Bedtime regression

[Noimaginationforaun]

Writing this in tears here.
LO has been home for 3 years. He’s nearly 5. We’ve had the same bedtime routine for that long. Family tea time, relaxing time together (TV, puzzles, games etc). Bath or shower. Story. Bed. Then he has a night light and has some time to wind down with his own reading/Yoto.

The last month ish has been pure hell. He’s been running out, mimicking us, laughing in our faces, bouncing on the bed, trying to bite/hit. It’s been awful. We’ve tried everything. Feelings diaries, talking before bed, no TV screens (he doesn’t have a tablet), positive rewards, consequences, shouting, calm, putting back to bed not talking.

Nothing is working and tonight I’ve just sobbed. It is so stressful. He is nearly 5. Neurotypical as far as we know and 98% is the loveliest, kindest, funniest boy I know. We never have this behaviour any other time apart from bedtime.

I feel like I’m failing.

Anything happened recently that's rocked his little world? School? Family?

What times bed time? Has he always slept well with that routine? Does he sleep in his own bed all night? Have u tried letting him stay up later?

Sounds like your at breaking point, hope you are ok. I'm sure it's a phase keep telling yourself this and remember he isnt suddenly being naughty he's communicating something to you through his behaviour (which is what I tell myself as I drink wine and reflect on a stressful day myself with my 3 nearly 4 yr old...)

I don't know if it'll help, but the laughing is likely party of the fight/flight response rather than genuine laughter. Your description sounds very like MiniFool when dysregulated and the laughing was a huge trigger for me. Maybe separation fear, being left alone at night?

Bedtime in the week is about 7, with him reading/yoto until about half past until he dropped off. We recently introduced weekend family film nights which he loves and meant a bed time probably around 8:30. He always slept all the way through, and now he is (finally) asleep, he will probably sleep until about 7-8 in the morning. We’ve never bed shared (apart from 2 nights on a holiday where there was a bit of a disaster with an accidental night time nappy swapped with a swimming nappy and our boy ended up soaked in his bed! And another night when he had croup and I slept with him after a night in a&e).

I definitely think the laughter is a nervous thing but, to be totally transparent, some nights it is easier to keep that in mind than others. Some nights it can go on and on and on and I have all the patience and do all the returning to bed/talking about feelings/setting the boundaries firmly and calmly but other nights (tonight) we both just ended up shouting and then in tears. It’s hard because we are not a shouty family at all. I hate it so much and everyone just feels shit afterwards!

As far as we can tell, his routine has stayed pretty consistent. In Autumn, we had some tearful bedtimes because he’d just started school and he didn’t like it but that seems to have settled now he has made friends and we haven’t had the ‘I hate school/no body likes me’ worries for months. The only thing he usually laughs/shouts at us is ‘I don’t want to go to sleep’.

Hmm not an easy one then. We've always had sleep nightmares even now at nearly 4 and placed for over 3 years he doesn't sleep through and always in our bed by 1am and up by 630.

I'm guessing this is a phase. I would lose the later film nights if this is coinciding with the timings of sleep issues. The films and snacks etc may be over stimulating and change in routine scary when outside what he knows. Could be a regression and u may need to dig out some old familiar younger books. Do old things you stopped doing as he got older to help him through this stage.

His sleep needs may have reduced so think about activity levels Vs amount of sleep he's getting.

Talk to him about bedtime in the morning when u all calmer and ask him why he thinks he is getting angry or sad at bedtimes now and maybe you'll get some insight.

Good luck 🤞

I completely get this. When you have one part of your day that you think you can rely on to go right and then all of a sudden it doesn't, its awful, especially if any other part of the day is rocky and you need the evening to relax a bit!

It might be a phase, but sometimes you need to do something to kick start getting out of the phase and into a new routine. We tried a million things, and some of them work in different combinations at different times, some of them not at all. We've never really gotten to the bottom of why either- nobody, including lil sproglet can tell us, so we are focusing as much as we can on strategies. The Internet (browsed at 10pm after several returns to bed) suggests 4/5 is a hormonal time, which might be linked to altered sleep patterns. Then again it might be trauma. Or a battle for control because you know he has you by the short and curlies. Or something he has copied from school. Or or or....

Anyway, some stuff we have tried in various combinations:m with various levels of success:

• Night time essential oil stickers
• New duvet cover
• Constant conversations about sleep and how it helps your body be big and strong- are there any TV programmes about it I wonder? Talking with another adult in front of him about your own bedtime routines, other people going to sleep etc
• visual timetables about the order or the night
• a gro clock saying to stay in bed.
• Rotating dinosaur night light
• Audio books available during the night, not just at bedtime
• Choosing new sleeping PJs
• Lots of playing with dolls, putting them to bed, putting teddies to bed
• Choosing an eye mask
• Deep pressure cuddles with a duvet
• Weighted blankets, blankets tucked in tightly
• Taking a novel item to bed with him- he has slept in the bed with a lego brick before.
• Vetiver diffusion (works better than lavender)
• He gets to choose a story from the library to read
• Milk before bed to make sure his tummy is full
• Sitting in his room pretending to sleep (or sometimes genuinely sleeping lol) to body double for him. Means you get a moment to pretend to wake up and act confused as to why he is awake and take a breath to regulate yourself before telling him to lie down for the billionth time.
• Guided meditation (lol- that one didn't work for us at all because his demand avoidance kicked in but an NT child might find it helpful). We have a tonie box but I bet you could get similar for a yoto
• us reading a book or scrolling our phone and completely ignoring him unless he gets out of bed, at which point we say the same thing and point at the bed or return him to bed.
• A sound machine with water sounds.

