Living with an alcoholic

[nobodysdaughternow]

This is so unbelievably shit.

I recently found out dh's drinking again.

Called Al-Anon helpline. I can't make him stop and everything I could do is utterly counterproductive.

We settled on him telling me before he drank. Last night he had hall and bottle of vodka before I realised.

I hate the deception. I can't stand it. He is a proper alcoholic and just wants to drink.

He hates himself so much, I am worried he may kill himself.

I want to keep our family together but I'm not sure I can or should.

I am consumed with terror. Childhood abuse and parental alcoholism robbed me of my birth family and now I may loose the person who has loved me unconditionally for the last 20 years.

The pain is excruciating.

[DustyLee123]

He doesn’t love you, he loves alcohol, but he needs/wants you.

[BritInAus]

Please leave. Yes of course we all wish we could save our marriages/relationships and keep families together, but sometimes leaving is the better, safer, saner option. If you have kids, keeping them in the same house as an alcoholic is unsafe and incredibly damaging. Please be brave and leave. Life is so much better on the other side.

[BritInAus]

And I promise you, the pain of living with an end stage alcoholic, and trying to protect your children and your own mental health from that, is far more excruciating than no longer being in a relationship with someone who prioritizes alcohol over you could ever be.

Honestly, the worst bit is the part between realizing that it needs to end, and saying the words. Once you've separated, the rest will work itself out. You can do it.

[tribpot]

I am worried he may kill himself

Not wanting to be unkind, but he is killing himself either way.

I want to keep our family together but I'm not sure I can or should

I'm assuming this means you have children? They need to be protected from witnessing this. It may be easier (and certainly less damaging) for him to retain some type of relationship with his children for longer if he isn't living with them.

Keep talking to Al-Anon. You can't change what he does, you can change what you do.

[LividTwunt]

I’ve been there.

We didn’t have kids but were married.

After several years of Al Anon I left to save myself. Because there is NOTHING he can say or do that you can trust. Even if you think he’s sober, you’ll always be worried.

I’m so sorry. I KNOW how hard it is. But start detaching with love and save yourself.

[YnysMonCrone]

I've just come out of a 30 year marriage with a man who was always a drinker but has been a serious "full time" alcoholic for the last 10-12 years. Has been in hospital several times as well as prison now for things he has done while drunk.
It was very very difficult to leave due to the manipulation, he too said he would kill himself if I did. I managed to leave with the help of my adult children.
While I can't deny trying to divorce him is also tough due to the manipulation and gaslighting, it is so much easier than trying to live with it. My children wish I'd left years ago.

[AnonymousA1]

This absolute bullshit.
you can love someone but the addiction doesn’t care, it takes priority over everything.
OP I’m so sad for you , the deception is the worst part.
Only you can make the choice about what to do. He will be hurting when he’s sober , but that doesn’t mean you have to stay.
This is hurting you enough without someone telling you he doesn’t love you,
addicts are selfish x

[Rotterdammer]

I am sorry but his primary relationship is with alcohol not you. He will drink himself to death anyway.

You need to get your kids away from him. It is incredibly damaging. My life was ruined by having an alcoholic father and my Mum refused to leave until me and my sibling were in our mid teens.

I would also recommend getting psychotherapy as you seem to be repaying the patterns instilled in childhood. I say this as the descendant of a long line of alcoholics.

[Wolfiefan]

OP I’m so very sorry. He doesn’t want to stop drinking. That’s clear. (He said he would tell you before he drank. So he was planning on drinking.) Your only option is to protect you and your kids. Don’t let the cycle continue.

[BritInAus]

OP, not one person who has been where you are now is going to say 'definitely stay. It's worth it.'

We've all been through hell, and whilst getting out isn't always smooth sailing - and there is pain, heartbreak and regret involved - plus grieving the relationship you didn't have because of the addiction - I would bet my life 100% of us would be happier and saner not living with their addict.

[user7637292]

@BritInAus

And I promise you, the pain of living with an end stage alcoholic, and trying to protect your children and your own mental health from that, is far more excruciating than no longer being in a relationship with someone who prioritizes alcohol over you could ever be.

Honestly, the worst bit is the part between realizing that it needs to end, and saying the words. Once you've separated, the rest will work itself out. You can do it.

This.

I lived with my alcoholic husband for nearly 10 years. The fear of me walking away and thinking he would kill himself kept me trapped in an unhappy marriage for too long.

Once I made peace with that fear, I left.

[nobodysdaughternow]

He is a calm and gentle man. We have worked so well together as parents, right from when the kids were babies. He works hard to maintain the house, cleaning and diy. He is careful with money and loving with the kids and me.

He is also an alcoholic who is incapable of choosing me over drink.

My Dad was a violent alcoholic and my Mum a cruel emotionless void. It makes it so much harder to believe that dh is an alcoholic. I know he is though.

