To expect my nine-year-old to get ready for school?

[StuntNun]

The background is my two boys go to bed at 8.30 p.m. and have their light turned off at 9 p.m. In the morning their alarm goes off at 7.30 a.m. Their underwear, uniform and shoes are laid out in their room. Their breakfast is set out at the table by me while they are getting dressed (so they can decide what they want in the morning). Their school snack and water bottle are on the windowsill by the front door to go into their school bags.

DS2 is six. He gets up when the alarm goes off, comes to see me for a good morning hug. When I tell him he gets dressed (including shoes), goes downstairs, eats his breakfast, brushes his teeth and watches TV for half an hour until it's time to go to school. Then he puts his coat on, puts his snack and bottle in his bag and I do his hair.

DS1 will be 10 in January. Five minutes after his alarm goes off I take the duvet, blanket and pillow off his bed so he can't hide under them. Eventually I bribe, cajole, threaten or use emotional blackmail (e.g. the dog is waiting for a pat from you) until he gets up. He spends 25-50 minutes in various stages of undress until he finally gets downstairs minus his shoes and sometimes without his socks on. He then eats breakfast but it can be difficult to get him to eat much because by this time everyone else is waiting to leave. By the time I get him out of the house I am stressed out and exhausted.

Am I expecting too much of him? I try to make sure he has enough sleep, e.g. same bedtime at the weekends. I get everything ready for him. Short of dragging him out of bed, dressing him myself and feeding him like a baby, I don't see what else I can do to get him ready. I dread to think what it will be like when he goes to high school and has to be on time for the bus.

[sashh]

I'm very much a morning person, but (you knew there was a but didn't you?) I have to have a coffee and something to eat before I get dressed.

I know it ounds stupid but what about letting him eat breakfast in pyjamas and then getting dressed?

[StuntNun]

I love AIBU, there's some really good comments on here. I may try letting him get up later. If he could handle that then it would be better for me to maybe get my breakfast finished before he's up. He did have some issues with bullying this term but I think it was more his perception than malicious intent and has now been resolved - it was one of those 'falling out with best friend' things. There's no TV for the boys until they're ready to go.

I don't so much get his clothes out for him as encourage him to put them away when he gets changed. I just check they are clean enough for the next day and put the underwear out because I think he would dither too much otherwise. He's perfectly able to adapt and overcome if the clothes aren't out for him.

Giving him more responsibility is a great suggestion. That is what I've been trying to achieve but he doesn't seem to get it.

Regarding the debate over whether I should expect DS1 to be able to do what his six-year old brother can do, that is really the key question I am asking here. I am a morning person so getting up and getting ready for school was never a problem for me. Clearly DS2 is the same. But DS1 isn't a morning person and I was wondering whether I was asking too much of him. I have limited experience of the skills set of nine-year-olds! I do remember my mum dressing my brother when he was really too old to need it because she thought it was easier than making him do it himself. He is 31 now and can dress himself so the problem must have resolved at some point.

Btw he has always been difficult in the morning, I think I've spent the last five years coming up with new ways to 'persuade' him to get ready. We had a good system last school year where he got reward stars depending on speed of dressing. The problem is trying it took someone standing over him most of the time. I'm expecting DS3 in three weeks so I was hoping to teach DS1 and DS2 to be a bit more autonomous in the morning.

[RuleBritannia]

My DIL has strict getting-ready-for-school-times. I was staying with them once and the 7 year old had no shoes. He couldn't find them because they'd been left outside all night (Southern hemisphere). He was taken to school in socks but my DIL had sandals in a bag that she gave to a teacher on arrival. He has never been so lazy since.

I do not interfere.

[kate2boysandabump]

I don't think you're expecting too much.

My boys are 9 and 7, they get their own uniform out and get dressed, make their own breakfast, bring in the milk, clear the dishes into the dishwasher and get their own school bags ready. When all that's done, they can do whatever they like.

