How long did you do letterbox for

[NewNameNumber43]

Hi - have name changed for this, as I do regularly, but I’m a long time poster on this board.

Question as per title… up to what age did you keep doing letterbox on behalf of your adopted DC… 16? 18?

DC get very little out of it and don’t input into it (despite me asking the last couple of years if there’s anything they want me to include), so I’m wondering when it’s appropriate for me to stop. Birth mother has stopped writing back the last few years if that makes a difference.

Anyone stopped after several years? What prompted the decision to do so?

[Smerpsmorp]

I’m tempted to stop - my children are young and don’t get anything out of it and we’ve had no responses. Don’t even know if the letters are even ever received by anyone or passed on to be honest. Just kind of do it thinking oh they’ll want to know I tried to maintain/initiate contact.

i think it’s all a waste of time. Nobody has ever chased my letterbox… not sure why I’m doing it.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

My youngest will be 20 this year and we are still going, but we get responses back twice yearly. Eldest sometimes does write herself.
They like to know BM is OK and even if neither currently want direct contact, they are both thinking about it.
We must have done over 30 letters in total over the years.

[MrsSeveride]

Thanks both

@UnderTheNameOfSanders

Do you mean you still write the letters on behalf of the 20 year old?

Are there any SEN?

Absolutely no judgment - just trying to work out what's reasonable and hadn't considered other adoptive parents might continue past 18 (as opposed to 'handing over' to the DC)

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Yes, I still write as adoptive mum to birth mum.
At 18 they each got the option as to what to do, and both chose that I carry on for the time being. I think it will stop when youngest turns 21. We've been able to carry on for eldest who is older than 21 effectively piggybacking on youngest's contact.

[MrsSeveride]

Got you - thanks, that's really useful.

Am really interested to see what others do if anyone else feels able to share.

[LeoLeo2]

We wrote once a year until 18; children never involved in it as it was too traumatic for them.

We had one initial reply then nothing.

[Skintdancemum]

From a different perspective…… I’m a social worker and one of my clients has severe mental health problems. She’s never written back, she literally can’t. She lurches from one trauma to another, and despite wanting to give something back it’s just too huge for her to commit to.

However, she LIVES for her yearly letter. It’s literally the only positive thing that happens to her in a 12 month period

In the past I have wanted to write to the adoptive parents on her behalf, to let them know how important it is to her, and to let them know how much she cares. But I can’t, as it’s not my place to do so. But if her letters were to just stop I honestly don’t know how she would cope.

[onlytherain]

Mine are 16 and 17 and I am planning to write until both are 18 and to ask them then if they want to take over, if they want me to continue or stop. One of them has direct contact via SM by now and is managing that well.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

@Skintdancemum Is it really not your place to let them know? I think if I were writing into nothingness it would help me keep going with meaningful letters to know the situation.

[realdays]

@Skintdancemum of course you could write a short note to let them know. They may well stop otherwise given the lack of response.

Have some compassion and don't be a 'not my place/job' person.

[onlytherain]

@Skintdancemum Could you talk it over with your manager? Or ask birth mum if you may pass on how much she cares about the letters?

So many adopters struggle with getting no response and no explanation for the lack of engagement. I have always assumed that my children's birth parents care and want to know, even if they struggled to get hold of the letters, never mind respond. One of them contacted social services after many years and asked for my letters, another is now in contact with my daughter, so I was right in that assumption. But it is tough to write to people I don't personally know, who do not respond and with whom I have a complicated relationship. It would have made a huge difference to me and my children to know that their birth parents cared so much.

[raspberrysundae]

I did letters annually for about 6/7 years. One letter back the first year. I stopped and no one ever chased. It may well be in the interests of the birth mum and I have empathy for that but my job is to consider the interests of the child. And I don’t think it’s in a child’s interest to be sending out personal information and being rejected year on year when there is no response. The letterbox system is flawed and needs a rethink.