to be upset about my sisters wedding plans.

[sillymummy11]

My husband moved out in August due to his behaviour- we've been married 7 years and have 3 kids 6 and younger. I've got the kids.

My little sister (33) announces that she is engaged soon after- lovely- I'm pleased her bloke is v nice.

Little sister asks if I mind if they look into getting married at the same place me and not quite husband did. I say fine- why not- it's a nice place.

Little sister texts to ask if I can go with her to see dresses at the same place I got mine...I put off replying for a couple of days as not keen but would have done it.

Mum asks for name of people I hired car from so little sister can use them (can't remember anyway)

Mum says that little sister has got a date for wedding at the same venue that we had- 2 days after my wedding date. And that I'm expected to be some sort of bridesmaid. At THIS point I say "actually...I don't feel I can be expected to be altogether happy with this and be expected to participate so much, 2 days after what would have been our anniversary at the same place that I got married". I explained that the date at another venue would have been fine, or at least a couple of weeks earlier or later at the same venue would probably also have been fine, but that this, I feel, is going to be a bit much.

My mum said that "your sister has enough on her plate" and that when she asks me to be a bridesmaid (I'm too sodding old!) I'm not to refuse. And anyway "you're still talking to DH"

Regarding my own 'plate' being empty I've just had 3 weeks off work with depression , I've just started back but don't feel great. I do talk to DH and things are amicable but that doesn't mean that I'm not sad about our relationship and how things have worked out.

I'm expected to start going looking at bridesmaids dresses and all that gubbins soon and to be honest I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do less. I can accept I have to go to the wedding- but is it ok to say that I just can't deal with having to help with wedding preparations at the moment, and definitely do not want to be a bridesmaid, so soon after my own would-have-been anniversary? Or am I being selfish?

[springyhope]

Have they always been like this? Ignoring things that are important to you, not a drop of support? YADNBU. They sound revolting.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

You are a nicer person than me, I think she is being insensitive and a bit strange. I think I would have said when your mum asked for the details "are you sure its not jinxed" and left them working themselves up into a superstitious lather.

[everybodysang]

I think she sounds spectacularly insensitive and that you are definitely NBU.

However, perhaps you can take heart in thinking that you can obviously organise a really good party if she wants to copy you so exactly...

[SirBoobAlot]

Wow I'm sorry your family are being so shit right now :(

Your sister is being hugely unkind, and your mother needs a sensitivity check.

Sorry you are dealing with shit family on top of your break up right bow.

[Mrsjay]

was your sister a bit huffy when you got married she sounds as if she was jealous and now wants what you had, You must have at least a few more wedding venues suppliers Blah blah where you live ,

[HissyByName]

Your sister is a wierdo! Wtaf? Has she always been so hideously jealous of you, vindictive and mean?

Why not call her and give her the name of your solicitor, so that she can have the same legal advice when she's staring divorce in the face!

I hope you don't find that too insensitive toward you love, but she needs to back off, your mum too.

Ask your friends, they'll say what we say, it's not right, and where's her consideration for you.

You don't have to be a bridesmaid, NO is a copmplete sentence.

Do what suits you! Seriously!

[CamperFan]

kiwiinkits, I think you are being far too understanding. Getting married does not give people the right to roughshod over others' feelings. YANBU OP, I think your Dsis should show a little bit of sympathy for your situation and not be planning an identikit wedding. Has she no imagination/plans of her own??

[sillymummy11]

thank you very much for all your messages. We live in a big city near another average city so there are lots of other shops/places etc maybe it's just laziness...inertia your comment about the same husband being available made me laugh, kitten wow not just me then- but yours was definitely more extreme!! Jenny good idea re kids I shall suggest this.

thanks again

[nooka]

Even if the bride is allowed to be totally self absorbed (and I don't think that is a particularly reasonable assumption) I really really don't understand why the OP's mum is being so incredibly unsupportive. I would feel extremely upset if my mother behaved like this. Getting married is a happy event, going through a divorce on the other hand is incredibly stressful and difficult, especially with three small children to look after. The person who needs more care and understanding is quite obviously not the bride to be!

OP, can you avoid your mum in this and speak to your sister directly? I think that you would not be any way unfair in saying that you just can't really cope with being a bridesmaid at the same venue at the same time of year. In any case aren't bridesmaids traditionally unmarried?

[bragmatic]

Wouldn't bother me.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

That is seriously weird.

Do you live on a tiny island? Is there only one nice hotel near you?

[fairyfriend]

I have to disagree with those posters who say she's being thoughtless. This is not thoughtlessness, it seems to me that she's put a hell of aa lot of thought in. The question is why she's being so gobsmackingly cruel to you.

Also- will she not feel like a twat when people are comparing it to your wedding all day?

