to not want my in-laws letting themselves in?

[Newmummytobe79]

Hi ladies,

Here's one for debate ... AIBU to be annoyed that sometimes my in-laws let themselves in with their 'emergency' key?

They have no rights on the house (in fact my parents have more rights than anyone due to a very kind deposit 3 years ago but they'd never dream of letting themselves in!)but my in laws 'pop up' when we're at work every now and again and it makes me see red! (they blame their visits on dropping off husbands redirected post/family invites/birthday cards etc so could easily post them! or just come and see us once in a while when we're in the house!)

I told my husband this annoys me but he just said he'd drop a hint. For as much as I can tell it stopped happening for around a year ... but it happened again a week ago.

I'm very house proud when I KNOW guests are coming - but when I dont I often leave a bra on the back of the bathroom door, dont clear up toast crumbs before rushing out of the door in the morning ... and I really don't want my in-laws rumaging through any post I may leave out.

We're getting a new door in a few weeks ... hence new keys but as my father in law is fitting it I just know he'll get himself a key cut 'to save us the trouble'.

I'm due in August and if it happens after our baby is born I will go mental! How do I put a stop to this now without sounding like a b*tch? By the way - husband's mum is very touchy and will take it the wrong way however we say it - so tact please ladies!

I know some people will have no problem with this (they let themselves in at their daughters all the time and it doesnt bother her) but it drives me mad!

Help please! x

[fedupofnamechanging]

If they just have a front door key, you can fit a safety chain and leave that on. When you go out, use the back door. This only works though if they don't have a back door key.

When the baby is born, keep your front door locked and leave the key in. Your ILs will be unable to just let themselves in.

Also like the idea of borrowing back the emergency key and then not giving it back.

I do think that you shouldn't have to do any of this though. Your DH should ask them not to do it

[Snowdropfairy]

My inlaws did this and i just asked for the key back.

They give me the wrong key and when i found out two months later and asked them for the right key back.

I just want the house to feel like my home and not an extention of theirs.

They still give us all their old or second hand crap. This week it was cups and both me and my DH told them we did not want any.

If they turn up with some i'm going to tell them i'm putting them in our gardge with all the other crap they have given us.

I think the worst is crap toys and keyrings from the 2p machines from their anual seaside holiday.

It drives me nuts so now i set out the boundaries very clear.

I would just tell them how you feel.

or do it to them and then make a deal that no one goes in to the other's home with out the owner there?

[Lizzywishes]

That would drive me round the twist! Do you have a burglar alarm? If so, change the code and don't tell them it. If they ask, make some excuse about changing it frequently for security, and that they should just remember to tell you if they have some reason they really need to be in your house without you. When you're home alone with baby ALWAYS put the chain on.

[GloriousGoosebumps]

This scenario would also drive me absolutely crazy. Surely the answer is to have someone other than your father in law install the new door, that way he never has the opportunity to cut himself a key? You'll obviously have to pay to have the door fitted but better the cost than having absolutely no privacy in your own home; and never again make the mistake of giving them a key! In the alternative your going to have to install a burglar alarm.

[sparkleshine]

How rude of them. Get the key back asap. It's worked once before, it will work again, but it will get worse once baby is here.

You do not want them walking in when they feel like it...what about when baby comes and you are (possibly) BF, nice and relaxed not caring that your boobs are out because nobody is there to care.......suddenly in walks your FIL, eyes right where they really shouldn't be. (shivvers)

My mum has a spare key but uses it only when I'm in and expecting her and have forgot to unlock the door beforehand. Or for genuine reasons when we are on holiday.
The in-laws have a key but have never used it. Don't come that often...we go there.

Agree on the safety catch and using back door.

[TooManyBlossoms]

YANBU

My Dad does this; he turns up unannounced and just walks in - it drives me up the wall especially if I'm on nights and am woken by him shouting hello in the middle of the afternoon.

He originally had a key when I first moved in 10 years ago, so he could be here for carpet fitters etc while we were at work, looking back I should have taken the key from him then . I haven't got the heart to ask for the key back now.

[Beamur]

It is unreasonable if they just come round for no reason..
My inlaws have a key, but live hours away, so we know when they are coming and they can let themselves in if we're not home. I could leave our bank statements on the side and know they would not dream of being so rude as to look at them.

[BattyNora]

Bolt the door they have a key for and start using another door for everyone else to come and go. They still have a key - but when they try to use it wont be able to.

Wont be much use in an emergency though. Anyone else you can give an emergency key to?

[bluebump]

YANBU, my DP used to leave the door on the latch so my in laws could let themselves in, I just used to flick it shut. Mine have often hinted about having a key to our house but having heard all of these type of stories from my SIL who actually let them have a key i'm not that daft!