[nobodysdaughternow]

He was sober for the last three years. I am actually gutted by his lies and no longer under the illusion that he will be able to get sober again.

He has said he may go to AA. But you are all tight - waiting for him, watching him self destruct will kill me and the kids once they realise.

Fuck fuck fuck.

[RampantIvy]

I want to keep our family together but I'm not sure I can or should.

You shouldn't. Your children will end up hating their dad and disrespecting you for staying. This is what happened to my SIL, who now leads a lonely existence since her husband died from his alcoholism. She devoted her life into looking after him instead of leaving.

Please listen to @BritInAus

[junebirthdaygirl]

It might be more helpful for him if you asked him to leave as its only when they reach Rock bottom that some get help. While he is with you and the dc he is being propped up and kept standing. So it might be easier for you to decide..l need to be cruel to be kind. Has he been in rehab? Proper live in treatment centre? He needs to go. He also needs to have consequences when he drinks.Not life continuing as usual. It's horrible for both of you. You have my sympathy.

[BritInAus]

I really don't mean this to sound blunt, if your kids have one parent who is an alcoholic, then the other parent really needs to step up and ensure that the kids are safely separated from that situation - however hard it is.

Would you send your kids to stay with an aunt and uncle, or grandparents, or a babysitter, who was an alcoholic? Of course not. It's also not ok just because he's there dad. He might have been the most wonderful, gentle, loving, kind man once upon a time - but right now, your priority has to be minimizing the very real danger of long term effects on your children.

[BritInAus]

@junebirthdaygirl

It might be more helpful for him if you asked him to leave as its only when they reach Rock bottom that some get help. While he is with you and the dc he is being propped up and kept standing. So it might be easier for you to decide..l need to be cruel to be kind. Has he been in rehab? Proper live in treatment centre? He needs to go. He also needs to have consequences when he drinks.Not life continuing as usual. It's horrible for both of you. You have my sympathy.

I agree with all of what you say - but have to warn against the black and white thinking of 'once they hit rock bottom they will get help.'
This isn't always true. I used to think this about my ex. Except when she hit rock bottom, she stayed there, firmly -for a good 15 months. Until she died.

Rock bottom isn't always a revelation that sees the addict immediately and successfully change their ways and recover. Sometimes people hit rock bottom and remain there.

[nobodysdaughternow]

I am reading and listening to all of your posts.

I have contacted my counsellor who I have seen on and off for 15 years and a close friend to ask for their advice.

I am generally a strong person but this is such a head fuck.

What I am getting from the responses here is that even if dc don't see him drink and he is a withdrawn drunk, it will affect them, won't it?

I need to know I'm doing right by them. I know that I agree with everything that's been said and know it's the reality but I just want to protect my kids.

They will be so sad and confused. One of our children has a mental impairment and will not understand at all.

Practically, I can cope alone. He will leave the house quietly (he does everything quietly) but emotionally it will push me to my absolute limits.

[BritInAus]

Yes, 100%. It's not about if the kids see him drunk or not. It's about their emotional wellbeing, and their safety. It's about protecting them from the time he gets in the car with them way over the limit / leaves the gas on / falls asleep holding the baby and smothers them accidentally / passes out and forgets to make their lunch etc etc etc. All the things that could be tiny 'oopsies' or could actually endanger their lives.

And alcoholism is a progressive disease. He is very likely to get worse, and worse, and worse.

On a practical note it'd be wise to separate before he is worse and you can't protect them anymore.

[BritInAus]

And your kids deserve to have a mum who is happier, saner and calmer - not one weathering the storm of living with an addict 24/7.

I cannot imagine for one second that your kids wellbeing would be better if they continue to live with him.

[LividTwunt]

He could be “sober” the next ten years, but the worry would never go.

You’d tell yourself that he’d changed, he knew what he nearly lost, that he wouldn’t be so stupid, that it had been such a long time yada yada.

And one day your spidey senses would tingle.

And you’d realise you were in the same position AGAIN but ten years further entrenched in it. And it’s harder to leave because xyz.

[TheOtherHotstepper]

My XDP started again a few weeks ago after nearly ten years of sobriety and within days was in hospital.

It does happen and I really struggled with it, even though we have been apart for many years.

[Romy73]

I know I am late to this thread but I wanted to check in and I hope you are ok? I sincerely hope you don't mind me saying this - but it seems to me that because your father was a nasty abusive drunk and your husband is not, you have put up with it. Probably a lot longer than you should have because its not that bad if he isn't abusive right? Nothing you will do or won't do, will make any difference to his drinking. It just won't. I know that is really hard to hear but honestly, I wish someone had told me that 10 years ago. But now I don't live with him and I realise how I spent years treading on eggshells and waiting for the inevitable. Like Mr Ben on acid... who is he going to be today?? I never realised I was so stressed because I was so used to it. I wish you well and I hope you find your peace.

[Autumnleavesfalling23]

Hi OP
I’ve just read this old thread, it’s where I am now. How are you now?