Solo adopters - particularly Christian solo adopters anyone?

[EllieCharlie52]

Hi,

I'm a solo adopter hoping for a from birth early permanence placement soon, a few possibilities are in discussion at the moment. I'd be particularly interested to know from any Christian solo adopters what your experiences were with things like the following but would welcome any helpful suggestions whether Christian or not!

Introducing them in church, a lot of my friends know and there are several families who've adopted and fostered however no singletons yet. Everyone knows I'm not in a relationship or pregnant even if I do have a chocolate belly 😉😆

How did thanksgivings/christenings go and how was it talked about by church leader/vicar? My church still live streams, would you ask for it not to be shown for security reasons or not mind?

Preempting or reacting to comments from those who might not get it or think that you should be married.

Anything else that might be helpful?

Thank you 😊

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Are you uk?
Have you discussed with your social worker?

[Ted27]

@EllieCharlie52

I’m a single adopter, though not a church go-er.

I think sometimes you just have to hit the situation head on.
I assume your minister does prayers in service or in your newsletter? I think I’d be inclined to ask them when you go for introductions to say something like

We pray for EllieCharlie as she prepares to meet her new son/daughter and we look forward to welcoming them into our church family. Our thoughts are with them at this most exciting and challenging of times as a new family is created through adoption’
I assume you would tell other adoptees in church so they will be ‘onside’
So youve dealt with it, without being present and hopefully when you turn up with the baby people will just coo over them like any other baby.

Personally I wouldnt mind about a Christening being streamed. But we have no great security issues, though my son does have a very identifiable name. The birth family won’t know your church or about any event so they won’t really be looking. I can’t imagine you could see very much anyway.

You do have to develop a thick skin when you adopt. People say all sorts of daft things.
However if there are lots of people in your church who would have some kind of moral objection to you adopting as a single person I’d think seriously about whether its the right church.
You don’t need to pre-empt anything, you don’t need to defend yourself or your decision - you are creating a family for a child who needed one.
If I had to respond I would probably say something like remember suffer little children to come onto me, well God brought this child in need to me.

Whilst Im not religious, my mum and step dad are. My step dad is a bit old fashioned about stuff but he always says God brought my son to our family, which I think is nice.
Good luck!

[mumof2many1943]

One of my best friends is single and a Christian, when her little one was adopted she had a celebration at the church which was lovely which my family and I thoroughly enjoyed ( I am a “good” Jewish girl) She has had no problems with either aspect. Good luck!

[EG88]

I have early permanence experience and I go to Church. It might be worth checking with your agency about their permission policy. In my case I had to seek patental consent to take baby to Church as you are a foster carer not a parent. In one case it was given and in the other it was not. I do remember with my first LO getting lots of, "I hadn't realised you were even pregnant," statements the first time I went to Church. A simple explanation that you are fostering and working with a family should do it. Guarding LOs story is important so just politely put those boundaries in place from the get go. Accept support from a community who respect your choices to be a single adopter, smile and move on from those who don't. Wishing you well x

[EllieCharlie52]

Thank you so much, I love the easy you've put that re welcoming and preparing to meet little one, I might ask for that to be used! And there's some wisdom in there. Church generally is really supportive, I'm probably over analysing things and should stop worrying about it. And you're probably right re not working about security for christening etc. I like your answer about "God brought this child to me and what your step dad said. Thanks again!

[EllieCharlie52]

That's really lovely that your friend was able to celebrate like that with church and that she had no problems. I might be over imagining things!

[EllieCharlie52]

Thank you, that's a really good point which I should have thought about. One of my best friends fosters and with her first placement initially didn't have permission and then a few months in was given permission. I'll ask about that in my meeting this week with a potential baby's social worker and family finder. Re pregnancy questions a friend had that with one of her kids and mostly just smiled sweetly and then giggled or rolled her eyes later. And yes absolutely re guarding Little one's story, there will be only a couple of people who know much, it's their story which will be told to them as they grow etc.

[Italiangreyhound]

I'm not single but I am a Christian and an adopter. Our son had a dedication service when he came,after he was legally adopted.

You probably would not be able to have any kind of service until the adoption was finalized.

Our son has been with us nearly 10 years, so it was long before live streaming. But thinking about it now, if this were the case I would probably have asked for the dedication part of the service to be at the end and not live streamed.

If anyone has a problem with you adopting as a single person, I'd just remind them that the adoption services look for the best person/couple or family for a child; so, if you are given the chance of adopting a child - then you are the best option for that child.

Good luck.

[EllieCharlie52]

Thank you, yes I'd definitely want to do a dedication/thanksgiving once adoption was finalised. That's what friends of mine did and it was really lovely. And yes you're right re best options etc. I actually have a meeting with a child's SW, family finder and my SW tomorrow. Having a quick tea break before frantically doing some more tidying and cleaning.

[LeoLeo2]

Congratulations on being approved and I hope your upcoming meetings are positive.

