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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still want a third child ...

45 replies

zozzle · 25/04/2011 22:10

... after DH has said definitely no. He's been saying no for over a year but I still can't get the idea out of my head and spend hours thinking about it. DH has not found having kids easy - he loves ours dearly of course. When I tell him how I feel he tells me to try and find other people who've gone through the same thing to talk to. I have done this and it has helped a tiny bit.

I'm nearly 39 and have felt like this for 18 months. I work part -time with children and every time I see a baby I struggle.

I have two lovely kids a girl and a boy (7 and 3) and friends tell me I'm mad to want more and should be grateful for what I've got. I am very grateful.

When does the longing go away?

OP posts:

WentworthMillerMad · 27/04/2011 21:34

It could be hormones. I can't tell you how hard I had to twist DH arm to have our third baby. I managed and we had a boy - both agree that for us he has completely made our family. For me 2 was not enough!
However it is obviously more expensive and more work.
For me worth it - it's not all easy........and back to night feeds!

OmniaParatus · 27/04/2011 21:34

I don't think the longing for just one- or just one more- baby ever goes away.

I had my third (unplanned) DC, DS2 just 5 weeks ago. It has been hellish, he is a bad sleeper as are all my DC, DS is only 3.8, and DD 2.2, and they have been playing up as they are very small and it is a big change.

And yet yesterday I was out with them all and thought it would be lovely to have DC4 as they were all so gorgeous! DH has had the snip now so not to be!

There is a huge difference between wanting a hypothetical child and dealing with a real human being- if you wanted another DD would you be disappointed with a DS, or vice versa? Are you prepared for the child not being the picture in your head, but not how you imagined him or her to be at all? I had this with DS, had a picture in my head of a dark haired DD, he is a red haired DS! I love him to bits but he was not what I imagined him to be.

If you are sure, keep talking to your DH, say that you have thought this through and ask him to consider talking to other people who have had another child and how they felt- it is no more than he has asked of you, to really think it through. But you have to be prepared for the fact that if he still says no, you will have to accept it.

WentworthMillerMad · 27/04/2011 21:36

Good post omnia

LoveLeonardCohen · 27/04/2011 22:43

Hi I have 2 DCs and I really feel like I would like number 3...but I can't really say why as rationally and practically, 2 DCs is much more do-able IYKWIM. Also it's not as though I find looking after 2 DCs partcualarly easy, but I know this really intense bit when they are little goes fast. Two is such a good even number, it's easier to do things and get about, not to mention the financial implications etc etc but I still can't stop feeling like there is just another little DC there waiting.
Those of you who did decide to go for DC3, did you worry about the financial practical implications and now you have much longed for DC3, are those worries still so worrying?
I'm in the same boat as you OP

PercyPigPie · 28/04/2011 00:53

We worried about the financial implications LoveLeonard and the financial worries seem insignificant now that DC3 is here.

Gemsy83 · 28/04/2011 07:43

I find it odd in a way so many people say 'I eventually got DH/DP on board and we had another', surely some people must take their views in consideration and be grown up about it and not nag to get their own way?

BaronessVanGoo · 28/04/2011 07:57

Immediately as I had DC2 I knew that I'm not finished yet. I'll be sad if i don't have a 3rd (at some point, not TTC yet).

It's not to do with wanting a baby, DD is only 22 weeks. I have one of each, so it's not a gender thing.

Children are such a blessing that it seems natural to want to have just one more!

Gemsy if one party thinks something and the other has the opposite view, then the issue has to be resolved! Discussing your feelings isn't nagging. You can't say, "well I don't want any more children so i'm not going to talk about it any more". That negates the feelings of the person who does want more. I don't think that is fair.

porcamiseria · 28/04/2011 08:12

zozzle I know what you mean, I have 2 and my womb twangs for a third! but heres what I tell myself

I am lucky lucky to have 2 healthy ones , bloody hell I see and know people that are struggling goddamit, I do think we should be grateful for what we have, really.
we only have 2 bedrooms and ice cube chance hell of moving
cant afford a bigger car, and holidays would be off radar

but the biggie for me is that I work FT and am breadwinner, I do think I would struggle to give my limitied time to 3

I think you need to try and exercise some mental discipline, sounds wierd but everytime you have these thoughts tell them to fuck off, and try to repllace wth happy thoughts about what you DO have, sounds wierd but try it!

IloveJudgeJudy · 28/04/2011 08:36

Good posts Omnia and porca. We do have 3 DC, third unplanned. I did want a third, DH didn't, but contraceptive did not do its job properly. I love having three, so completely sympathise, but there are downsides and I think these are what you will have to focus on.

You also have to focus on the fact that you have two healthy DC already. I was very worried throughout my third pregnancy about the health of the baby. I didn't have amnio as I could not have made a decision if the result had been that there was something wrong with the baby.

If you have three DC, one is quite often left out (doesn't always happen, but it does happen).

Getting babysitters for three is much harder than for two.

YOu may need a different car.

If you've only got a three bedroomed house, two DC will have to share.

DH had the snip while I was still pregnant with number 3 so that is all we have. Perhaps you could suggest that to your DH then the decision will be taken away from you and that might help you.

Having said all the above, I love having three DC and now feel the family is complete. Actually, I would have loved to have four, but for various medical reasons, couldn't.

Good luck, OP.

Nixea · 28/04/2011 08:51

Actually, as much as it seems to be an unpopular opinion, I'm with Gemsy a little on this one. I know how hard it must be and completely believe the posters who say the longing never goes away, but why should one partners desire to have more children be more valid than the other partners wish to keep things as they are?

