to want not to ask friends round?

[fifiroary]

yes I am, but can't see a way out of this.
I have a toddler and a baby, so do a few of my friends. Throughout the summer we have been meeting at each others' houses for morning play and lunch, roughly once a week.
My house is much smaller than the others and I am dreading having them all over once the weather is bad and the kids can't go in the garden.

so as not to aibu by stealth, i have been diagnosed with pnd and find even minor things pathetically stressful at the moment (they do not know this)

in the past I have suggested doing other things in the morning like soft play or a stay and play near me and then just doing lunch at mine - lunch is easier than having all the free range marauding toddlers, then they all go away for naptime. Even a walk in our small local park would be easier, even if we all have to wear raincoats and wellies. But they all say "oh no it will be fine" and expect to come over anyway, Everyone else hosts the whole morning at their houses, but as I say, they are bigger and their kids have many more toys.

I have happily accepted their hospitality so I feel bad about this but I just can't face carrying on doing this through the winter. What can I do? Can I just tell them we have to go out for the morning and not give them a choice?

[kerala]

YABU. You can't keep trailing round to peoples houses with your children and never reciprocate. Its just not fair and however cheery or welcoming people seem they will on some level resent you. If you are not able or willing to host you have to stop going to the meet ups.

[troisgarcons]

I can see where you are coming from OP. We chose to stay in a house that is really too small for (now) 5 adults - rather that than have a ridiculous mortgage. Its big enough for us, but it gets full up very quickly.

Some people are born entertainers and hosts, others aren't.

My house will be lovely again when everyone goes to uni and it will revert to its original 'just right sized' self!

I would take the friend you are closest to and explain its a very small house, it would be uncomfy fitting everyone in, but you would love to do something when the weather warms up so you can utilise the garden as well as the rest of the ground floor.

[moomaa]

You might find that it gets easier as the toddlers get older. Our group got around the problem of space by allowing them upstairs. There was very rarely the odd thing broken or the odd spatt and the mess was spread further but it made the whole experience more relaxing. As they got older they played more purposefully so there were fewer toys out. Also fewer mitt marks, drinks split etc. All of the kids in our group were pretty good about obeying the host's rules e.g. not in the parent's room/babies room/no going in drawers or wardrobes, only toys that are out (and then precious/messy stuff was hidden away). Ours were pretty reliable on 'telling' on each other after about 3 too.

I understand it is stressful and each of our group has had periods of not hosting e.g. new baby, house on the market, building work, can't face it but have picked up again when able. We also went through a phase of every other week at soft play. The more of you that have a turn, the more it is spread. I think if you tell them you can't face it can you arrange an alternative venue e.g. soft play they would be mean to say no.

[sunshineandbooks]

If it's all really too difficult, can you come up with an inventive reason why they couldn't possibly come round for the next couple of months and why you'd be so grateful to go to one of their houses ? ceilings being replastered, rewiring, etc?

If they're good friends though, I'd say just be honest. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised at how understanding they are.

[moomaa]

People might appreciate if you did more than your fair share in the summer but less in the winter. I have arranged to meet at a park but brought flasks and biscuits along, which was appreciated.

[grumplestilskin]

nooooo no bogus reason! there's enough "its wonderful and I'm coping perfectly and enjoying ever second and use every nap time to bake cakes" on facebook etc. Just be honest and say if you're too shattered or whatever, most other mums will appreciate it and be glad that soemoen else has admitted the realities of the first year!

[grumplestilskin]

and if they don't and want you to join in the stepford mom contest then they'll be no good company for you as you deal with your PND anyway!

[duvetdayplease]

OP - can I ask if you are worried about telling them you have PND? I just think it would allow them to help you, if they are at all human (assume they are nice or you wouldn't see them anyway) I would imagine they will say no problem.

[fifiroary]

duvetday - yes I am worried about telling them. They are all nice but I just don't want to go into it all.
I do go out with just the kids quite often and I do like it. I am lucky to have a relatively calm and articulate toddler and of course the sun shines out of my baby's arse so it is nice just to be with them. I find the company of so many people and the relatively feral toddlers in a house very stressful and claustrophobic and would prefer to drop that whole dynamic completely - I don't want to freeload by making it only at their houses, I just don't like the houses thing so much. Also being in a domestic setting really highlights different parenting styles and that can be tricky too. But it isn't up to me to determine how we will all meet and socialise, they seem to like doing it at each others' houses.

