AIBU to have hung up on my bloody mother.

[redderthanred]

FURIOUS does not cover it.

She is pissing me off.

Im divorced ( or getting divorced) Ex Dh and i work out weekends between us. I didnt get DD as much as i would have liked over xmas, but i thought it was best i had her, at home, and quiet before she started school a few days ago, so i forgave my time at xmas for that.

Firstly mother kept bangign on and on, saying how sorry she felt for DD and ahow unfair it was that she couldnt be with me... In the end i told her to shut up and she was making me feel bad. There was nothing i could do, its not what i would have wanted, but that is her dad, she has fun with him and was fine.

So, she started school, her dad came to ger her just now and shes gone up to his.
Mum called and then started going on how it wasnt fair and DD should have stayed home with me this weekend. DD actually didnt want to go this weekend, but she didnt tell me this until her dad was on the doorstep. Shes gone now and will be fine.
Her dad is also having her a few weekends in a row as hes away for most of feb and march and isnt going to see her at all then.
Mum starts this rant about how unfiar it is on poor dd who will be tired from just starting school and how im not putting her first by letting her go.

I told her i was going to hang up as she was offending me and i put the phone donw.

GGGGRRRRRRR

[redderthanred]

Thanks.

Makes me feel a bit better.

I know ive made the right choice. Her dad and i both agree and pretty painlessly came to the arrangement.

Its taken a lot of work, and comprimise to get to this point though.

If i had listend to mum we would still be fignthing like cat and dog.

DD is loved, and is happy. Yes, she might be tired, but shes going to be tired, im bloody tired from going back to work this week. Such is life.
Quiet weekend and a few early nights is all it needs.

It just pisses me off so much that she sees fit to criticise so much when she was ( and is, so far from the best parent in the world)

I shall adopt the broken record approach, it wont chanage anything though.

But, its not her decision, its mine and to say im clearly not putting DD's best interests first, when that IS what im doing is crap.

[Snorbs]

You, and your ex, are doing a great job in making sure your DD continues to have a good relationship with both of you. I know it's not easy to do and working out the right compromise can be very difficult. But it is most definitely in your DD's best interests.

Remember that. It's important.

Your mum is flat-out wrong. Wrong in what she's saying, wrong to try to interfere, wrong to think that her opinion is more important than yours, and wrong to repeatedly hassle you about it. She should be supporting you, not trying to drag you down.

This may be a good opportunity for the broken-record approach. Whenever she starts kicking off just say "I am happy with the decisions I have made for my daughter. I do not want to discuss this with you" and then keep repeating it word-for-word for as long as it takes for the message to sink in.

[SkyBluePearl]

can you just tell her that you are not prepared to discuss the fine details of childcare arrangements. End of - and if she starts just change the subject.

[missmehalia]

And what would her solution be? (Presumably, that DD never sees her dad unless Granny controls it all??!)

You are clearly thinking of things entirely from your DD's perspective and how it will be for her. You are a marvellously mature and wise mum. And you clearly worked all that out on your own, not sure you've had the most fabulous role model.

No, you're not being unreasonable. If the 'conversation' with your mum is actually a one-way diatribe about your daughter spending 'too much time' with her dad, then your mum's not listening to you. Hanging up is the only thing you can do if she won't listen to you.

Try and find another way to let her know what the best ways are for her to be a fab granny to your DD. And a supportive mum to you.

Maybe this is all about her jealousy about him or his family getting more time with your DD than she is!!

[LittleMissHissyFit]

I have to say that I admire your agreement with your Ex, that is fantastic, you and he will raise a fabulous DD together in all this. Bloody Well Done!

You need to leave your DM to stew in her own juices for a while, she is way over involved in your life and is criticising for the sake of it.

You have called her on it and she is still doing it. The hanging up is the only way to deal with it now, you have told her you don't accept her criticism, she carries on and so the only thing you can do is end the call.

Keep repeating the 'If you insist on criticising me, I will insist on hanging up'

You are your DD mother, not your Mum, she has no right to interject when everyone that is a party to it, IS happy with the arrangements.

[chipmonkey]

You and your Ex sound like you are working eveything out nicely and fairly between you and it's great that your dd gets so much time with her DAD, who your mother needs reminding is not some nasty stranger! Yor dd is very lucky to have 2 parents who will put her first and an hour in a car is no big deal.

[spidookly]

Yanbu, but your mother is. Vvvvv u

you haven't sent her off with strangers so you can kick back and relax.

She's with her DAD ffs. So she is "home"

It sounds like you and your ex are doing a good job of give and take over this, and it must be hard on both of you. You are definitely doing best by your dd by making sure she sees plenty of her Dad and having a co-operative parenting relationship with him.

The last thing anyone in this situation needs is her sticking her oar in and trying to cause trouble.

She should be proud of you.

[Decentdragon]

It was just a thought :)

Let her huff, and be the grown up, you clearly are by the way you and ex are managing things.

