To think people who say "your child your rules" should be taken out and....

[seeker]

.....sh........oh, ok then, severely reprimanded.

I agree "my house, my rules" is more important. Your child, your rules, but not in my fucking house. Not if it means your child can have its nappy changed on the sitting room floor or eat chocolate buttons on my new sofa or pull my cat's tail

But Tee, if you put too much crap into your son's lunchbox, it is affecting other people.

If a school doesn't ban certain things, then other parents take the piss. It has to be black and white rules

You might give a healthy lunch with some extra crisps or home-made chocolate cake. The child sitting beside yours will only have the crisps and chocolate - along with a load of other crap.

And the teacher has to control a class full of children who haven't had a proper lunch and have filled up on e-numbers and sugar. Which is very difficult.

Schools have to have guidelines which cater for the lowest common denominator, those parents who don't think carefully about their child's nutrition. Sometimes parents who do care get caught in the cross-fire, but that is a risk we take as a society.

So we should all have cookie cutter children with cookie cutter rules? Might as all give them up to the state and let them raise them then in some sort of Orwellian way.
Of course it's your child and your rules, within reason.

outraged children have to understand two things (a) the world isn't fair or equal (b) you go by the rules in your family.
So growing up all the cool kids wore expensive clothes and I didn't. So WHAT? My rules were I had to wear clothes my family could afford.

I totally agree with Tee - as a parent I have the ultimate responsibiity for what goes in my sons lunch box. Not another mum, not the school but me! If another kid is affected by what my DS has in his lunchbox then that it his problem, not DS's. I always tell DS I am not interested in what so and so is doing/having etc etc, I am just interested in what HE is doing/having.

Fair enough Betty.

But what if your child's education is being compromised by the behaviour of a number of other children whose lunchboxes are full of sweets and no proper food at all? What do you suggest the school does?

Ok I have a situation. I am quite happy for my dd to play with make up and paint her nails but her friend is not allowed to do that. Obviously when her friend is round I don't let dd play make overs with this friend but why should dd not be able to play with her toys just because of her old fashioned mum?

'My house, my rules' is a useful rule of thumb. DD knows that if she's told not to do something (eg climb on the furniture) in someone else's house, then she follows that rule even if she's allowed to do it at home (tough sofa!). If you aren't happy with the 'house rules' of a friend (eg with older child, allowing drink)- probably best that they always come to you instead.

The same extends to school. They aren't allowed to chew gum while in or travelling to school; she is allowed it at home. Not a problem. If the school has lunchbox rules, adhere to them but if they are stupid work to get the rules changed.

INeed...I think there the 'tie break' is that what they do at your house would spill over to the childs house, if she goes home with painted nails. Its a shame to deny innocent pleasure, but probably on this one there are plenty of other things they can do so best just avoid.

You have to talk to the parents INeed. And then decide how much you want the child over.

It's like, I never allowed my son to play CoD or other over 18s games at home, but I know he played them in other houses. My choice (as I saw it) was to either let him play because the other child's parents allowed it, or to stop him from going to the house at all. Another friend of mine tried to tell other parents what to allow her son to do - but it resulted in her son not being invited.

So either trust other parents to set rules, or don't trust them to look after your child. In your case, if I was the other mother I would either allow her dd to play with make-up at your house or not let her go to your house. I wouldn't tell you what you could do there .

Saying "your child, your rules" or "your house, your rules" or "your wedding, your rules" is often (but not always) used as a way to justify a decision which flies in the face of common sense, politeness and respect for others.

It's like people who say "I don't mean to be rude, but..." before uttering the most rude, personal and offensive tosh, in the mistaken belief that it excuses their rudeness.

Well Mary obviously people need to use a bit of common sense. Our school is not too bad on the lunch box police but we cant give them say a bar of chocolate although a chocolate biscuit is ok. I dont know the answer to your question, I dont know any mum who would send their kid to school with a lunch box full of sweets and hopefully not many mums would.

My DS is a terrible eater and so I do have trouble putting in his luch box stuff I know he will eat but I keep it as healthy for him as I can and def no sweets :)

...and DS has a friend whose mum does not allow him to play a particular game on the wii that my son is allowed to play. DS knows that when this friend comes over we do not play that game as I would not want to go against his mums wishes no matter how silly I think she is being.

Some parents don't use any common sense though Betty. That's why school need rules. Absolute black and white ones. In some schools there are a significant number of children who aren't fed properly.

If they allow chocolate, that is all that some children would get.

i tell it like it is or i am honest and do not care what others think i tell the truth often comes along with my rules blah blah blah crap

It's a 'welfare' issue in our house.

