To be peed off to find an ex colleague/friend selling my old baby clothes.

[fishandlilacs]

We both used to work together, I gave her 2 bin bags of my daughters old clothes when her daughter was born about 15m ago-some of which had labels still on and in VGC. She still works at my old workplace, she lives with her parents, no mortgage, her husband on a damn good wage and she pays nothing for childcare.

I lost my job while I was pregnant with my 2nd child-they let me go due to a contracting issue. I'm still unemployed. She knows how broke we are. She also knows I am busy carbooting everything I dont need anymore to put money aside to pay for christmas.

Yet I find her advertising her old baby clothes on a facebook-about 40 of the items I clearly recognise as things I gave her.

Now I know I didn't lend them, I did give them. But AIBU to think it would have been considerate of her to offer them back to me? If circs had been reversed I would have done without a moments thought.

[YUNoSaySomethingNice]

You have the right attitude fishandlilacs.

Have a moan on MN then move on with life.

[fishandlilacs]

TCL

I'm not losing a friendship worth bothering with-she hasn't spoken to me in 4 months.

anyway-it's done now, am letting go. Stuff is stuff after all nothing is as important as family and friends. There are more important things in the world-I don't suppose April Jones' mum is worried about trivial shit like this right now.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

pictish

I won't

[jellybeans]

YANBU. I have been given lots of clothes over the years and always asked what to do when had finished or would it be OK for me to pass them on. I passed everything on or charity shop. But I gave a friend something which holds value and was abit offended when found out she sold it. I said I was happy for it to be passed on. I didn't fall out over it but it peed me off!

[TimothyClaypoleLover]

fish I think you need to let it go or you are going to fall out over this. Your last post IMO implies you are still annoyed/upset about this. As your friend (and other posters on here) doesn't share your "standard" I think she will be quite bemused/embarrassed you are upset about items that are now hers to do with what she wants.

Some people just don't think or cannot remember what was given to them by whom but that doesn't make them a bad person.

[needanswers]

But that massively presumes she remembers exactly what you gave her

[fishandlilacs]

It seems I have a totally divided opinion. I like it when a thread does that.

I don't want the clothes back. I mind that she didn't even show me any consideration given that I lost my job, she knows how utterly devastated I was as i sat and cried on her the day they told me, having just found out I was pregnant again,( 2nd child was a DS so having clothes back for him was irrelevant) wondering how the hell we would manage, and how much we have struggled since.

If that had been me, knowing that a person who had previously been incredibly generous to me had fallen on hard times and i had some stuff that was worth money that used to be theirs, I would have done everything possible to help out the person by offering the stuff back.

But lesson learned once again, you cant judge people by your own standards.

[nickeldaisical]

plus, she probably doesn't even remember which ones were ones you gave her and which ones were given by other people and which ones were her own purchases!

[nickeldaisical]

now, in your situation, if I were the friend I'd offer them back.

I was given a lot of clothes and stuff when DD was born.
Now she's grown out of them, we really, really need the money to buy the next size, so we're putting some of the better ones into the NCT nearly new sale.
My sister also gave us loads of stuff - both people have definitely finished their families and don't need the clothes.

OTOH, a lot of them I've lent to another friend of mine who has got a baby younger than DD (2 sizes at the moment), and those she will pass back to me when we have the next one.

I think your friend isn't BU, mainly because you gave her the clothes and it's up to her what she does with them.
If you'd said "you can have these clothes, but if I have another baby, I'd like them back please" then fair enough, but you obviously didn't.
YABU

[AbbyRue]

YABU in my opinion. You gave them away, she can do whatever she wants with them although its bad taste to sell on

[WongaDotMom]

Ask her if she can do you a good deal on them since you are now skint and she got them off you for nowt.
Publicly on her wall

[IneedAsockamnesty]

i think thats the thing that makes me think its unplesant. benefiting from someone else being kind.