[redderthanred]

nope. she hardly saw her at the weekends.
really rarely.

Its basically because ive not done what shes said. Shes the most judgemental person in the world and its her way, or you are wrong.

Its not her decision to make. Its my child and i shall do what i think is best, not what she thinks is best.

Shes just the most controlling person. and when you dont do what she wants. or expects you to do, or thinks you should do she gets in a huff.

She can huff away. because im not having her interfear with my DD.

[BlueCollie]

You are doing a fantastic job and are putting your daughter first. She has two homes now and your right it makes no difference where she is she will still be tired. Don't listen to your mother she sounds like she has some other issues going on there. Did she used to see your daughter a lot at weekends? Maybe she is missing that if she did. Put the phone down everytime time she starts going on just say 'i have told you that this decisions are not your business and that both me and ex are doing what is best for our daughter so she feels loved and wanted by both parents now goodbye' She'll get the message eventually. Wish my DH ex was like you.

[Decentdragon]

Congratulations on you and ex putting your child first. :)

Your mum sounds quite childish, but I wonder if she thought you might fall back on her for care and is feeling excluded from her grandchild by your arrangements?

Not suggesting you should change them, just wondering if it might be behind it, she sounds at a loose end.

[redderthanred]

well. its not improved today.

She didnt want to discuss it, but then has called me to ask what im doing today, and when i said' this and that' rather than telling her she got huffy and hung up on me.

wonderful

[hackingandhewing]

You should get your Mum to read some of the threads on here where people have terrible trouble over access.

Perhaps then she'd see that you and your ex are doing all you can to make things amicable and easier on your DD rather than some of the twatish ex's on here who are either not interested or make lives hell for their DCs.

Sounds like you and Ex are doing a great job - I don't bame you for being miffed with your mum.

[camdancer]

"Mum, remember that chat we had a few weeks ago? Well you are doing it again. Please stop criticising things and making me feel guilty. This is a difficult situation for everyone and you aren't making it any easier."

Or stfu! Your choice!

[PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid]

"she said she was sorry and wouldnt do it again.

but she was. worse."

Could you just repeat "Mum we've talked about how awful, guilty and unsupported I feel when you do this. Could we talk about something more cheerful now please" over and over and over until she finally gets the hint?

[HaveAHappyNewJung]

YANBU it sounds like you are working really well with your ex - that's no small achievement!

Why does your mother feel the need to spoil it? If DD is happy she should be too. Maybe she's trying too hard to show that she's on your side?

[redderthanred]

i tried that a few weeks ago when she was complaing about the breakfast club situation, and then the xmas situation.

I said it made me feel awful and very guilty in a situation that i could do nothing about, other than doing my best, which is what im doing.

she said she was sorry and wouldnt do it again.

but she was. worse.

[slopingsite]

Redderthan -. I'm a family lawyer and wish all parents would be as child centred when making arrangements for their children (although I'd be out of a job :o). Sounds like you're doing a great job. Mothers! Who'd have 'em .

[PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid]

YADNBU and a huge well done to you for putting your DD first (which includes maintaining a close relationship with her dad, if your DM hasn't noticed!) and for being so mature and unselfish in your cooperation with your ex.

It sounds like your mum is getting a bit overwrought about your DD's welfare - well intentioned but a bit insulting to you. Could you tell her calmly how undermined this makes you feel, at a time when you would really appreciate her support in ensuring that your DD doesn't suffer as a consequence of your separation from her dad?

[redderthanred]

Ive just called him to check shes ok. I cant hear her nattering in the backgroud. Shes fine.

We have sorted dates all the way through to easter, hes not having her over easter, but is having her a for about 5 day to coincide with when my holiday contract child minder is off.

Its just a bot of give and take and swapping it about.
SOmetimes neither of us gets what we want, but thats how it is. As long as its best for DD then thats what matters ( ie, i only got xmas eve and xmas day out of 10 days, but got her at home just before she started school, worse for me, better for her, her dad would like to have her easter sunday, but wont, as he wil have her when her childminder is off. worse for him, better for her)

[iloveyankees]

I echo what everyone else says. Sounds like you and her dad are doing a great job and your mum should be pleased he has such an active role in his daughers life unlike some parents that split up. I would tell her to butt right out of it

[redderthanred]

Give him his dues, he is very good with her.
He might not always deal with everything in the same way i do, but hes a far better dad than he was when we were together.
And, for the most part, he does put her first.

And yes,she is tired, but there is no difference her being tired with him, than being tired with me.
Where ever she is she is going to be tired.
Hes going to bring her back early for the next few weeks as well. maybe 3.30pm instead of after tea as well, so she can realx and get and early night before school.

I think we do ok in the situation that we can.

Im going to call mum back and re tell her, its my decision, its my child and that if she cant say anythign nice, then to keep her opions to herself.