DD Full birth sibling to be adopted but we only just found out! we want him....

[paperweight5]

Please can anyone advise us. We have two adopted DD's. They are not biologically related. Our youngest DD is 4. She is disabled, NAS, FAS, genetic disorder. We have just found out that she has a full birth sibling. A boy who was born in June. He was approved for adoption in November. He was matched and the matching panel is in March 2024. SW has just called me to tell me. We have always wanted three. We are shocked and to be honest upset. I have spoken to her again and asked her why we were not told or considered. she mumbled something about data protection and that we had a lot on our plates which we do as both our children are disabled and i am in the middle of EHCP process which is grim. Eldest is 11 and in therapy and on medication for SEMH.
I have emailed the SW and family finder to put our case forward namely that we are stable and he has same profile as my youngest.
Surely they are duty bound to have let us know about him and to have at least asked us if we wanted to be considered. Surely my DD has a right to a chance of a life with her brother. Doesn't he?
any advice would be hugely appreciated.

I was in this position.

Should they consult you and consider placement? Yes.

Can you make them? No. Or not without a lot of fight and heartache if they have a placement lined up they want.

There is no appeal at matching stage, it can come down to the whims of one social worker. You can't make them take you to panel. I tried. We'd been reapproved, and had we gone to panel, I believe the sibling would have been placed. One social worker came in late, didn't support the match, tore us apart on paper to prove his opinion, and despite complaining etc, we failed.

At this stage, I would focus on ensuring contact between siblings.

Good God, i am so sorry you went through this. This is awful. I was under the naive impression that siblings may have some right to explore a connection and we would have a right for someone to let us know he existed at the very least.
Is it really that haphazard? These are children and families why isn't this process more child centered and transparent.
he has been matched immediately. Are this new couple aware that he wont be speaking, walking, feeding himself and in nappies at 4?

@paperweight5

These situations are always fraught with difficulty and emotions. I found out about several siblings before any SW informed me, I also fought an LA for the best part of 4 years to be allowed to foster my son's younger full sibling, a child who we saw regularly. So I do get the emotions.

But the cold hard truth is that this child is not yours and you might be best served to take a step back and ask yourself some searching questions.
You say you always wanted 3 children, would you feel as strongly about this baby if you had only wanted 2? What about if there is a 3rd or 4 th or more sibling. Would you feel the same about those children and their rights to have a relationship with siblings.
Why do you assume the matching process has been haphazard. You already have 2 very challenging children, could you really cope with a third?
Having said that, you don't really know anything about this child, no one can really tell how things may pan out for them.
You also don't know anything about the adoptive parents, why do you feel they may not understand the potential issues?If you are prepared to adopt a potentially disabled child, why should they not be prepared to do the same?
What benefit would your existing children get from another child being in the home?
Its hard, I do understand that and I hope I don't come across as unfeeling, but maybe what is best for all three children is that this new baby is the sole focus of this other family.

These situations are always fraught with difficulty and emotions. I found out about several siblings before any SW informed me, I also fought an LA for the best part of 4 years to be allowed to foster my son's younger full sibling, a child who we saw regularly. So I do get the emotions.

Gosh, i am so sorry to hear that Ted and thank you for your reply.

But the cold hard truth is that this child is not yours and you might be best served to take a step back and ask yourself some searching questions.

I agree with this completely but i think we should have been allowed the chance to do this and as part of a viability assessment.

You say you always wanted 3 children, would you feel as strongly about this baby if you had only wanted 2?

probably not because we only would have wanted 2 but i would have felt really strongly that we should have known and been told and asked to consider them as an option and think about the children's needs etc

What about if there is a 3rd or 4 th or more sibling.

i think this is now unlikely as birth mum is much older. If more siblings were to come along i would have liked to consider the options and also been able to ask for contact etc

Would you feel the same about those children and their rights to have a relationship with siblings.

yes 100%, My older child feels the loss keenly of all her subsequent birth siblings.

Why do you assume the matching process has been haphazard.

I found their policy online and we should have been approached at adoption order at the latest and completed a viability assessment if we requested one.

You already have 2 very challenging children, could you really cope with a third?

Maybe, maybe not, that would have been something for us to seriously consider and go through a proper process. I think we and all the children involved deserved to that being at least considered as a option.

Having said that, you don't really know anything about this child, no one can really tell how things may pan out for them.

I suppose that could be said for all adoptions.

You also don't know anything about the adoptive parents, why do you feel they may not understand the potential issues?If you are prepared to adopt a potentially disabled child, why should they not be prepared to do the same?

I have no idea, that is why i ask the question above. Both my kids came to me apparently with no issues and meeting milestones..........

What benefit would your existing children get from another child being in the home?

The same as any other children having a sibling and the chance to grow up with her biological sibling. That's a question for the viability assessment, which we should be entitled to.

Its hard, I do understand that and I hope I don't come across as unfeeling, but maybe what is best for all three children is that this new baby is the sole focus of this other family.

And equally maybe what is best is if the LA follow their own polices and at least explore the possibility that adopters may want to adopt again and that children may want the chance to grow up with their biological siblings where possible. The system needs to be child focused and family focused.

