to believe that I can change?

[wanttostop]

I am a gambler. I am single with 2 DC. I have gambled huge amounts of my money away in the past. I felt so sick at what I'd done, that I cancelled all my bank cards, and for a while, I have not gambled. I managed to save for the first time in my life.
I went from owing the bank left right and centre, not even having enough money for food, bank charges every way I turned, to having over £1100 in savings.
I was doing fine. In fact, I wasn't even thinking of gambling. It did not cross my mind.
I was sent a new bank card on Saturday. The last time I got a new card, I registered my card details immediately and gambled.
I have spent this weekend gambling away my savings on an online bingo site.
I feel sick and ashamed. I actually won £3.5K and then spent all evening putting it back, as if I was in a trance of some sort.

I have let my DC down, they don't know, but I do, and that makes me feel like shit.

I have to put enough money in the bank tomorrow to cover what I have spent to be able to have enough to pay my direct debits. (I have 2 different bank accounts with 2 different banks and need to transfer funds into the account I have gambled from IYSWIM)

I feel awful, I want to be sick. My stomach is churning!!
I have spent the last year paying off debts and putting money away, and now I have done this.

I will have to go to the bank tomorrow and get the money transferred to prevent any further problems arising from not being able to pay my direct debits, and I am so ashamed, I want to cry. If I have to withdraw the last of my savings and walk to the other bank to deposit the money, instead of doing a fast bank transfer at the savings account bank, well I don't think I can face the bank teller, but I know I must.

Fortunately, I have just enough to transfer into the direct debit bank account to be able to pay for the things I need to buy, shopping, bills etc, but I have wiped my savings out from my savings account by transferring it over.

I am a fool, words cannot describe how foolish I am.

My DC deserve better.

So, how do I face the bank to deposit the money I need to deposit knowing they will be looking and judging me if I can't transfer it and avoid facing them?

I am almost too frightened to return to this thread, because I know you will all give me a jolly good telling off, it is no more than I deserve.

I fucking hate myself right now.

[Gentleness]

It's very, very hard to break an addiction on your own and start to know how and when to trust yourself again and I so wish you weren't going to have to wait for some counselling / CBT whatever. Good on you for going to GA. Can you research any local charities or churches that might offer some free counselling sessions?

You might not be able to change your pull towards gambling, but you CAN change how you deal with it so it stops becoming a problem. Will be thinking about you.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

From what you've said, I suspect that you didn't derive a great of satisfaction from indulging your habit.

|t seems that the sight of your new bank card triggered a familiar response and, even though you knew what you were doing and most probably knew that you didn't want to do it, you went on to automatic pilot and temporarily fell back into your old ways.

Contact Gamblers Anonymous and ask your GP to refer you for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - there's likely to be a waiting list for CBT but you can research the techniques online.

Of course it's your guilt that's stressing you about going to the bank but, as you are not in debt and can meet your obligations, it's highly unlikely that your transactions will be anything other than business as usual to the relevant staff.

You have been foolish but you're not a fool - you're human. Beat yourself up today by all means, but resolve to turn the page tomorrow and proactively break this destructive cycle.

[wanttostop]

Thank you so very much for all your messages of support and advice.

I have just come off of the phone to gamcare. The woman on the phone was very very helpful.
I am a single mum with very little family support and I haven't told my family of my big splurge this weekend.
I still feel rubbish but I am trying to tell myself that all is not lost, I can build my savings up again and conquer this.
The lady from gamcare has given me the number for GA, to arrange meetings, but she said the meetings take place in the evening, so she has also directed me to the gamcare website where I can read others experiences and gain advice and support on their forum, which I will do later this evening when DC are in bed.
She is also going to send me information through the post, and has asked me to ring gamcare again without hesitation if I feel tempted or need to talk to someone re gambling.
The posts on here are helping massively too.
I am still nervous of going into the bank, but I shall do that tomorrow morning. I don't want to be in debt and unable to afford my bills.

When I was gambling last time, I had so many bank charges because I couldn't afford to replace what I had spent, because I had gambled that too.

I have not thought about gambling for so bloody long, and then I blew it all this weekend.

I am going to do some much needed housework right now, then I am off to my mothers for dinner, so will be back later, but in the meantime, thank you very very much for all of your supportive messages.