What about maybe sending out little cards to family/friends and having one put up in church too? You can get sets printed fairly cheaply.

'Introducing baby EllieCharlie to you all; he/she has come to me through adoption and whilst I know you will all be wanting hugs with her/him, please understand we need time to bond/settle together and this will take time. Thank you.'

We did similar - but actually for our adoption day - and they have one each in their memory boxes. For us, privacy is an issue so doing it this way avoided social media and the risk of people re-posting it online.

[EllieCharlie52]

Hi,

Thank you, those are good ideas particularly about the hugs thing, I think that will be really important and understandably not something most people would think about. I've already had a few people, very sweetly and well intended, say they will want cuddles. So far I've just smiled. I have a WhatsApp support group and I will mention that in there and maybe ask a couple of friends at church who've also adopted to stay close by the first two or three weeks we go, assuming I can take little one to church. And I'll gently but firmly remind people not to share things or say anything on social media. I think my mum will struggle with that but tough!

[Beetham]

I'm a single, Christian adopter. Although I didn't know any other single Christian adopters before I became a parent I've now met loads, I don't know the statistics but think we must be a significant minority in the adoption world. To the great points above I'd add:

-when in church now before little one comes home, put your 'adopter ears' on, so that you can be aware of things ahead of time. E.g. our minister always does a talk at the baptisms of infants and young children about how they're totally dependant on their parents and that reminds us how we're dependant on God. That's all good but he does tend to go into detail to make his point e.g. if the parents just left them in their cot with no food, they couldn't get any themselves- they're completely helpless and would just go hungry! I obviously had a chat with him prior to my own children's baptism to be very explicit about what not to say, but also in general for other baptisms and he was very receptive to this.
-church family is a family, warts and all. Church have been so supportive but as in any family there are some who are ignorant about adoption or sometimes (very, very rarely) not supportive because of old fashioned but not biblical ideas about what families should look like. The genealogy in matthew 1 is a really helpful place to direct people to, where all the women mentioned are mothers in unlikely or not 'perfect family' circumstances yet God uses them for His good and they are the direct ancestors of His Son- how amazing that God uses normal people with messy lives, and if it was good enough for Jesus then I didn't see how it's not good enough for our children.
-being firm with people about boundaries whether that's hugs, giving children treats, asking about their histories etc. is really vital, I'm quite a forward person but if it's something you'll struggle with then I'd advise starting now, it's alot easier laying the groundwork now- you'll thank yourself later!

[WittyUsername123]

Just my thoughts- I would just echo what other posters have said about permissions and consider this in matching. Lots of children will have heritage from other religions- would you consider this or exclude it based on your lifestyle choices? (Not saying this is good or bad, but something to consider).
With EP it could be a very long time until adoption was finalised- how would you cope if LO could not go to church?
Both my sons’ foster carers took them to church regularly without permission of their birth parents, which has never sat right with me as my sons’ BPs are Muslims. It came from a place of love and inclusion from the foster carers, but ultimately wasn’t a decision I would make myself.

[Torvy]

Hi, not a Christian or solo adopter, but wanted to jump on and say fingers crossed for you!

The livestreaming thing I would personally err on the side of caution unless you knew BPs were low or no risk. We found out that BP somehow knows about our appearance, and possibly has a photo of us from somewhere, and they shouldn't know anything, so I wouldn't assume that anonymity is guaranteed. We avoid publicising ourselves as much as possible- so we go to loads of events, but we specifically ask to not be photographed, ask strangers filming in the park to delete videos if they linger on our kids faces etc. Nothing certifiably paranoid, but it is 100% not a risk we take if we don't have to. It would worry me being livestreamed if I didn't know who could be viewing it.

I wonder whether there are some sort of faith based adoption training that you could ask for your minister to access to support them in understanding your needs and the needs of the child? Like a virtual schools but for pastors 🤣 I have literally zero experience or knowledge of that, but I feel its the kind of thing a faith based agency might have contacts for. It takes the pressure off you having to explain or justify certain ways of parenting that might seem counterintuitive to what you are suggesting might be a slightly more conservative crowd. I can only compare it to our local children's centre, who were woefully unprepared for anything LAC or adoption related, and we had to work through processes together. It would have been easier if they had a vague understanding of what was and wasn't allowed as pre adoptive parents. Your situation will be trickier because you will go from being a foster parent to a pre adoptive parent to being an adoptive parent, with different permissions and needs at each stage, which is particularly marked for religious status. It would be highly inappropriate for the minister to suggest certain things before the AO has been granted, for example, and they might not know that, and the burden shouldn't be on you to have to explain it to them.

I would definitely be checking your agency policy about taking L.O to church. When we were in some adoption training groups, it was impressed upon us very much that names and religions couldn't be altered, and that taking a child to a place of worship not sanctioned by BP was not ok in EP situations. Combine that with lots of the support network being through church, and this being difficult to maintain if you can't attend regularly, it might be tricky. Is there someone who could look after baby so you can go if BPs don't agree? Do you have a specific plan in place to explain to a potential LO why they get to go to church with you now/didn't get to go for the first possibly 2 years (if the proceedings take that long), and how that might be different to BP? I assume you have thought of all of these things as part of your approval. It sounds like it is a big part of your identity and planned identity as a family so is worth safeguarding and planning for appropriately.

