Adoption - second thoughts

[Denety]

I’m looking for some honest views on adopting - current support networks appear biased as everyone is super keen to adopt or for us to adopt.

Partner and I have been together nearly three years, adopting was discussed very early on in relationship, both agreed we wanted to be dads. Where similar in age and our siblings have begun their own family’s so the time feels naturally right for us to take the next step.

currently stage2 with a VAA with a panel date in March. It feels like it’s been a long road as we started the process well over a year ago.

The pace seem to have ramped up in stage 2, my partner thinks they have children in mind as they have said we are now fast tracked. Probably he’s being optimistic as not sure it actually works like that and the VAA is clearly breaking the standards set out for how long stage 1 should last.


whilst I’m sure it’s the agency’s job to bare warts and all and I’ve never been nieve enough to think cared for children would be a walk in the park. I had assumed the matching process would be rigorous enough to match us to children we could care for. However, the conclusion I’m quickly reaching is that social services don’t really have a clue about the children in their care and it’s best to assume the children needing forever homes, are a little more than emotionally damaged. The odds being stacked their likely to have issue such as fetal alcohol syndrome and other complex needs which won’t be known or identified.

I expected things such as drug withdrawal, trauma but conditions such as fetal alcohol syndrome really worry me.

Whilst I’m confident we have an appreciation of mental health, identify issue etc and we have the space, time a resource to provide a nurturing home to work through these and provide an environment for a happy healthy child, I fear for our resilience would be tested if a child was to have complex needs or displayed issues like child to parent violence, smearing, an inability to ever live independently . It also sounds like adoptive parents have to constantly be fighting with other services on a daily basis for additional support.

the adoptive parents the agency have presented at q&as seem to have all been put through the mill and one even said she wished she hadn’t adopted.

when I speak to my other half about this and my concerns, all I get is I’m looking at the negatives and we will take it as it comes.

im getting the point where I don’t feel I can take it as it comes. I know I want to be a parent but I’m not sure my urning or abilities extend to a child with complex needs. I appreciate if we had the luxury of a birth child things would be unknown but the odds seem to be stacked that parenting a cared for child will be a rough ride.

I worry his desire to be a parent is greater than mine that it blinkers him from appreciating just what a strain it could be.

We both have demanding jobs, of which our comfortable lifestyle depends and like most we live to our means. we already know holidays will need be forgone or less extravagant and eating out might need to become a supermarket meal deal, and whilst we can cut back and have space in our finances, we still have stretched ourselves on commitments like the mortgage, cars which mean neither of us could afford to leave work or go part time to care for a child with complex needs.

I’m beginning to fear it will see us reach breaking point if I can’t get onboard.

I guess what I’m looking to answer is

• is it natural for any perspective parent to feel worried about the unknown ?
• for those that have been through the process, can we be confident in the matching process/stage 3
• does anyone have experience dealing with VAA one adoption

[rihanna4]

Hello - I am also a prospective adopter. I can't answer your questions but just wanted to say that your post very accurately represents how I am feeling.

The SWs I have spoken with in real life have brushed off my concerns and have been pushy about encouraging me to proceed, which makes it hard for me to trust them.

Mumsnet paints a doom and gloom outlook and then people seem surprised when I say I am doubting my ability to cope as an adoptive parent.

I'm worried about ruining my life. Ultimately it's a question of how badly does one want to adopt. Meanwhile, the fact that adoption is high risk and unpredictable is one we have to accept.

Not much help to you but wanted to chime in with solidarity. Wishing you well.

[Denety]

Thanks ☺️ it’s good to know I’m not the only one feeling like this, maybe it’s part of the course.

I can relate to feeling brushed off. Each time I mention something I’ve researched or found I just get told it’s great that I’m exploring annd thinking about the what ifs.

Our social worker for stage 2 is actually freelance I think. She said she’s doing it for some extra holiday money and we would be assigned an agency social worker after panel for matching and beyond.

[Ted27]

Hi @Denety

Im a single adopter with 11 years on the clock. I have a 19 year old son in his first year at university. I know lots of young adopted people like him, at uni, college, apprenticeships, working - doing their thing and doing well. I also know a fair few who are struggling more with life whose future feel a bit more uncertain.

