Advice for transitions, please

[elephantsandbumblebees]

I'm a foster carer, and my two gorgeous little ones (4 and 6) will soon be meeting their new mummy and daddy.

Any hints or tips please, things I can do to help my LOs and their new parents during (and after) transition? What did your foster carers do that you found particularly helpful, or anything I should definitely avoid?

(All my previous children have moved on to family, to long term foster care, or to independence.)

Many thanks

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Our FC was very experienced at moving on children.
This is what she did as far as I recall.

First meet
. Referred to us as Mummy and Daddy straight away
. Got the intro books out and suggested we look through together with the DC - this mean they had to sit with us on the sofa
. Found an excuse to go to the kitchen to leave us alone

Gave us a front door key so we could come early for morning routine, and be able to let ourselves in when we did trips out just in case (they had had a bad experience once where they got held up and new parents couldn't access house)

Explicitly gave us permission to just use their kitchen for tea/coffee etc

Did handover for things in this way: show us once, instruct us one, leave us to it

When we were trying bedtime at their house, they left the house to sit in their summer house/shed so the children didn't go to them.

For first trips out, gave us nappies and wipes so we had the right ones (youngest was only 2, eldest was 7)

Sat with me at one point and did a very detailed handover of routine (little one was on 9 separate eating occasions each day (for good reason)).
Also very clear what was / wasn't coming with them.

Started handing over possessions (they had a lot) on about day 2 so when they first came to our house the DC stuff was in their rooms.

Deferred to us as soon as intros moved to our house, and maybe before

Final handover was in the morning, just overnight bags, very very quick handover so she could go in and cry and it was less stressful.

We are forever grateful to our DC's FCs, they did a fab job, both in transition but before giving our DC experience of stability and consistency and caring.

[Noimaginationforaun]

Unfortunately, we had a really terrible transition handover so I guess I can tell you what didn’t help?

• texting birth mum during the day with photos. Allowing birth parents & friends visits after we had left for the day.
• Getting LO up and ready before we got there in the morning so we never got the chance to do the morning routine before they moved in.
• Constantly crying and telling me how much they wanted LO to stay with them

I’ve had friends who have had wonderful transitions and who are still in contact with FC (this was our original plan until everything happened). Their transitions were very calm, FC were very welcoming, made them feel comfortable, made them feel capable of taking over the care of a vulnerable little one.

[onlytherain]

We had a very good transition with an experienced foster carer. Mine were 5 and 6 at the time.

• prepared the children extemely well by talking about us a lot, explaining what was going to happen, answered their questions, made it clear it was a good thing
• we had sent childrens' books about London, she read them with them many times and they were excited to move to London
• read the welcome book and watched the welcome film we had made with them every day
• referred to us as Mummy and Daddy straight away; when the children asked her for permission told them they needed to ask us now from the first day of intros
• made us feel welcome and liked
• send the children with little stuff - just their clothes, a few toys and teddies and their memory boxes
• gave them an album with photos of the childrens' friends, holidays and so on of their time with them and just a few pictures of themselves (could have been more)
• let their school know and made sure the school gave them a nice fairwell
• took a photo of us at the first meeting (we would have forgotten!)
• we didn't do a bedtime or morning routine, but it wasn't needed
• always made us feel that we could ask them anything
• wanted to stay in touch with us (we still are - 11 years on)
• told us what the children liked and what we needed to watch out for to make sure we had a good start
• gave us some of the childrens' things during intros, so when the children first saw our flat, some of their things were already there
• made it very clear to the children they loved them, but let them go
• did a quick hand over on the morning we took them home

[UsernameAlreadyTaken101]

@onlytherain

We had a very good transition with an experienced foster carer. Mine were 5 and 6 at the time.

• prepared the children extemely well by talking about us a lot, explaining what was going to happen, answered their questions, made it clear it was a good thing
• we had sent childrens' books about London, she read them with them many times and they were excited to move to London
• read the welcome book and watched the welcome film we had made with them every day
• referred to us as Mummy and Daddy straight away; when the children asked her for permission told them they needed to ask us now from the first day of intros
• made us feel welcome and liked
• send the children with little stuff - just their clothes, a few toys and teddies and their memory boxes
• gave them an album with photos of the childrens' friends, holidays and so on of their time with them and just a few pictures of themselves (could have been more)
• let their school know and made sure the school gave them a nice fairwell
• took a photo of us at the first meeting (we would have forgotten!)
• we didn't do a bedtime or morning routine, but it wasn't needed
• always made us feel that we could ask them anything
• wanted to stay in touch with us (we still are - 11 years on)
• told us what the children liked and what we needed to watch out for to make sure we had a good start
• gave us some of the childrens' things during intros, so when the children first saw our flat, some of their things were already there
• made it very clear to the children they loved them, but let them go
• did a quick hand over on the morning we took them home

I would echo most of this although my child was younger. I know the previous poster mentioned sending them with little stuff but my foster carers (who were amazing and still very much family) gave us EVERYTHING. At the time it probably seemed excessive but it was so good to have the same plates, cups, bedding, etc that he was used to. There were probably a lot of things I wouldn't have used myself but it was so good for him to still have what he was used to. Everything else in his short life had changed so these things really helped to comfort him. They can be phased out after a while.