On some level obviously I need their company but I am considering bowing out of the group, although I can't think of an excuse. I think that would be a shame for my dc1 though and I suppose I should have friends, it seems to be something that all HCPs think is good for you. I realise I am not making them sound like soul mates, they are very nice people but I tend to get very fond of very few people.

I realise there is no way around reciprocating really, all new mothers make these sort of serviceable friendships and they have to be serviceable fairly to everyone.

[JIRkids]

Would it not be easier to meet at a baby and toddler group regularly that is on a day that suits everyone and that is central ish to where you all live? Therefore no arranging, cheap, leave mess behind, could go to the park together after.

A mum at my son's new school invited about 8 of us round after school. This meant 8 mums, 8 four year olds and about 5 younger siblings. I did think there is no way I can return the favour!!!

[JIRkids]

Well I will invite her to mine but I couldn't invite everyone together!

[duvetdayplease]

Hi, I see what you mean about not telling them. These people don't sound like your soul mates, it sounds a bit like you think you 'ought' to see them? Sorry if putting words in your mouth, do say if I have it wrong.

In which case I would suggest doing something like going alternate weeks and having them round every other month with na excuse at hand for the in between times. I don't think you need to bow out formally, just let it slide a bit?

Then you haven't burnt your bridges but have reduced the amount of time.

I think it sounds lovely that you get on so well with your toddler, that at least means you have options for how to enjoy your days. Hope it all works out.

[usingapseudonym]

I had a similar post-natal group and in the end bowed out.

As can be seen by some of the posts on this thread some people really wont understand (I usually wonder if they are the ones with no problem hosting/ space/energy/etc). Lots of people DO understand but you just don't know do you - and there's been enough of "don't do it if you can't reciprocate" on this thread to make me think "those" type of people are out there!

I house sat a large house and gardens for a month in the summer and was more than happy to host tons of things - it was SO very very easy. Now I'm back in my pokey place there really is no space - even a friend with 2 kids is difficult. I do wish circumstances were different but it does seem we are judged by our circumstances :( :(

[skybluepearl]

Normally its nice to take turns but you have PND and even the smallest event seems like a massive stressful thing. Do your friends understand how you feel? Can you explain you are paniking about it and getting stressed? I think you have to allow people in and allow them to get to know you.

[fifiroary]

Thanks, lots of understanding on here.

(Yes, there are also a few people who don't seem to have noticed that I have discovered after 40 years of being in the world that it is normal practice to reciprocate, and it would bother me not to, and that is exactly why I started the thread! But you always get a few of those don't you.)

[PinkPoncho]

Hi again Fifi- well that's just how I felt with my group too...that was about 4 yrs ago (my ds1 is now 6) and to be honest, we were all on an email group and I just sent a message saying my flat's getting a bit small now they're all getting a bit bigger, so I'm having a break from hosting the get-togethers but would still love to keep in touch especially if they fancied doing something like a nature walk/trip to City farm/ something like that. This was after a particularly stressful meetup at mine (well for me they all seemed ok) where I worried about all their buggies and the neighbours, one of the toddlers got his hand stuck under the door and was very upset and the mum beside herself (a bit OTT) argh! And then making them all hot drinks with a baby and a toddler! (I didn't even have a baby then but can imagine...

So what happened...well I didn't mention about my PND...felt sort of similar and knew they'd be very kind of sympathetic but not really what I needed. They kept meeting and I was always posted in to any I could go to and they were pretty easygoing...and we started now and again doing little trips / get togethers eg at the city farm where we all brought a picnic along.

The group kin of drifted off as the little ones started pre-school and now they're at school, the mums now meet up not and then for example a takeaway or day away at a spa.

Glad you manage well out and about with yours- I found my two a bit of a handful, but I'm back to one 2 yr old during the day now and that's easier. I understand the getting out the house thing though. I've not tried another group like that though with ds2-playgroups might be a bit easier.

[RIZZ0]

Whatever you do, please don't hide your PND from them, if they are friends they will care and understand, and if not, you don't need them at your house anyway.
MH problems shouldn't be swept under the carpet. Hope you sort things out.

[BorderBinLiner]

Dear FiFi, sorry to see that you currently have pnd but well done for getting it checked out.

My dd's are now past the toddler and baby stage but I too had a relatively calm and articulate one along with a happy baby. And I too struggled with the whole house meeting, coffee drinking, different parenting styles. The occasional after-school coffee round someones house with eight kids running around reminds me that that is still not my thing, I always leave feeling stressed, annoyed and in need of a quiet lie down. A walk along the canal or a massive meet up in the park and I find it easier.

