to expect friends visiting us to not ignore us?

[FunkyChicken]

Couple we are friends with (pre kids), live some distance from us. See them infequently now (all busy lives etc). When we do, instead of adults chatting/catching up letting the 4 kids play together nicely (which they seem quite capable of doing!) our friends spend a lot of the time hovering around their kids (age 3 and 4), reading to them, doing puzzles, interacting with them etc. in a way that seems pretty rude to me when they have come to see us? I would never dream of reading my ds a (long!) story whilst adult friends I had come to visit were obliged to sit and listen because I had curtailed conversation with them to fulfil the story request for one dc (other dc were in another room)! AIBU?

[WriterofDreams]

Otherside by a genuine need I mean if the child is upset or hungry or something like that it is fine to interrupt the parents. But if parents go to visit friends then they are there to see friends and the children need to learn that they can't interrupt conversation. Teaching them that they can have the parents' attention whenever they want it regardless of circumstances isn't fair - it sets them up for disappointment and turns them into that annoying child at school that everyone avoids. Having been a teacher for years I've seen that neglect leads to badly adjusted children, but over involvement is almost as bad. The children of over involved parents tend to end up being bullied at school as they have never had to fend for themselves and they feel very out of depth in the dog eat dog rough and tumble of school. They are also incredibly annoying to teach - they tend to interrupt a lot and don't have regard for the situation as they've never learned that at some points in life you need to fit in with what's going on around rather than expecting everything to stop so you can tell your story or read your book out loud. They tend to be good kids who have terrible social skills.

[Oblomov]

these 'trying to be the perfect parent' types are possitively boring . yuk !!

[Laquitar]

My BIL says loundly to DN (9) : 'are you bored sweetheart? Sorry about not talking to you' every time someone dares to talk for 1 minute about something that doesn't involve DN's achievements.

[Sarsaparilllla]

I have some friends like this, one of my friends not only does it when we're together but she'll interupt a phone conversation to talk unnecessarily to her toddler as well, just general observations and stuff to him, leaving me sat on the end of the phone twiddling my thumbs and going slowly insane......

[helenthemadex]

I always feel that parents like this are trying to prove something, usually what a wonderful involved parent they are

I had friends like this they either faded from my life or we meet occasionally at a park or somewhere similar

[startail]

YANBU,
Friends of mine that cluck round the children trying to get them to play this or that drive me mad, but worst of all are the ones who put a video on as soon as they vaguely fall out - the reason for going to see people with children is for DC to have someone to play with for me to have a jolly good chat.

However, please be kind to 9 year olds, who hang around the adults. I was one and I know a couple of friends of DDs who do too. Adult conversation is fun, other children are dull and irritating. Yes we need to learn the social of getting along with our peers, but we have to do that at school. We'll do our best to play some of the visit, but please not all of it!

[Laquitar]

Very rude! (i bet they watch tv at home and read stories when out )

OP, on my 40th birthday i've made a rule: Nobody is coming to my house to insult me or be rude.
Thats after i had someone telling me that the dinner i cooked for them was not as good as hers, another playing with her dcs, one who stayed free for a month telling me every 5 min that her house is better than mine and she cant believe how people live in UK (but after 8 months she wanted to come again), and one who asked me the minute she got in how much i earn!

Nowdays only pleasant and polite people enter my house, rude people wont step foot inside.

Put your rude guests in your black list.

[minipie]

I agree with Penguin. Whichever way you look at it, these "friends" are giving you a signal that they prefer their childrens' company to yours. I wouldn't invite them again.

(Unless we're just talking about the odd 20 minute stint in a full day visit).

[Quenelle]

I agree, it's probably not worth bothering with these friends again for a while.

We went to visit friends at the weekend. They have a 5 and 8 year old and we have 2 yo DS. As soon as we arrived the children all disappeared upstairs to play, only came downstairs for lunch and then disappeared again. It was sheer bliss to take our time over lunch, and enjoy a couple of glasses of wine and some uninterrupted adult conversation.

I don't think it's necessarily smugness though, I think some parents are just overinvolved with their DCs.

[Chandon]

I have a dear friend who is sadly possessed by PreciousFirstbornitis.

So when she comes over for a cup of tea, we spend 75% of the time entertaining her daughter, and having to read her stories.

My house is FULL of toys, and I have two DC, so really, she should be fine. Most kids are, as I'm not precious about things either (only yesterday I allowed indoor rounders in the living room ). So anyway, as far as I can see she could just be expected to play or even watch telly (though she's not allowed TV by her mum).

My friend takes it even further than yours OP, in that she expects ME to read stories to her DD as well .

I find it a pain, and hope this phase will pass!!! I also wonder how these children will grow up, expecting to be the centre of attention all the time....future Bridezilla's possibly ...

[mrswoodentop]

I can't stand this behaviour either and the saddest thing is that the parents were denying their children the chance of an opportunity to play with the OP's children .One of the nicest things about having other families to stay at this age is to see the children playing together and learning how to interact and making friends .all too soon they become much more discerning and we have lost touch with some friends because our children just don't really get on and its gets harder to force 13 year old to spend extended periods of time with people they have nothing in common with. Interestingly as they get older they get better about this again.

