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AIBU?

to want my DS's friend to just bugger off.

32 replies

feellikearightcow · 08/09/2011 15:38

Name changed for this one.

Hope I make sense here, there's a lot more but here's a bit.

DS and friend both 13 just moved up to year 9.

The friend goes to same school as DS. Friend was excluded for badly hurting another boy in a fight last term and sent to a special unit for 3 weeks (not the first time he's been violent). I know that the boy has problems at home, his mum is in a DV situation. Friend was told to leave as he kicked off at the new husband and his mum sadly sided with husband. Friends now lives round the corner with his dad and gran. His dad seems like a nice guy but a bit of a wet fish.

Last term he rang DS after running away from home asking if he could stay with us, I felt sorry for the lad and said yes.

My worry is my DS being caught in the middle of his friends acting out behaviour. Friend text DS saying he'd want to kill himself if it wasn't for DS etc. etc.

DS acts differently around the friends, gets lippy etc.
DS wants to roam streets with friend (which is a no no)
The other day friend was in back of the car and said that he was tired from his antics of the day before. Apparently he only goes out with year 11 girls because then he gets to have sex. On asking what time he had to be home he said whenever. Thenhe said he was going to wait till his dad was asleep and climb out of the window to run off to Croydon to meet a girl.

Guess what I'm saying is whilst I really feel for the boy, he's a bloody bad influence on my DS.

I know everyone says you can't choose their friends buy bloody hell son is only 13!

Shall I let it ride?

OP posts:

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mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 23:12

FFS, what a learning curve when I know myself to be a total tell everyone great advice bit of a judgey person very cut and dried.

On the quiet though I will still ask about the other childs welfare.

mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 23:01

I have also text his father to say that I don't want my son going around with the lad anymore and asked for his co-operation, hence it was my choice in the matter and not my sons. So, hopefully DS won't get any nasty repercussions (which i secretly think he worries about). Will cross that bridge when we come to it.... grrrrrr

mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 22:52

Phew, yes a gut instinct I now think is paramount. DS is now sort of half kicking off but think he is also relieved to be honest. Still hearing that Ollie (his mate) will try to kill himself due to the fact that he, dare I say, manipulated my son into being his friend.

It will pass, DS has more friends and thank you for helping me.

HerHissyness · 13/09/2011 22:16

I'd be inclined to pop down that shop too if I were you OP. Have a word about reporting shopkeepers for selling tobacco to underage kids.

aquafunf · 13/09/2011 21:06

OP. in my experience, go with your gut instinct and be the bad guy in this situation. Had a similar situation with my dd in year 7 and 8. did everything i could and beyond for friend. i learned the hard way that there is a point to stop and say that it is not working for you and your child.

i got to the point where i told dd that she no longer was allowed to be friends with the child. i went to the school and told them that she was not to be drawn into the other childs problems, it had gone too far and not good for my dd.

my dd actually cried with releif that she could just say to the other child- its not me, its my mum.

mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 20:59

Yes, Activate, my gut tells me I HAVE to be the bad guy in this situation, DS is 13 and whilst I still have some sort of say it has to be done. DS kicking off etc. but it will pass.

Apprentice, believe me, I adore kids but know I need to pull my child away. I cannot get through to the other lad. He is set on a path of destruction and I feel sooo sorry for him. But it is what it is. My son is my priority.

apprenticemum · 13/09/2011 18:40

This is a fine line you are walking and I'm sorry to say that someone is going to get hurt. The thing is, that no matter how sorry you feel for the lad, if your DS is eventually the injured party, you will be kicking yourself for not acting sooner. Perhaps by getting the lad on his own and explaining this and may-be say that you had hoped that your DS's influence would have improved his behavior rather than the other way around. Invite him to try and change his ways in order to maintain the friendship and remind him that you have shown him compassion and kindness and do not wish to see it repayed by your DS getting into trouble.

activate · 13/09/2011 17:54

pre-teen to teen it's vital to vet friends and not take on causes because of guilt or feeling like you can change them

you can't if the family is not there, strong, supportive and doing the right thing

best to be the bad guy in this situation I think and prohibit child from seeing him outside school

peers for teens are the most important role models

mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 16:32

Reserection of thread. Couldn't be arsed to name change. Update again!

