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How to help when they won’t help themselves

OddshoesOddsocks · 09/09/2020 12:32

Hi everyone, first time poster on this board so I hope the title doesn’t come across intensive but wasn’t really sure how else to put it!

I’d appreciate any advice as this is all new to me.

I’ve been with my partner for 9 years, we have 3 children and he has another from a previous relationship.

We’ve always drunk but very rarely to excess and mostly on Friday and Saturday nights ‘not on school nights’.

I’ve noticed over the course of the year that my partner is drinking more, again not to excess but definitely more.
What used to be 6 pints of beer over the course of the weekend went to 2 a night and now to 3/4 a night. I know this is usual for lots of men, I work in the pub trade and see many regulars sink more than that in half the time but the fact remains that it is unusual for him.

He comes in from work and the first thing he does is open a beer, he’ll then have a beer on the go constantly right up until he goes to bed.
He’s also smoking more than usual, he used to just do it at work but it’s creeping in at home too.

I’ve spoken to him about it and on the last occasion told him I’m worried. I was told that it bothers me a lot more than it bothers him so it’s my problem. This is the first time he’s been so defensive which was a red flag, that’s mostly what’s driven me to post today.

There’s a lot going on at the moment, obviously in the world, but in our lives too. We’ve just had our 3rd and although he’s good with her, he definitely has less patience than he had with the other 2.
He is also being kept from his other child and is in the process of going through the courts for access.

He’s not been furloughed, he’s worked throughout lockdown as normal but isn’t a key worker so his work hasn’t really been impacted by Covid.

So I don’t really know what to do. I know he sees a problem but doesn’t want to tackle it. Do I just sit and watch him spiral until he asks for help? Is there anything I can do in the meantime?

Sorry that’s so long, I wanted to get as much info as possible and not drip feed!

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AFitOfTheVapours · 10/09/2020 09:19

I assume you mean he’s drinking 3/4 every night now (sorry if I didn’t read it right!) and, as you’re on this board, I’m assuming you are concerned he is developing an addiction. In which case, the short answer to what you can do is, unfortunately, nothing.

You did not Cause this, you can’t Control this and you can’t Cure this.

If you are going to try to help, you need to have the above squarely in front of your mind and be ready to accept that he might not want to be helped. Whatever you do, do not get sucked in to the merry-go-round of trying to be his rescuer.

All that said, alcoholism (if that is where he is headed), like most things, is easier to treat in the earliest stages. You could try getting him to the gp, to AA or to a counsellor. Above all, look after yourself. That is the one thing you do have control of here.

Good luck!

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OddshoesOddsocks · 12/09/2020 11:38

Thank you for your kind reply @AFitOfTheVapours, I was worried that I’d be ripped to shreds because in the grand scheme of things I know it’s barely on the scale of alcoholism but I can see if escalating and want to nip it in the bud. Unfortunately he doesn’t.

I’ll keep the conversation open with him but won’t pester. He’s the kind of man who needs something suggesting so he can poo-poo it only to suggest it himself in 6 months!

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