[mrsotter]

We have friends like this who have an 11 yr old son, he listens to every conversation, meaning you have to watch what you say. When he isn't getting any attention he sits there and sulks or moans he is bored, dispite haviing our xBox to play on, his DS and an iPod touch in his pocket and my 3yr old daughter to interact with if he wished.

His mum listens to music with him if the sulking gets too much, she sits there sharing earphones with him, scrolling through music on the iPod and amazingly cant' understand why her husband told her she was being rude. Apparently she has a close friend who she can sit with and just read a book in her company without speaking, so feels she is able to do this in anyone's house.

The logic escaped me. I am doing me best to pull away from these people but presumbly this is the result of constant attention giving so good luck to your friends OP!

[PenguinPatter]

I used to do this with family.

It probably was rude - but I was happier interacting with the DC than have to listen to the same conversation for the umpteen time where my views opinions were not allowed, or were dismissed or not wanted or listen to. Pre DC I listen for many boring hours - post DC didn't have the time and patience.

Was it one or both of the couple ? - if one maybe one of them didn't really want to be there.

Either way probably a sign not to invite them again.

[pictish]

Agree o

I have little respect for parents who can't give their kids the brush off when it is appropriate to do so. Like when they are engaged in adult conversation, and the child in question wants for nothing except some attention over trivia.

Mine get sent packing....and I thibnk it's very rude of those who do not do the same.

[OTheHugeManatee]

YANBU. I find other people's children sometimes cute, sometimes annoying, but I'm friends with their parents and don't see why adult conversation should always be sacrificed just because someone's toddler is waving a flower around. What's wrong with 'not now darling, Mummy's talking'?

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

They are showing you how it is done, how to be a wonderful parent.

You could learn a thing or two from them.

[pictish]

Yanbu no. I have been around a bit of this myself and find it infuriating.
They may as well go home.

[Empusa]

We had friends like that. They expected us to drop everything for their child as well.

They found me annoying because I wouldn't.

[Purplegirlie]

Create, the impression I got from the OP was that she wasn't wanting the parents to ignore their children all weekend, but her guests were actually ignoring her and her husband and playing with their children the entire time, there was no balance.

[TeenieLeek]

No, YANBU at all, sounds rude and utterly infuriating. But at least they didn't ask you to join in. I was once staying with friends and the Dad came in to my room AT 7 AM with toddler in tow because said toddler "really wanted to do a jigsaw" with me. Not that I let on of course, but I was absolutely fucking livid. Am mildly fond of the kid but I can't stand jigsaws. Or mornings.

Knowing my parents as I do, I am fairly sure that they ignored me completely when their friends were around. I am sociable, emotionally intelligent and went to Cambridge. I do sometime mix up my left and my right though - think it was lack of attention that caused it?

Who remembers Bridget Jones' irritation at her Smug Married friend Magda's inability to get through a sentence without being distracted by her children?

[CalmaLlamaDown]

Oh no I think I am guilty of exhibiting some of this behavoiur....not reading lenghty stories when adults around but i do like to join in the kids play and probably do break off conversation if ds 4yo comes over and makes me laugh. I have also learned from mumsnet that we 'helicopter' parent too AND our only child is centre of our universe because we love him to bits. He is not a horror though, pre-school say he's a real pleasure to look after but perhaps we are storing up trouble for later...I am one of the dull and boring and annoying friends - argghhhh

[create]

Yes, it depends onthe length of the stay - a few hours DC entertain themselves and they certainly shouldn't interupt etc. If it's a weekend, my DS1 would have played nicely for most of it, but there would be times when it all just got too much for him and he would come looking for some time with his parents. DH might have taken him out for a walk or I would have read him a story. Now he'll go and find a quite place where he can read on his own.

You could say it's quite rude to have friends (and their DC) to stay and expect them to ignore their DC all weekend

[sims2fan]

I do think that children should be taught from an early age not to interrupt anyone who is speaking, and definitely by 4 they should be able to wait until someone has finished their conversation. I also remember being a small child and going on visits to elderly relatives etc and being expected to play quietly or just sit and be bored. It didn't do me any harm and I actually think it helped me as it takes a long time for me to get thoroughly bored in a situation.

But, the other side of this is that I hate it when friends visit with toddlers and then ignore the children for the whole visit and let them run amok in my house. Yes, it's nice to talk to my friends but I'm not so keen on toddlers rampaging around my bedroom, getting in cupboards, terrorising my cats, etc. I would prefer that the friends brought a few toys with them and we helped the kids to start a game and then talked while kids are then happily occupied. But yes, if we were in the middle of saying something I would expect a parent to tell a child to wait a minute and not interrupt.

Also, for whole day visits I wouldn't expect to have a family with small children in my house all the time with no acknowledgement of the children. I would factor in time for us to take them to the park or something, so we still got a chance to socialise but the kids could also do something fun.

[Othersideofthechannel]

Also, of course a child can survive a whole day without being read to.

But if you are in a house where there are 'new' books and the child wants to know the story and you haven't got the book at home, it isn't so unreasonable to read the book. Sometimes we borrow them but if the friends live a long way away and we aren't going to see them for months, it's sometimes easier to take a few minutes to read the book.

[knittedbreast]

i can see how annoying you would find it, but also maybe the mum sees her children having so much fun she wants to be part of it and the memory?

sounds soppy but i hope yo understand