Is it fair to consider adoption when I have no family connections myself?

[PollyPrincess]

I'm late 30s, single, and I am thinking of going down the adoption route.

I have no contact with any of my family. I'm NC with my parents (abusive), no siblings, and all other family members - aunts, uncles etc have sided with my parents and no longer talk to me. I'm not particularly fussed about this. I'm better off without them.

Would it be fair though to consider adopting a child when they would have nobody other than me? No grannies, grandads, cousins etc. It would be a very quiet life. This suits me fine but would it be cruel to bring a child up like that?

[Jigglypufff]

Do you have a supportive circle of friends? I ask because we were questioned about our support network and robust it was.
Some adopted children can’t be in childcare so as a single adopter I would think about my flexibility with that in mind.
I’m sure some other single parent adopters with lots of experience will be along to advise more in depth.
I really benefit mentally and practically from having a strong support network for me to rely on- even if that’s just me having a space to vent my frustrations out with no judgement.

[PollyPrincess]

@Jigglypufff

Do you have a supportive circle of friends? I ask because we were questioned about our support network and robust it was.
Some adopted children can’t be in childcare so as a single adopter I would think about my flexibility with that in mind.
I’m sure some other single parent adopters with lots of experience will be along to advise more in depth.
I really benefit mentally and practically from having a strong support network for me to rely on- even if that’s just me having a space to vent my frustrations out with no judgement.

No, not particularly. My oldest friends are not local and the local ones are more casual acquaintances. Certainly couldn't rely on them for childcare or anything like that.

I hadn't thought about that in terms of the adoption process.

[sunshineandskyscrapers]

I am a single adopter with few family members. I do rely on those few family members a lot, particularly in school holidays as my child can only manage holiday clubs in small doses. As Jigglypuff said, it's not unusual for adopted children to struggle with accessing out of school care.

When you apply to adopt you will be asked (a lot) about your support network, especially as a single adopter. Who will look after your child when you are sick? What will happen to your child if you have to go into hospital? Who will take your child out for a couple of hours because you need a break? You do not need to answer those questions here, but these will be at the forefront of any assessing social worker's mind and you need to be able to give satisfactory answers. Your support doesn't need to be family, but you do need to have support.

[PollyPrincess]

Thank you both for taking the time to answer. Looks like adoption probably won't be an option for me.

[Ted27]

@PollyPrincess

there is nothing to stop building connections now.

Having a huge family isnt necessary, I’m single, I have a small family who whilst very supportive live 150 miles away so no good for impromptu babysitting.

Being an adopter is largely about problem solving.
So here’s your first problem - building a support network.
There is nothing to stop you building connections, cultivating those casual relationships.
Think laterally, people at work, neighbours - they dont have to be best buddies buy its surprising where support comes from.

Lots of adopters have to take some time to address issues - whether its finances, housing, job. I certainly did. It took me nearly two years to get myself in the right place to apply.


To be blunt - if you fall at the first hurdle then maybe adoption isnt for you. But if you want it enough then you will find a way

[onlytherain]

I like that you are wondering about this and are willing to prioritise the needs of a child. That's a great start. I am sure there are children who would thrive in "a quiet life".

My children have always worried about where they would life in case my husband and I died, so that is something else to consider for you (social workers will ask).

[Italiangreyhound]

I agree with Ted, if this puts you off then it is probably not for you. However, you do have plenty of time to change the situation if you wish to.

Could fostering be a way to explore whether this is for you?

One aspect is that children do bring you into contact with a lot of other people. So, if you currently have few contacts with friends locally, then is it that you prefer not to, or have not yet made the right friends?

So, if you want a very quiet life then kids tend to bring a lot of people into your life. Initially, social workers etc, but later children will make friends at school etc and that will bring you into contact with their parents, play dates and whatever.

You may well be expected to get experience with children outside of work or family, most adopters are. We were even though we already had a birth child and I had volunteered with kids and even worked with kids briefly!

Getting experience with children can in itself be a great chance to make friends and contacts locally. For example helping with Rainbows, Beavers, helping in a school or church creche. These kind of activities will build contact with adults who also volunteer with kids or work with children.

You will need a supportive circle of friends when you go through the adoptive process. You do need someone to talk to and also someone to turn to if you need help. It doesn't need to be family.

One thing we also did is ensure both our children (birth and adopted, one of each) had God parents. This doesn't actually need to be a religious thing, it is for us but doesn't need to be.

The Godparents are like local aunties and uncles who know our kids and care about them. They have babysat for us, or we have babysat for them, socialized with them etc. We know their kids. In fact we are God parents to some of their kids. A bit like an urban family you create!

Anyway, there are children out there waiting for families and if you want to create a family, by fostering or adoption or whatever, you probably will need support. So good luck with whatever comes next.

[rihanna4]

@PollyPrincess I can empathise with your concern. I have good longstanding friends and a close supportive family. But as a childless woman I don't have the type of friends who will provide childcare-type support. If you don't have children it's hard, in my experience, to build the type of friendship circle you'll need after LO arrives. Meanwhile my mum is carer to my 90 year old father, so she won't be able to help.

As others said, however, if you want to adopt then you have to build a support network. I'm currently working on building one as best I can in my local community.

Just wanted to say you're not alone.

Also coming back to your original question, SWs say that some children waiting for adoption may benefit from a quiet family environment.

[Ted27]

@PollyPrincess @rihanna4

I think there is a difference in providing a quiet environment and ensuring that you have support mechanisms.

Support isnt just about the practical stuff. Ive never relied on my friends or family for childcare. When he was younger my son spent either a half term or a week in the summer at the grandparents. They would also come down to us for a few days in May half term so I was able to squeeze a few hours out for myself.
I got far more chilcare in that respect from Scout camp ! I also had one of the scout young leaders do some babysitting for me for a few years.

I was very lucky that I had no serious illness until my son was old enough to fend for himself. But my parents still had to come and stay for a few days following an operation and a friend collected me from hospital. So that is something you have to think very seriously about.
You also need to think about worst case scenarios - if something happened to you, where would your child go? This is less of an issue for me now my son is an adult, but I know that if I died, there at least 2 other familes, other than our own, who would not see him alone at Christmas, would remember his birthday etc etc.
Think about emotional support, whose shoulder will you cry on, who can you go and meet for a cup of tea and a cake, just for that bit of moral support.

Most adopters find their support does expand when you have a child at home - largely from other adopters but you have to be prepared to put in the effort.