[VenusRising]

I'm sorry your marriage isn't working out too well, and hope you're feeling better soon.

Regarding your little sister and her plans for her won wedding I do think that she might listen to you a little bit more when you say you don't want to be a bridesmaid, but I sort of understand why she wants to have it in a tried and trusted way. She must have thought your wedding day was perfect if she wants to copy it so religiously.

I wonder if she'll wake up later and be mortified that she even asked you to be bridesmaid when you were so not into it.

However, I feel that you might just regret not being her bridesmaid - at the end of the day she's your sister, and she's asked you because she loves you and wants you to be there for her on her special day.

As I say I hope you are feeling better soon. Be kind to yourself. Blessings your way!

[Kiwiinkits]

Hmmmm I think on balance YAB a bit U.
The thing is, with weddings, is that the bride and groom tend to get so very wrapped up in it all that they tend to forget about all the emotional ins-and-outs of everybody else. That's part of the joy of being the couple getting married: it gets to be "about you" for a day = really nice. The expectation is that everyone attending the wedding shouldn't place demands on the bride and groom. Basically, leave all your shit at the door. Turn up, be enthusiastic, celebrate and smile (even if you have to 'fake it'). Anything less is being a bit unsupportive and a bit high maintenance, I reckon.
I do sympathise, OP. I'd feel weirded out about my sister using the same venue as mine, at such a close date too, even without a potential divorce in the mix. But I do think you might have to suck it up a little bit. The wedding is about your sister, not you. Do what you can to put your emotional baggage to one side and be enthusiastic for your sister. Remember she's not being deliberately hurtful: just a bit unthinking. And that's normal.

[procrastinor]

Well she's just weird. I could kind of see it if you we're still happily married although I'd still think its a bit odd but you're getting divorced! No offence but I'm of a slightly superstitious bent and I'd be wanting to avoid identikit wedding.

I can see how you'd agree along the way but its definitely time to put your foot down. Either she's a close enough sister to realise the gaff she's made and move/change the wedding or you're not actually that close and she won't mind you not being a bridesmaid.

Lastly why the hell is your mom completely on her side? Do your feelings not matter?!

[JennyWren]

To be fair to your DSis, if you live in an area like mine, the venue and suppliers might well just be the logical (or only) choice - a very good friend and I had our weddings in the same year and used the same reception venue and many of the same suppliers - what was locally available and good value for one was locally available and good value for the other. That said, on the respective days we had totally different weddings and the only similarities you would have realised as a guest were the bricks and mortar and the identity of the photographer.

The date seems a little insensitive, but they probably haven't even realised... Realistically, in their excitement they are thinking about their wedding, in the present, rather than the details of your wedding day, in the past. It is entirely reasonable that you feel that it brings back so many difficult emotions, but their wedding isn't likely to be easy for you whatever the date. And by the time the wedding comes around, hopefuly you won't be feeling quite as raw as you do now.

Would it be possible for you to suggest that in your place your (eldest?) DC be a flowergirl/pageboy? They can represent you, as it were, and the focus would be on them and you would be able to be a little less in the spotlight, which might make things easier for you.

[Inertia]

It's unusual that she wants to have everything the same as you (in fact by the time she got to the 3rd identical thing I'd have told her that the same husband's now available as well , just to make the point- sorry). They are being pretty thoughtless- it's as though all the headspace in the family in being taken up with the wedding, and nobody is actually stopping to consider that you might actually need some support following the breakup of your marriage.

YANBU to not want to be a bridesmaid. Another way of phrasing might be to say that you can't commit to the amount of time it would take to do the job properly, given that you're now effectively a single parent to three very young children .

[Kittenkatzen]

YADNBU. My DB/SIL did exactly this - same date, same (obscure, abroad) venue, not long after I went through a difficult divorce. I put my foot down and said I wouldn't be going. Everyone got over it. I think it's weird tbh. Just say no!

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

is there something wrong with her ?

[Rowanhart]

Okay. Is this your family's local church? Us the wedding dress shop the main or only one in the area you grew up in?

How old was DS when you got married?

[HappyHippyChick]

My dsis had her wedding in the same church, same hotel, same dress place, same photographer, same florist and her anniversary is a week before mine. I couldn't give a hoot, both weddings were amazing! (Disclaimer - I am still v happily married)

[HanSolo]

Gosh- has she always copied what you do?

YANBU to be upset, her expectations are just weird tbh.

[sillymummy11]

and thanks dozer RL friends are good

[sillymummy11]

haha thanks for the opinion yup I thought identikit wedding was very odd- and the fact that ours didn't work out made it stranger still.

I think I'll go with the "I've got to restrain look after the kids" excuse so can't bridesmaid and get quietly pissed in a corner

thank you all for showing me things from both sides

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

YANBU at all. Fucking thoughtless of your sister and insensitive of your mum.