So sorry to hear about this.

My understanding has always been that the Placing LA is supposed to FIRST approach the Adopters of any current siblings to see if they are interested.

@paperweight5

fundamentally I don’t disagree with you. Yes you should have been told, and there should have been at least a discussion with you.

But having been well and truly through the wringer with a similar situation, the LA will decided what it thinks is right for the child and sometimes you have to let it go for your own sanity.
My son’s sibling is not in a good place, still in the care system. My son grieves for him. We are both helpless but have had to put some distance between us.

I also wouldnt be surprised if birth mum, pops at least another one out. There were 13 years between my son’s sibling and the next two, who are only 2 years apart.

Bloody Hell Ted i am so sorry to hear that. I was just saying to DH that when you adopt no one tells you that you can really have some ongoing trauma when more birth siblings come along. My eldest has three now with gran on a special guardianship poor things they are so young. Two older in foster care on the other side. My kids now have 9 siblings between them all in various states of existence. I think we will have to accept it, we have no power. We will probably just get a sorry from them as its too late to do anything else and we don't want to delay permanence for him with lengthy assessments.

Yes that is their written policy, they are clear they have a duty to do that. They have had at least 7 months to do that. Its gutting. I feel so disrespected. We may have ended up saying no. They may have discounted us after assessment and i may not have liked it but i would have just had to suck it up but to not even know or be given the chance because someone just didn't bother picking up the phone. These are vulnerable children, they deserve a bit more respect than that.

The system needs to be child focused and family focused.

There may be reasons for not contacting you.

Hard as it may seem the child at the centre of the current process is the sibling awaiting adoption. The assessment may indicate the child needs to be the only child in the household, there may be ongoing contact requirements with birth family that might be inappropriate for your current child. You don’t know all of the information and, because it’s not your child, you aren’t entitled to know.

There’s no legislation that says current adopters effectively get first refusal of any subsequent siblings, agency policy may say so but that will be interpreted in light of the child in questions needs. Yes your child should have the opportunity to have a relationship with their sibling, and that can take many different forms but placement decisions are made with the focus firmly on the child in question.

It’s very hard and very emotional - as is everything adoption related - but it doesn’t mean they haven’t considered the child’s best interests.

@Jellycatspyjamas thankyou for responding. I have spoken to the family finding SW today and she has apologised for not contacting us when the placement decision was made. She said we can have a viability assessment if we want but it is very unlikely we will be approved because we have two disabled children already. She admitted she had discounted us on that basis at the time but just not told us or followed any kind of process. We are gutted as i think we could have offered him a good family and met his needs but there you go. Just another day of hurt and loss in adoption i suppose.

Because adoption is about the needs of the child. The child deserves to be placed in a home where they have the maximum amount of time and attention so they have the most potential to thrive. Your family set up just isn't conducive to that. Links to bio siblings are important but you can put that in place.
Put the child first.

@PicaK have you read the research about how adult adoptees feel about separation from siblings?

This isn't clear cut. OP has a lot on, but "if you want something done, ask a busy person" isn't said for no reason.

Some friends of mine took on a biological sibling, I honestly do t know how they are going to cope as both boys get older. They both have severe autism and global developmental delay. I am not sure how anyone could cope with 3 potentially very disabled children.

@somethingelsa do you have a link to that research, or the name of the researcher? I'd be interested in reading that

@somethingelsa

In an ideal world, all children would be living happily and safely with their birth parents,
Sadly this is not always the case. As adopters we are proving part of the solution. But there is only so much we can do.

I have an adopter friend who has 4 adopted children, who have two different sets of birth parents. The birth parents have managed to produce another 20 children. My own son has another 4 siblings in care. With the best will in the world, you can’t adopt them all.

@Ted27 I know that. 🙄

I didn't say anyone had to adopt them all. I was pointing out that if siblings can be placed together, then that placement shouldn't be dismissed without consideration, as it often is in the best interests of the child to grow up with siblings where possible.

That's not the same as saying someone should adopt 20 kids, so don't make out it is.

sorry very very Hollow laugh from me if you think adoption and adoption decisions are child focused and that they are placed in the best possible places.

No, you’re right. Social workers spend quite a lot of time thinking “how can I not place this child in the best place for them, how can I find the least suitable placement”. Or social workers try, with competing rights, very limited resources and trying to balance competing needs to find the best possible fit.

You think the best place for this child is with you, however you don’t have the fullest picture here.

@Jellycatspyjamas
I don't think that's what she was saying. I do think that burnout, stress, limited resources, staff turnover, etc stop social workers from being able to act with the child's interests truly front and centre, no matter what, though.

@paperweight5 is pointing out that not all decisions are the best. You've flipped that, and made out that she's saying social workers are therefore looking for the worst placement. That's unhelpful hyperbole.

I would hope that working within the system, and by your own post, you can recognise that the decision making is often resource based, rather than about what is really actually the 'best' for the child. Too often it's 'what's ok, easiest, and least costly in the short term.' Not considering that often that is very short term costs, and costs only to their department, rather than across all sectors for the whole life course.