Like most adoptees my son has additional needs, the last 11 years have been quite an experience. He has brought me to my knees at times and given me the happiest, proudest moments of my life. We have learnt together what makes life work for him and we have had so many great adventures along the way. Its been hard but I never regretted my decision to adopt him for a second.
It's absolutely natural and normal to have the worries and concerns that you have. I'd be more concerned if you didn't.
Matching is a two way process, you can say no to a child.
Give careful thought to the age of the child- more will be known about an older child.
I do think you need to reassess your ideas about working, it's not inevitable, but highly likely that one of you may not be able to return to work full time. Or maybe both of you drop your hours a bit.
What an adopted child needs most is you, your time and attention. Dropping a child off to breakfast clubs and not collecting them till 5 or 6 is a very long day and may not work for a child.
What thought have you given to childcare.
Think about what family life might look like and what you want from it.
Adoption is always a risk. But at the moment you are thinking about a hypothetical child. When YOUR child is home, things look very different.

[GracieHC]

We’re almost a year into placement now with our 2.5 year old and like you had doubts and fears all
the way through.
First off there is no suggestion he has FASD, he is meeting milestones and has adapted amazingly
well. He has a higher chance of mental health issues in his future but that aside so far he’s presenting as pretty ’normal’ and has settled into nursery really well. We have friends with adopted kids in a similar situation too. So it’s not all doom and gloom with regards to matching.

On the flip side I’ve struggled to adapt to this new life and the last year has been one of the toughest of my life and I’m still grieving for the life I had. We had a pretty nice lives before like you described with lovely holidays and nights out and what have you. Which is not so much not being able to financially afford these days it’s having the energy to do.
Hand on heart I can’t tell you now that if I could turn back the clock I would still do it. But the love is growing and I hope that eventually i’ll be able
to say I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

As for having faith in the matching process. That is probably luck of the draw. Early on our SW approached us about a LO where the match fell through and in hindsight we could not have coped with. But my sons social worker was fantastic and in those early meetings she knew exactly who he was despite certain things the FC’s were saying about him.

[Whatthechicken]

Hi, we adopted two siblings five and a half years ago. they are just short of 8 & 9 now. They are bloody brilliant kids. They are really good company at the minute. Obviously we may have mountains to climb in the coming years, but right now they are just like any other children. They do carry trauma, and when you get to know them you can spot little behaviours that are congruent with things they have been through, for example - hyper vigilance, anxiety and a wish to over control. But nothing (at the minute) that requires extra support or disrupts family life. I do work closely with school to so we can try to address anything that crops up quickly, which helped when we dealt with some deaths in the family. Apart from some health issues due to prematurity, which are sorted now, they are also very healthy.

Our biggest challenge so far (for me) was our sudden change in lifestyle. Although they were very cute, the earlier years were a slog for me, days were very repetitive and my whole identity changed - going from a working professional to a full time mum. I really struggled with that. Definitely give some thought to how work will look and how you will cope with how it may change.

With regards to matching, don’t rely on anyone else to advise you on a good match - they will not have to parent that child. You sound like you have done lots of research, matching is when you can pull all of that knowledge together, read between the lines and ask the right questions. I had lots of worries over my two, but I asked questions and in the end I couldn’t stop thinking about them.

Adopting my two is the best thing I’ve ever done, they are my two favourite people in the world. I’m sure we are going to hit some rough patches, but we’ll do our best to get through them in one piece.

[121Sarah121]

I have posted a few times about our struggles. I’m one of the mumsnet doom and gloom stories. My son has complex needs (nothing diagnosed) but over the years we have had amazing support put in place for us and him. My partner and I have both had to reduce our hours to part time (we made that decision because his needs are such that 1 person at home full time would be too much, take that as you will) but at the moment, it feels like a success. He is doing well and although we don’t know what the future holds, I try not to worry about it. I’m proud of him and I’m proud of our family. Happy to answer any questions if you PM me.

[Catleveltired]

This is normal, to get sudden fear, don't worry. It's starting to feel real.

You're correct- social services often do know little about the real situation, and this is hampered by short staffing, turnover, inexperienced staff etc. And sometimes, BPs lie.

And, yes, our life is harder than I anticipated.

