Can't cope with Partner's high standards

[Oneofthethreewitches]

Please help me, I feel like I am beginning to lose it. Sorry its so long.

I have a 6 month old son with my partner and a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Met my partner about 4 years ago. When I met him had my own v modern house and had successful career. I was financially independent, had a great cleaner and everything was good. He moved in quite quickly and DD now calls him Daddy.

We outgrew the house and bought a Victorian house that we both liked knowing that it would need quite a bit of work done to it. The mortgage is at a rate that we can both afford. We knew that we wouldn't be able to afford to do up the house quickly because we don't have that much extra money.

At the time of the move I was 6 months pregnant with DS. DP is useless at DIY, works 12 - 13 hour days and can't really do anything around the house in terms of improving it because he isn't home. We got a professional in to do DS's bedroom - replaster, paint etc. He found fault with the plastering but no one else can notice it (plaster is a tiny bit bumpy on a small section of the ceiling). He spent significant amount of time in the room looking for other flaws. Asks me if I will paint over miniscule cracks in the plaster.

I am good at DIY, a great cook, good at cleaning but absolutely hopeless at tidying up. I try to do too much and the mess just gets bigger. Up until the week before I had the baby I was climbing ladders, painting, sanding etc. I was also working in my proper job.

Had DS by C-Section and he was 10 lbs 2oz. After baby was born I continued with the decorating but with less mobility initially. Had my mum come and stay for relatively long periods of time to help me with the baby because I couldn't move around easily in the beginning or take DD to school etc. My mum also stayed so that I could go to work and take DS with me to breastfeed. I am self employed and need to work to stay solvent. DD at a private school and have to pay her fees. Have the sort of job that allows me to work when it is financially worthwhile. Did 10 days work over the first 4 months of DS's life.

When my mum was at the house DP changed dramatically. Became huffy. Kept asking me when she would leave. Found minor faults with bits of DIY I had done. My mum is fantastic at running a house - everything v. clean, great food, brilliant with the baby . . . He kept asking why I couldn't have his mum come and help. Explained that after a C-Section need your own mother in the house (my mum is a retired nurse). My mum sensed the atmosphere he created and told me that Partner reminded her of protagnist in Diary of a Nobody.

Have no gone back to work but it is taking a bit of time to build up. Went back early because got fed up with him assuming that I am responsible for everything in the house. Have a nanny who comes to the house on the days I work away from home otherwise I am at home alone with the children. We don't have a cleaner at the moment. He leaves at about 7 am and comes home between 7 and 8 pm. When he comes home he goes on a tour of the house inspecting. It drives me crazy. Last night he came home and said hello to DD. DS already in bed. He went upstairs saying he needed to get out of his work suit. When he came downstairs could sense he was huffy. I was preparing dinner and clearing up kitchen. Asked him what was wrong and he said that I had left the cupboard doors open and he nearly banged his head and I had left a wet towel on the floor of DD's bedroom. Clarified that in fact I had left wardrobe open, that there was absolutely no danger of him banging head whatsoever (it was a complete lie) and towel was left by DD without my knowledge after her bath.

I went absolutely crazy with him. Told him that I expect him to be positive when he comes home. That it is impossible to be perfect. That I have far too much to do with the baby and DD on school holidays and my own work and that it was graceless of him to be huffy/grumpy because of something so small. He is just so petty I don't think I can cope with the next 20 or 30 years with him. I need someone with some spirit of largesse. I told him I am sick of him being so petty. Can hardly bring myself to speak to him. AIBU?

[FriedSpamButty]

I actually don't know anyone who does take this shite from their other half. They are all bolshy like me. The slightest suggestion that looking after babies/toddlers is easy or a 'rest' from being in an office whilst simultaneously cleaning/cooking/housekeeping has resulted in a day out leaving Daddy at home and in charge for a good 12 hour shift.

They are changed men after that!

[Rillyrillygoodlooking]

I have started another thread in relationships, but I just wanted to say, although DH sounds like a twunt, he does actually do a lot of house work, all the DIY when it needed doing, and does some of his share of looking after the children.

He can get completely over the top about house work though.