To not to want to make the effort all the time??

[notanypixie]

Thought about putting this in relationships but its more me wanting to know if I really am being unreasonable, first time I have done a AIBU thread so I hope I don't regret it, but need honest opinions. cringe..
I namechanged as some know me on here in RL

I had a falling out more me shouting at DH this morning. We don't argue (he's way to laid back and hates arguments), we have a great relationship, cuddle up every eve bar when he does sport but don't get much time out on dates etc as money is very tight, great dad etc etc Married 7 years together for 9 and 3 DC.

We have what I think is a good active sex life however I feel like its constantly me that puts things in motion. I go out my way to dress up, have sex downstairs (hate this as although I am lucky to be slim I feel DC wrecked me..same old story) send texts etc. Just the other day I sent one and he came home 10 mins later on lunch so its not that he doesn't want me as I know he does.

Anyway yesterday I sent some kinky texts, made lovely dinner etc etc, we went to bed watched a film and he didn't even get undressed laid on bed watching film etc in the end I fell asleep. I'm so fed up of being the one to intiate anything. Had we had gone up and I had kissed him etc we would have got it on and don't get me wrong it would have been good. But I am now getting to the point where I am fed up.

I am not a big one for cuddles and kisses in the day (DH has said about this before) I do try though..

So if you are still with me I had a shouty rant basically saying the above and DH went off to work without saying much. Am I in the wrong to demand he actually comes on to me? A friend pointed out to me this morning however that has it always been me intiating, which it has so maybe he doesn't bother because of this? I go through this pretty much every month. We tend to go through motions of sex every other day one week to once a week the next.

just frustrating!

[FredFredGeorge]

You wouldn't go to Ann Summers for anything other than Joke nights out in the pub surely? If you really want to invest in your sex life there are a lot better options outside of high street comedy ideas.

Just talk to your DH, don't worry about being subtle - it may be exactly what he doesn't want. Just talk about sex with the man you do it with! Find out what he wants and how you can meet it with things you want and tell him what you want and find out how he can meet it with things he wants.

Talk to him - then you're not a sex pest - just an Adult.

[notanypixie]

Thankyou

[ClippedPhoenix]

You seem to be setting yourself up for a fall quite a bit there.

Relax about it all and go for subtle signals rather than the kamakazi approach (said in a kind way OP)

[notanypixie]

You wouldn't be far off the mark. I'm pretty insecure about myself. Not really thought of it as a way to measure love so I guess the answer to that is no. We went without for a long time and he has stood by me through worse so I know he loves me very much it's just me wanting?

[ClippedPhoenix]

Do you see sex as a big way to measure love within a relationship?

You're coming across as being rather insecure about yourself.

[notanypixie]

I just don't see me as a sex pest BUT I asked for honesty so will take it on board and have a talk with him tonight. I will update.
Thanks all

[ClippedPhoenix]

I'm also inclined to say to you to maybe back off a bit here.

[schmee]

Probably active compared to mine!

[notanypixie]

Christine tried that option but with us together. Maybe we made the wrong choice of product as I hate it!

[notanypixie]

well I don't hate the sex downstairs but dislike that its brighter down here

I'm by no means swinging by the way! I wouldn't say we had a very active sex life, active yes but not very?

[schmee]

It worries me that you say that you have sex downstairs even though you "hate" it. I may be totally off the mark, but it sounds to me like you are very focussed on having a very active sex life, perhaps because you are concerned that it is what you should be having. I sense that you are concerned that it means your husband doesn't find you attractive if you aren't in the throes of passion.

Your DH sounds like he loves you a lot, but perhaps would like more affection and less swinging from the chandeliers (your comment about him wanting kisses and cuddles during the day).

Why not just relax and see what happens? Listen to your own libido and look for subtle signs from your husband.

[ChristineDaae]

Maybe he's just not in the mood. It could be that he goes along with all your texts etc just to not upset you.
If this was the other way around - 'husband constantly sends me kinky texts at works and gets pissed off if I don't rush home for sex' there would be a board full of LTB!
Get yourself to Ann Summers and give the poor fella a break!

[notanypixie]

I do get what you are saying and perhaps there is something in it....
I suffered very heavily with PND for a long period of time, in which he was pretty neglected.. 3 years back now but perhaps thats what triggered it. Him not wanting to upset me etc

[mmmerangue]

My partner always used to initiate.

When I was pregnant I pretty much said 'No' solidly for 9 months. The idea (and an endless sick feeling) was not appealing in the least. So I think he lost confidence in how to approach me about it...

Now I'm starting to feel like you, although frankly I can only be arsed with the dressing up and pouting about every 3 months!

Maybe there's something thats put him off starting things off? Or maybe he's just out of the habit? When I told DP I was sick of only having sex when I got dressed up for it and I wouldn't again, we didn't have sex for 5 months, soooo I'm not really sure I have the best advice :/

But good luck!!

[notanypixie]

I guess so much has happened in our lives that now things are/have settled we are finding our right balances?

[notanypixie]

Thankyou to you both.
FredFRed I think you are right.. We will perhaps to a take out treat tonight and relax and chat.

Mistress I hope not I am happy to compromise but that would leave me quite frustrated

[squeakytoy]

I would be happy with sex only every couple of weeks..

My husband would think it was a miracle as well... once a month is about the norm in this house... different work patterns and busy lives...

[MistressIggi]

Maybe he would be happy with sex every couple of weeks?

[FredFredGeorge]

notanypixie you don't sound like a pest to me (it seems he doesn't ever decline when you initiate) he just sounds very submissive. You need to sit down and discuss what your needs are, and how you'll meet his - which are also almost certainly for you to initiate it...

[notanypixie]

also squeakytoy you were not far off about being impatient.

I think the fact that he replied with all these sexy ideas via text yesterday morning got my hopes up. I just don't feel wanted although he would say to me this far from the truth!

[notanypixie]

I really am not a sex pest promise. Or I don't think I am!?

Thing is if I don't initiate sex in the past (more that I have not wanted it rather not because I was in a strop its been a couple of weeks before anything happens. He is happy to not do so it would appear. When we have spoken before he has said he hasn't wanted to pressure me to have sex with him.

[squeakytoy]

Why not chill out for a few days and give him a bloody chance to initiate things.. because the way I read your post it seems to me that you are the one hassling him for sex all the time..

Stop being so impatient. :)

[notanypixie]

mameulah thats a good idea, thanks!

[mameulah]

notanypixie I totally do that 'let things build up and the errupt' thing. I have learned that when I can feeling a niggle building up I have to say, 'I am becoming anxious about this...I need to be able to share it with you.' I might have to do that for a couple of days before we do get a chance to speak about it but it flags up a problem and (most of the time) stops a big fight that appears to come out of the blue.

[notanypixie]

My problem is I let things build up and then I errupt. I see how thats totally wrong now...