We adopted with a vaa. I found them very supportive during approval and matching, but there have been many changes since and I don't have much contact any more. I think they were better at advocating for us during matching than a LA or regional authority would have been. Matching can go on the whims of a social worker, I personally think one social worker can be given far too much power at this stage. But it is what it is. Matching is a best guess leap into the unknown.

Here is a good time to remind yourself that conception and birth is also a lottery. You could have had birth children with autism, ADHD, a genetic issue, etc. Once adopted, your child is your child... And they're yours. So you cope. You can try and deal the cards to your advantage at matching in terms of what you can cope with. But shit happens. And they'll be your child, you'll be their mum or dad, and you'll fight to the death for them. While "love is not enough", remember the love will come (not straight away!) and when it does - then you can face what comes. Mostly. I can't lie- it's hard. But I love my birth children and adopted children equally, and they're mine.

[Ted27]

@121Sarah121

I think your story illustrates something really important about what success looks like.
You are proud of your boy and your family, he is progressing, that's success.
I think adopters do have to adjust their ideas about success - it may look very different to our non adopter friends

[121Sarah121]

@Ted27 Thank you. I don’t post often but I have posted on my darkest days and @Denety you must remember when reading the horror stories that that is often the case. Moments of despair lead to posts. Very rarely are the happiness shared on a support forum.

@Catleveltired I have both birth and adopted children too. The love I feel for both is equal, that doesn’t matter. I worry more for my adopted child and the fierceness and protectiveness is probably more intense for my adopted child because it has to be to get his needs met. But that’s a different story.

we adopted through a vaa and they have been amazing (mostly). The support they provide now, years later, has been outstanding. The placing local authority have a lot to answer for but I have the vaa supporting me.

the thing with matching is they may just not know much about the chicks. Interestingly, my child social worker had an unusual understanding of what developmental milestones were. She was so used to working with care experience children that they were her benchmark, so after placement, when I questioned why she said he was meeting his milestones and he obviously wasn’t, she said but he has been through so much, surely you understand that affects development. She didn’t try to hide it, she just didn’t realise what a securely attached non traumatised child was expected to be able to achieve! If I had realised, I would have been more specific with questions!

[Catleveltired]

I recognise what you're saying.

Perhaps I should push more from our VAA?

[Noimaginationforaun]

Oh I was absolutely terrified all the way through! Even in those first few months.

We are 2.5 years in now with the most wonderful son. He is 4.5 and just an absolute joy. We moved house and he started school this year. He’s growing up so quick! Makes us laugh every day. Meeting all his milestones and just generally like every other child in his class.

I am sure there’ll be bumps along the way but we would never change a thing. He is our whole world!

[ASDADDY]

@Denety you'll often read mainly doom and gloom when it comes to adoption forums online. Us adopters tend to post more when we are struggling than when life is 'normal'. I too have done this.

Were two dads and we felt very much like you. Whilst SWs will tell you to prepare for the worst the reality is most children do develop well and yes have various struggles, but go to nursery and school well and day to day are ok just like a birth family.

I think it's good your feeling like this as you are clearly understanding the reality of becoming a parent, birth parents and adoptive parents commonly hit this 'omg I'm not sure we can do this' stage. Have a think about it all and I would encourage you to make your concerns known to your partner so you can both discuss them openly. You'll be having many heavy conversations as parents so it's important he can understand you now.

Don't be unnecessarily put off though. It's the best thing we ever did.

[WittyUsername123]

Hi there!
I am a little over a year into adopting my two sons with my partner. A lot of good points have already been made, but I wanted to address a few things:
It has been really hard at times, and neither of my children have what could be considered profound needs, but their needs are complex and contraindicated with each other. So, just to summarise: it is very hard, and you do not have to do it if you don’t want to.
The matching process is not, in my opinion, at all thorough. It was the hardest stage for me pre-placement because of the knock-backs and the challenging nature of competitive matching. You should be aware that matching for VAAs in particular is now taking a very long time for many. The types of things you see on TV would suggest that there are many children out there just chilling and waiting for adoption, but that is misleading and you may be in for a long wait. It is more likely you are being ‘fast-tracked’ because your VAA is not meeting timescale targets.
The education we had when training on foetal alcohol syndrome, and its wider subset, foetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD), was very old-fashioned and lacking. FASD is not a death-sentence and nor does it impact ‘intelligence’ or many other elements of a person. It is now considered to be more prevalent that autism and research is growing fast. It may help you to go to places like National FASD to find out more.
It is natural to be worried about the unknown, but that does not mean you should feel forced to jump. I love my children very much, but it has not been the easiest ride so far! Also, it is not easy to continue to work two demanding jobs, and I would factor that in if I were you!