A little dickie bird friend told me that DS's mate smokes now. Driving down near home yesterday I pulled up when I saw Son (who had £10 pocket money on him) on the way to the shop with the lad. I told the lad I knew he was smoking now and he wasn't allowed into my house carrying ciggarettes. He turned round and said he'd hide them in his underpants if necessary.

Son came back from shop with just a fiver.

That was the last straw!

Have now told DS that he can see the lad at school but thats it.

feellikearightcow · 09/09/2011 13:59

Finally made it back.

Aldiwhore lost 3 more pounds! Hooray!

I have taken great notice of all your excellent advice. Oh, and of course I called the kids parents to let them know he ran to me and suggested I was happy to have him for a "cooling off" period (over night). I also dropped him at the door the next day and made SURE he went in.

This is what I have done.

I did speak to the boy's dad. He totally understood my situation. We discussed putting certain boundaries in place etc.

The lad was with my son when I got home. I made dinner and had a little "chat" with them whilst all together (won't go into detail but basically discussed a lot of what has been written here in advice).

The outcome being, on reflection, no, of course I can't turn my back on the lad. Will just have to trust my son in his knowledge of right and wrong (he's apparently seen as a bit of an agony uncle at school, bless) and hopefully it will become a win-win situation.

Once again, thank you for all your support.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 08/09/2011 19:25

I would think about speaking to the father, tbh, i would have words with the school. If he is getting out of a night, he is at risk.

His dad may be at the end of his tether and by you allowing him to stay with you are adding to that. His dad should be phoning the police if he doesn't have his permisiion to stay out, i had to do it with my DD. She had a friend who was the 'bad influence' and her mother would encourage my DD to stay and miss school.

You don't have to do anything that you don't want to, but if you are going to cut him out of your life it won't do any harm to inform someone.

In truth there is little that you can do, unless you are going to get really involved and you may be then putting your DS at risk, by copying his behaviour as you are seen to condone it. You need to have very honest conversations with them both.

FannyAnnPam · 08/09/2011 18:03

Hi

It is s difficult situation, but I think the fact that you are an adult that friend can talk to puts a lot of pressure on yo,u but you also have the opportunity to really help someone who needs it.

I would talk to your son about his friend, how sad his situation is at home and that is why he behaves the way he does. Listen to your son and see whether he agrees or thinks its cool (that may tell you a lot about whether he wants to ape his friend or be in his situation).

I would remind him that you wouldn't find it at all acceptable if he acts this way (I would also add something in their about shagging around too) and should you find he is getting into trouble you will be down on him like a tonne of bricks.

I would lay out very definite guidelines about what is acceptable to you for the sons friend, in a nice way, when he is in your house. He more than likely would love some structure and if he feels he can talk to you about his life then he obviously trusts you.

It is difficult to try and guide kids who aren't yours but with positive enforcement, paying them attention and praising them, you could shape his life for the better.

Good luck x

waterrat · 08/09/2011 16:53

there's nothing wrong with letting a kid stay who has 'run away' - I hope if my child had done it, a friends mum would take them in. Im sure she told the adults where he was. Also - sometimes children are in danger at home - you can't assume they are safer there.

OP - I had a friend like this when I was younger, I don't know if this is the right answer, but is it worth considering that your son is going to meet vulnerable and screwed up people through out his life - and what he is doing now is learning how to handle them - it's part of the complex tapestry of life and all that.

The best you can do is ensure he behaves sensibly, make it very clear what your own boundaries are - for them both - and trust your son. he is going to have to learn to deal with peer pressure anyway - whether through this child or other children.

He is young now, but as he grows up, he will meet all sorts of kids - and it's an important lesson in life, to learn how other people are affected by their home life/ upbringing and how some behaviour can be damaging.