[MrsH75]

Both our sets of parents have keys but they don't just come and go as they please into out house and neither do we in theirs! Inlaws only live round the corner but they usually ring before coming round.

Christ, talk about lack of privacy. What if you wanted to walk round the house naked, or have sex on a kitchen worktop!

Perhaps that's the answer? You need to embarrass them!

[TechnoKitten]

Am I really the only one who wouldn't mind my MiL having a key, letting herself in as and when whether I'm in or not? I'm not the tidiest in the world but what's the worst she can do, some cleaning? (for which I would thank her!). I also have no problem with her reading my bank statements or the company accounts with or without asking though as it's online she'd find it tricky.

She didn't stop becoming my husband's mother when we married. She is grandmother to our sons. Our home is her home.

[sparkle12mar08]

No technokitten, your home is YOUR home, not hers. It's really not.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Yanbu. I find it astonishing that people don't like to set boundaries between themselves and their parents. Its almost like never growing up. I have a key to my mum's house for emergencies only - there is absolutely no need for me to go and let myself in when she is not there. I wouldn't dream of it.

[alemci]

both my mum and in laws have keys and we have the keys to their houses. never been a problem with mum.

my in laws were annoying though and used to turn up uninvited but did ring and not let themselves in. we were having a bit of peace and they would appear. they don't seem to do it as much now. if they did let themselves in the house i wouldnt mind.

[chocadoodle]

YANBU

I used to have the exact same problem with PIL and their "emergency key". When I was pregnant with DS I had the same fear as you, that when the baby arrived they would be turning up unannounced or letting themselves in if I chose not to answer the door for whatever reason.

Although DH didn't have a problem with this he knew I did so he asked them to call before visiting as that's what "we" prefer. Yes they were put out (it's not what they, the rest of their family/friends do etc) but they have had to accept that's what we do. They might be touchy about it, but will be ok by the time DGC arrives (sounds like they're nice people generally?) If they ask to know why they just need to be told that you would prefer to see them at a mutually convenient time, no further explanation required.

Don't let it stress you out, your DH needs to deal with it :)

[treas]

YANBU - I had the same issue with my own MIL but she learned pretty quickly not to do it after she kept finding the snib / snub down on the front door.

Mind you, you would have thought she would have learnt her lesson after opening my BIL front door to find him and his wife Shagging on the lounge floor!

[oohlalabonbons]

Is it bad that I wouldn't mind my mum and dad doing this but if my PIL did it...
But maybe that's another thread !!

[northerngirl41]

I'm totally with you - no in laws unannounced is the rule in this house. Because even if I'm not running round half naked, or hanging dripping knickers over the bannisters, or in flagrente with their son, it's just bloody annoying.

Rather than extracting the keys from them, could you add an extra lock "for security" and just not give them the second key? Either that or borrow their set back for some visitors and just never refurbish them with it.

[sourdoughface]

my mum does this to my sister and it would annoy the hell out of me, not sure if sister minds or not

she doesnt do it to me due to the very large dogs who would knock her over if she did

[dawntigga]

DP does this at his mum's it makes me do this face . I wouldn't dream of it myself! I'd have that key back by pretending to lose mine one day.

DoNotGiveItThemBackTiggaxx

[PorkChopSter]

Change the new lock immediately, or get an extra lock put on. It's a slippery slope!

We have a Yale lock and a key hole on both sides type lock. My parents had a set and at one time my dad would pop over & now the lawn. Then it turned into them both coming over to rifle through my things help out. So we changed the Yale lock. Now they can let themselves in only if I've put the Yale lock on the latch I.e. on my terms. I think they have been caught out too

[PorkChopSter]

Change the new lock immediately, or get an extra lock put on. It's a slippery slope!

We have a Yale lock and a key hole on both sides type lock. My parents had a set and at one time my dad would pop over & now the lawn. Then it turned into them both coming over to rifle through my things help out. So we changed the Yale lock. Now they can let themselves in only if I've put the Yale lock on the latch I.e. on my terms. I think they have been caught out too

[OTheHugeDaffodils]

I think you should embarrass them into good behaviour. Announce cheerfully that since you got pregnant you've become incredibly horny, and you wouldn't want them being embarrassed by interrupting you at it so could they please ring before coming over?

[Starlight9]

I would just tell them, or get your SO to?
If they are going to take it the wrong way then so be it! But that is your home and you should feel comfortable in it without panicking that they will make an appearance. I freak if even my own mother visits without giving me notice! Just hint that you are super tired with pregnancy etc, and ask them to atleast drop you a text before calling down..

[sum1killthepawpatrollers]

zombie.....