Post adoption support with a young teen

[REignbow]

Hi,

We adopted through an agency over a decade ago and have also not lived in the UK for many years.

We have just moved back, partly because of the difficulties we are experiencing with our DS which seemed to have exploded since hitting adolescence.

When he was at primary school he was always well behaved etc. However, at home (since early childhood) we experience meltdowns, extreme anger, sometimes the throwing and destroying things. He can be extremely mean to his sibling and me as his main carer.

However, since starting the equivalent of secondary school these are now happening at school and also more extreme at home. He has also started to refuse to attend school and tends to refuse to do anything that is asked of them.

l suspect that our DS is ND but we have been told that as they were okay at school….it was our problem! We did have an assessment/counselling where we were told they suspected ODD or a personality disorder, however our son refused to even talk to the psychiatrist and would only speak through us.

We would like to access post adoption support to get the help he needs.

So? Do we contact the agency he was adopted through? Do we contact post adoption where we now live in the UK, or where we previously lived?

Any help would be most appreciated. We are really struggling as a family.

[FunnyFinch]

but we have been told that as they were okay at school

even though you say the extreme behaviour is since starting the equivalent of secondary school these are now happening at school ?

you need to progress an assessment as a top priority

[FunnyFinch]

What agency?

[REignbow]

@FunnyFinch

What agency?

PACT

[REignbow]

@FunnyFinch

but we have been told that as they were okay at school

even though you say the extreme behaviour is since starting the equivalent of secondary school these are now happening at school ?

you need to progress an assessment as a top priority

I agree!

He always held it together but now is shouting at staff, refuses to do homework.

Im constantly being told I’m dumb, no one likes me. He will constantly make digs….

We moved back to get more family support and to get him assessed (and also be given tools to manage them).

Frankly we are at the end of our tether

[121Sarah121]

It might be worth meeting with the school too to lower expectations regarding homework. That’s a fight you don’t really need to have. Also, consider what supports they can put in place to keep him in education. Is a reduced timetable right for him? Smaller classes? What’s their concerns?

also, contact both the agency and your local social work team. Ask for a referral to camhs (although this is a long, slow process). School, sw and gp can all put referrals in from their perspective. Have you taken him to gp to discuss mental health? Did the person doing the assessment make any recommendations? Can you access therapy? I know this is hard to access at the moment. Have they have any life story work? Is this an area that needs to be reviewed?

I am not really sure I am any help but I hear how hard things are in so many areas and that sounds overwhelming for you all.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

3 years post adoption support moves rom placing LA to your home address LA.

We have had v good support from Adopt South in recent years though possibly a more straightforward situation than yours.

[sunshineandskyscrapers]

If you have funds I would look into private assessments for ASC and ADHD as well as therapeutic support. None of this is cheap however.

If not, this is what I would do, although you can expect waits at every turn.

• ASC/ADHD referral usually goes through the school, but they will need to provide evidence of x months/terms of support with no improvement before you can even get on an NHS waiting list. Wait times after referral, depending on the area are around a couple of years or possibly more. In your position, I would ask the GP for a referral to clinical partners right to choose. This should get you seen quicker. Look it up on the internet first so you can go in knowing what you're talking about. More people are clocking onto this now, however so wait times are also increasing for this.
• If your son is still in school, consider taking him out (deregistering) as it sounds like he is completely burnt out from it. This would put the onus on you to provide him with an education, but this doesn't need to be 9-3 school at home. It can be out and about or online (or a mix) and based on his needs and interests.
• If he stays in school ask for a meeting with the school SENCO and explain your concerns. There are some great SENCOs and some not so great ones. They are all stretched extremely thinly though. Ask for a referral to child mental health services (expect a long wait for this). Ask the SENCO what support they can provide without a diagnosis. Make sure your school is claiming pupil premium plus for your child and ask them if they could use it for therapeutic support. Make a referral to the virtual school. You can do this yourself online. This may or make not make a difference. It could give you some leverage in helping the school to use the PP+ wisely.
• Make an application to the adoption support fund. This will be with the local authority for the area where you live now. This is also a bit of a postcode lottery in terms of support. I referred my son about a year ago and it looks like after a few different assessments that didn't tell me anything I didn't know he will get some therapeutic support in April.
• Reduce demands at home. Look at ways to promote his self-esteem as he seems to be very down on himself.

[onlytherain]

You can ask for a

• CAMHS referral via your GP
• assessment paid for the adoption support fund via your LA/regionalised agency
• privately fund an assessment

It sounds like it could be ADHD with or without ODD. Often in the mix is ASD. For a brilliant overview on ADHD:

Your LA is responsible for post-adoption support. In case you adopted via a voluntary agency, check if they also offer additional post-adoption support. Coram, for instance, does.

When you talk to professionals describe the situation on a bad day. Don't sugarcoat things. Make sure you tell them everything. If he has threatened to kill himself, mention that. CAMHS waiting list goes by risk. If there are siblings, describe risk to the siblings. Count his ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences), if he has a high number, mention that. Many professionals are aware of the risks attached to that. Document everything that happens and how often: physical or verbal aggression or violence towards you, teachers or household items, school refusal, detentions, how long can he focus, friendship issues, etc.

Waiting times often are long, but you can also get "lucky" (or be in a really tough situation). It took us three month from referral to diagnosis. Things will go much faster if you have a professional back what you are saying, so it may be worth paying for one, but probably only if your child engages.

Contact the SENCO and ask about what support they are putting in place. Find out who the LAC teacher is at the school. What are they doing to help him?

You could also contact/join the Potato group (parents of adopted teens). https://www.thepotatogroup.org.uk/ and Adoption UK, both have good advice. Have you taken part in a non-violent resistance course? You could get that funded via the Adoption Support Fund. There are lots of videos on youtube. Some children respond well to the techniques.

If it is ADHD, medication makes a huge difference.