[CMupnorth]

Totally natural.

The matching process should, these days, be quite adopter driven. Try to be as open with your partner as possible about your limits. It may make matching take longer but, whilst no adopted child is free of trauma of some type, the special needs you mention aren't something you have to take on, in fact if you feel unable your agency will prefer you to make that clear before any potential links are made.

The only One Adoption I know is the one in Yorkshire in which case it isn't a VAA it's a Regional Agency. I think they are pretty good tbh, and there is every chance they could be concurrently planning your matching within stage 2 however, again, it really doesn't mean much. Our SW had some suggestions based on our initial "wants". But the journey changed our outlook completely and our eventual link was very much driven by us.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I’m 6.5 years in with my two who were older in adoption terms. The children’s social workers knew both children very well, she had been working with the family for years through removal and ultimately permanence planning. My adoption social worker didn’t know the children but she knew us very well and what we could cope with. Both children have different needs, my DDs needs are fairly complex but nothing so far I couldn’t manage.

The reality is adoption will bring change for you, someone will need to take adoption leave for a year, that person will feel a bigger shift in their identity than the one who continues to work. The capacity for date nights, meals out etc will change because you can’t just get up and go, your relationship with each other will change because you have another little person to consider. All of these changes are true of parenting in general.

I think it’s wholly usual to have second thoughts, the process is starting to feel more real with a real child at the end of it. You must already have considered things like finances and childcare - including the possibility that any child placed may not tolerate childcare outside of school, what were your plans for this? In some senses your partner is right, as parents we do need to take things as they come, but having flexibility in your lifestyles, having contingency plans in place and being open to change are all important.

In terms of matching, knowing your limits is important - it’s a “head” decision more than a “heart” one. Don’t be swayed by a cute picture and a hard back story. Ask the hard questions, be thoughtful in meetings with professionals, and be ok with saying “no” if it doesn’t feel right. I doubt they will have a child in mind, it’s likely the assessing social worker is pressing on with the process because they want to be paid (and won’t be until the assessment is complete). That doesn’t mean they aren’t being thorough, it just means they’re on a clock.

It’s not inevitable that all adopted children will have impairments that mean they don’t live independently - it is expected they may need more to get there - more nurture, care, practical support, time, boundaries etc. They won’t just fit into your lifestyle as it is now, you’ll build a life together with them so how that will looks is unknown and that creates uncertainty.

For my part early placement was very hard going, my two came with very different, competing needs and you’re trying to parent children while building relationships with them, while helping them through grief and loss while also adjusting to your own change. It’s hard, that’s why you need to take decent leave and have a good support system. It gets easier, you become a family, you adjust and all of a sudden the comfortable lifestyle becomes something else. They are the best kids, funny, caring, smart, loving and I wouldn’t be without them. Every bit of sacrifice is totally worth it.

[rihanna4]

@Denety I recommend the book "Fostering For Adoption" by Alice Hill - even if you're not considering FFA. It's about a couple who weren't open to accepting a child with certain additional needs. This approach worked out for them as they got what they wanted. I believe this couple were a bit fortunate in some respects, but it's definitely worth reading anyway in my opinion as it goes into detail about weighing up risks, how to look at issues in different ways, etc.

[Chocapple]

Hello,

You have written an incredibly insightful post.

The most important thing that any potential Adopter needs to be crystal clear on is that adoption is a complete leap of faith.
Babies who are meeting all milestones & are not expected to have any real issues can and very often do as they get older show a myriad of difficulties. E.g ASD/ADHD, FASD, Attachment issues, Sensory issues. This applies to all children.

SW's will paint a rose tinted version of a child, their past and their future. And can often withold significant information.

E.g the child's CPR may mention that there was a bottle seen in the cot. The reality was that the child was left alone for hours/days with just a single bottle. But the SW withheld that as there was no proof. Or the CPR may mention that the house was seen once to be untidy. When the reality was that the house was a hovel.

