Lovely adoption types, come and say soothing words to me please

[bran]

This is long, really long, but a short summary is as follows.

My DH and 4 yr old ds are very keen to adopt again. I'm wavering a little, not least because DH is a workaholic so I will be doing all the childcare. DH does loads when he's here, but he's not here much and he often simply fails to come home when he said he would if he gets busy. He doesn't drive and DS's potential new school is a drive away so he will only be able to do the school run by taxi or a longish journey on train and tube, although I think he only did and average of one drop-off and pick-up per term at DS's old school which was 10 mins from his office. I'm sure you've heard me whinging about him before.

We were recently short-listed for a little girl (thread here). Since then DS has had a lot of trouble at school and we have removed him (long thread here). We told our social worker about this thinking (hoping on my part) that the little girl's social workers would pull out of meeting us. We met them yesterday and were very upfront that he had been showing behaviour issues in school and would be moving to a new school. We also said that we could be sure that he would be ok in the new school and that we didn't think it would be a good time to adopt another baby if DS didn't settle and had to be taken out again.

I think you can guess the rest, as with any job interview that you don't think you have a hope in hell with and are not sure that you want anyway, they chose us.

I am really torn. She is adorable (from her written info and photos), and her background and personality are so like DS was at that age. She is exactly the child that we would want if everything else in our lives was peaceful and orderly. But on the other hand if DS isn't happy at the new school (which he will start on Monday if he's accepted following our interview this Friday) and DH doesn't move back to live at home as he has promised (he spends 4 days a week abroad) then I am signing myself up for a couple of miserable years.

[mabanana]

Don't be ashamed of having a cleaner - increase her hours! Being a mostly single parent must be hard. I do agree with whoever said all parents feel wobbly about having a second child and worry about the impact on the first, and mostly find it is a hugely positive impact. My ds has had problems at school (SN) and I can honestly say that having sisters is the most wonderful thing for him imaginable. It makes home not just a refuge, but a place where he can socialise and play without any effort of arranging playdates with suspicious parents! It teaches tenderness and also negotiation skills, even if you end up tearing your hair out when those 'negotiations' go wrong.

[KristinaM]

still not sure that I understand why this little girl will suffer if ds is at home becasue he isn't settled in school?

or is this about you worrying how you will cope with two children at home all day when you are used to one?

or is it that you had planned to have lots of one to one time with new Dd, just as you had with DS? and now these plans might be scuppered?

Sorry, not getting at you, just trying to clarify in your own mind

is your anxiety about the change of plans which you had carefully worked out or is a gut feeling that this isnt the right child for your family?

are you normally a flexible go with the flow person or a planner who gets flustered if things change? I am the latter so i know it would make me anxious

if you want her i think you woudl be mad to delay handover for a month. she is only tiny and you will never get that time again with her - its too precious to lose

why be about having a cleaner?? if you have the money and you spend it on help rather than designers shoes, that's your choice. i would caution against getting help to look after ds though, as he is bound to feel left out. I would use help to do as much housework as possible, so you can spend time with the kids. especially the baby as she will need a lot of your time to bond to you.please make sure you get a nice slow handover from FC, as it will help her. Don't be hassled by Sw agenda

i note your pleas in mitigation of your Dh's behaviour

[BabyBaby123]

i'm not an adopter but just read your post and definately think you should go for it - if you want her, then you should say yes. Other things going on for you atm will seem so insignificant in a couple of months - i'm sure your ds will settle fine at school and even if it doesn't - what's the very worst that could happen? There is never an ideal time to have a new baby but if she's meant to be yours, which it looks like she is - then go for it!

[bran]

We have decided to go for her. We have a few months in hand to sort ourselves out, so hopefully everything will be calm and settled before the handover.

I think I was so discombobulated by this whole thing because I felt we didn't have a hope of getting her and had come to terms with the idea, and even convinced myself that it was just as well given DS's change of school. I still think I would have made a different decision if I were the SW, but then I don't know anything about the alternatives. Even before DS's school problems I wasn't getting my hopes up because when we were waiting for DS we were short-listed several times and didn't get chosen.

I think I may have come down to a more normal level of feeling over-whelmed.

[Littlefish]

I'm so pleased you've come to such a positive decision. I'll keep everything crossed for you.

[nickerless]

Bran, congratulations!
I knew you would go for her. Your post of Tue 18-Nov-08 23:05:42; where you wrote: 'She will be 13 months when she moves to us in February.' Said it all.

[Issy]

Congratulations Bran!!

If it helps at all DD2 turned up at the "wrong" time: I'd just been given a great promotion at work, we were fighting a bitter battle with our neighbours over the road who wanted to knock down their house and replace it with a ginormous block of flats, I was mildly depressed with seasonal affective disorder and it all happened with about two days notice and months before we expected it. TBH the first four or five months were tough, but it all resolved itself and five years on I've hardly given it a second thought.

Wrong time but right, right, right child and that's all that mattered in the long-term.

[Kewcumber]

I was so tempted to say "if you don't want her I'll have her" but suspected that wasn't really the done thing to say

[mabanana]

congratulations on your pregnancy

[bran]

Thank you everyone.

LOL at Kew. I wonder what the SWs would have said if I had phoned up to say "We can't take her, but I have this internet friend, whom I've never actually met, who would be perfect".

[bran]

Oh, and Kew, I think you should post your umbrella company story on the Least Professional Moments thread.

