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AIBU?

I over reacted didn't I?

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TheLadyEvenstar · 31/05/2011 22:22

DS1 has had 2 days filming at this school after being picked for a part in a channel 4 production.

So I gave him my trust and allowed him to go.

Last night the filming ended at 6.15pm he got home around 6.40.

Tonight he was meant to go from school straight to my mums which is about the same distance from school to home.

At 6.45 I called the school to see if filmong had finished to be told it was over running by an hr 45minutes. So I thought it would be safer for me to meet him, left home and got to the school at 7.30.

Waited a while and no sign of DS1, tried his phone and no answer. So called mum who said she had just spoken to him and had told him to come back to me. Waited a few minutes and still no sign of him so phoned him again and he told me that he couldn't be bothered to come back.

I told him he had no choice but to come back.
I walked up the road he told me he was at the other end of to me, and there was no sign so I called him again and he told me he was at the pther end now. I walked back down it and was halfway when I called him and said you have not passed me so where are you. He said again he was at the other end of the road to me and was outside his school.

I crossed over the road and as I did looked to my left and there running out of a VERY dodgy estate was DS1. I am ashamed to admit I did yell at him to move his backside.

This estate is very bad, drug deals take place there, it is muggers paradise it is awful. I am furious as he had no need to be there.

I then took him to my mums myself as I was so angry with him and all the way he was telling me I was an embarrassment, had no right to go near his school, Should not have gone to his school, needed to let him live his life etc. This went on until we got to my mums and he then started with the attitude to her.

I have told him and my mum that I don't care who asks him over the next few days while he is with her, that he is not under any circumstances allowed to go out with the other children in the family unless an adult is with them as he has again proven he cannot be trusted to be where he is meant to be.

I must add this is not the first time he has done a disappearing act. But he has recently been chatting to a girl on FB who I have to say I disapprove of, when she is sending him messages that 12yr old girls should NOT be sending and I have told him he is to have nothing to do with her.

So AIBU to stop him going out without an adult and to also take his expensive phone away from him and give him a more basic one. Until he can prove he is trustworthy.

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izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 01/06/2011 02:58

IMO, given all of the circumstances, you didn't overreact and your anger is entirely understandable because it arose from fear.

You are walking a very fine line between equipping your ds for independence while endeavouring to keep him safe, and it's only natural that you should err on the side of caution when it comes to his personal safety.

This obvously isn't the first time that your ds has broken your trust and, unfortunately, it's unlikely to be the last time that you find yourself in conflict with him.

When you have got over this shock and are feeling completely calm, sit down with your ds and explain (again) that trust must be earned, and that any breach will have consequences which may not be to his liking but, nevertheless, will happen.

After you've got some feedback from him (and have had lots of cuddles and a couple of foodie treats), draw up a contract that sets out your joint expectations of what is appropriate behaviour for young people embarking on the road to adulthood and covering such areas as helping with household chores, personal cleanliness, getting up and coming home on time (if any of these are an issue), pocket money (and the withdrawal thereof), etc.

Once you've both signed the contract, refer to it constantly and never lose any opportunity to praise (and reward where appropriate) your ds for adhering to it. Also ensure that everyone involved in your son's care reinforces the message and the boundaries.

I've no doubt that you've travelled a long and sometimes lonely road since your ds was diagnosed and you've got some rocky times ahead, but don't ever lose heart because you'll get there even if your only aid is a long stick with a carrot dangling from the end.

BTW regardless of whether your ds is gong to that notorious estate where the police and Council staff only venture if mobhanded, it isn't safe for any child to be taking expensive mobile phones to and from school or anywhere they are not accompanied by an adult, particularly if they live in an inner-city area.