Scared and very unsure

[Pickle53]

Firstly as above I'm scared and unsure so please be gentle with me.

I recently began a foster to adopt placement of a very little one which I've been looking forward to for a long time. It's very unlikely they'd go back to birth family of any kind. Baby is easy as babies go and very sweet. However much as I'm trying, though also trying to relax about it at the same time, I feel very distant from baby and like I'm practicing affection and love rather than actually doing it if that makes any sense. I'm also on my own though I do have a very good support network. I'm finding it far more difficult than I could have imagined though in a sense there's nothing practically wrong. And I'm terrified that I've done the wrong thing for me and little one though I know I'm good with children and experienced and have a reasonable understanding of trauma etc. I have long term health stuff going on which was largely under control but this past few weeks things have flared up massively which has been so hard and I dont know if it's a one off or if I hugely underestimated health things. I don't know what to doqa For various reasons a lot of the Social Work meetings haven't happened yet either. My friends and networks are so supportive and I think they'd be devastated if things went wrong. Maybe its fine and I just need to calm down, I really dont know. I don't know anyone who I feel like I can admit this to in real life so I'm here. Thers probably more thoughts whirling around in my head but that's all I can manage for now. Sorry...

I’ve no experience of foster to adopt and my two were 2 & 3 when they came to us, but the ‘practising affection’ rang so many bells for me. We really struggled at first, not necessarily with the kids, but with what you described, the massive change in lifestyle and the pure drudgery and routine of each and every day. I also felt like I should of felt happier than I did, all of our support network were thrilled - I’d wanted children so badly, I could hardly tell them it wasn’t all sunshine and roses.

Love doesn’t just happen, it takes time, at the minute you will be in survival mode, just getting through each day, which is exhausting in itself. Maybe that is why your health condition has flared.

I would try and push for those social worker meetings, keep them on their toes in case you need extra support.

If your support network is good can you plan an afternoon to yourself in the near future and plan something you will look forward to?

You will be ok, it’s a very strange experience with complex feelings to work through.

I didn’t do FTA but found those early days of placement among the worst of my life. Post adoption depression is very very real.
There will be wiser and and more eloquent people than I come along soon I’m sure, but just want to tell you that you are not alone in feeling like this and things do get better x

As other posters, I didn’t do FTA and did traditional adopted but your ‘practicing affection’ rang so, so many bells. I genuinely thought in those early days love would never come, but that I would always look after them because it wasn’t their fault.

It changed! We are now 2 1/2 years later and I have never felt a love like it! It does all settle. It takes a bit but you are very normal!

I did I fta straight from hospital with a newborn and I’m also a single adopter. What helped me enormously was my SW telling me that I was only committing to fostering for now and focussing on giving lo the very best start I could and taking one stage/day/sometimes 10 minutes at a time.

Looking back, I think I was protecting myself (& lo) from falling to deeply in case it all went wrong and lo went somewhere else. It was like I couldn’t quite believe that she was here and mine. I found that I fell deeper in love with her at every stage of the process as it became ‘safer’ to believe she was staying. I also felt tremendous guilt at all that birth family were going through and their loss despite all they had done.

Go easy on yourself and keep posting here. There is so much experience ready and waiting to offer support xx

I did F2A and can completely relate to the sudden uncertainty. A huge part of Foster to Adopt involves guarding yourself while providing deeply loving care.

Would it help to reframe how you see the giving of love? For a new born showing love is providing attuned care - being atrentive with feeds, changing them when needed and keeping them warm and safe. That is what you are doing. That is love.

I think all your thoughts and feelings are normal. We'd wanted to be parents for so long and were excited for our LO to come home. I remember the early days of just feeling exhausted, unsure of myself and to begin with just felt like a babysitter. These were not the feeling I had expected to feel. Life has now settled, I enjoy our little routine and couldn't imagine life without our LO in it.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone and taking the time to write, I really appreciate it. I'm really trying to consider if this is realistic for me to continue with the placement awful as that sounds. I don't want to give up but I do want the best for little one and a sick foster/adoptive mum, potentially for a good while, is not the best even with a good support network. If I wasn't on my own it would be different. I'm so tired and in pain I could cry. I saw every hour of the night last night which I know is normal and not little one's fault. I think this might be all I can manage for now but maybe more later. At the same time I don't want to wrongly give up on those dream and if I do I might not get to do it again. This felt like an answer to my dream of having children but now I'm not sure it is. And I don't want to let anyone down, most of all little one. I know friends and family would be upset though I know that's kinda secondary. I'm supposed to sign all the forms today too...