-so much exercise that it feels like I'm running a military boot camp. I'm talking enforced park time, extra swimming, walking for miles and time in the garden. When bedtimes get bad we up the physical exercise so that they at least have no physical reason to not be sleepy. I'm dreading when he stops being in reception and has to sit at a desk for a lot of the day, I guess we will have to start doing after school marathons or something.

• back to PJs, ours sleeps well in a fluffy top on top of his PJs but not in a fleecy onesie, the other really likes wearing socks in bed. Maybe trialling a few new sleeping outfits might help?
• blackout blinds as the nights are getting lighter

Something that stuck with me recently was that ND kids don't always need exactly the same thing, sometimes they need a bit of novelty built in to engage with a process but the bones of the operation to be the same because otherwise the boredom is a scary feeling.

You could also keep a sleep diary and consider going to the gp for melatonin or further support.

Like I said, we never got to the bottom of it, but sleep regression is a killer. If you can, try to tap in with someone else- an hour on and an hour off bedtiming might help. Make a grown up sticker chart for yourself and get the requisite amounts of chocolate in and a decent book.

Sending lots of sleepy vibes to your LO!

Hi Op. I really feel you on this. We've had so many different phases of night routine and sleep. Bed time, transition to bedtime and when needing to poo but unable to recognise the signals all seemed to trigger manic giggling. It really triggered me, I think because I knew there was something wrong and I couldn't work it out. I eventually worked out that she saw bedtime as a huge separation and I think her response was anxiety. I found it really really difficult to stay calm in the moment but when I did and made lots of time for connection before bed it helped somewhat.
What really helped though was having her mattress on the floor beside our bed. She slept in there for about a year in a half until just before Xmas. She decided she would be in her own bed for Xmas and that was it. She's 8 1/2.
I think at 5 they become more aware of the world around them and their wee brains can go into overdrive processing it all but are unable to articulate the feelings.
This may not be the same for you but a shared experience is sometimes helpful.

Ok so last night, after a really lovely Mother’s Day, was pure hell. An hour and a half of screaming/crying/heightened stress (from all of us).

Tonight we are trying settling him down, with the light on in his room, after we’ve said goodnight he can have 2 cars and a couple of books to self settle and then I’m going in after 10 minutes, then 15 minutes to check in. His attitude changed totally as soon as I said this tonight (he had started laughing/bouncing on the bed etc). He’s said sorry without any prompting to do so.

I am really, really hoping tonight is a better night.

That's interesting that he calmed down when you said you would return...Maybe the idea of staring into the abyss of a nighttime is too scary for him right now, I wonder whether saying to him that you will come and see him every 15 minutes until he goes to sleep might reassure him? Maybe even somehow set up a timer for him to see and watch? That way he might be less antagonistic because he knows you haven't gone for such a long period. Then, hopefully, with reduced anxiety, he might be able to sleep better. You could even over time reduce it to popping in between other upstairs jobs- I forgot to mention that before we regressed to where we are now, we were able to leave the room "to tidy our bedroom" and basically potter around upstairs putting away clothes etc because he could hear us moving about and knew we were there. They seem like halcyon days right now, but we definitely did it!

Don't get me wrong, it will be a bugger to keep going in, but maybe better than what is happening now?

Yes, agree that it sounds like separation anxiety. The laughing sounds very familiar too and it's so difficult not to feel frustrated especially at the end of the day when you're ready for a break. We've had some long periods like this and it can really get you down. Hope this evening was a calmer one.
Someone else has suggested getting rid of the later Saturday night so this may not be right for you but I'm wondering whether it's time to put bedtime back a bit? Especially if he's waking up between 7 and 8 in the morning. 7pm sounds early for a nearly 5yo to me, mine would have been running around screaming for at least an hour at that age if we tried getting them to bed at that time, then of course after an hour of it there is a lot of nervous energy to keep expending. Is it possible that he's past the exhaustion of the first term of reception and doesnt need to go to bed quite so early? It means some readjusting of the routine including how you and your partner spend your evenings, but might make for calmer bedtimes if he's more ready to sleep. As I say, may not feel right in his case but thought it might be worth considering.

Ok we finally have one asleep boy! With calmness all round. We kept popping in all night. Whenever we went the loo popping in for a cuddle and a ‘we’re just tidying the kitchen downstairs’ etc. About 15 minutes ago, he got up and said he felt something in his teeth (there was nothing there) so I took him back in his room and we laid down for a cuddle. He started talking about he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him because he wasn’t good last night and we had a chat. I just explained that everyone makes mistakes and does not good things sometimes and when that happens, all we can do is say sorry and try not do it again. He piped up ‘we can say sorry and give cuddles and kisses too Mummy!’ He then told me he loved us the whole world and I said mummy and daddy loved him the whole world
too, no matter what and he fell asleep!

I’m not saying we’ve cracked it and every bed time will now be a dream but I will 100% take the popping in every few 10 minutes for an hour and have everyone calm over all the stress! I think we’ve all felt stressed tonight so I think it’s just taken him a while to put words to what’s in his head.

Parenting is hard!

(Also yes @Confusernme , definitely adjusting bedtimes from here on out to a bit later. Tonight, the timings were all out I think because we were all so on edge after last night!)