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AIBU?

In-laws house move

19 replies

onthebus · 08/05/2011 19:01

Currently DH and I live 2.5 hours drive from my PiL. DH's brother and family live 3.5 hours from them. We live about 1 hour away from BiL and family.

Due to the distance, we tend to see PiL about 8 times a year - most of these we go and stay for a weekend (or a couple of days in the holidays), but occasionally they come up here for the day (we've offered for them to stay but they don't like to).

About 3 months ago, PiL decided that they wanted to move nearer to their family, so put their house on the market and announced to DH and BiL that they were planning to move somewhere in the middle of us, so approx 30 minutes from each of us. Reasons for the move were specifically to see more of us and also to be able to help out with the children/babysitting (neither us nor BiL have any family babysitters close at hand).

As the housing market was slow round their way, PiL did nothing about looking for somewhere to move to. Last weekend they got an offer on their house, and by coincidence they had been visiting BiL that weekend and had "fallen in love" with 2 or 3 of the villages near where he lives. They have now decided that they want to move to one of those villages and have set up a lot of viewings round there. They are not now going to consider anywhere else. The places that they are looking at are about 5-10 minutes from BiL and an hour from us.

DH is fuming. He feels like 2nd best son and is really fed up that in practical terms, his parents will be seeing BiL's children all the time, whereas seeing our children probably only slightly more frequently than now. He's also really peed off that BiL will have a wonderful babysitter on tap whereas realistically PiL are not going to be babysitting for us at all at that distance.
MiL's response is that she doesn't want to move somewhere she doesn't like (although in fairness to DH she hasn't actually looked to know that she doesn't like what is half way between us). She also points out that they will still be much closer to us than they are now (true).

Obviously we both realise that PiL can move where they like, but is DH BU to find their current plan deeply unfair (as my own parents massively favour my brother I have long since adopted the approach of things like this not being worth getting upset about and you just need to get on with life)?

OP posts:

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squeakytoy · 08/05/2011 19:04

I think your husband needs to wind it in a bit and stop sounding so churlish. They have found their perfect house. It is only an hour away, and look at it the other way, as they get older and possibly infirm, the onus will be on the nearest brother to deal with the majority of care that they need.

compo · 08/05/2011 19:07

Yabu

it's entirely up to them and they will end up closer

I'd rather my parents were happy in their old age

florencedougal · 08/05/2011 19:07

husband needs to grow up and stop stamping his feet

parents arent put on this earth for convenience of babysitting

if he is that worried, he can go to them more often

abbierhodes · 08/05/2011 19:08

Presumably your DH was the one who decided to move so far from his parents in the first place? He sounds a bit 'brattish' to me.

Icelollycraving · 08/05/2011 19:10

Well an hour away is better than their current location. They should move where they like as it's their life,their home & their choice.
Your husband sounds a bit silly unless there is history of being second best,but even then it's an over reaction IMO.

justpaddling · 08/05/2011 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zimm · 08/05/2011 19:11

An hour away is not too far for babysitting......

inkyfingers · 08/05/2011 19:12

Def agree with Squeaky: Don't know how old PIL are, but your DH and BIL will have to think about caring for them in due course. Of course they'll want to share this, but BIL is so much nearer and has had all those babysitting favours, he may end up being more hands on......

squeakytoy · 08/05/2011 19:12

At what age does sibling rivalry actually finish

Going by quite a few blokes who I know...... never.

amberleaf · 08/05/2011 19:13

They have found their perfect house. they havent though? OP says theyve fallen in love with 2-3 villages near the BIL.

Sounds like a plan. Dont blame your DH for feeling put out but i think he'll just have to suck it up.

KatieMiddleton · 08/05/2011 19:14

You have had a lucky escape. 5-10 minutes away and PIL will be dropping round on the off-chance because they will be bored and lonely having moved away from all their friends.

If I were you I'd be throwing a fecking party!

coppertop · 08/05/2011 19:16

The one thing that's missing from your OP is "DH is upset because he was looking forward to seeing more of his parents and spending time with them." It all seems to be about what they can do for him.

CaroBeaner · 08/05/2011 19:19

HIBU, but I wonder why? Did he really expect them to move somewhere exactly mid way, irrespective of the actual location?

Fairness and love are not measured by how many miles away they live.

Does he feel insecure in some way?

Presumably fo the past few years it has been harder for your BIL to visit PILs than it has you.

Your DH needs to grow up and calm down. But I wonder why his has 'got' to him in this way?

PTA · 08/05/2011 19:29

As Katie Middleton says, you've had a lucky escape! Who are PILs going to turn to when they get older and perhaps infirm? BIL or your DH? If they do all BIL's babysitting fine, but it's BIL who will need to babysit PILs eventually!

Journey · 08/05/2011 19:49

I think your DH is being unreasonable. His parents planned to move half way between him and his brother but happened to fall in love with 2 or 3 villages near where his brother lives. His parents aren't doing it deliberately just to be nasty to their son. It's just the way things have ended up.

Your DH sounds rather selfish. He only seems to want his parents to be near him to help with the baby sitting. If he cared about his parents he would be pleased that they had found a place that they like so much.

florencedougal · 08/05/2011 19:57

As Katie Middleton says, you've had a lucky escape! Who are PILs going to turn to when they get older and perhaps infirm? BIL or your DH? If they do all BIL's babysitting fine, but it's BIL who will need to babysit PILs eventually!

and would that be so awfully terrible, having to care for your parents when they need you

hairylights · 08/05/2011 20:00

He sounds like a toddler throwing his toys out, or a stroppy teenager.

TrillianAstra · 08/05/2011 20:08

Get over it.

Personally I would far rather my parents (or PILs) lived an hour away than 5 minutes away, but I know thatmany people don't feel this way.

If living close to his parents is so important to your DH than how is it that you have spent X years living 2.5 hours away from them?

FakePlasticTrees · 08/05/2011 20:18

An hour away is close enough to visit for the day, and to come to sit regularly, (although they will have to have sleep over if sitting for an evening). It's close enough to see them when you want, but far enough away that they will have to call you first before coming over, whereas your BIL will have them just popping over all the time, they'll have to keep the place constantly clean. They'll be no 'sneeky shag in the kitchen while the kids are out at their friends house' without the in-laws popping in. I bet they want keys, it'll be a nightmare.

You've had a very, very lucky escape!

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