[KristinaM]

you just wanted an excuse to use the word discombobulated , didn't you?

glad you are feeling happy with your decision. do let us knwo how monday goes, wont you?

[bran]

It's a great word isn't it? There just aren't enough opportunities in everyday life to use it.

[KristinaM]

Hmmm...getting an idea for a new thread

in pedants corner i think, rather than here

[bran]

at the thought that I may have made some terrible error and you are going to shop me to the pedants. I fear them and crave their approval in equal measure.

[PheasantPlucker]

Haven't been on for a while, so only just saw this. Many congratulations, I am glad you made your decision and I wish you loads of happiness.
When we adopted dd2 my husband had heard he had just had what was potentially a 'chance of a lifetime' opportunity. He turned that down, so we could concentrate on dd and celebrate her. I suppose things have a strange way of panning out. And, incredibly, the same opportunity for dh came the following year! We couldn't believe it!
I am very pleased for you.

[KristinaM]

wot? soem terribel error? and me wif my one fingered typing ??

No i like to save my outrage for posters who criticise SN parents who are probably on the edge anyway and will be tipped off it by their interfering smartarse best friend/ sister/neighbour telling them they are doing it wrong

and posters who say " i've always fancied adopting" . as if its a hobby like knitting ......[sigh]

[KristinaM]

how are you feeling now bran? have you had a chance to discuss it more with your Dh this weekend?

[bran]

I'm feeling fine - mostly because I'm not thinking about logistics at all. I figure we can wait until January to start worrying about turning the study into a bedroom and where to put all the computer stuff, how tough the handover is going to be (it's about a 2 hour drive away and DH doesn't drive so it's going to be a pain), what to do about our persistant mouse problem, whether to put down a wood floor or keep our manky carpet for a bit longer, whether to hide DH's passport so that he can't travel and various other things that I can't remember because I'm NOT thinking about them.

I must go, DH (who doesn't drive, did I mention that?) has just said that he needs a lift to church right now and I'm not showered or dressed or hair-brushed or anything.

[KristinaM]

oh you ARE an awful worrier!!! i thought i was bad

i meant how are you feeling about having a beautiful baby girl toddling about in a few months????

BTW she's a baby. we have had several of them and i can promise you they don't care about manky carpets, wooden floors, computer cables and mice. you are the only one who cares

in 10 years it will not matter about the carpet and Ds's problems in school will have been forgotten but you will be blessed with two beautiful children

i think we shoudl have a whip round here on the adoption threads and get your DH some driving lessons for Christmas. Do you think that would embarass his enough?? [evil grin]

I have also thought of hiding my Dh passprt but it woudlnt work as he has two [thwarted]

Living in London has clearly turned you into a city girl if you think that 2 hour drive is a big deal [wimp emoticon]

[bran]

I'm still here, DH has left in a sulk on foot saying it'll be my fault if DS runs into the road and gets knocked down. I'm looking forward to him not being away all the time, he's really overstretched at the moment and doesn't have the capacity to organise doing up his own shoes, let alone realise that it's raining and he's promised to make food for the parish lunch in time to a) make the damn food or b) give me some notice that he will need help to get it to church.

Now that the decision is made I'm not thinking at all about the what-ifs because there isn't really any point. If DS does continue to have problems with school (and I don't think he will) then we'll sort it out later, but I'm not going to plan for it now. DH and I thrashed out an agreement about minimum changes we need to make, ie he will spend no more than 3 nights a month away from home on average. There are 8 points and I put them in an email and sent them to him, and made him email back an acknowledgement (even though he was sitting beside me ), so hopefully things will improve there.

[KristinaM]

oh he does sound like a big kids i'm afraid! no wonder you are fed up with him

did you really mean 3 nights a MONTH? Or three nights a week?

[bran]

Yes, 3 nights a month abroad, but he also gets another 6 nights a month out after the DC's bedtime, rising to 8 nights a month when the new dd turns 2. Before he started working abroad he used to be home about 30 mins before DS's bedtime at least twice a week which was great because DS was usually in the bath already and DH would just do the rest of the bedtime routine.

In the true spirit of an AIBU thread I should give you more info about this morning

DH was NBU because

1. he got up early with DS and let me have a lie-in;
   
2. I was being fairly slobby by not being showered and dressed by 11am;
   
3. he genuinely forgot that he had to provide a dish for lunch;
   
4. he hadn't been slobbing around all morning like me (he was sorting out our shares and doing some of his work stuff);
   
5. he's knackered because he was up late last night sorting out flights (for his work and for Christmas) and complicated arrangements for his db and family who are arriving tonight;
   
6. it was pissing down.
   
   I was NBU because
   
7. it's his choice to go to church and bring DS, he could have left DS with me today;
   
8. he could have asked me when he put the rice on for the lunch dish which was 40 mins before he had to leave;
   
9. I had already told him that I woke up with a crick in my neck and can't turn my head to the right which isn't ideal for driving, I was hoping a hot shower would loosen it up;
   
10. he should bloody learn to drive instead of claiming that he doesn't need to because I can;
    
11. DS is very unlikely to run into the road, I usually have my hands full when I'm walking with him and he's very road safety aware;
    
12. the church is only 10 mins walk away, it takes longer to get everyone into the car and drive than to walk, plus we have to walk to the car park here and can't park very near the church so they would get wet anyway.