in my expectations of how often DH sees my parents?

[emeraldgirl1]

Or rather, I suppose, is he being unreasonable in his expectations of how often he should see my parents?!

Since the start of the year, he has seen them: once for a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning in Feb; a day trip up for lunch at Easter; a concert one evening in June. He is now saying he feels 'claustrophobic' because we have been asked to have dinner with them this coming w/e for my dad's bday AND are going to their 40th anniversary celebration in Oct.

I should say that my parents ARE, no denying it, not the easiest of people to spend time with, hence the fact (I feel) that I limit the amount of time we see them as much as poss. I tend to see more of them without DH, eg the occasional w/e when he's away or busy (or can't face coming!) etc. It's a drag for me too, I hate to say, because though of course I love my parents they can be extremely demanding and judgemental and - yes - claustrophobic. However, they never actually behave that way in front of DH so it's not like he has to put up with snidey comments over the table etc.

I will admit too that I have been disingenuous in the past with DH - promising him we won't have to go to a family b'day event or something and then at the last minute feeling guilty and insisting that we drop everything and go. So I do accept that there is 'background' to this.

Re his parents, I am a saint of course . Actually, seriously, it's a different situation with them, they are divorced (un-amicably) and so there are never any big family events, that said we do see a lot of his dad and though we see less of his mum I have only once in all the years we've been together complained and said I didn't want to go and do something with her. (I still went, just a bit unwillingly). My point is that I accept that you just do things with your in-laws without a huge amount of fuss, assuming you're not otherwise engaged or anything. And I don't think I am asking my DH for a massive amount of attendance!

But am I being unreasonable? How often do other people see their parents/in-laws? DH keeps doing 'straw polls' of his friends who all - surprise surprise - think he's being maligned. My friends tend to see their parents as much or more. Is it a female thing?

[Insomnia11]

We see my inlaws several times a week as we live five minutes away. They look after the girls one day a week and babysit every now and then. And we spend a week away on holiday with them once a year. My parents live further away, but come and stay for 4/5 days every one to two months, and we spend a holiday with them in the summer as they conveniently live on the Isle of Wight :)

[sjuperwolef]

my mil lives 350 miles away but we've seen her 2 or 3 times this yr. i see my mum maybe every 4-6 weeks think dp has seen her 2-3 times i tend to go for lunch with my mum or meet up for shopping. dp only sees her if i have her up for tea or he wants something from my mums dp

[somewherewest]

I feel a little guilty reading this as I'mlike your DP in my desperate anxiety not to see too much of the PILs, particularly my MIL (who is VERY hard to be around). Mercifully they live a long way away, and aren't that clingy. I do usually knuckle under a couple of times a year though, so I don't think you're BU.

[Dozer]

Lots of talk here about OP's DP, but little about her mother. It sounds like the main problem here is the mother. Maybe her DP doesn't like the way the mother treats the OP and doesn't like to see it all happening, or would prefer the OP to handle her family differently.

OP, you seem to be appeasing your parents - is your mother "toxic" or just well-meaning-but-sometimes-annoying? Would YOU like to see them less, and if so, why don't you?

As others have said, the problem will get much worse if you have kids.

I agree in general though that DP should stop moaning and go along the few times a year, otherwise it just makes a difficult situation even worse and gives OP the embarrassing job of going alone when it's obvious he's avoiding going, not very supportive.