully got clever and used to physically assualt him when no-one was watching - only 1 assualt could we get him charged for and it went to the childrens panel and because he was only 10 and already had a social worker not much changed.
Approaching his Mum was useless - she alternated between sticking up for him "hes had a hard life" type thing that I got SICK of listening to even from professionals and also being scared of him so let him do what he likes. He nearly strangled a fellow bully and put him in hospital with suspected broken ribs and when I contacted the school to express my concern that this boy was still being allowed access to my son at school was told by a teacher "but he got out of hospital he didnt get kept in" - oh thats allright then eh!
Eventually we had to move house so have lost our home and what was a friendly street through it - we nearly lost our marriage through it to because of the streess and my DH whos a childminder nearly lost his business because the bully was verbally assualting the mindees when they were out in our back garden and chucking stones at them over the fence. My DH would have lost his registration if we didnt move. So now everything has settled down but Im still so angry that all the attention and support seemed to be on the bully because of his dysfunctional background - and my poor DS got nothing. So dont dare say that chidlren take turns being bully and victim 
And theworldaccordingtome the parents of my DDs accuser were committed Christians who forgave my daughter 
I have not forgiven them.
Well let's balance this out a bit (as a parent with severe autism who hits out)
The parent of the victim only really heard their child's version of events, the school doesn't go into details really. The parents don't know what's going on, what's being done to help. All they know is that their child is suffering. This is worsened when the bully has SN. The parents feel bad for the bully having SN, know the child can't help it but they also don't want their child hurt, so they have no one to be angry at, don't know what's being done to stop it, and probably feel just as helpless as the victim.
Ok now for the parents of the bully (SN or emotionally scarred children)
They know all the details of what is going on, have meetings, think of strategies, try hard to stop it, they do have some power.
However, they also have massive worries, are all the parents judging them? Will their child grow out of it or end up in care being restrained because of violence. Why are none of the strategies working? Is it something they've done? What about the poor child being hurt? Are they ok? Is my child's SN impacting so much on other children emotionally that they will end up with special needs too? Will my child be excluded? Need a special school?
It's a horrible situation for both sets of parents. Horrible. I wouldn't wish either on anyone
BUT and here's the biggy... Some children's parents don't care. Their kid isn't unhappy and the other kid should just stop being so weak. If that's the parents attitude then yes, they do have it easier.
It's pretty easy to tell the difference between these parents, go and talk to them in the playground. Not to attack them but just talk to them.
The parents at DSs mainstream school were never angry at me, or DS, they were angry at the school after I told them they weren't putting in place the recommended strategies so this is why things were never getting better. They complained a lot, not about DS (although the head teacher tried to make me believe this but every parent who complained came to me first and had my full support and I told them the type of things they could say in the hope that DS would get the support on the back of other parental complaints) but about the lack of action by the school.
So, to sum it up, it all depends on whether or not the parent of the bully cares. If they care, it's just as hard. If they don't it's easy for them to bury their head in the sand as their kids aren't being hurt. 
That said I am extremely glad DS can't be bullied. He's in a special school now, and a lot of kids have emotional problems and will pick on each other. But DS doesn't care. He came home yesterday singing ginger ninja (he's ginger) and laughing. He also doesn't feel pain so can't be hurt.
I would hate him to be affected by bullying that would be horrendous too 
It's a sad situation that mainstream schools need to find ways of making better.
When DS was in mainstream school he was invited to a lot of parties. One little boy said to his mum (when in reception) DS was in the other reception class to him.
'I am inviting everyone in my class to my party, and dozys DS, because he does hurt me sometimes but he has special needs and he doesn't understand'
I miss the parents at that school so much. The children just weren't bothered about DS at all and looked after him
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OldMumsy One of my DDs suffered bullying by being accused of bullying when she hadn't. That was extremely distressing for her and us. It was a particularly nasty passive aggressive type of bullying that was very hard to counter. That girl was a horrible manipulating person.
Omg my dd has a 'friend' who is like this. It's the most difficult behaviour to counter. She is remarkaly clever at it and is very quick to appear to be a victim when the appalling behaviour is actually hers. Dd is very unsure how to deal with this. The girl is quite controlling and uses crying or saying dd has said things when she certainly hasn't as a way of getting her way and undermining dd. This is yr9 too so not infants.
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