actual gifts that belong to you are different an example that springs to mind with me is some years ago i passed on a unused pram(it didnt fit in my boot i could have sent it back and had my money returned as the company gave me the wrong dimensions but i knew my friend could use it) to a friend as she couldnt afford one when she finished with it she passed it on to another friend so far the pram has been used by 6 people each was given it and didnt think they should benefit by selling.it wasnt a gift in so far as most people would think of a actual gift. hand me downs are different because of the sprit that they are given in its a attempt to save people money so they dont have to buy the item themselves (new clothes or baby equipment actually given to parents to celebrate the birth of a child as a actual presant are different) obviously its just my opinun but hand me downs should as far as possible be handed down to other people.

in all fairness when i gave the pram i did also say "when your done with it please pass it on to someone else who needs it or give it to a charity shop please dont sell it" obviously the person knew why they were getting a brand new pram from a none family member.

[Icelollycraving]

Very rude IMO. I think to sell things although yes,once given you lose the rights to them, I just find it so grabby. Not suprised you are a bit peeved,I would be too.

[lurkerspeaks]

YANBU it is really bad form IMO to sell on items like baby clothes you have been given for free.

Passing them on, giving to charity is totally acceptable but profiting from Someone else's generosity is just wrong.

The OP's current financial circumstances are a total red herring in this tale abd she has acknowledged she gave the clothes away.

I think the rules holds true even if the original donor is v. Wealthy.

OP -don't give her anything like this again and specify the next time that you don't want the stuff back but it should be passed on FOC.

[NumericalMum]

I think if someone gives you clothes you should check if they want them back or offer money for them. I gave all my DD's clothes to a friend. I told her I didn't want them back and she in turn gave me some money to put towards something for my DD. She will get all the rest as DD grows up if she wants them (her DD is a tomboy and mine is a fairy princess.

I honestly don't mind what she does with them but she has since asked if she could pass them along to her niece. Obviously I said yes.

[cozietoesie]

PS - that link in my post was MN's idea and not mine. Interesting.

[cozietoesie]

Not quite the same thing but when I moved into this house, there were some things which had originally belonged to my DB which were included in the estate and which I had paid for (as part of goods and chattels.) Neither of us wanted them - he said 'Give them away, then' but I put them on ebay and made a thumping return.

We split the gross proceeds 50/50 (with me doing the work and paying the fees out of my half.) He gave his half to the youngsters for summer money and I gave my remainder to charity. Everyone's happy and they didn't become a bone of contention.

I know they were technically mine but I would rather ask, I think. It's a courtesy as much as anything else - and who would wish to see a good relationship at all soured by any sort of small ill feeling.

[waterlego6064]

stuntgirl I don't think anyone is saying they expect things to be given back. Just that it's a bit...umm...mercenary to sell on second hand things that have been given to you out of kindness by a friend. Although I don't really believe in karma, I do believe in doing to others as you would be done by.

monster Your analogy doesn't quite ring true for me. If I was sentimental about the aunt, I'd keep the item. However, presuming aunt Tilly knew the value of the item, that would be the reason it was bequeathed- precisely because it was an inheritance. In which case, it would be reasonable to imagine Tilly could expect the item to be sold so that the inheritee could benefit from it. My MIL has already told me she intends to leave us some of her jewellery (of which she has tonnes) and that she would expect much of it to be sold because it is worth money. We could benefit from selling it, whereas keeping it in a safe will not benefit us at all.

Giving people items of baby clothes which aren't worth £100s is different.

[StellaNova]

I wouldn't sell on clothes I was given but only because a/ by the time they had gone through both DS and whoever had them before they would likely be in no fit state to be sold and b/ I'm not organised enough. Not because I think it is morally wrong.

If I knew the person who had given them to me was having another baby I would see if they wanted them back plus everything else I had. Otherwise I give stuff to charity shops or Homestart.

I would be very surprised and feel very guilty if anyone said to me "hang on, did you give away MY baby clothes?" It would not occur to me not to. I would expect it to be made quite clear when giving that they wanted them back and I probably wouldn't accept them because I would worry about looking after them.