You have to REALLY REALLY look at every sentence in the CPR and see what it really means/what has not been said.

My son's CPR gave a certain picture but after the AO I found that the SW had lied through their teeth. E.g told me that my child had minor behavioural difficulties. The reality was that he had extreme difficulties.

There are lots of Adopters who have to go part time or give up work.

Schools can be a nightmare. Trying to get support for your child.

SW's promise you the earth in terms of Support after adoption and until the child is 18. The reality is months and months of fighting for help.

But by the same token there are Adopters who have a fairly normal life (1/3). 1/3 have lots of challenges but can deal with it. 1/3 are in Crisis and on the verge of Disruption.

Think worst case scenario... could you deal with that ? As that could potentially happen.

My son (came home age 4) was portrayed in a very rose tinted way. I like many other Adopters was outright lied to.

I needed a child who could attend Mainstream, lead an independent life and I could carry on working. And with very manageable difficulties.

Within a year I had had to give up work and change school. Within 2 more years had to move to Home Educating as I could not spend hours every day in/out of school and banging mybhead against a brick wall. The majority of School's just can't cope with Neurodiverse children... And he is expected to have a very long list of diagnoses.

Oh and he is very violent ! But this has massively reduced in these 3 years.

However... we are blissfully happy and are making astounding progress. As I have had to become a parent, a therapist and a Carer. And give up everything for him.

Adoption is to give a child a family one that will do absolutely everything they can. Adoption is not to give a family a child and the family expecting to live a normal life.

Just go into adoption with your eyes wide open. There is an amazing adoption community on FB and on Instagram.

Good luck.

[clattuc]

Gosh, its 10 years this year since we first applied to adopt. Time flies.

We did it through an RAA rather than VAA so I've no idea what post-adoption support will be like via an VAA, but it has been very good so far for us (about 8 year in now). It is important to have that.

TL;DR: It is difficult and challenging and not really what most people think of when they think of themselves as a parent. You probably need to think of it as a super-guardianship-with-parenting-rights. Most adoptors I've met would probably say that they love their kids to bits, and don't regret doing it for one second. It is rewarding but exhausting. However they wouldn't necessarily have the energy and resilience to do it again - but then many birth parents would say that too. :-)

-

I guess the main thing to realise is that even if you think you are ready to be a parent, you will never be, and just like all parents you have to learn on the job. But you will be thrown in at the deep end with adoption and the first year or so will be a massive change. Your partner may experience this change more if he's a bit gung-ho about it, but actually you may well be in a better position if you are more cautious.

We also both had (and still have) full-time jobs and took shared parental leave for 12 months. We needed that - remember during placement you are essentially a voluntary foster carer so one of you simply won't have time to work. But after the adoption order we were back at work once we didn't have to meet social workers, most of the medical appointments were dealt with, and no more looked-after-child reviews etc. We wouldn't have adopted if we'd had to give up a job, we just wouldn't have been able to afford the bills. I think those adoption agencies that expect you to are rather old-fashioned and perhaps haven't really understood the impact of the cost-of-living crisis.

Most kids placed for adoption (perhaps unsurprisingly to you now you are through prep) will at the least have some emotional challenges, and associated behavour challenges, that are not straightforward to help and sometimes hinders attachment, in both directions. You will have to accept that as a parent you will still need help from professionals quite a bit. It is pretty thankless just like most parenting. But the experience of helping a child recover from what is likely to have been a pretty horrific start is not something you are going get anywhere else and is a great feeling. And remember that only a parent can do this and make the big decisions for them, that's why adoption still exists. Foster care and guardianship doesn't cut it for these kids- and I should know, my son had siblings in care. However only you will know if this 'civic duty' element is enough to swing it for you.

I do think the prep was a little old-fashioned. One thing I remember them saying was 'you will have less time for housework so don't worry if things are a bit messy'. Well it's true that you will have less time, but you do actually still have to do the extra cooking, cleaning, washing etc, it doesn't magically disappear. :-)

[lovelysoap]

Hi OP i remember our adoption training group having similar discussions. One couple dropped out for the reasons you list above and i completely understood. Another couple got to matching and pulled out, they are traumatised and i don't know what happened as they couldn't talk about it but i do know they met a child.