Here's a few tactics I used:

Have a routine so you get out of the house a few times during the week no matter what the weather: eg. library story time, stay and play (although I never really enjoyed that, some groups are better then others), toddler swim session - take in baby as well and enjoy the rest of those days napping /playing at home

Tell the group that's where you'll be and invite them to join you but go anyway.

Skip some of the house meetings so you are not such a 'regular' but those weeks pass on the message that if the weathers nice on friday you'll be at the park.

It's hard work with a toddler and a baby be nice to yourself and enjoy their company where you feel happiest.

And don't feel obliged to mention the PND to friends unless you feel it really will help but do take advice from health visitor/doctor..

[fluffy123]

As you don't feel able to everyone over why not host and pay for an activity not in your house . Such as hire a local hall and do art activities and provide squash and biscuits or treat everyone to a morning at a soft play area. Make up a lie about your house , such as waiting for safe flooring to be laid but say you still want to have your turn but unfortunately can't do it at home this year. I know it will involve some money but worth it to stay friends with this group and fair that you have contributed something as well. Plus a lot less stress for you.

[valiumredhead]

You know what, I think you should let them in. I know how hard PND is but I also think it's REALLY important to tackle thing which we find stressful head on or they become such big problems in our heads we never get round to doing them.

Remind yourself they are FRIENDS, they won't care your place is small they will just be pleased to have a change of scene :)

I really hope you start to feel better soon.

[fifiroary]

Thanks everyone. I am really getting a lot from such supportive, thoughtful answers. I really appreciate it.

It has occurred to me today why the others are so keen to meet at houses - 2 of them are uncontrollable in areas not literally enclosed. You can't walk in the park with them like I do with my dc1, they disappear over the horizon. Only in houses or gardens with fences do their mothers get to do anything but leg it over the horizon after them.

I will invite them and I will apologise in advance for the cramped house and am considering "leaking" the PND in advance just so they know. Then it will be over with for a few weeks. Valiumredhead, I think you are right and building this up in my head is causing an issue in itself.

Borderbinliner, all very good ideas and I will use them once I feel I am a bit "in credit" - once this one is over I will feel a bit more free to withdraw. Some of the mothers won't be able to do what I do because their kids just won't let them (they are honestly bonkers, some of them - the kids not the mothers). But oh well, I'll have invited them anyway. (Although I also want to keep some secrets - I want some places to go where I won't have to make conversation and where the other kids aren't eating bloody sugar all the bloody time and I have to let my dc have stupid cereal bars glued together with syrup and crap like that, grrrrrrr, how can all these well educated women fall for all the "healthy" packaging? That is another rant)

[valiumredhead]

OP I know how you are feeling, been there my love. You will need support and these friends, it's important to have company for you and your dc.

That is exactly why people want to meet at houses - contained is good!

Do it once, you'll see it's not that bad and hen that'll be it for a few weeks. I am sure it'll go well :)

[valiumredhead]

Remember they are coming to see YOU not inspect your house.

[BorderBinLiner]

Ah yes, the constant snacking combined with the earnest conversations about why they won't eat a proper dinner. The hyperactive but actually over-tired child whose dragged on a constant whirl of activities and yet 'never seems to settle'. Having to make bad adult conversation all the time when actually the kids want, need or would enjoy your attention at these child activity sessions.

When I look back my happiest memories during that time are:
day trips to the local National Trust stuff, art galleries, the Eden Project
at home making violently coloured fairy cakes with everyone, even the dog covered in flour
going to a cafe, just the three of us, and having a 'treat'
lots of stories.

I enjoyed the company of the other parents far more without their children and really enjoyed the very rare evening meal together - we used to take turns to host and everyone brought a dish.

I do not regret not hosting more toddler mayhem sessions.

I don't think I had PND and I really enjoy being a 'mummy' just some aspects of the 'normal' parenting routine revolted left me cold.

[fifiroary]

BorderBinLiner - you so get it. If you and I had maternity leave at the same time in the same town I would love to meet you in a park for a wry chat and a kick of some leaves. And no cereal bars, and everybody buggering off home before people are screaming and kicking and hitting people with sticks because they are exhausted. And then there's the toddlers...

This thread has made me feel so much better. I'm realising that while (as I always knew) I can't run my social life entirely to my own convenience at the expense of everyone else's, nor does it have to be the other way around. Thanks, everyone.