To say No to paying for this?

[deemented]

First off, let me say i love my DSS to bits, and i do not begrudge him anything.

This year it was arranged that we'd have him for three weeks of the school holidays, alternate weeks. As it happened, we ended up having him for six of the seven weeks, but thats by the by.

He's 12 and about to go into year 8 in high school, and his mum said he needed new uniform. We went and spent nearly £80 on shoes, socks, undearwear, trousers, shirts, stationary - basicly everything needed for him to go back to school. I didn't mind paying for any of it as i wouldn't want the poor lad to go without. When we brought him home, we gave his mum the stuff and she really pulled her face and said that he didn't need it and she would have preferred the money - this is despite manshape giving her her maintance every week, even when DSS was with us.

Tonight she has rung and said that DSS needs a new schoolbag and it's going to cost £30 (!!) and that he needs it for Monday. I know full well that DSS has a rucksack that he used fine last year and can't see any reason for him to have a new one.

AIBU in saying that we will not pay for this too?

[rainbowinthesky]

Ds is 15 and likes having nice things. He asked for a new school bag as his last one is bust. It costs £15. I told him he already had a bag that was fine to use so we wouldnt be buying it and I believe he intended to use his own money to get it but as he hasnt yet I am guessing he changed his mind.
£30 is unnecessary.

[TeamVodka]

It sounds like she might have a night out planned for tonight and needs the beer money.

[deemented]

No, she doesn't work. She's his full time carer, apparently.

Gah, i really don't want to turn this thread into a ex-bashing thread, but she really infuriates me at times.

At the moment we can't really do anything until manshapes PR comes through, but then we are seriously thinking of applying for custody or residency.

[Lifeinlalaland]

By the way you and your husband sound lovely and very caring and supportive of your DSS and that you are putting him first. What a pity not everyone is so kind and caring. Hope you have a great weekend.

[Lifeinlalaland]

haha. I thought it would say something like that!

The amount you are paying is very generous and if your Husband is happy with that and she is USING it for your DSS and not for other things then all well and good. But she is not by the sounds of it.

And it is cheeky as anything but also..think of the extra things you could do for him with that money..like trips out, clothing, all sorts of nice things. Rather than funding her to do whatever the heck she is doing with it. Does she work at all?

[deemented]

Ha - i've just done that and it says that it's reasonable to pay £15 per week! She would have a hissy fit of herself if we tried to give her that!

[Lifeinlalaland]

I am at this thread. I cannot believe she has barely seen her son all summer, has taken money for him and is still asking for more!

My son lives with me about 60% of the time and the other 40% at his dads. I am very broke and they are not well off either. I don't ask for ANY maintenance because I get child benefit and child tax credit for him, and I use THAT money to pay for his needs in terms of clothing and so on. They don't get any extra for when he is with them so I think it would be taking the piss to ask them for money for him especially if he was at their house. We go halves on extra costs like new school uniform, but other than that I pay for pretty much everything clothing wise and so on. Cause I get the CB and CTC. They don't. And you husbands ex also gets that, and DLA for him, She should be using that to pay for his upkeep.

Your DSS' mother is being totally out of order and I don't believe for one minute she wants that money for the bag. She's already proved she is more than happy to take money from you that is not for him, she's done it all summer. I cannot understand the sheer CHEEK of someone like this!

Sorry thats got me fired up this morning!

IMO you should check the amount of maintenance against a CSA calculator and cut it right down to the amount they quote.

[deemented]

Karma - that again is a whole other thread, but suffice to say, he would be more then welcome to be here full time, but she would fight that every inch of the way. Not for him, but for the DLA etc that she gets for him.

But yes, we're going to tell her that we simply can't afford to buy him a new bag. It's the truth - we have two other children to put uniform on and a toddler who's growing like a weed too. Obviously, if it really were a nessesity(sp?) then i'd find the money for a bag for him from somewhere - but not a £30 one!

[Inertia]

I think I'd probably take the tack that you cannot afford it after the extra expenses incurred over the holidays, but you might have a rucksack knocking about that he can use if he has nothing.

30 pounds is a LOT for a school rucksack, you can get them in Argos / Amazon etc for a tenner. Sounds like she wants cash.

[moomoo1967]

I'm gobsmacked that you had DSS for most of the summer holidays, bought his school uniform AND still paid her maintenance then are asked to pay £30 for a school bag....cheeky mare !
I have had to buy all DD school uniform to start secondary school and don't receive any money from gitfeatures. Some people take the mickey

[mynewpassion]

Oohhh. Remember that thread about that poster who admittedly cheekily asked her exH to give her money for a new bed for the DS in her home? Her point was "if you don't ask, you won't know."

Similar story but from the other side.

I think most people thought it was unreasonable for her to ask her ex. So the advice here matches what was said on the other thread.

So, don't give it to her. Your Dh pays for support. She should put up some.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Perhaps he should be living with your dp if she is doing such a piss poor job of looking after him.

[deemented]

Aye, that's the gist of it.

That's not mentioning the clothes we had to go out and buy him whilst he was here - he's 12 and she sent him with socks, pants and trousers that would fit my three year old...--but thats a whole other thread-

[deemented]

Yes, he did.

[deemented]

F.U.C.K.I.N.G. HELL. You just aged me 30 years.

[biddysmama]

lol no, ive sent u a message on fb :)

[deemented]

You do??? Should i be worried??? Ooerrr.....

[biddysmama]

yanbu..... and i know who you are ;-)

she takes the piss alot tho!

[deemented]

He doesn't earn a regular wage. He works as and when the companies want him - he does security for big events and can be away for weeks at a time one month, then nothing for several, iyswim? He's also self employed, just getting his bespoke carpentry business of the ground. The maintance ammount was agreed between them years ago, and it has gone up as DSS has gotten older.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think she wants money and if you gave it to her, I don't think it would be spent on a bag.

Sports shops sell branded bags for about £15. If I was spending £30, I'd want one of those strong surfer rucksacks which last forever.

Glad you and dh are not going to give her money.

[Allboxedin]

At least you both agree! :)

[deemented]

We're going to tell her no, that we can't afford it and we don't think he needs it.

I shall await the fireworks.