to expect DH to actually go to bed

[Fibilou]

dh has been on late shift the last 3 days. he finishes at 11.30 and gets home about 12. And then stays up until 2-3 am watching TV. then has the cheek to moan the next morning that he is tired. I was particularly annoyed yesterday as I was at work at 8am, he stayed up until 3 and got knocky because I told him to get up and sort out the baby. Now he knew he was looking after her for about 4 weeks so it was not a surprise that I dumped on him.

I have worked shifts all my life until I went back from maternity leave so I know that you need a bit of a wind down when you get in but FFS, 3 hours ? When you know you're looking after the baby 5 hours later ? And then be too tired to actually do it properly (he made her stay in bed with him all morning )

He thinks I am being unreasonable; I hardly get a minute to myself nlow I am back at work and frankly think he is behaving like a child

[MouldyMoldie]

I agree with you absolutely peeringintothevoid, just thought you were saying she deserved a smack, which no-one does imo. More crossed wires than a bunfight I think :)

[peeringintothevoid]

MouldyMoldie "Of couse her slapping him didn't solve anything, but an eye for an eye? Really?"

I shouldn't have said "Because frankly, that's probably what you deserved." - that was too strong. The OP didn't 'deserve' to be hit, but she shouldn't have been surprised or outraged if he had hit her back. I feel strongly that if you hit someone, you should be prepared for them to hit you right back. A man gets (rightly) pilloried for hitting a woman, yet a woman hitting a man is seen as somehow more acceptable. It's not.

[HelenLG]

I was thinking the same thenightsky anyone who works 9-5 gets a lot more wind down time then 3 hours...

Also, what someone chooses to look at on the internet is their choice, it doesn't really matter whether it was porn or not. I'd be pretty pissed if my DH had a go at me for the time I went to bed and what I looked at on the internet.

That said, he should be able to look after the baby. Again tbh, I'd rather DH spent time in bed with DS and everyone was safe rather than him getting up, popping him down on a mat and falling asleep on the couch.

[thenightsky]

3 hours to wind down after work isn't that much. If i get home from work at 5.30pm, I wouldn't be going to bed at 8.30pm.

[mayorquimby]

"He does need to buck his ideas "

why? what's he done wrong?
I've seen loads of times on here "I'm knackered today. aibu to keep the kids in their pyjamas and snuggle up in bed with them watching movies under a blanket?" or some variant of such a suggestion, and it is usually met by unanimous "yanbu, sounds brill" etc.

[pilates]

I was beginning to feel sorry for you until I read the slapping. He does need to buck his ideas up but that is extreme behaviour on your part. Have you ever slapped or hit him before? I think you need to apologise to him and sit have a chat about how you are not happy with the way things are at the moment with a view to resolving the situation.

[MouldyMoldie]

peering, that was a weird thing to say. Of couse her slapping him didn't solve anything, but an eye for an eye? Really?

[newwave]

You saw he had been on porn sites, in this day and age who dosent know how the remove their surfing history

[peeringintothevoid]

What, and her slapping him solved anything, did it?

If you're not prepared to get back what you're giving out, then you shouldn't lash out.

[ConstanceFelicity]

"I take it you wouldn't mind if he'd slapped you straight back then? Because frankly, that's probably what you deserved."

Wow. That would have solved a lot, wouldn't it?

[peeringintothevoid]

I think YABU. It's not up to you how long he winds down for after a late shift - he's an autonomous adult, not a child. I can understand why you're irritated with him, but it's not up to you to dictate his bedtime or what he does/doesn't do when he's looking after his daughter.

And as for the slapping.. I take it you wouldn't mind if he'd slapped you straight back then? Because frankly, that's probably what you deserved.

[SuePurblybiltByElves]

Hold on, that's very sad about your friend but it doesn't mean that you have to accept your DH behaving like that. Obviously you shouldn't have hit him (imagine you've got that message by now!) but he is still acting like a knob.

for the MC.

[Fibilou]

One of my best friends miscarried today :( I feel ashamed that I made such a scene about something so trivial and behaved so badly when other people have far worse things to deal with.

Thankyou everyone who has given me a kick up the bum.

[mumeeee]

I quite often need 2 or 3 hours wind down time sfter I have been on shift. Okay he shouldn't be looking at porn until 2am and he should look after the baby properly, But sshouting at and slapping him is not adult behavior.

[mayorquimby]

what do you do when shouting at the top of your voice doesn't work? well you don't slap him for a start.
What a god awful justification for hitting someone. Screaming wasn't working so I had to slap him.

[Bluegrass]

Slapping definitely not a good idea. Effectively he is now a victim of DV, unless of course anyone is prepared to discount hitting if it is a "one off", or they were "asking for it", or it "wasn't that hard". I hope all gets sorted out OP, it sounds as if you both may need a bit of outside help.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

Where's she gone [worried]

[snowflake69]

There is nothing wrong with staying up looking at porn or being up late but sometimes you have to get up in the morning and look after your child. I often spend ages on the net looking at sites/porn or go out clubbing but I can get up if I need to look after our daughter even if it means only having 3 hours sleep.

I definitely dont think you should of slapped him.

[Limara]

Fibilou, in a conflict situation walk away. You know your right, he knows your right, we know your right so what actually is there to prove? It's how YOU respond that's important. Obvious that slapping him is not the answer is it? Has he seen your point more after his slap? NO.

[ConstanceFelicity]

Also, if DH slapped me, I would leave him immediately.

[ConstanceFelicity]

Fibilou, I'm not blaming you. I don't agree with the slapping, but I think your H was a nob. I don't know what I would do if my H told me to "fuck off" tbh, I think it shows a huge amount of disrespect.

I would be livid about the porn too, but after reading the porn threads,I think I'm in the minority there...

[Casmama]

I agree that you should be pissed off and that he is being an idiot but reverse the situation and imagine what people would say if your dh had slapped you because you told him to fuck off.

[simara]

YANBU to be annoyed with the way he is behaving but YABVU and abusive to slap him