to still send DD to see her dad?

[CharleeWarlee]

DD (4) goes to her dads for the weekend. He picks her up on a Friday after school and bring her back Sunday evenings.

However, for the last 4 weeks I have had tears every Friday morning saying she doesnt want to go to her Dads, she doesnt like it there, he always shouts at her and she will miss me too much.

I must add that when me and her dad split up 2 years ago she hated coming home to me, would put the waterworks on while her dad dropped her off but would be fine as soon as the door was shut and her dad had gone.

I feel so bad sending her to school knowing that she doesnt want to go.
I spoke to her teacher this morning to ask if she was ok when her dad picked her up (thinking maybe she just played the waterworks to me and was fine when her dad picked her up) and explained that I'd had tantrums every morning because of her not wanting to go. The teacher has said that she cries at the end of the day when she sees its her dad picking her up :(

I feel that if she makes the decision not to want to go to her dads then I should listen to this and speak to her dad about it? (she is more of a 7 year old than a 4 year old - very grown up for her age mentally)

Ijust want to know what you think?

[CharleeWarlee]

I wouldn't agree to him having her during the week. This being that we tried this and he either brought her back way too late or if he had her overnight he wouldnt take her to nursery. Yes it may only be nursery, but I dont trust he would be physically able to get up out of bed to bring DD 7 miles to school for 8.40am.

[ratbagcatbag]

we used to alternate weekends, but both parents, my DH and his ex hated it, so we swapped to Fri tea after school to Sat 6pm and then the following week Sat 6pm to Sunday PM, means we never miss a weekend, but also both families get an evening at the weekend "free" to make adult arrangements if needed.

We've done this since DSS being around 5, he's now 14 and it still works well. Means we get to share the tough stuff as well like homework, we also have DSS stay overnight on a weds and he comes for tea on Mon and Tues too.

[Longtalljosie]

Perhaps your line should be that this must be a consequence of her starting school rather than any reflection on him. Explain you have less time with her now and she's probably reacting to that. I agree with others, he sounds unpleasant in the extreme but if you take any judgement about his parenting away, he's more likely to go for it. His new girlfriend will probably like the idea too...

[domesticgodless]

yes mediation definitely the best bet first. After long 'respectful', calm conversation.

[CharleeWarlee]

Of course she does. I wont kick up a fuss about the bath situation, because that is just silly, I was just stating what she had told me after coming home last weekend.

[cestlavielife]

so long as her hands are washed after fishing / being in dirty house she should be fine? presumably it is only extremities that pick up dirt in these places not her body which is covered in clothes? i dont think mentioning baths is going to get you anywhere - she gets one when she comes home right?

[olgaga]

olgaga, he might get an order for every weekend, as it is now the status quo

Not in my experience. The courts do take into account the needs and wishes of the child changing as they get older.

In any case, there's no indication that this would end up in court. If it is impossible to agree between you, OP, I would suggest mediation first.

I would also make an appointment to discuss the situation with DD's teacher, so that she and the TA are aware that your DD might need a little extra monitoring/attention. Also there is usually a designated teacher who can act as a counsellor/welfare person, and you DD might benefit from discussing the situation through play.

[CharleeWarlee]

niceguy as i mentioned in a previous post, there are many reasons why I feel I should, not just the shouting.

Dont want to list them all up because I know what reaction I would get, so I simply just stated the most recent reason and yes the shouting does sound a bit silly as a reason - but she generally gets very upset about this. When DD gets upset she has panic attacks, this being the reason I never raise my voice even when she is naughty at home, I just tell her she hasnt been nice and ask her to go to her room for 5 minutes and she then comes and says sorry (although I havent had to do this for about 6 months!)

[akaemmafrost]

What a tit! Well you've told him now. Keep it to texting. Honestly will get easier.

[Loobylou222]

I think you should try and find out why she doesn't want to go to her dads, if she is visibly upset about going as her mum it's your duty to find out what's going on. I don't think you should force her to go as she may end up resenting u and/or her father.

I won't go into detail but my dp had issues with his dad and stepmum when he was a child but was still made to go and now he is a very messed up man with lots of issues.

[domesticgodless]

Yes and niceguy is right. Sell the other weekend to him.

Ultimately though if he doesn't want to change the status quo the law is very much on his side.

[domesticgodless]

child abuse is astonishingly hard to prove to a family court. The odd slap would be considered to be nothing.

OP your ex's emotional blackmail is sheer BS.

If I were you I'd say 'well she is clearly getting very upset staying at your house so how about we meet in a neutral place and you can take her out, then you get to see her more than if she is spending time in other people's houses'. Play his 'game' but be firm.