The most sensible attitude I've seen was the poster who rationally discussed it with her partner and came to the decision together, even knowing that it might not end the way they originally wanted it to.

Just flip it on it's head and imagine an OP saying that her husband was trying to nag/persuade/bully/sulk (not saying you're doing any of these OP btw!) his way into getting her to have another child that she desperately did not want...

Crawling · 28/04/2011 09:10

I felt incomplete after DC2 I had one of each but I felt someone was missing, I couldnt get past it. I spoke to my DP and he said no but not because he wouldnt love the third but for practical reasons.

After a year of me trying to move on (but knowing me as well as he does) he could see I was still feeling incomplete, so he said we would discuss again and if in 6 months I still felt the same We would have a third. He said he felt it seemed more important to me and his reasons were purely practical and that he would love a third but was worried about financial issues so we sat down worked out some guidelines that made him feel happier about a third and I am now 17 weeks pg.

I really did try my best to move on and hide it it was more the look he saw when I held a baby or saw baby stuff but I already feel different I feel like (providing all is well) this is my last my family feels complete. The ache has gone.

redundanttiara · 30/04/2011 17:34

I think it's really interesting to read about other families struggling with this decision. We have two wonderful children and would love to have more but, as things currently stand, it would not be possible for us financially. I know that it will be something I regret but understand why it would be a step too far for us.

york1 · 30/04/2011 18:35

I feel for you op. I feel the same at times. The crazy thing is that dh originally wanted 3 but now wants to stop at 2. I know I should be happy with my 2 especially as at one time I thought we wouldn't conceive. (Infertility issues) We really are so blessed with our 2 dc but I can't help thinking that a third would have been the icing on the cake.

olddeuteronomy · 21/05/2011 21:26

I have found this thread really interesting - my ds is only 5 months old, and I have a dd aged 2 (so one of each!) but practically since ds was born I have been having intense feelings of broodiness and wanting another child (not now, but within the next few years). This is making me feel quite guilty in a way, as I know I should be so, so grateful for the two healthy children we have, but I do feel a little as if my family is not quite complete. My partner is quite adamant we should stop at two, for financial reasons and so we can give them enough individual attention and I know these are very valid points. I am missing being pregnant in a way I never really did after my dd, probably as I knew then I would (hope to) have another. The thought of never being pregnant again makes me very sad, and I think this is a big part of it, so probably some hormonal instinct. I have had dreams about being pregnant and fantasised about names etc, which I know I really should stop doing.

Anyway, I am not going to make a big deal about these feelings with my partner at the moment as it may be some kind of post natal madness and they will wear off when I go back to work and normality - it is not as if I have found having babies/toddlers easy! Just good to know other people feel the same and I am not going totally nuts!

Ismeyes · 21/05/2011 22:10

This is a good thread.

I have 1 DD and intially agreed that we would not have any more. I've been desperate for another for around a year now. DH does not want one and I absolutely see the argument that it is a decision that both of you must come to. I have not pushed my point because I can't feel that I made him agree and that he didn't want any potential second child as much as the first. It makes me so so sad though.

bigbuttons · 21/05/2011 22:16

I think for some it does for others it doesn't. It all depends WHY you are longing.
I have 6, I am blessed but I want another but at the same time I don't, I really don't. I am struggling with the 6 I have. I am bored with toddler stuff, I wish I only had 2 sometimes , life is so restrictive with lots of young children and boring BUT I still feel a real lurch in my stomach when I see a pregnant woman.
I will not have any more, I do not want any more, but I do as well.
Sorry I haven't helped.

bumpsoon · 21/05/2011 22:28

I desperately wanted a third ,for years , my DH didnt , i got pregnant and he was horrible to me for most of the pregnancy , was completely disinterested in spending any money to buy equipment , hasnt bathed the baby yet and he is nearly 18 months , he is only just now showing a real interest in him ,but its hard to resist when the little monkey boinks you on the head with a football ! It has been very ,very ,very hard in so many ways ,BUT i can now finally move on with my life . So what i am saying is , have a third ,but be prepared for a rough ride .

GothAnneGeddes · 22/05/2011 02:07

Bumpsoon - Sorry but your husband sounds like an arse. No one should have to prepare for their husband to be a complete knob.

5DollarShake · 22/05/2011 02:51

Bumpssoon -

I have one of each; DD is 9 months old and a terrible sleeper - waking up countless times in the night and always has - and yet I still feel like I want a 3rd DC, so can relate to how you feel

I actually struggle with the babyhood bit, so it's not another baby I want, per se. I (well, we, since DH luckily feels the same) are playing the long game - it will be so nice to have more rather than fewer older - and then ultimately grown up - children around the house, coming and going, and having families of their own. Of course there are no guarantees of off-spring hanging around and living close by which we understand better than anyone (DH is Irish and we live in NZ). But this is what we have in our minds. The hustle and bustle of kids and their friends and partners, etc...

As I say, I'm fortunate in that my DH and I are on the same page, but can definitely relate to how you feel, and how irrational it is.

jabberwocky · 22/05/2011 03:49

I was this way about having dc2. There were problems with ds1's birth, I had terrible PN PTSD and dh was adamant that there would be no more. But as I got better mentally, I could not deny the tremedous longing I had for another child. I knew that it was a huge leap of faith to try for another but ds2 is such a joy, he is almost ethereal. And, as soon as he was born I knew that my family was complete. So, I have no idea what that means in the whole realm of things but can definitely sympathize with what you are going through.

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