I don't think you can ban them from being friends - it would cause bad feeling and your son is learning to be an individual/ choose who he spends time with etc. Just be very strict with what you expect from them together.

I bet he isn't shagging girls either.

HerHissyness · 08/09/2011 16:48

I don't know, have not got a teenager, so interested to see what those that do, suggest.

Would talking openly to the boy himself help? i.e. I think you are a good boy, I know you have had it tough and have struggled, but now it's important to focus on yourself, improving your life and your chances.

State that you are involved in your DS life and am happy that he has good friends, and is kind enough to want to help them if and when they need it... BUT, if there is repercussions from his involvement, and his behaviour, education etc suffers as a result of that friendship, then you will not be encouraging of this friendship.

Perhaps saying to the boy that you are happy to help him, to be supportive of him and provide a safe place for him to turn to if he ever needs it, but that there are ground rules. he has to be the best he can be. Sure we all make mistakes, but running about, sneaking out, supposedly having underage sex is NOT on.

If I were faced with this dilemma, this is how I'd approach it, would that be appropriate?

Vallhala · 08/09/2011 16:43

Your son comes first, regardless of the other boy's problems.

What the hell are you doing taking in a boy who has run away from home, even if only for one night? Did you take the responsible route and tell him to talk rather than walk at home and that you might have him to stay for the night but only with the knowledge and approval of the adult in charge of him or did you just say yes when the boy said he'd run away and could he stay with you?

cornsylk · 08/09/2011 16:40

poor lad he is very lucky to have your son as his friend. I agree with what other posters have said about being firm with him whilst he is under your roof. Do the school know about his living arrangements?

LineRunner · 08/09/2011 16:38

Thank you, Aldiwhore, especially after my hopeless misreading of the whole 11/year/11 business!

HairyGrotter · 08/09/2011 16:37

Also, I guess, I would want my child to be aware that society CAN help people who fall on hardships or have terrible home lives etc. A solid consistent presence can do more to influence someone than certain other things.

I wouldn't want my child to turn their back on someone because of their upbringing, but it really is a tough call

aldiwhore · 08/09/2011 16:33

oooh off topic, but you do slimming world.... me too!!! Good luck x

aldiwhore · 08/09/2011 16:32

I think linerunner makes an excellent point. Like it or not OP you and your son are in this situation, so you need to lay down some ground rules to his friend (your son sounds pretty sensible) and stick by them. It may be that once these ground rules are in place your son's friend gives you both less stress, it could be that he gets bored and moves on. The one good thing, and the thing that makes me think that this lad can't be all bad (or even a bad influence) is that he chooses to hang around with your son, so many kids with problems seek friends who are like themselves and that's when the trouble really starts.

Although you've not asked for this situation it seems that you're in a position of mentoring this boy, and I do think that though its a worry and not your job, its a huge compliment to yourself and your son. If it were me, I'd be looking at ways to find exterior help for this boy whilst lessening time spent at school with your son... a fair old balancing act! Its a good thing the classes are split, its a good thing that this boy obviously likes and respects you, and your son.

I don't envy you, but I do salute you. In response to your title, you would BU if you told him to bugger off, the fall out from that could do more harm than good to your son. But for everything else, you are being very reasonable.

feellikearightcow · 08/09/2011 16:29

Need to sign off now as leaving work then off to fat club slimming world, but will be back later. Thanks for all your replies so far.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 08/09/2011 16:29

Duh!!

Sorry!!

I still think that's weird ... the sex boasting, I mean. 13 year old saying he's been at it with 15-16 year olds? Yeah, I'd still ask him to remove himself from my car.

feellikearightcow · 08/09/2011 16:28

Sorry for mis-understand, yes year 11 girls, so they would be about 15 going on 16.

OP posts:

JustAnother · 08/09/2011 16:25

she didn't say 11 year old girls. She said girls in year 11 (of school). Very different!

HairyGrotter · 08/09/2011 16:24

The OP said he's having sex with YEAR 11 girls, as far as I can see.

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