In terms of comments about marriage, I would hope that most are made in ignorance not malice, but a few prepared pointed responses might give an indication about something being either on or off limits. The other adopter people in church might also give you an indication of who might be likely to make an unfortunate comment and either intervene on your behalf or prepare you so you aren't taken aback. I would hope nobody would be judgemental about the adoption, but some people do have weird views, especially if the family is non traditional. The "it's such a shame that they won't grow up with a ... " or "how will they learn about...." comments are the most irritating for me! If you are attending church, I would assume it is a denomination that is at least a tiny bit cool with single parenthood (or you wouldn't be going there!), so adoption shouldn't be any different. I mean, you could get into a theological debate, but that's not your responsibility, your job is to make sure your kid feels happy and safe, and not ostracised because of some weird comments from other people who have nothing better to do than make comments about a small person and the one who has committed to being their family! We also found that most people don't make malicious comments to your face anymore because who even does that? It's either behind your back and reported second or third hand "just to let you know", or ignorant comments that can be annoying but either corrected or brushed off in context.

Fingers crossed for you and the placements you are considering!

[EllieCharlie52]

Ooh lots of good stuff in there, particularly love that middle paragraph about the genealogy etc, thank you! And I think you're totally right about putting boundaries in place etc now, very wise. I'd definitely talk to the leaders beforehand about what they say and shouldn't say, I think they'll be open to that.

[EllieCharlie52]

I've checked today when discussing a potential match and there's no problem at all with taking little one to church, in fact they're pleased that there would be a good support network there for both me and potential little one. That was a relief as I think I'd have found it hard if church wasn't a possibility.

[EllieCharlie52]

Thank you, yes it's a big part of my life but thankfully they're more than happy, if this potential little one does come to me, for them to come to church and playgroup etc which was a relief to find out earlier!

There is a Christian organisation called Home for Good which has resources like that I think so I'll find out more and point the church in that direction. There are other families who've adopted and who foster which is good though nobody single so far.

The kind of comments you mention are the kind of things I'm a bit worried about. I'll chat with the other families to see if there's anything/anyone to me particularly aware of too, that's a good idea. I'm sure most people are well intentioned but some people can be thoughtless and/or old fashioned. I might have a chat with one of the older ladies who's absolutely wonderful and was delighted when I told her I was going for adoption.

Thanks so much for the good wishes! The meeting I had today went pretty well I think and hopefully I'll find out something in the next few days. It's a strange thing thinking about and trying to decide if it's the right thing! Especially when there's not much information. I do know, cheesy and clichéd as it sounds, that this little one deserves to be loved, to be safe and cared for consistently and therapeutically.

[EG88]

Baby wearing at Church is a really good way of avoiding requests for cuddles and live stream issues. x

[EllieCharlie52]

Good point, I've just been given two slings as well! People can have a peek that way but otherwise!

[Custardslice3]

Hi, I am also a single Christian adopter, though not via early permanence so my son was 13 months when he came to me and so a bit more obvious I hadn't been pregnant without people realising!

Some of the things that worked well for us have already been mentioned, but I'll say them anyway :)

I didn't do any kind of announcement, but my close friends knew, and my house group, and I had been volunteering in the church creche (because my full time job as an infant teacher wasn't enough experience with children 😆) so the other adults that helped there and some of the parents also knew. Word of mouth meant that it spread pretty quickly. Our church do meal rotas for new families, so for the first month of placement I had a meal delivered every 3 days which was amazing and also meant another group of people knew.

When I first took my son to church on a Sunday I used a sling to keep him close and avoid people being too hands on. The first couple of times I deliberately arrived late, stood at the back for the worship and then went into the crèche. So he got used to being in that environment and I got support from people but without us having to navigate the busier times. After a few weeks we started staying for coffee after the service but I kept him in the sling for that - partly so I didn't lose him as he was starting to crawl!

After the adoption order was granted we had a dedication service. The timings worked out that it was on adoption Sunday (a Home for Good thing) and I shared my journey to adoption with the church. It was before the days on streaming - these days I would have to ask for the cameras to be turned off if I was going on the stage at church, and if I was sharing something that would include our names then I wouldn't want the audio streamed/recorded either.

Overall my church have been really supportive. I've not heard any negative comments from anyone :) I hope it all goes well for you x

[Italiangreyhound]

Custardslice3 sounds like you did brilliantly and your church were very supportive. Excellent..

[Custardslice3]

@Italiangreyhound We've had some pretty rocky times with it over the years, and my son's needs are such that church is extremely challenging for us - but through that my son is very much accepted, loved and valued by the church family and they are very accepting that we have to do things a bit differently!