I make the rules, the kids don't and it's well fair.

In what context are they saying 'your child your rules'?

Is it because they think that;

a) you're a numpty for parenting not 'best friending' your child or is it
b) because you're best-friending instead of parenting?

a=yanbu
b=yabu

"my child my rules" can impinge on other people, like for some bizarre reasons you might think it is ok for you child to push shopping trolley into your legs whether they are your child or not they can not push trolley into my legs and something not be said

also my house rules trump your rules when in my house, also my DD knows slightly different rules apply in grandmas house/ nursery school than ours

not allowed to jump on beds or put feet on sofa( even without shoes) at grandmas but can at home, at home is allowed to clean bowl after cooking at nursery she is not

The lunchbox thing is a red herring - IMO most children are capable of understanding that lunchboxes vary, even if they covet someone else's crisps rather than the gravel and honey they've been given.

When it comes to lifestyle stuff 'your child your rules' is fine, but when it comes to teaching the basics of how to exist in wider society as well as within your own family's culture then it has shortcomings as a policy.

'Your child your rules' becomes a real problem when it's practiced in the extreme, and those rules translate into fundamental conflicts between what parents teach their children in terms of basic manners, ethics and social norms.

One parent ignores their little darling stealing, attacking other children or damaging others' property; another parent reprimands their child for that kind of behaviour. When those two children grow up you have two adults, raised very differently, one of which takes social norms seriously and generally abides by them, and the other of which is at best ignorant of commonly accepted behaviour or at worst simply doesn't care, or doesn't believe they should be subject to such expectations.

Quite aside from the corrosive effects of thoughtless, selfish or uninhibited behaviour on other people, the person raised without reference to any social expectations is more likely to suffer from social exclusion; they will face an uphill struggle if they want to contribute to civic society as, unlike the child who was taught manners, they have to work out from first principles how to behave in an acceptable way.

I agree - fine your child, your rules - BUT they have to live in a society as well. That has to be considered

Dahlen you said: However, I do think the world would be a better place for a lot of children if we were slightly morejudgemental - and openly so - about some of the things that get ignored under the philosophy of 'your child, your rules'.

In an ideal world this would be great but the problem with this is those who are mouthy and judgemental...usually about non harmful things like giving your child a banana with lunch instead of an apple...are those who are usually too cowardly to speak up or confront those who truly display abusive behaviour.

There is a big difference in being opinionated and interfering when necessary. E.g. "Just gee up an gee 'im a botil"...this was recently said to me because I chose to breastfeed...hidious crime! This was followed by "thats ma opinion an am entitled to it" no unfortunately they are not typos...its how this person speaks but that's another matter...this judgy person also thinks giving icing sugar to a baby to be ok

Well said, manatee.

I think my house my rules applies along with my child my rules as people have said although I think we should always respect what rules other parents have.

For instance my friend lets her DCs climb on furniture (not just sofas) and do ridiculous things on the stairs. They are not allowed to do this in my house and I have told them so. My DCs are also not allowed to copy and do those things whilst at my friends house as its dangerous. My friends DCs have often said but we are allowed to at home.

I would never let other DCs watch films over their age at my house even if I would let my DCs watch them (without checking first), I also don't let the children eat anywhere other than the kitchen/diner and this rule applies to all children but if my DCs are somewhere where this doesn't apply I wouldn't expect them to sit in the kitchen on their own.

Surely its common sense really??

MaryZ I don't actually have the lunch box issue yet as my son is only at preschool. But I have to say, if he does start bringing a lunch box that he isn't allowed to have some cake in but the school dinner children are getting cake, as I've heard? I will be that parent.

And this isn't just about lunch food anyway. It's my opinion that there is too much government interference in our lives. Whether it's lunch box contents or having to have a 9 year old child met at the school gate when I think he is perfectly capable of coming home on his own (hypothetical, my son is 3.6), he's my son. These things should be my decision.

It should be noted here that I am an anarchist at heart. I don't think we need any government. But true anarchy would never work so I'm happy to obey the laws you feel you need to exist (global you, not you you) and I break the ones I think are stupid. And pay the consequences if I get caught.

BTW Manatee I agree with what you said. But that is still a type of 'my child my rules'. History has shown that those who do not follow societal norms eventually suffer. And those who challenge societal norms intelligently? Change the world.

Surely its common sense really??

You'd think...but common sense is too rare a virtue!

i agree - your child your rules as long as it fits in with what society deems as acceptable behaviour.