[needanswers]

Yabu - I wouldn't remember who gave me what tbh. I don't care what people do with the clothes I give them.

[Sokmonsta]

I have a clothes swap with friends and family. We had a daughter first so my sister passed on clothes, which we passed back when she had another daughter. She's now passing me back stuff from her second daughter for my first, and third daughter for my second. We also had sons so a friend passes on all her ds1's stuff to me, which I pass back for her second son, and which we are now getting back for our second son. We have a couple of 'rules' which were clearly laid out to start. If the original owner wants to sell stuff on once any child has outgrown it, that's their prerogative. But unless its designer labels, we say 'pass it on to someone who needs it' when the final child outgrows it. We're all adamant between us we won't sell it on unless it was ours originally as a lot was gifted to us etc and what goes around comes around. It's a nice cycle.

We were also given clothes by a third friendly couple and told to send them to a charity shop when we had finished with them. But now they have separated, the woman wants everything back, even though our children haven't yet grown into a lot of stuff. Her prerogative but its a pita separating everything out from the stuff my sister and friend gave us. It's a bigger pita that I've got boxes of the damned stuff taking up valuable storage space until one of them is available to collect (in a strop I said they would have to pick it up as I was unable to spare the time to drive around dropping it off in various places like she asked )

It's hard but unfortunately unless you asked for it to be returned once she had finished with it, she will see it as hers to dispose of as she sees fit. The nice thing is to hand on hand me downs. But reality is some people would rather get a few quid for a bag of clothes than help another person out.

[HecateHarshPants]

It would be nice if she recognised that you were struggling and was thoughtful enough to think that maybe you might need these things more than her and to want to repay your generosity.

But. You gave her the things. You can't give something away and still retain ownership of it or be entitled to a say in what happens to it. You gave it away. That's the end of your involvement. If she wants to sell them, use them as dusters, sew them together and fly them off the roof of her house - that's up to her. You gave them. You cannot feel resentful how someone uses something that you gave to them - a gift has to come without conditions.

[SaraBellumHertz]

YANBU to be a little upset but your friend has done nothing wrong.

You gave her those things at which point they cease to become any concern of yours. I appreciate it is a bit galling given your financial situation but there it is.

[BalloonSlayer]

"If not then sorry but once you give something away then they become that persons."

I do understand that but I have always double-checked before I have given stuff away that I had been given in my turn . . . just in case I didn't hear properly and people did want it back. After all, their circumstances could have changed and they could be madly ebaying everything in sight and be glad of the stuff back.

I passed a dressing-up item to a friend who was having a fancy dress party a while back, in case she needed it for her costume. A couple of months later she put it on freecycle. I was a bit as although I couldn't imagine ever using it again myself I didn't think I'd said I never wanted it back . . . Then again, I could have replied to the Freecycle message with a "Is that my so-and-so? I'll have it back if you're putting it on Freecycle", and she would have been mortified, apologised profusely and given it back immediately. I didn't, as she is a wonderful friend and I didn't want to embarrass her. It was definitely a misunderstanding.

[ibizagirl]

Not the same i know but when i was still with dd's father his mum came into the hospital with a load of baby stuff when dd was born. Soon after we split up and she was demanding the stuff back saying it cost her a lot of money. Told her that it was a gift etc. Had a letter from her saying that she wanted the money back for the stuff I HAD ASKED HER TO BUY FOR ME and that would be the end of it. Ignored her then got a letter from her solicitor saying that i should pay the money?? My solicitor explained that the clothes etc were gifts and that i never asked for any of it (which i never). Never heard or saw her again or her son for that matter. Some strange people about. Oh, and another one was a christmas outfit that dd had and a friend at primary school borrowed it for a play. When i asked about it after christmas the mother said xxx had borrowed it. Never even asked me and i never saw the outfit again. I never mentioned it again and neither did she. Suppose i should have asked for a replacement or whatever.