Ds1 is dyspraxic and finds it much harder than ds2, as he's so easily distracted e.g put shoes on, read some of book, realise ds2 has left the room, put on tie, play with some lego, get the 10 minute warning, run round like a loon packing his bag. Some mornings are better than others.

As an aside, mine wouldn't be able to get up at 7:30 if they hadn't gone to sleep until 9, as they both love their sleep! Maybe a trial of an earlier bedtime to see if it has an effect?

[nokidshere]

Some children are just better at different times of day, just like grown ups.

I am a nightime person. I function at my best between 9pm and 2am and can often be found baking or cleaning then. My dh is a morning person, he likes to get up with the lark and has often been out before the rest of us even wake.

We are all different it's just a case of finding what works for him within your own household.

[valiumredhead]

I would just leave him and ring the school and say he was going to be late every time he did this - he can deal with the consequences of his lateness.

[CaliforniaLeaving]

I threatened oldest son with earlier bedtimes if he didn't get himself sorted in the mornings, I did it too, If I had to fight him he went to bed 30 minutes earlier the that night. He went to bed an hour early a couple of times (fighting me two mornings in a row) didn't cure him but helped a lot and got him to get out of the bed when asked.
My Dh said he had to put his alarm clock across the room as a kid or he hit snooze. Getting out of the bed to turn it off worked for him.

[sensiblebev]

My 12yo dd is a nightmare and it's driving me nuts too. We struck a deal; if I wake her and lay out her clothes AND fill the sink with warm water and a flannel, then she gets ready. Everyday she faffs and is late. NOW if she's late(she calls for a friend whose dad drives them if late) she has no computers after school. She is still late every morning.

Arrrggh!

[nannyof3]

Ok.

Has he always been like this ??

I think: it could be 1 of 2 things;

Either: He is becoming a normal boy , hitting teenager years to fast,

Or

Theres something else there, a special need of some sort......

Ur def not asking to much, my 3 year old gets herself, up, washed, dressed and ready

[steppemum]

oh yes flowery I have done that one too. Occasionally ds (9) will have astrop about something and refuse to get ready. i tell him he can follow when he is dressed and in the meantime I am leaving wiht dds and I will explain to his teacher exactly why he is late.
He is ususally downstairs in about 30 seconds

I think you mus be careful about comparing. Of course he can get ready at 9 yo, but he is a different person to his brother, and he may find it harder for whatever reason. If you push the little brother can do it at him, it is almost certainly going to build resentment

[flowery]

My 5yo is pretty good, he gets himself up/dressed etc really well, and is usually fine about breakfast/reading book/whatever.

On the occasions he's throwing a tantrum or similar, causing a delay, I just say we'll go when he's ready/has finished whatever punishment he's serving, and I will explain to his teacher why he is late.

Nothing gets him moving quicker than the looming possibility that his teacher might find out he's been naughty!

[picturesinthefirelight]

Tabby my two are 8 & 11 and have been doing this for a few years.

Their bedtime is a lot earlier 8pm or 8.30 on ballet/taekwondo nights.

Alarm goes off 7am. No one goes downstairs until they are washed & dressed to shoes. They are responsible for laying out their clothes/getting bags ready the night before.

If they are not up by 7.10 I shout them again. They have a time check at 7.30 and another at 7.45 and 7.55 then we leave at 8am. If they have not eaten- tough

It took just once to carry ds into the car in his pyjamas and to school that's all he needed ( I had sneaked uniform in a carrier bag)

[nokidshere]

Its unfair to say "if the 6 year old can then he can".

Everyone is different and should not be treated the same or compared to everyone else. Finding something that he can work with is the key - but that doesn't mean its the same routine as his brother.

[steppemum]

Have to say to be fair that many some mornings I am still shouting COME ON HURRY UP IT IS TIME TO LEAVE up the stairs at dd sigh

But in princliple it really isn't a big ask

[imnotmymum]

My 10 year old DD like this . Goes to brush teeth stops to hug dog...FOCUS...gets lunch bag starts to make a drink ...FOCUS..she just lacks focus in the morning just press on with it!

