Sorry...MIL thread

[lostsocks]

I am pregnant, very nearly full term, with MIL's first grandchild. She hasn't really shown any interest throughout the pregnancy, but I realise that not everybody is interested in other people's pregnancies/scans/etc and would never expect everyone to be as excited as us.

Anyway, now that baby is very nearly here, I thought she might start to become a little bit more excited. At the last ante natal appointment, we found that there were a few issues re baby's growth and a couple of other things. I left MIL a message just to let her know, and also to ask her to let us know what arrangements she wanted to make for visiting.

I wasn't trying to push her into giving us firm time and dates, but she hasn't let us know yet what she plans to do at all, she doesn't get on with FIL who she is separated from (or his wife) and wouldn't be happy to visit if they were also up here, and she has cancelled her last two visits to us at short notice so haven't been able to discuss what she wants to do as she doesn't often respond to any calls/texts from me.

So I left this message over a week ago and have had absolutely no response from her. I'm really quite annoyed that she couldn't make the effort to respond to a message about the health of/when she wants to visit her grandchild - all she had to do was pick up the phone, even if it was to speak to DH rather than me.

Whilst she has never made any obviously rude comments to me since I started my relationship with DH, she's always had a bit of a tendency to be a bit indifferent to DH and towards me/puts us down perhaps not maliciously but without thinking, eg no acknowledgement of her birthday presents we have made a real effort with and thought hard about, no card on my birthday, when I sent her a get well soon card a few months ago she text me saying 'thanks for the card, everyone here has been so lovely and sent me flowers and chocolates', if DH has had a promotion at work or other good news she tends to respond by saying 'Oh. Well, BIL [insert how brilliant BIL is]'. It was only a few weeks ago that she made a comment that she hopes that BIL will get married this year as she needs 'something to look forward to'.

All this has been annoying but not the end of the world. However, should I really stand for this if this is also going to be the case for our child too? I really feel like sending her an arsey message, as the fact that she couldn't be bothered even acknowledging my last attempt at contacting her has really annoyed me (or maybe I'm just hormonal). Would this be unreasonable?

[lostsocks]

Oh. Sorry, that's reaaaally long and boring!

[ragingmull]

Yes sending her an "arsey" message would be unreasonable. It's sad that you feel like this but there's not much you can do about it really. You can't force her to take an interest.

Just let her make her own arrangements, if she can't visit because FIL is there than that's tough luck and she'll have herself to blame.

I hope she takes more of an interest once DC is born :). Good luck.

[Dee03]

I would just leave it tbh then if/when she finally gets round to contacting you about visiting you both and new baby just say you're busy!!

[squeakytoy]

It is your husbands mother.. let him speak to her.

[RuleBritannia]

If she doesn't even acknowledge your message, I should give up trying to include her. Just let her know when your baby is born and see what effort she makes.

[Jelly15]

I wouldn't stress about it, you can't make her interested if she doesn't want to be. She could be the opposite and a right pain, I am sure you have seen the number of posts about MIL's from hell.

[doblet]

There are plus sides to her not being interested you know! Wish my MIL wasn't so keen

[drinkyourmilk]

Ignore her and let your fil and wife revel in being grandparents.
I hope all is well with your baby. :)

[lostsocks]

But why should we all hang round waiting to see what she wants to do when baby arrives? If she even wants to visit at all? WIBU in that case to tell her, sorry, you can't visit we are all busy settling into a routine/have plans with nicer and more interesting other people?

[ragingmull]

Don't hang around waiting, just get on with enjoying your baby. You would only BU if you told her you were too busy to see her out of spite. Once the baby is born if she rings and wants to visit, just tell her times that are convenient for you.

[runningwilde]

I think you need to just get on with your life and accept that, for whatever reason, she is uninterested in you and your dh. Just see her when she makes the effort and send her bday cards etc but don't put yourself 'out' IYSWIM.

No need to get het up or annoyed, just accept things as they are and be thankful she isn't an interfering cow! That would be worse!

[cheekyseamonkey]

You don't NEED to accomodate her if she's not bothered. You've given her the opportunity & she's ignored it, so, her loss. Do not let yourself feel pressured if & when she may decide to make an impromptu visit. If it doesn't suit, just say.

As I'm a childish spiteful bitch also heavily pregnant & hormonal, I would advocate a little dig of some kind. However I'd suggest somehow making it clear to other family members of hers (eg Bil) that she has been invited but isn't bothered. That way if she goes all wounded puppy later (if you do end up saying she can't visit when suits her at the drop of a bloody hat) your position is alreDy out there. This matters not a jot in reLity, but will make post parthm you feel a bit better IM (hormonal) opinion.

Mine is alternately oblivious to & obsessed by my dd & impending dc2. Total obliviousness would be preferable!

[EDRefugee]

Why are you bothering this woman? If she was interested, she'd call. Leave her alone and she'll call when she's good and ready. Just put her out of your mind; she's not even your mum. Let your DH get in touch with her if he feels it necessary.

[xmyboys]

Ditto. Let her sort her own visits out! You will be busy enough with other GP and way to busy with a newborn!! (to enjoy c)
Hope problems from scan get sorted or not too serious. Xx

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

There are positives to not having an overbearing MIL buzzing about right after you've given birth imo.

Leave her be. Let her know when baby is born and that she's welcome to come visit you all then. Why arrange when she'll visit baby before it's born? Doesn't seem much point in arranging visits now, you have no idea exactly how you'll feel after the birth.

[MeconiumHappens]

Id leave her to it. Shes obviously a bit odd. Just carry on sending niceties like bday cards, etc but dont worry about visit arranging etc. Let her know when baby is here and if she wants to visit let DH arrange a convenient time. I would try and let DH do the mother organising as its his mum and you have bigger fish to fry.

[IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll]

Just stop making so much effort with her. She is your dh's Mum, not yours, and if he is bothered about her he will make the effort.

It wouldn't be at all unreasonable to tell her you can't see her or make other plans. Just get on with doing what you want to do and if she calls asking to visit you say yes if it's convenient, no if it's not. Simple really.

Maybe she thinks it's a bit odd that you are trying to arrange first baby visits before you have actually had the baby. I do.

[OriginalJamie]

Don't bend over backwards for her when/if she decides to take an interest. Be cordial but put your needs first. As ragingmull says, you'd only be unreasonable if you were vengeful.

Her apparent disinterest is annoying, upsetting and not at all what you, or your DH would hope for from his mum. She will be the one to miss out.