[niceguy2]

It doesn't sound to me like it's any reason to stop contact. Parents shout at their kids all the time. At 4 she's far too young to make any sort of sensible decision.

However, given your DD is of school age then I really think you should try to change contact to every other weekend. Otherwise when do you & DD get to spend any quality time together? You get the day to day drudgery and none of the 'let's go to the park/wherever' time.

But the way I'd approach it is not only point this fact out to your ex but also heavily sell the idea that he'd also get a weekend off too. So he can do his fishing/socialising without having to worry about DD.

[Spice17]

Just to add, children can detect an atmosphere/tension/stress/anger just as much as an adult can and in my experience this is very distressing and confusing for a child and can impact on their adult life :(

[CharleeWarlee]

cestlavielife her not having a bath is an issue when I know he takes her fishing every weekend and one particular family members house (on his side) who I know he visits with DD weekends is a very dirty house - wipe your shoes on way out sort of house.

[Spice17]

I recall feeling like this when I was younger and going to see my Dad, I just felt uncomfortable there for a variety of reasons even at that young age.

I now have no contact with him and haven't seen him for over 11 years. My mum thought she was doing the right thing (and I don't blame her at all for this) but I think I would have been better off not seeing him - again for a variety of reasons.

There may be an inclination to wonder if she's playing you off against each other but I think she sounds like she's genuinely upset about it and I would listen to her.

[CharleeWarlee]

Decided to text him and tell him what was happening and what I thought.

He admitted he does shout at her if she is 'bad' and she asked to stay at new GFs mothers. Also said that she's the same when he says its time she comes home on a Sunday Has also made me feel guilty for even texting him by telling me 'i still know how to hurt him'

Have simply said I am only worried as teachers have also picked up on her not wanting to go and I dont want her staying anywhere bar his when she is in his company as that is supposed to be HIS time.

BUT he has also said that over the course of the weekend, she gets rather upset and wants to come home to me, but he doesnt bring her home because he would never see her. I find this quite unreasonable!

[cestlavielife]

sugges you chane it o every other weekend - it is farirer to all.

what hedoes with her in his time is up to him - if he has been having her every weekend then it would be natural sometimes to arrange a babysitter so he and his p can go out. nothing wrong there/

hat she cries? wont be taken seriously by a court.
she didnt have a bath all weeknd? really it is not an issue.


if you have evidence of him hitting her - yes is an issue .

suggest by email you change to an every other weekend arrangement with another visit mid week.

or use a mediation service

[domesticgodless]

olgaga, he might get an order for every weekend, as it is now the status quo. Courts do not take crying children at all seriously. I have heard many nightmare stories of transparently abusive and inadequate parents getting full staying contact and even 50/50 custody because that is deemed to be 'the norm' for the child.

Remember that please- to all those telling the OP to 'get a grip'. Fathers do indeed have responsibilities and not rights but a lot don't see it that way. Mothers have been prosecuted for being 'hostile' to contact.

[olgaga]

I think you're going to have to change the current arrangement for your daughter's sake.

Contact arrangements do have to change over time as the needs of the child change.

The fact that she has started school is a good opportunity for you to say "this is no longer working, she is upset, she needs to spend every other weekend here at home".

Let him deal with it. Don't allow him to intimidate you. Even if he took it to court he would never get an order for every weekend.

[CharleeWarlee]

Yes father-to-be is living with me and DD, has been for a year and a half. He treats DD as his own, and they both get on like a house on fire.

[olgaga]

If you are worried he's going to come round and cause a scene, make sure someone is with you. If he does get nasty, call the police! That's what they're for.

What's your set-up at the moment? Is the father-to-be living with you?

[akaemmafrost]

I think you're scared of him and that's why you are hoping it will all settle down. I know THAT feeling believe me. I was terrified of my ex. But there were some things that could not be let go and I would have to gather all my courage and confront him. Let me tell you, the more you do it the easier it gets.

[olgaga]

as i said before every father should be able to see their children

But he is seeing her! No-one has said he shouldn't - unless he is still being abusive. Most people are simply suggesting every other weekend. It's her right to spend time quality time, at the weekend with both parents!

I dont want to look like the bad person

Is that more important than your child's happiness and well-being? You'd rather your daughter cried at school every Friday afternoon and spent every weekend away from you because you don't want to look like the bad person?

You need to get a grip here, you're not putting your daughter first!

[waltermittymissus]

Every weekend is a lot maybe? When does she get quality time with you? Especially with a new baby coming.