[steppemum]

just seen your second post. all 3 of mine aged 4-9 get their own uniforms ready the night beofre (4 yo has help), get their own breakfast, and get their own shoes coat etc. 7 and 9 yo get them selves teeth brushed and dressed. Yes I have to be there and remind people to keep going, but they are absolutely more than capable of doing it. I do girls hair. They have to pack and get ready own school bags night before, I do the packed lunches (although this morning ds asked if he could make his and did. Mine take turns to empty dishwasher in the mornings, all make own bed (well, my 7 yo non morning person rarely actaully gets as far as bed making, but it is a goal ) 9 year old has to feed rabbits and put them in the run.

I do think personality plays a part, and some kids are naturally more together than others, but we have to teach all our kids to be independent. I assume he is year 6? next year he will have to organise all his books and homework. He needs to learn some skills now.

Try sitting down with him and asking him what her finds difficult about the mornings, ask him what he thinks would help. Implement whatever he says, even if you know it isn't going to work, then review how it went.

[BreconBeBuggered]

My 9-year-old would quite happily skip off to school missing a shoe or school sweatshirt if I threatened him with 'going as you are'. He is quite capable of getting himself fed, washed and dressed, and does so without a murmur if he's going out early for whatever reason. I do end up in his room sometimes on school mornings, getting wound up and flinging clothes out of the wardrobe for him.

[steppemum]

I totally agree with tantrums. That is my approach. But after reading a few other opinions on threads like this I have moderated slightly

Is he just not a morning person? One of my dcs is to be honest like set concrete in the morning. She is massively not a morning person. Very different to other two. She just can't move fast. I recognise that and work with it to a point (get everything ready night before, not make her eat breakfast when she has only just woken up etc) But you are already doing a lot of that and it isn't helping.

my ds is nearly 10, and we have really noticed over the last 6 months, that there are some things we have to nag, nag, nag on. We have started to give the respnsibility back to him. Now I say it is x o'clock and I expect you downstairs ready to leave at y o'clock. Can you do that? Great. backing off has really helped and he needs much less nagging now. The secret is though, that you will have to make him leave without breakfast, or half dressed, with no let out option.

[TheDetective]

I forgot to add, that I bought bed time 30 mins earlier, to 8pm, on the promise that it will be reviewed if he can show improvement.

He has shown improvement, but I'm yet to review it, because I think the extra hour (30 mins in evening, and 30 min morning) in bed is doing him good!

[NotWilliamBoyd]

Oh and we have never had TV on in the mornings.

[NotWilliamBoyd]

Yikes I would say that my 9 year old DD is quite scatterbrained, but she gets up when called and gets herself ready for school, helps assemble breakfast for everyone (so she might sort cereal whist I do drinks or vice versa) and today she made her own packed lunch to take in. I expect her to do these things, to me it seems perfectly reasonable. Days that she's run late then she's not had everything she needs - so she's been more organised next time.

Yes I've in the past run with the 'We are leaving in 10 minutes time, no matter what state you are in'.

Another option if he won't get up in the mornings (that would drive me crazy!) is I would therefore take the line that he clearly needs more sleep so has to go to bed earlier.......... (cackles emoticon)

[TheDetective]

As you may remember, I had a similar issue.

DS is 10, and was making himself late for school by dragging his heels so much about getting ready.

He never had this problem until he was about 8. He would reliably get himself dressed from the age of 3!!

Anyway, we are now probably 4 weeks down the line in to 'no TV in the mornings'. This seems to have helped. He now gets up about 7.30, instead of 7, and has breakfast, then gets himself in the shower. We leave at 8.30.

I would maybe try giving him 45 mins to eat, dress, and be at the door? I'm not sure, but less time seems to have helped here. We have been late occasionally - but that has been my fault not his (traffic!).

[lowercase]

oh yeah, we have a checklist that she works through...

handwashing
teeth
hair
swimming kit?
etc.