We adopted 2 and both were presented in matching as having no known needs and meeting all milestones. In introductions we met two very different children which immediately presented with needs. Child one was small thin smelled and was highly anxious (turns out foster career was abusive and neglectful). Child 2 was still and barely reactive on the carpet with obvious mobility issues. I am not exaggerating.

Fast forward i had to give up my career (and friends and mental health), i am a stay at home mum and carer. Many adopters i know have one parent who is the full time carer, child is on DLA with an EHCP. This is not unusual and fairly standard IMHO.

Child one (11 years old) is home educated with an EHCP, on medication and in therapy. Needs lots of supervision and coaching through pretty much everything. Enduring complex PTSD. Higher rate DLA. Without all this she is very violent and destructive. It has taken over 6 years and gruelling process to get her to a stable position where she is not needing to be restrained and not smashing the house up. She is currently unsafe to attend any school setting even a special school. I don't know what the future holds for her i suspect she will always need to live at home with a lot of support.
Child 2 is lovely and sweet and easy to care for, physically and intellectually disabled, lots and lots of medical tests and appointments, 4 years and still in nappies with limited speech and mobility. will probably be able to attend school part time with an EHCP. Probably wont be able to live independently.

I am very very grateful that we can live well on one salary as DH is a high earner and we are comfortable. I can also write and speak and advocate for services. I use a lot of services and i have had a lot of contact with professionals. I had a life and a career prior to adopting. I think i would find it hard to cope if i had really wanted or needed to return to a career.

We always wanted three kids but there is no way that will happen and we are quite sad about that.

To adopt you have to want to parent 1 or 2 only, special needs children and all the meetings, forms and appointment that entails.

Quite a few adoptions fail and we nearly gave up on my eldest due to her behaviour which was extreme.

[raspberrysundae]

Hi@Denety

I am a little late to posting on this and you may have resolved your feelings.

I adopted my sibling group of 3 almost 17 years ago.

Your feelings of concern are valid. Parenting is hard, adoption even harder and your life will change immeasurably. Take your time. Tell the agency you need some breathing time to process. Potential adopters have far more power than they realise, it’s ok to say you need to pause for a while.

The adoption process is a tiny part of this journey - raising a child is lifelong and raising an adopted child brings an additional level of time and input. Love alone will not heal a child who likely has complex trauma. I am not trying to put you off but just acknowledging that you are absolutely right to be thinking seriously about this and your partner should do the same. It is not negative to be considering very real issues that affect adopted kids. You mention FAS but in all honesty much seemingly simpler issues affect adopted children as a result of neglect or even events that took place in vitro. How you cope with that will depend on you as a person. I think all potential adopters should have a couple of years of therapy before they adopt to be in the best possible place mentally!

I love my children and cannot imagine life without them. It’s been physically and emotionally difficult at times, heartbreaking at others but also rewarding.

Adoption is not a decision anyone should take easily.

Good luck!

[raspberrysundae]

I should have added that no, I don’t thinking you can depend on the matching process. Trust your instinct and don’t ignore any red flags.

[SnowinginJan]

Our son came home when he was 7 months old. He'd already had an HIV test when born and needed another when he was a year old. We'd have accepted him either way.
BUT, I struggled when he came home, for the first 2 weeks I said I didn't want him and to call the social worker and 'send him back'. It upsets me now thinking about that, it was 6 years ago, but my feeling were, for me, valid and overwhelming. I'd given up my nice life of holidays, going to the pub and having meals out, having lazy weekends in bed, being free and spontaneous, to having a small baby reliant on me for everything. It was hard, really hard, but luckily my OH took the reins and supported me. And now I am so glad he did as I can't imagine life without our son.
Our son is amazing, but I struggle with change (still do!), and this was a huge change for me when he came into our lives. Our son doesn't have any difficulties or health problems, but it was still tough for me even with him being 'normal'. I remember thinking when he'd been with us for a year if I would ever love him, like truly love him, and I can honestly say I do, I would die for him.
As you said, birth children can also have health problems, I know at least 3 of my friends BC have had cancer, and a couple have children with autism, but they love them and deal with it, just as you will if that was your adopted child I'm sure.