I wish I could rewind time, but alas, I can't. I will get through this though.

I'll be back when DC are in bed tonight, and will also log onto the gamcare website too.

[atswimtwolengths]

How old are your children? Could you just not have internet access, if you can't trust yourself on it? Could you buy anything you need to buy online from a friend's house or at work?

You do need help - you really must go to GA.

[florencedougal]

could you put controls on your pc so you cant access gambling sites

that would mean you have to be strong willed not to turn them off again though :(

good luck OP, it sounds a terrible affliction

[squeakytoy]

The bank cashier will not even notice or be judging you.

Delete yourself from those sites and find something else to occupy you in the evening. (Been there and done it with spending a fortune on bingo sites, and I know how addictive it can be).

[Icelollycraving]

You have had a blip,a big one but a blip over a weekend. You may have frightened yourself sufficiently now but ga would be a good place for some help.
Could you just have savings in an account with a book & no card? That would take away some temptation. Also,an electron card rather than a delta etc so if you have no funds,it will not allow you to spend.
Limit the availability of money if bingo sites etc are your thing.
Was there a reason aside from a new card for gambling this weekend? Had something triggered it,if so find the triggers that make you gamble.
It doesn't make you a bad person,just weak but aware of your weakness. As with all addictions,accepting the problem is the first & v important step to recovery.
Good luck,you have saved before & you can do it again!

[GypsyMoth]

do you have a dh around? family support?? anything?

[Serenitysutton]

You need to go to GA to get the support you need. Please please do this now. Cut up the cards and ask the bank for a cash withdrawal only card.

You've done this once before- you can do it, you really can. Whilst youre feeling like this contact the companies you do your main gambling with and ask them whether they have a voluntary addicts list and if so whether you can go on it. This means they will not send you promotions (I know how terrible they are at encouraging addicts like this) and could block you for registering. It's not fool proof but it's a step in the right direction.

You're not the first person to fall into this and you won't be the last. But you have a wonderful opportunity to stop the downward spiral here so good luck xxxx

[BatmanLovesRobin]

You did well to last for a while, hold on to that, and tell yourself you can do it again.

Transfer the money, and get to GA (or your GP) as a matter of urgency. You slipped up, but you can put it right.

Best of luck

[sleepingsowell]

You've just had a blip, that's all.
You did really well didn't you for quite a long time (and saved more than I've managed to save!)
I think rather than turning your anger on yourself, use that energy to give you the impetus to seek proper, expert help - because THAT will give you the practical thought processes and strategies to be stronger next time.
Use that feeling of your kids needing better - to make you make that call to get some help; that's what your kids need - a parent who is sensible and brave enough to get the right help.
You were so nearly there - keep going, the help is the next step! Good luck.

[wanttostop]

I will look up those websites, because clearly I can't do this on my own.

[wanttostop]

I am so angry with myself too, what a weak willed pathetic excuse for a human being I am.
Why can't I just be normal, like normal people? I want to be frugal and have something for a rainy day.
I keep telling myself that I am merely processing a transaction, and so long as I have the money to cover what I have spent, they probably wont care, but it's because I feel so guilty at what I have done.

I will go to the bank tomorrow, I will put the money in, then I will come home and weep for being so totally stupid and selfish.

[JaneFonda]

The NHS website has links to help for gambling addicts - they would be really useful. You won't be able to change without professional support; you've tried, but failed without anyone there to help you.

You've accepted that you need to make a change, good for you - now is the time to do it with the correct help, instead of making mistakes and feeling sorry for yourself.

[Sn0wflake]

Well I hope people will be supportive and constructive. YABU but you know that.

You need help with the addiction. But I'm not knowledgable about any of that. Hopefully somebody else can make good suggestions.

But it sounds like you should cut up that card and then tell the bank to not send you any more. Can you get a card that only withdraws money from cashpoints and does not work on the internet?

Should you move the computer to a child's bedroom so you will not sit playing on it when they are in bed.

New day and time to stamp this out.

[Flisspaps]

At least you accept you have a problem, and have the good grace to feel bad about it.

You need help - Gamblers Anonymous might be a good place to start.

The shame you'll feel facing the cashier is far less than the shame you'll feel if you don't put the money in and your children go without.