To wish my SIL would accept i haven't got a job

[binweevils]

My SIL is about to have her 1st baby. She is due to go back to work after a year. She has quite a stressful job with long hours, but a big salary as has her husband.
When i had my 1st dc we lived in a different country, so i wasn't working. When we came back to the UK, i got pregnant with my 2nd dc almost straight away, so never got a job. Throughout this time SIL made it clear that she would never give up work, and frequently asked when i was going back to work.
Now both dc have started school but there have been large cut backs in my old profession since i had my dc. I do not want to work full time, and jobs are scarce. The type of job i could get would barely cover the cost of buying and running a 2nd car and paying for before and after school club and i love being able to take them to school and be at home after school.
DH love our lives. More money would be nice, but not essential.
SIL knows all above, but now goes on and on about me not having a job, and she will use a child minder why can't i. I find her quite intimidating, but wish i could think of something to say to shut her up.

[dollymixtures]

Had to do school run and have just caught up with thread.

I revise my previous opinion, she doesn't sound defensive so much as clueless. I think I probably went through that "oh having a baby won't change our lifestyle" stage. Yeah, the fuck it didn't

[binweevils]

I love your idea Hullygully! You have all really cheered me up.

[mummytime]

I knew someone like her at Uni. I felt sorry for her to be honest, equality had just added to the things she had to be best at: carpentry as well as cooking for instance.
I'm afraid you have to develop a waterproof coat, so her words just wash off. You could also drop around in the early weeks to deliver a casserole, a cake and some make up tips.

[Hullygully]

tell her you're a telephone sex worker as it fits round the dc.

[Pusheed]

Dump the bastard.

Oops. Wrong standard MN retort.

Here we go ... Tell the nosy bitch to feck off :o

If this how you ladies talk to YOUR SILs then I would lurve to be the fly on the wall at your Christmas/Birthday get togethers.

"How is the mash?"
"Why? Are you trying to say your mash is better than mine? Why don't you feck off and make your own?"

:o :o

Do sane people ever take your advice?

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

Laugh at her. Like QueenOfWands said, she'll feel daft (hopefully). My MIL has digs at me occasionally and I laugh at her. Works wonders and shuts her right up.

[NeedlesCuties]

I think she's bricking it and is being defensive.... like that adage, "attack is the best form of defence."

I agree with others that often you just don't know how you will feel until the baby is actually born, but I don't think, OP, that you should say that to your SIL.

I took a year off when I had DS then decided to pack it in to be a SAHM. I have a relation in another country who will only be getting 14 weeks maternity leave later this year when she has her 1st. Neither is automatically better or worse, just different.

[Fluffy1234]

DumSpiroSpero, I like your suggestion of what to say to the SIL.

[Proudnscary]

I work full time and I love it.

A majority of my friends were or are SAHMs and I would never have DREAMT of telling them to go back to work unless they expressed the desire themselves. They would never have told me to stay at home!

Silly old SIL can sausage off.

[ceeveebee]

Before I had my twins I was a 'high flying' career woman determined to go back to work after 3 months. Now I have them I really don't want to go back, at least not full time. Your DSIL may find her perspective changes after she has actually given birth...

[binweevils]

She also goes on about how laid back she is, when clearly she isn't at all. Sooo annoying!

[CalmaLlamaDown]

Silly woman, not you op, your sil. She will regret saying these things when she needs advice or a favour with childcare in the future...

[Emma102]

YAdefNBU! She sounds horrible and I'd totally tell her to piss off, not least as it's none of her business! Don't worry, when the baby comes, she'll be too knackered to keep this daft game up :-)

[oldmum42]

You have a job - looking after your DC, doing the school run, engaging in after school activities, etc.

You and your DH have made the decision that this is what works for your relationship and your family - no need to justify it to your SIL, it's none of her concern.

DH and I came to the same conclusion, regarding me being a SAHP for similar reasons.

[DumSpiroSpero]

Avoid and ignore...

...I strongly suspect she might not be as keen to go back to work as she is making out, but they must be used to a certain standard of living. Or perhaps she is willing to make cutbacks but her partner is putting pressure on her to return to work so she feels she has to talk herself into it/justify herself.

I had to go back to work when my DD was 18 weeks (before the year's mat leave came in). I put a positive slant on it to people I talked to but I was incredibly depressed about it and envious of people that were lucky enough to be able to stay at home longer. That said I don't think I ever came across like your sister-in-law.

Perhaps something along the lines of , "Aren't we both lucky to be able to choose how to do things - I hope your way works as well for you both as ours does for us."

Then back to avoid and ignore...

[cazboldy]

I have had this for years.....from bil, and another sil - infact most of dh's family.

Don't you know, that's why i keep having babies ( we have 5 dc) just to avoid having to work

dc5 started school in sept. I am currently doing a degree, and dh works stupid all over the place hours (he is a dairy farmer) so in effect am still a sahm. mil said to dh "spose you will be having another soon"

i love winding them up i put a baby name book on the table last time they came round

[BarbarianMum]

Oh bless her!

We all think this - before we have children. I can remember thinking that no way would my toddlers interrupt every conversation every couple of minutes with clamors for attention. I was sooo innocent .

[mum2twoloudbabies]

Well binweevils she has a mighty shock coming. Just pray you are there when her perfectly brought up child has a major tantrum sits on the floor and refuses to do it her way! As they all do. You won't have to wait too long I'm sure.

[belgo]

I don't think she is defensive, and I don't think she secretly wants to be a SAHM.

She is expecting her first child, is looking forward to a whole year's maternity leave, and has the prospect of a very good well paid job to go back to at the end of that year.

Not many of us have that, I certainly didn't.

She is feeling very very smug.

[Rezolution]

She sounds a lot like my sister in law. Just cut down the number of times you see her. Keep contact to a minimum and that way you will be less stressed.

[randommoment]

I wonder if she's being defensive because a piece of her would love to be a SAHM, but she can't admit that now as she's spent the last god knows how long banging on about never doing it.

[binweevils]

Thanks for the reassuring replies. It can be quite belittling when she goes on about what she is going to do. She almost revels in how hard her life is but is very much 'my way or no way'. She also makes comments to dh about how she will parent differently to him (she will be much stricter apparently, even though both my dc behave pretty well). Even though both her and her husband are high earners (combined income must be 75% more than ours), she makes out she is poor. She revels in the fact that she hasn't bought a thing for her baby as it has been given to her by friends. All in all she is highly irritating.

[dollymixtures]

It would irritate the hell out of me too. But its her first child and as others have said who knows how she'll feel? She sounds extremely defensive, maybe actually she'd like to stay at home but feels she has backed herself into a corner?

I think my response would be "This obviously really bothers you, are you worried about going back to work?" If she still goes on then you need to say straight "Your choices aren't my choices."

Or if you're evil you could just give her a spectacularly patronising smile and say "Oh, you'll feel differently when baby's finally here."

[InsomniaQueen]

Fully agree with the others - if you can manage how you are, why stress yourself about going back to work when the job market is so difficult!!

I would tell her to mind her own business - more than that she shouldn't comment until she gets there. I'm pg with my first and despite previously being adamant I would go back to work after DC's, the treatment I've had from my workplace during my pregnancy has made me totally question my loyalty to them and what is really important in my life.

Your decision not to work is no better or worse than her decision to go back to work - it really bugs me that women get down on each other about these things. Everyone has different circumstances and should be allowed to pursue what makes them happy - as long as your DC's are fed and cared for it doesn't really matter.

Best of luck with it all!!

[FatherHankTree]

Agree with Queenofwands, being told to butt out, but done with a laugh, works wonders.