We moved things gradually taking one lot home after each transition day so it wasn't like everything was going in one day. Also things like using the same washing powder so he was familiar with the smells was good for him. Giving the new parents time alone is really good. I changed his nappies, bathed him, got him ready for bed etc while they were in the other room.

[Torvy]

Oh how nice!

A few things our boys FCs did do, and things I kind of wished they did:

Offering regular tea and coffee, being clear about meal expectations- should they bring food for themselves if they come over mealtimes, or will you invite them to join you? If you are going out, should they bring food for the kids? Could they bring a snack for them to divide the care or something?

Regularly popping in and out of the room to get a cup of tea, fetch bits and pieces, make a phonecall etc to give them time on their own.

Having photos of the APs in the house. Our FC sent us a picture of our son touching our pictures when he woke up in the morning and it made us feel really good when we saw it!

Being kind if its hard to do personal care for the kids- it's weird seeing a kid you barely know and having to possibly help them get dressed, wipe their bum or change nappies etc, and at 4 and 6 I should imagine they might find it trickier to accept help in more intimate matters. Narrating what you do as you help them is useful- "come on Jane, I know you normally like me to do up your zip on your jumper but not your coat, so why don't you do your jumper and I can show AP how I help you to hold the bottom. 2 hands and away the zip goes!" Etc. Or "John, I know you need help wiping your bum, so i will show mummy how we scrunch the paper, wipe and check, wipe and check until it's all clean, and then what do we do? Yes, check it's all clean with a grownup" etc. If the kids do refuse to some stuff like putting on seatbelts that you know they can do, maybe let the APs baby the kids a bit and then just mention it to them later- it allows the APs something to offer the child, and we know they they might be starting to test boundaries, but for the kids also check whether the APs know what to do to care for them.

Record yourself singing songs or saying phrases so that adoptive parents can copy you, or write them down.

Offer to take photos of the AP and children- it's their first time together as a family, and it's not like having a newborn, nobody else can really be there with them for these precious firsts, so that's a nice thing to look back on.

Take photos of brands of foods and send them to adoptive parents to stock up.

Refer to APs by the "proper" name (mum Dad mummy mama papa) even when talking to other adults whenever in earshot of the child.

Don't throw a huge goodbye party during intros. Please. It's so confusing for them!

Be clear with adoptive parents about any rules you need to follow for your agency- we panicked our son's FC because we were a bit looseygoosey with timings and got him back later than expected and she said her agency told her she needed to have him back by a certain time.

A digital drop box of any and all photos you can share.

Let the APs see you in lots of different contexts with the child - at the park, cafe, drop off at school, bedtime routines etc.

Any little details you have about BPs that you can pass on would be amazing- knowing how their final contact went was so important to us for their future care plans and understanding their behaviour. Things like knowing what songs they sang at contact, whether theynturned up on time, knowing how BPs liked the kids to wear their hair, whether they had a special toy they played with at contact, etc might have got lost with a social worker or not be in the paper work.

Don't get freaked out if APs ask about laundry powder and toothpaste brands etc- we are told to do this to ease transition, but we know its a bit weird. Maybe proffer that information and state its ok for them to ask any weird questions. Apparently it's not common knowledge that APs are asked to do that!

Check what stuff would be useful to send- our kids came with masses and masses of stuff that we only had 2 weeks of introductions to move and sort (we almost needed a truck) whilst simultaneously driving for several hours a day and working, but our house wasn't as big and it was hard to have stuff everywhere without knowing what was and wasn't emotionally significant. Our FC each gave us a single bag on the last day with medications, red books and uber important letters photos and cards from BPs that was all labelled and sorted so that we could put it somewhere safe and deal with it later. We couldn't take in any information on that day though so the labels were really helpful.

Check about gifts and contact afterwards before it all gets emotional.

Don't be surprised if contact after placement is difficult. Our boys loved their FC so much it has been really painful for them to think about them and visit them, and yet they do think and talk about them often and look at their pictures pretty much every day. Little WhatsApp videos that can be watched and rewatched were really helpful, and always end with stuff like "I know you are having a great time with your new parents and we are so happy you have found your forever family" even if you really miss them.

Fingers crossed all goes well for everybody involved!