I would encourage you to be completely honest with yourself and not be frightened of your honesty. I am sure you have very high expectations of yourself and that can be so tiring.
Please do not take on any pressure, real or imagined, from friends and family. While they are your support network, it is your life and the life of the child. If you decide it's not for you, know that you have made the right decision - you might have some what ifs, almost inevitable, but struggling on against your true feelings might make your health worse and could create resentment.

In your heart of hearts do you know your true feelings ? It might just be a wobble or it could be you are worried to admit the truth to yourself ?

I would hold off making a decision. It is early days and when you in pain, it’s hard to think objectively. Only you know how your health impacts on your daily living and if you are able to meet a little ones needs while meeting your own. Speak to your social worker about it all. I am sure it would have been discussed prior to matching and during the assessment period. Sometimes the reality isn’t what you imagine but it might be a case that you need to rethink your coping strategies now your health and meeting the needs of the baby conflict. I wish you all the best.

Thank you again everyone, had a good cry this afternoon when I took little one for a walk, it was a good job nobody else walked past. I also talked to my SW and LO's SW which was hard but good and necessary to do I think. They were understanding and helpful thank goodness. I'm not sure what's what yet but I guess we'll see over the next few days and weeks. Thank you for the support and reassurance.

Thank you. I think in my heart of hearts I want LO to flourish and not to be a sick mummy or a bad mummy. I am devastated to think this might be a possibility of not continuing that is, and I know this might well be coloured by the stress of the first few weeks but I also know I need to be realistic for LO's sake. I don't know but it's hard...

Despite friends encouraging and supporting me I'm not sure I can do this. Only so much of that is sustainable, people can't always be coming over and while I appreciate it and it's holding me together it's not doable medium or long term. And I know I might not be thinking or seeing things straight but honestly I just don't know. SW said to take one day at a time which I am and to enjoy it which I wish I was but I'm not and not to look ahead or worry but how can you not?

@Pickle53

Hi, the thing that sticks out for me here is the health issue.
Do you think this is the root cause of your concerns?
I'm not asking you to tell us what it is, I assume it's something manageable otherwise you wouldn't have been approved and placed with a baby.
Lots of people get ill when a child first arrives- the stress, anticipation, lack of sleep, just the whole thing can knock even the healthiest person for 6.
Could this be part of it?
It's also been cold, wet and miserable. Lighter days are here, spring is on its way, you will be able to get out and about more which will lift your spirits.

Remember that your life has now changed forever. This baby will have been in your life, you will have been a mummy ( even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment) and then they will be gone. Can you imagine your life if they were gone? Is that the life you want ? If they go it will be a loss for you.
It is a question that only you can really answer. And it's so hard when you are single, even when you have great support.
Struggling in the early days is so very common, you are not alone in that.
If want you really want is to be this baby's mum, you can make it work.

Good luck with it all, don't rush into anything you may regret.

It's two chronic conditions which had been under control thanks to good preventative treatment but they've both flared up massively and more than anyone thought they would and I perhaps underestimated that. My concern is that they don't quieten down. I thought I'd be able to do this but now I'm really not sure I can and I want little one to have the best and I don't think this is the best and I hate that but LO deserves better.

@Pickle53

could the flare ups be stress related?

Im not trying to persuade you either way. As a single person your health is a serious consideration for you and the child and you are right to think about it.

Have you discussed it with your doctors following placement in terms of the long term practicalities for you as a parent.

Do keep posting, every here knows how hard it is and there will be no judgement whatever your decision.

I have been in touch with my neurology team but not heard back yet but tbh I don't think there's much they can do. My GP surgery is good but you never see the same person and honestly I'm not sure what they'd be able to do either. Stress definitely doesn't help but I don't think it's the main factor.

Thanks so much to you and everyone else for your understanding.

I didn't do f2A but I took a foster placement that was going to lead to adoption if a placement order was granted. So basically more or less the same outcome. I was desperate to adopt and had fostered for 10 yrs or so at that point so it was a dream come true . But even with all my experience of fostering I found myself wondering what the heck I had done many times and I panicked that I wouldn't be able to love my little boy and bond with him. However I knew from previous experience that it takes time for love to grow and honestly I couldn't love him any more than I do now. It probably took a good few months though to reach that stage so I would say don't rush into any quick decisions. I appreciate that you have the added complication of your health needs but hopefully they will settle as you start to feel.less stressed.
I have lost count of the amount of threads just like yours on here that have appeared over the years. It is incredibly common. So hang in there and don't make any rash decisions is my advice. Take care and keep.talking on here if it helps. x